Disclaimer: Sadly, I am making no money off of this. So, JKR, if you wish to sue, all you will recieve are a million books, which is all I have.

Seducing Calus

Readers, this is a special column I'm doing, on a conversation I had with a woman earlier. As you lot know, I have a speaking glass, the mate of which is at the headquarters of The Daily Prophet and anyone can come in and have a one-on-one conversation with me and that is what this woman did. I will not bore you any more and get on to the conversation.

Woman: Calus? Calus is that you?

Me: No, it is I, the Great and Powerful God.

Oh…oh, you're being sarcastic aren't you?

Bloody hell, woman, just get on with the reason for wanting to talk to me or put the glass down and walk away.

Oh, you! I just wanted to say that I am a Muggle-born—

You just wanted to tell me of your lineage.

No, I wanted to say that I absolutely love you; I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, you are, are you?

(Giggling) I am, I love you.

You said that already. Now, can I ask you a question?

What?

A question. Are you thick?

I'm so excited to actually be talking to you. I read your column religiously. Did I say that you are my hero?

Why?

Why, what?

Why am I your hero? Why do you like me so much?

I don't know…

You love me and you don't know why? Do you read my column?

Of course. How else would I know who you are?

And you love me.

(More giggling) I adore you.

But what about me do you adore?

I don't know…

You have to know why you love me! You cannot love someone and not know why; they cannot be your hero for unknown reasons. Now, I ask you again Miss, what is it about me that compels you to read my column so religiously and proclaim yourself my largest fan? Is it my bluntness?

No, it's not that.

Is it that I say anything I want?

No.

My attitude?

I think you are quite rude actually. You could be a bit nicer, you know.

Sadly, readers, this is how the rest of the conversation went. I hate people who claim to be my fans because I always get the same reply: none of them seems to know why it is they like me so much. Are you lot just a bunch of masochistic witches and wizards? Is that it? Do you like to be insulted?

Readers, I must let this article be an order; don't ever tell me you are my fan again without first having a reason.

I found a book called The Complete Duffer's Guide to Making Any Twit Fall in Love with You that seemed like it would suit my needs.

I already decided to do a thing they called "glued eyes". What it is, is this. You look at a bloke across a room (the cafeteria would do fine) and make eye contact with the bloke. Then turn your head while keeping your eyes riveted on his until the last moment when your eyes are hurting. Then count to five and glance back at him.

I wanted to try this out on someone first before moving onto Caleb/Calus.

When I was walking into the building, there was a bloke standing outside smoking a fag. I did the glued eyes on him and his fag nearly dropped out of his mouth. Then with eyes glazed over, he came klutzily over to me.

"Hello there."

Glued eyes are what The Complete Duffer's Guide to Making Any Twit Fall in Love with You said you should do to reel 'em in. The other thing to seal the deal is, while there talking, start looking at their eyes then glance sloooowly down to their mouth, up to the eyes, back down to the chest, up to the eyes and back until you land on his trouser snake.

I know: EW.

But I did so while Klutz told me his name and after I hit the snake, I swear he was going to melt.

A success!

Now to get out of there before I lead him on any further…

Neither glued eyes nor the up-down-to-trouser-snake worked on Caleb/Calus.

I sat with Lola in lunch and tried it inconspicuously across the café while she told me another riveting (ha!) tale of how he and her fiancé's first date went. I did glued eyes and when C/C finally looked up, it was to eye me as though I were a complete mad woman. I proceeded on the second one but, because he was sitting at a table, I couldn't see his trouser snake (not that it was hanging out or anything. I mean where it should have been) as it was covered by the table. So it possibly looked like I was eyeing his food. At least if his pointing to the sweets counter and mouthing that that was where he got it was anything to go by.

Thankfully, The Complete Duffer's Guide to Making Any Twit Fall in Love with You is more than two pages long so it had more.

For those particularly tough men, or in case of emergency-

So if there's a fire, you grab the nearest bloke and snog him within an inch of his life? That kind of emergency?

There is another method, only to be used cautiously, mind you. This may call for a lot of lip balm as it can require the licking of the lips.

Call attention to your mouth. You can do this by licking your lips, nibbling your bottom lip, applying lip balm, chewing chuddie and blowing a bubble, etc.

If near him, make sure you have at least one body part touching him at all times. This will remind him that you are there and don't let him forget it!

