Authors Notes

- Oh My God I am tired! I wish I liked coffee because I am addicted to writing! It is actually 4:30 and beginning to get light outside so I think I must sleep soon!

- I am sorry for such a slow start to the story but I am gonna keep on with the usual babble and say it will get better! Please keep reading and remember this is just a start!

-Once more I ask for reviews, I am not overly popular as a writer it seems, the most reviews I have for any of my fanfics is 15, it's a shame coz I really love it when I check my e-mail and find out I have reviews! Woot!

-Please excuse me if parts aren't accurate, I don't have SG1 on DVD so it is a bit on memory work in parts and I have one of the worst memories known to man!

-Oh, btw I know the chapter titles are lame! Lol!

Chapter 3: Wandering thoughts

Sam was trying to ease her brain into her latest project, scribble down the equations, concentrate on the task at hand, unfortunately her mind kept straying to the rhythmic tap, tap, tap as her pencil thudded against the paper in a steady beat, she was tired and wormhole physics was the last thing on her mind. She couldn't help but cast nervous glances at the phone, wondering if she had made any sense in the message she had left and wondering if he was going to call her back, she had received an anonymous call earlier – silence being the only thing on the other end of the line before the cluck of a receiver hitting plastic – presumably the hook – followed by a cold dial tone. She was almost certain it had been Jack and that this meant they were both extremely confused about how to deal with what had happened, their relationship, the love that couldn't possibly be…could it? Searching for another distraction her mind rested on a memory… She had been drugged, she saw things, heard things, knew the truth, her mumblings had saved Jack's life, a life which he had already put in the balance to save her, Dr Frasier had listened and stopped Jack just as the worst was about to happen.

Sam had been revived and looked into Jack's eyes as he admitted his feelings for her, still the words had come out disciplined, he told her enough to let her know he felt the same way despite them both knowing their feelings could not be acted upon.

Her mind flashed back further. The feelings had been spoken under the meticulous probing of the Tok'ra device but they had been confirmed much earlier; the mission when they had stood on two sides of a barrier, they could see the emotions wreaking havoc on each side but the forcefield could have been a world in those few seconds, he stood safe, the ball was in his court while her future looked bleak, the odds stacked high against her, she had yelled for him to leave her but he was adamant, he would save her or look into her eyes as they died together, there was no gray area when you held the life of the person you loved in the palm of your hand.

Jack had never been one to give up, he was a simple man and that was what she loved about him, no selection of factors, no compromise, it was right or it was wrong, Do or Die and it seemed in their case – Live or Love…

Their world was a parody of military action, they explored other worlds, saved their planet, helped the good, destroyed the evil, their purpose was to serve earth if you were to put it in basic terms, they did not live, they could not live, so they loved. They loved more than any one else could, they were in situations when blind love was the only thing that could help you through, bringing pure stupidity down to earth, never leaving one behind and knowing that if they had to say goodbye to this whole God-damned universe – they would do it together. Maybe one day there would be a gray area for them but not today and not tomorrow, for now they lived on a ride of unpredictable circumstance and life threatening coincidence, they just never seemed to be in control even when in the supposed safety of their planet.

Another memory that stuck in her mind was when they had tried to throw a particular device through the Stargate which didn't really fancy leaving; it had anchored itself in the gate room, impaling Jack on one of many of the spikes it had punched into the gate room walls with. She remembered clearly the feeling of helplessness, watching Jack die painfully in front of her eyes and being able to do nothing but keep him holding on, fortunately the incident had not happened previously – closer to the death of his son, closer to the time when they had just met, if it had, he would have not had the will to fight the pain and would have slipped through her fingers that day, she knew she would never fail to remember the image of him there, at one of his weakest points, fighting for his life and traced in neon blue, like many of the things that had happened to them, it was not a memory easily forgotten.

Lost in her thoughts Sam could not distinguish between the thud of her pencil against the pad of paper and the gentle tap on the doorframe of her lab, as a result she did not realize Jack had entered the room until he stood right in front of her.

