Chapter 13

This chapter: More Sam and Dean goodness...

Dean's eyes flickered open the next morning. Sam's head was propped up, resting in his hand, gazing at her.

"Dude. You're staring." Dean said quietly, as she felt slightly uncomfortable with the scrutiny in which he watched her. When Sam didn't answer, she continued. "What? Are you going to start spouting poetry or something?" She said sarcastically.

Sam finally responded as he lay back down fully on the bed. "I can't look at you?" He said as he turned his eyes to her.

Dean squirmed a little. "I don't know." She said sheepishly.

Sam scooted over and brought Dean closer to him. "I can finally be up front about how I feel and act how I want." He leaned in and chastely kissed Dean on the lips. Dean sighed happily at the contact. "And what I wanted...was to watch you sleep."

"Who's the girl here now?" Dean tried to chuckle as she rolled her eyes and looked away. She felt herself blushing.

"Dean." Sam began seriously as his finger gently lifted her chin so they could look eye to eye. "I hope you know you don't have to pretend with me." Sam understood Dean's defense mechanisms. He had always used sarcasm and humor to deflect away from confronting his feelings.

Dean sat up and swung her legs over the edge. Her back was to her brother. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dean. It's okay to share how you feel once in a while. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't change who you are."

The elder Winchester stood from the bed and walked to the window. She looked out on the lake as it shimmered in the early morning sun. She was silent for a time. When she did speak, her voice was so quiet, Sam barely heard her. "I don't know who I am anymore."

Sam walked behind her and enveloped her in his large arms. She felt instantly warmed as she leaned back into his chest. Sam bent forward a bit, until his mouth was level with her ear. He whispered, "You're Dean Winchester. You're strong and loyal and you hold our family together. You're a survivor...you're my hero...and I love you..." Sam paused as she began to shudder slightly. He felt wetness against his arms.

"Sam..." Dean's voice sounded muffled as she buried her face in his arm. She held onto him as if her life depended on it.

He gently turned her around. Dean, feeling embarrassed about her tears, tried to hide her face in his chest. Sam softly grasped her face in his hands and bent down and kissed her the wetness upon her face. He then caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead, then her nose, and then her mouth. He deepened the kiss when he felt her pressing against him. Sam moaned as he slowly tasted her. He pulled back when he felt his arousal building. He did not want to scare her.

"I love you, Sammy." Dean said as she looked into his eyes.

"I love you too, Dean."

Later that morning, the two moved to the kitchen where Sam was happily cooking some pancakes. He had been surprised when Dean had asked for two of them. She barely ate these days, so Sam was eager to oblige her request; she needed to gain some weight on her too thin frame. He flipped two flapjacks onto a plate and placed a few pieces of bacon on the side. He poured a glass of milk and walked over to Dean. He placed them in front of her. "There you go."

He returned to the range and made himself a plate. He grabbed his mug of coffee and turned to face Dean. She sat at the table, staring out into space. She had not even touched her food.

"Dean? Hot griddles in front of you." When she did not respond, he went over to her. "Dean? Are you okay?"

She was startled out of her thoughts. "Huh?" She looked around. "Yeah. Fine." She began to pick at her food.

Sam eyes narrowed. "What's going on?" His voice filled with concern.

Dean swallowed heavily as she forced herself to look at her brother. She did not want to hide anymore. "I...I think I should talk to someone...about what happened to me." She said quietly as she felt her heart pound in her chest.

Sam felt relief as he watched her. He realized that neither he nor John could have ever forced her to seek out help. It meant a lot that this was coming on her own accord. Sam nodded and went to a drawer in the kitchen. He opened it up and took out a business card. He handed it to Dean. "She's the therapist in town." He responded. Dean stared at it for a moment. She took a deep breath. Sam handed her his cellphone.

Her fingers shook slightly as she slowly dialed the number. She held her breath while it rang. When someone answered she had to force her voice to work. "Uh. Hi. I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Bard. Yes...oh so soon? Today? Oh...um...Dean...Dean Buckley. Okay...10:30...um...thanks..."

She hit the end button and let out a deep breath. She turned her emerald green eyes to her brother. Sam sat down and tried to smile. He grabbed her hand lightly. "I'll be there the whole time. Okay?" Dean nodded hesitantly. She was terrified of talking about her attack. The last time she opened up, she was nearly inconsolable. But, she was sick of having nightmares and sick of being afraid. She didn't want to feel like flinching if Sammy touched her. She needed help.

Sam sat in the waiting room of the therapists office. He looked at his watch. Dean had been in there for nearly ninety minutes. He looked around the area. He had flipped through most of the magazines already. He felt jittery, anticipating Dean's exit from the office. What would her mental state be? He remembered the look on her face when the doctor came for her. Her eyes were wide with fear and she was nearly hyperventilating. Sam worried if this was the right decision to come here. But, they really had no choice.

Sam looked up as the door opened and Dean walked out. She had no expression on her face. Dr. Bard placed her hand gently on Dean's shoulder.

"I'll see you in two days, Dean." She said kindly as she smiled and nodded her head at Sam. Dean did not answer as she walked towards the door.

Sam caught up to her and led a compliant Dean back to the car. He was not sure what to do; what to say. She was eerily quiet, her eyes void of any emotion. His first instinct was ask her if she was okay. An obvious, yet stupid question, Sam thought to himself. If he spoke, Dean might retreat further into her mind; the walls that had fallen away the last day might be rebuilt.

If their roles were reversed, Sam thought that he would need to reach out, talk things over. That is how he approached situations.

No, Sam had to let Dean to deal with this in her own way. She had taken a big step by asking for outside intervention. He had to now wait to see what Dean would do from here.

He opened the car door for her and Sam watched as her little body slid onto the leather seat. The door creaked closed. Sam took his seat and started the engine. With one last glance in her direction, he began the drive back to the lake house. They arrived ten minutes later. Dean stood from the car and walked inside and went directly to her room. Sam's heart sank as he saw her quietly ascending the staircase. He stood at the edge of the stairway nearly panicking trying to decide what to do. He felt lost, helpless to deal with the situation. His head dropped as his shoulders slumped in defeat. He turned and went to the den. He sat on the lazy-boy, his head cradled in his hands. He fought against the tears forming behind his eyes. He tried to take a few calming breaths. He did not know how long he sat there, when he heard someone approaching him. As he slowly looked up, Dean stood in front of him staring down with intense eyes. He saw hesitation on her face for a moment. She said nothing as she climbed into Sam's lap and curled into a tight ball as he embraced her. Her arms snaked around his neck as she tried to get closer to him.

"It's okay, Dean." Sam whispered to her as he held her close. "We'll get through this." He added as he felt her nodding against his chest.

Dean's eyes were closed as she concentrated on her brother's voice and the feeling of warmth she had while laying against him. He was her lifeline, the reason she could hold things together. Dean wanted to hate the feelings of weakness that enveloped her, but Sammy seemed to make it better. Fear clutched her delicate heart momentarily when she thought of what things would be like if he was not there. She shoved those unpleasant musings away as she focused on the calming rhythm of his heartbeat.

TBC...