A/N: Hey guys, thanks for continuing to read! I'm happy to announce this fic has been nominated for an award in the ER Fic and Fandom Discord! (It was nominated from the completed version that I posted to AO3 last year.)

If you'd like to visit the server, just let me know and I'll make sure you get an invite link.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts so far! Feel free to leave a review or any feedback you have.

Janet was sitting in the County General ambulance bay, wishing she had just come out to enjoy a beautiful spring day. Of course, it wasn't that simple. She was holding a letter from Caitlyn, hoping the third time she read it would help everything make sense. But she still found the words overwhelming:

Dear Mom,

I hope you're still holding up OK and that you're reading this from somewhere safe.

We need to talk. I mean really talk.

Over the years, I know we've had this half-baked relationship arrangement. We "get by." We "do the best we can." But lately, I've been tired of "getting by." I'm sure you're tired of that too and just never said it because you knew my feelings were the most important thing. I'm tired of going weeks or months without contacting you. I need you. But before we come back to each other, I need answers.

During my childhood, there were times I felt abandoned. Dad did a great job with me and I still love him, but it wasn't the same as having a full-time mother in the house. I'm not mad at you for getting sick. I'm not even sure I'm mad about the divorce. As I grew up, I knew why it had to happen. I just wish I knew why you were barely there for me. I'm sure it was scary for you, being in recovery and still having to be a doctor and a mother and find a new place in the world. But at the same time, I felt like you could have done more. Yes, you did your best when Drew and I visited. We always had nice clothes, the house was well-kept and in a safe neighborhood, you tried to show your love, and we always had food in the refrigerator. It wasn't that you were neglectful.

It was just that I felt like it wasn't enough. When I was in cheerleading, my friends loved having a cheer dad, and Dad went all-in on fundraisers and taking me to practice and games, but I wanted a cheer mom too. I know cheerleading isn't exactly your forte, but you could have tried to get involved. An hour isn't that far away, Mom. Why didn't you do things like come to parades or come to more games to see me? I only really got to visit your house maybe one weekend a month when you were off and some holidays. Why did you seem nervous when you did turn up outside of the custody agreement? Where were you at my art exhibits? You always seemed happy when you looked at my paintings, or my yearbook photos, but it wasn't overall what I needed. To me, you were just reading parenting books and checking off boxes and considering yourself done. Again, I don't entirely fault you. I just want you to understand that you did hurt me and I want to talk to you about it.

I'm an adult now, and we're both medical professionals, so we both understand the physical and emotional pitfalls of addiction. But we don't seem to truly know each other. I want you to know me. I want to talk about what happened on an adult level and go beyond how things were explained to me when I was younger. That doesn't work anymore either. I hope you agree.

All of this said, despite my anger and sadness, I want you to know I still miss you. I think about what could be. What if I could take you out to breakfast for Mother's Day? What if we could make Christmas cookies? What if we just sat together on the couch or talked on the phone for hours and laughed and cried and bonded like mothers and daughters are supposed to? It would be a dream come true for me to have the mother I've always wanted.

I do want you to stay healthy and safe. Thirteen years of sobriety is no joke. I can commend you for achieving that and I pray that you can keep maintaining it. Ellie says some people don't even make it to 13 days, and here you are. She's right that keeping it up for that long is "really cool." Her words. I'm sure the years haven't been easy for you. I don't wish any harm on you. I just want things to be different.

I want you to be there for the big events that are yet to happen in my life. I don't want to someday be planning my wedding and not knowing if my mother is coming, or even asking myself if I should invite you. If I have a baby, I want you to be in the delivery room and help me through labor...just, please for the love of God, don't make it a sitcom plot. "Pushy OB mom takes over daughter's delivery." Well...OK, you can if the doctor won't make it in time, haha. But seriously, I can't go through that without my mother. It just won't happen if we don't rebuild our relationship.

I hope you've really read this letter and tried to understand where I'm coming from. If you're willing to hear me out and open your heart and mind, please get in touch with me. I will come see you, and if you'll listen to me, then I will do everything I can to know you better too and listen to your challenges and breakthroughs in recovery. We have to start somewhere.