She gasped as she fell from her chair and disappeared behind her desk with a muffled "Sir-" Jack strolled around her desk and offered a hand to the crumpled heap looking up at him from the base of it, Sam did not accept Jack's assistance, instead she clambered to her feet and backed away slightly

'Carter,' he replied formally, digging his fingernails into his skin to restrain himself from kissing her, reaching forward an bringing their lips together once more 'you called, said we should talk…' he waited for her to initiate the conversation but silence was the only reaction to this expectation, both stood embraced in the other's glare for a long while until Sam finally took the courage to utter the start to whatever was going to come next

'I…' She broke off, once more unsure of how to phrase exactly what she wanted to say 'I can't lie to myself anymore or dance around the truth, I love you Jack…I love you so much – too much and because of this I could not push you away when I most needed to, now we have been together for a night, now we have… slept together you have me totally and completely and I just don't know how to deal with that, nothing can weaken me more than you and I can't afford for anything to destroy what I have worked my whole life to build-' Jack coughed in the hopes of a brief intermission

'What are you saying Sam? That we can't be together because there is a one in a million chance we might get caught? You said yes to me just to break my heart the day after? Is that all I am to you…a weakness?' anger etched his voice as he spat the last word, Sam's hand shook as she tried to keep a leash on her emotions

'Sir… you are my superior officer, we are in service to our country and to our world, we go on life threatening missions everyday that there is every chance of us not coming back from, I can't accept you because it would ruin both of us, I can't leave with the fear that I might leave you behind that day or come back mourning your death and living my life thinking I could have done something more to save you, I refuse to put either of us through that,' she fought back the tears that threatened to fall as her emerald eyes, a sharp contrast from his chocolate brown ones bore into him with the honest truth 'Anyway, how can we work? Sneaking around to see each other every once in a while, I spend a night at your house you spend a night at mine? Maybe we could have the occasional kiss in the janitor's closet if we are lucky,' her words turned harsh, her voice raised, almost shouting at the man she loved but desperately wished she didn't ' Then how about the future hey? I mean how about children for example? What are we supposed to do? Drop the baby off at daycare before going to some unexplored planet at the other end of the universe?'

Each statement hit Jack hard in the chest with sharp realization, he shook it off, she couldn't just discard this, it was a feeling, it was painful and it was real

'I don't care,' his temper was rising and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep it in check 'I don't care about my career anymore, my life, the little that I do own… I Just. Want. You! I can't control the feelings that rage inside of me, I would follow you to the end of the world and back just to feel you kiss me again, You wanted me, deep down you wanted this so don't you dare think you can shake me now! As for you dying and leaving me behind, that is never going to happen, remember when we were on apophis's ship and I was trying to save you instead of myself? Well whatever the situation I could never leave you to die, if we were in that situation again I would do exactly the same thing, If I was to die I want to be able to look into your eyes and know I die for you'

There was no doubt in Sam's mind that Jack's retort was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to her but she still couldn't allow this to affect her, her points were still valid, there were still things that could not work which meant there wasn't a way they could work, relationships were for people who didn't go out and battle lunatics with snakes in their heads to save the world everyday, she would always love him but to act upon this love was too much to risk. The possibility of heartbreak outweighed that of happiness

'I'm sorry,' she reached out a hand and guided his lips towards hers before kissing him soft and sweetly 'Goodbye Jack,' she left her lab, tears rushing down her cheeks with the pain of disappointed love.

Wow! It's actually longer than the other 2! And definitely more romantic than I expected! The next chapter things will start hotting up – Jack refuses to take no for an answer and there will be some Drama for Sam!

This is a great experience for me writing this! I am very much enjoying myself, it's nice to write angst where someone isn't dead and I love romance!

Thanx for reading and for the one review I saw I had before I came offline, I hope even if only a couple of people read it they enjoyed it! I aim to please!

Smiles

Sesa

xxx