Now the dangerous part. If you are not serious about catching this man, I would highly suggest you refrain from doing this last step. Now, that said, here's what you do: get somewhere alone with him and start leaning into him and rubbing his chest, shoulder, etc. then coo how much you've been looking at him and so on. Finally, snog him before he can say no!

Ok, Caleb was not what I looked for in a snogging partner, or even friend for that matter as he didn't seem to be very nice and wasn't much of a looker either. However, I was desperate. I needed him to admit who he was and give me an interview. And possibly meet Ginny so she could see what a mistake she'd made fancying him.

My opportunity came about a week later when I had (again) made an excuse to use the loo to avoid Lola's boring tales. And wouldn't you know it; I ended up in the same corridor I always found myself.

And who else was there but Caleb/Calus! I found him leaned against a wall studying a sheet of paper so intently you'd think it was giving him prophecies.

"Caleb?" I smiled my warmest smile as if he were the highlight of my day. "Remember me?"

He glanced over at me and exhaled hard through his nose. "The one who didn't know what bibliomania was, right?"

Bastard.

I gestured to a familiar-looking door, the one Snape and I had slipped into to talk.

"Listen, can I talk to you alone?"

His pale eyes looked at me blankly. "We're alone now, aren't we?"

Difficult man! I batted my eyes and hoped he would take the hint. "Well, we need to be more alone, if you don't mind."

Finally, he relented but only, I think, because he thought I was completely off my rocker. As soon as we were in, I closed the door.

Swallowing down a bit of vomit, I leaned my body into him.

"So, I've been watching you for a while now and I must say you're very intriguing."

I would have cracked up at the look on his face had I not been trying to act like a naughty minx, aka Lavender Brown. I do think I will always remember it and it made the deed a little more bearable.

I went on, trailing my finger along his squishy chest. "And I think I caught you looking at me as well."

The colour of his face could not be replicated by magic. He gulped, his large Adam's apple bouncing up and down like a bouncy thing. "I-I-I…I don't know wh-what you're talk-talking about."

Ugh, this is so disgusting. "Oh, I think you do. And I know a secret. About you."

His eyes went really wide. "You do?"

I nodded. Time for the bomb. "I know who you really are."

He didn't say anything but only stared at my nose as if it just turned into a very ferocious lion.

"You are Calus." I nodded for reference. "I know it is your secret identity."

Now his face was a complete question mark. "I believe you are mistaken."

"I don't think so. Come on, just come out with it. You are Calus. You have the same disposition and you even mentioned a letter I wrote to him...you. The girl who feared everything?"

He shook his head furiously now, his nervousness gone. "I swear, I'm not. I read that in Calus' article." He thrust the paper he had been reading in my hand. "Look. I was trying to see who he was also."

The paper seemed to be from a sort of fan club of Calus' and had speculations as to Calus' identity and location.

Just as I, still leaning provocatively against Caleb/NOTCalus, was realizing what a doofus I was and really wishing I had one of those special permits that allows you to Disapparate from The Leaky Cauldron headquarters, I heard a voice behind me ask, "Am I interrupting something?"

Oh, I recognized the voice but really hoped I was wrong. I turned slowly around.

I was right. It was Snape. And he seemed to be trying, without much success, to keep from smiling.

I opened my mouth to reply (and say what, I do not know) when I felt Caleb tug on my arm. His paper suddenly blocked my vision as he hissed into my ear, "They think Calus' office is right where we are. That bloke could be Calus!"

I shook my head. "He's not; he's a friend of mine."

Caleb straightened up. Staring straight ahead and not meeting either my or Snape's gazes, claimed he had business and left in a hurry, closing the door tightly behind him.

Leaving me alone with Snape. Peachy.

He leaned against the door, his hair falling into his eyes making it impossible for me to see them clearly, but said nothing, only grinning very annoyingly.

After about five hours, he asked softly, "I don't mean to pry, but he doesn't seem like your type."

I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't hold it any longer. I blurted out the entire mortifying story to him. I said, "Lola was gone so I had so sit somewhere where I wouldn't have to endure small talk because I hate small talk and the only non-small-talking person seemed to be that bloke. And he mentioned my letter--the one I told you I wrote to Calus, he even seemed like the Calus type, to top it all off, his name was Caleb, and that was a lot like Calus so I decided he was him, you know? I had to get the truth from him somehow and I figured I could use my feminine charms and even went out and bought a book, The Complete Duffer's Guide to Making Any Twit Fall in Love with You and it told me to do glued eyes but that didn't work and neither did the trouser snake thing so I did the third, in-case-of-emergencies one and that's what I was doing but I found out that Caleb was looking for Calus also and I was wrong and hit on the wrong guy who I would not have gone anywhere near in any other case and—why are you laughing?"

