TW: Alcoholism/recovery

A/N:

Hi everyone! I originally started publishing this story on AO3 under my pen name there, SkatingThroughLife_35, in April of 2021 and completed it in September. So, yes, I am the same person despite two different pen names.

I got this idea when watching S14 of ER and was a bit disappointed the show didn't go further into what happened to Coburn during her addiction and recovery. I think it could've been an interesting story, so I decided to imagine something myself and came up with this.

As always, I don't own the ER characters, but the original characters are mine.

Janet Coburn liked to believe she was in control.

County General was where she felt her strongest as the head of OB/GYN, a position she'd held for many years. She'd learned to weather conflicts with the ER staff and didn't back down when she was sure she knew what was best for a high-risk labor and delivery. Even when it was ER staff themselves who were in labor, she knew what to do despite the arguing and questioning she received. She also carefully curated a department where her own staff would feel supported and could do good work, but it was well-known she ran a tight ship and had high standards.

Then of course, she balanced the hospital with the private practice she'd been proud of starting less than five years ago. Her practice staff was held to the same high standards as the County OB unit. But that was fine. She was transparent about what she expected, and it wasn't the workplace for everyone.

Her personal life was different. She had to live with a harsh reality: She's an alcoholic. In recovery and sober for 13 years, but an alcoholic nonetheless. Her addiction had led to a divorce and a fractured relationship with her kids. Her son left the state two years ago for college and cut contact. Her daughter was around but had a hard time getting close and trusting her. It's kind of sad and funny, Janet thought, how she was an OB who helped expectant mothers every day, and yet, she felt that she was such a poor mother to her own kids. She kept her personal life secret at work as best she could and only told coworkers she was working closely with and trusted about her past. But these days, County had so much turnover that these coworkers were few and far between, in her opinion.

Janet had also never remarried because she figured not many men would want to take a risk on a recovering alcoholic with a floundering-at-worst, average-at-best relationship with her children. Plus, being alone meant she could stay in control of her life. No worrying about having to be flexible with a partner or put herself through any big changes that weren't absolutely necessary. At this point, she had adjusted to having her own life and doing for herself anyway.

Still, she tried to find strength every day to keep going, even with the threat of a relapse seemingly always ready to sneak up on her. She woke up and sat down with tea or coffee, a guided meditation journal and a light breakfast to get in the right mindset. Every week was AA. Yoga in the evenings, sometimes the mornings. One way in which Janet was like everyone else? She sometimes snoozed her 5 a.m. alarm clock. But the structure overall kept her grounded, which she believed to be essential to her sobriety.

On her way into work that morning, she ran into her church pastor, Pastor Mark.

"Janet!" Mark said. "I hope you didn't forget that I want you to accept a rose this year at Mother's Day service. You should consider coming. We want to recognize you just as much as any of the women in our church."

"Mark…" Janet looked to make sure she couldn't see any colleagues coming. "You know how I feel. I don't deserve that. Please. I know what you say about forgiveness and a new start. But I am not anything like the mothers that bring their kids to children's church or that come to my women's group."

Mark nodded. "I really don't think you should feel that way. I've had so many church members, both women and men, tell me they admire you and everything you've overcome. You should be proud of everyone you're reaching."

"I won't force you to stand up at the service. I won't call attention to it if you don't. But don't be ashamed of taking a flower. You're a mother. The flowers aren't only a Mother of the Year award."

"Have a good day at work. I'll tell Kelly you said hi," he added, referring to his wife.

Janet nodded. "Thanks Mark. See you Sunday."

She walked into the hospital and noticed the OB patient board was near empty. Well, for now. There was still plenty of time for excitement to pick up. She saw two of her nurses, Valerie and Megan, eating donuts and reading a magazine, while her nurse manager, Sandra, was going through some paperwork and talking to Kristin, a third-year medical student currently on her OB rotation.

"Hey Dr. C!" Valerie grinned. "Do you want a donut?"

"No thanks." Janet mostly preferred to eat healthy but indulged once in a while if the mood struck her or it was a special occasion.

"I bought them!" Valerie didn't let up smiling.

"All the more reason to not eat one, Dr. Coburn," Megan laughed as Valerie playfully kicked her.

Janet shook her head. Valerie had been working in L&D for about a year now, and she had a class clown type of personality. She often wished her boss would lighten up or be more relaxed, once saying, "I feel like I'm a nurse in the morgue." But Janet had learned to put up with it, if only because her patients often said Valerie's upbeat energy and sense of humor made their birth experience a positive one. She had to remind herself that the patients came first and decided that a personality difference didn't merit losing Valerie.