I had never, in my entire life seen Snape laugh and had I not been so furious at being laughed at, I would have noticed how nice it was to hear his laugh.

He was laughing so hard that he had to clutch the doorknob to keep from falling over. "You…" he gasped. "You tried to seduce him!"

I glowered down at him with all my power. "I hardly believe it is that funny."

"Are you certain it's Miss Weasley and not you who fancies him?"

"Would you stop, kindly?"

He collected himself and once again became the non-laughing professor I knew and loved. Or at least pretended to love so as not to draw attention to myself. He said, "When I made certain your letter was in the article, I had expected entertainment but surely not on this level."

"What do you mean you 'made certain my letter was in the article'?" I demanded in a voice that reminded me alarmingly of my mum.

He went on as if I hadn't spoken. "Next time, it would be highly advisable if you spoke with me of any suspects you might have unless you want another repeat of today."

I didn't move one centemetre. "What do you mean you 'made certain my letter was in the article'?" I repeated.

He didn't even have the decency to look ashamed as he informed me calmly, "Miss Granger, I know who Calus is."

Whaaat? "WHAT?!" I wanted to hit him. "How long?"

While I had only dark looks for him, he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself.

"The entire time."

"And you let me make a fool out of myself? Why didn't you tell me? You knew what I was trying to do!"

He looked rather pleased with himself, the bastard. "One, it was promising to be quite the show."

I growled. He smiled.

"I'm also sworn to secrecy. If I tell anyone, I could get sacked."

Bewilderment replaced fury. "Get sacked? From Hogwarts?"

Not answering, he went on. "Look on the bright side. At least it was me who caught you and not your friend Lola."

I have the most self-control of anyone I know because no one else would have been able to keep from turning him into a toad that would definitely not be snogged by a fair princess.

I still said, "Well, of course you would know Calus is, you're two feathers of a bird or whatever. How is it you found out who he was?"

"He's the one interviewing me. For his column."

The math appeared in my head.

Me Snape Calus

I was only one degree away from knowing Calus personally and the man to help me, possibly my only hope, was the largest arse in the world. But I had to do something.

"Professor, couldn't you just please tell me who he is?"

"No."

"I won't even write the article or anything! I'll just use my knowledge to tell Ginny! And she's good at keeping secrets! Not at all like Lola!"

"No."

"You must!"

One inky black eyebrow went straight up. "And if I don't?" he countered. "What are you going to do then? Seduce me?"

Ok, I won't even lie but that thought did cross my mind. Not that I though it would work or anything but it was an idea and Snape was a man. Oh, and you know, I'm probably suppose to add that I don't even find him attractive. This is the truth.

Kind of.

Maybe.

I would never actually admit this to him though as he would probably laugh even more. So I kept my air of dignity about me and smiled my best swotty smile. "Give me three good reasons why you can't tell me, please professor. Aside from your getting sacked, which I don't understand."

He actually seemed to be thinking it over for a minute before finally replying, in a way that reminded me of back when he was my professor in both the tone and the way he quite literally ignored my question. "Miss Granger, that book you have, the Twit book is complete rubbish."

If he was trying to derail me with the change of subject, it worked. Because I could only blink and ask, "How do you mean?" Sometimes I have an extra-long attention span and others; my span is about that of Ron's.

He practically flew over to me and, in a half-heartbeat, had his hands on each side of my hips on the desk (why did he keep doing that?) making me feel a bit nervous. As with the last time we had been in this position, he deepened his voice and, as if he flipped a switch, intensified his gaze. I was really beginning to wonder if he was using Legilimency on me.

The corners of his lips curled up and he told me, "You don't need to do all this drivel to seduce a man. All you have to do is shove a man against a wall and kiss him passionately."

I was getting seduction tips from Professor Snape! Oh, I was fully going to have to come clean with my Find Calus plan with Gin so I could tell her this. Who would believe that I've been having these conversations with him? I mean, really, before then the only talking we did was me giving him answers to questions and him assigning detention, insulting me or my friends, taking house points, or telling me I was out of place. Imagine if someone like…Filch came and had a heart-to-heart with me. Now that would be odd.