"All right ladies, a reminder," Janet handed everyone a memo. "I've been seeing a lot of slack in your shift arrival times lately. Unless Sandra or I tell you otherwise, your shift starts on the hour of when you're scheduled to start with a grace period of five minutes. If you're scheduled to be here at 7, I don't want to see you punching in at 7:08 or 7:12 unless you've called myself or Sandra-or whoever the point person is on your shift-ahead of time to say you'll be late. I really, really do not want to fire or discipline anyone for this, so please make an effort to get here on time. Do I make myself clear?"

Everyone sat silently in response.

"OK I'll assume nobody has questions. Sandra, hang this up so second and third shifts see it, and tell me what's going on this morning."

"We have a first-timer in labor in L&D 3," Sandra said. "Came in around 2 am where contractions were four minutes apart. Had an epidural and been progressing well; was seven centimeters when we last checked. She's been asking for you, though, and seems really anxious. McLucas had a delivery around 11:45 last night, one boy, eight pounds on the nose. Mom came in basically trying to hold the baby in."

"Anybody else?"

"Dr. Harrison just went in for a scheduled C-section. She should be back shortly." Dr. Harrison was a second-year resident who had gone to med school in California but had made a fresh start for her residency. She was eager to learn from Janet and the type of patients she would be seeing at County.

"Great. I'll head over to 3 to check on my patient."

"Hi Kelsey," Janet's first patient was a 19-year-old first-time mother who was with her boyfriend and mother. "I heard everything is going well so far."

"I'm so tired, and as it's getting closer, I'm getting scared," Kelsey said. "I don't know if I can do this. But it's too late for that; I know that's what you told me last time I saw you."

"It is indeed too late," Janet said with a smile. "But I'm going to walk you through this. We'll keep our eye on the baby's heart rate the whole time and we'll turn down the epidural before you're ready to start pushing. You'll need a lot of energy for this so just remember to focus on your breathing and counting down the pushes. I've got you. We can finish this. Everything looks right where it should be."

"What if something goes wrong?"

"If it does, I can get you into an OR very quickly if we need to for a C-section. But let's not focus on the negatives. We'll worry about it if we have to. By the way, not trying to interfere, but your boyfriend looks like he needs to get up from his nap. He has a job to do very soon."

"Thank you so much, Dr. Coburn," Kelsey said with a laugh. "I know you'll take good care of me. My mom's coworker just found out she's pregnant and my mom already recommended you."

"I love new business," Janet said. "Thanks for the recommendation."

She left the room just as Dr. Harrison was talking to the new mother of twin boys she helped in the C-section.

"Angela," Janet nodded hello. "Looks like everything was successful upstairs."

"It was perfect. This was my first time delivering twins. Twin 1 was 6 pounds, 8 ounces. Twin 2 6 pounds, 12 ounces. Mom feels lighter already. I got them out about two minutes apart. Twin 2 wanted to nestle a little while longer."

"How are you doing today, Janet?"

"Should be getting ready for my first delivery of the day soon before getting over to my clinic. I need to try and leave early today so I can rest and take the pager over tomorrow night. You'll be here in the hospital. Hope you're ready to camp out."

"Oh, you know I just love weekends at County!" Angela grinned. "I'm just glad it will feel more like home pretty soon on those rare moments I leave the hospital."

Janet walked into her office and turned on her computer, knowing she had limited time until she had to help Kelsey deliver. She then twisted the combination lock on her bottom desk drawer and looked inside, as she did every day. This was the drawer she told her staff was off limits if they needed to look for something for her.

There were three framed images in that desk drawer. One was a copy of the AA 12 steps, which she reviewed every day to keep herself in check, especially when things were rough. The second, her son Drew's high school graduation photo. He had moved to Ohio two years ago to get away from the bad memories that plagued him in Chicago. The last one was of Janet and another younger woman, both smiling in their scrub uniforms. The other woman was her daughter, Caitlyn, who floated in and out of her life on a regular basis.

Janet thought of her kids everyday-especially Caitlyn, her oldest child and the daughter she'd always dreamed of having-but it always came with upsetting feelings because of how much her alcoholism had harmed her daughter. Caitlyn was willing to talk to her mom, but only infrequently and almost never with any signs of affection. The picture was fairly recent, from within the last year, before Caitlyn started working as a nurse at Mercy. It was also the last time the two had hugged each other. Hugs only came when Caitlyn wanted them. Although Janet had been sober since before her daughter was a teenager, Caitlyn had a hard time dealing with the past and building a relationship with her mother.

In the times when they were at a distance, Janet would always still hope Caitlyn was doing well...and hopefully not getting drawn to alcohol herself, her biggest fear for her children. She did love her daughter, but she just wasn't sure if her daughter loved her back.

Janet put the photo away for another day but found herself wondering how Caitlyn's day was going.