"And no man," he continued in that rich voice he had, "would be able to refuse the attention of a beautiful woman."

Now how was I supposed to respond to that? Somehow, I didn't think "Thanks for the advice" would cut it. So I only gawped at him—something I've been doing a lot lately.

He suddenly straightened up and looked at the door. "That friend of yours is outside looking for you. She wants to ask you something."

I was just about to ask him how he knew this (See? Attention span like a goldfish, I swear) when I suddenly heard her tiny voice say to someone, "Have you seen Lucy? I want to ask her something."

I walked over to the door and opened it. She was talking to Roy, an older man, about eighty-five, from Games. She spun around with a large smile on her face. "Lucy, there you are! And Severus also. I'm glad to catch you two together." She smirked in an I-caught-you-with-your-hand-in-the-cookie-jar sort of way. "I figured you'd snuck off to spend time with your lover."

I suddenly felt an arm around my waist. I looked up to see Snape holding me to his side, staring straight ahead no matter how hard I eyed him, unsuccessfully willing him to meet my gaze. I'd almost forgotten about our act of being in love but apparently, he hadn't. I wrapped my arm around his waist and tried to act as if it were the most normal thing in the world. And it wasn't, but for some reason, it did feel normal, as if we were meant to stand like that.

And let me tell you, in Snape's half-embrace? Not so bad. In fact, half of me (ok, all of me) hoped that whatever she had to say would take a while.

Lola was beginning to go into how she and Stephen used to do the same thing (sneak off together not wrap their arms around each other. Although I'm sure they did that as well) so I interjected, "You wanted to ask me something?"

"Oh, yes, actually. I wanted to ask both of you out to dinner tonight. See, Stephen won dinner for four at The Frog Prince and I thought it would be fun to have a double date. You know…Steve, Severus, you, and me. That way we could get to know each other."

I knew Snape wasn't going to agree to the dinner (and frankly the thought of watching Lola and Stephen make kissy faces at each other was enough to turn my stomach) but I didn't want to just flat-out say no. But my mind was working quickly and I replied, "Actually, I think we might have to do something tonight but why don't I talk with Severus and I will let you know when lunch is over, alright?"

Her grin didn't falter for one moment as she nodded energetically. "Lovely. I'll see you in a bit." Then to Snape, "And you later."

As soon as she'd disappeared around the corner, Snape turned to me. "What, you don't want to go?"

"I didn't think you'd want to, actually."

He shrugged and his eyes darkened as if a cloud had passed in front of them; he was closing up again. "She asked us to dinner because she doubts the authenticity of our relationship."

Oh, no. "She does? But how?"

He talked to my feet. "We just haven't shown enough affection or 'acted like a couple'."

Wait. "How do you know all this?"

"Legilimency," was his simple reply.

"You used Legilimency on her?" I scolded. "Isn't that an invasion of privacy?"

"It is, but I wanted to see her motive." He added, "If I hadn't done it, we never would have known that our act isn't as seamless as one might have thought. In her eyes, we don't act like a couple."

"So, you think this dinner would put the doubt from her mind?"

"Maybe not completely, but it would be a nice push. Unless you don't want to," he added, still staring at my feet. Why wouldn't he look at me today?

I thought about that. "Well, I honestly don't fancy watching them batting their eyelashes and calling each other 'Snookums' or 'LoveDove' or whatever hideous names they came up with. But I don't need anyone doubting who I am and it is a free meal. So, if you don't mind, I'll tell her we'll be there."

And then he smiled. And not sardonically or patronizingly but an actual genuine smile. It was far more attractive than it should have been, by all laws of physics or whatever. Quite like a coat of paint on drab walls…just brightened his face right up and I hardly recognised it. "Well, we'll have to get the time so, you ask her and I'll meet you after you get off. What time is that?"

"Three."

And it was set. Lola told me dinner was at seven and after I told Snape, I set out to tell Ginny.

A/N: If anyone has seen Talk Radio, that's where I got the ideas for Calus' articles.

My betas are brilliant

My betas are great

If I didn't have them

Then that would not be great (my rhyming is atrocious!)

Oh please read and review but disregard my above poem!

Next chappie...Bloody feet!