Let me know. I'll be waiting, and I'm ready if you are.

Love,

Caitlyn

Janet reached for the tissues she always carried in her lab coat pocket and saw the packet was running low. So many times she'd given these to a patient, or even another colleague who was having a bad day, but this time, she was the one going through them. As she dabbed her eyes and scrambled to tuck the letter away, just in case anyone tried to snoop over her shoulder, she noticed that Archie had come up to her with a cup of coffee.

"Peace offering?"

She took the coffee. "How did you know I was thinking about the next cup?"

"Ha! Just a hunch. But seriously, I could tell you seemed upset so I thought I'd do you a favor. Bad day?"

"Not really...for some reason I haven't yet tapped into, we've had a lot of quiet Fridays in OB lately. I guess babies are excited for weekends just as much as the rest of us and prefer to sleep in. I don't think you can really help me with the real issue. I heard from my daughter, and she's decided she wants to work on our relationship, which, as you may have seen, is about the furthest thing from some of those sappy TV shows and movies my nurses are always talking about."

"That's not my business," Archie shook his head. "But you're right. I don't have any grand advice for that one. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Sounds like a pretty big hurdle."

"It is. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure I deserve her after the past we've had and the hell my alcoholism put her through. We see so many neglected children here and I've definitely treated pregnant women who are using, and when I am done with such a case, I bite my tongue even when other coworkers might vent in private. Not like I have room to judge after what I did to my kids and my marriage."

"Hey, why are you saying that? You deserve more self-compassion than that. I imagine your daughter wouldn't have reached out to you if she didn't see some sign of life change or didn't have even a small desire to forgive you and try to make things better. Just because you made mistakes doesn't mean you shouldn't have good relationships with people who love and support you."

"Maybe because nothing I can think of to say is adequate." Janet seemed defeated. "I don't know what I can do to try and take away even some of the hurt she's feeling. I know that I can't just say it was my drinking because that is no excuse even though all three of us know that addiction makes you do things you'd never do if you were clean. I remember way back when standing somewhere around this corner," she gestured around the ambulance bay since she couldn't remember where she had hidden all those years ago, "trying to sneak a drink at work because I was really stressed out. Not enough to get impaired but I just needed to relax. I would never do that today."

"OK, so you did something stupid at work what, almost 20 years ago? I'm not saying it's acceptable to drink on the job, but people have forgiven you for it. Are a lot of the people who know about the past still working here?"

"For the most part, no." Janet realized that as her recovery progressed, a lot of the coworkers who were around when she was at her worst and first getting sober had moved to different hospitals, retired, or sadly passed away.

"Time heals all wounds," Archie said with a small smile. "Look, maybe there are employees here who know about your addiction and recovery, and I'm sure they're supportive. I can't speak for everyone, but me personally, I care about what's happening now, not something you did in the 90s. I think to be sober for over 10 years is something special. What matters to me is that even though the ER and OB don't always get along, is that you're a hell of a doctor and you care about your patients."

"Thank you," Janet said. "I think I'm still paranoid from what happened when I first got back to work from rehab all those years ago. 1996, to be specific."

"Can I ask what it was like?" Archie was curious.

"Sure. It was very difficult. The staff knew what addiction does; they knew I was sick. But when they hear that their immediate colleague is an alcoholic, they have questions and concerns. Did Janet ever work drunk? Did she harm any patients? Is she really going to change? I was gossiped about a lot. I would come down here for a consult and some of the staff would scatter. I could tell they'd been talking about me. I'd hear whispers in common areas. Now, over time it faded away as I proved myself and the staff found new gossip fodder. But that's why I don't like to tell people until I trust them and we work well together. I just don't want to go through that all over again. There are still people here like Haleh and Chuny who know…"

"Everything about everybody." The two of them couldn't help but laugh, knowing that Chuny and Haleh were the gossip queens of County.

"They do know about you, right?"

Janet nodded. "They've worked here long enough to know. They were in a meeting with other staff when I first returned and broke the news, and they were actually very nice despite all the conflicts. You'd think given that people are here who are aware and how long I've been sober I'd feel comfortable with myself and my past, but I would rather just...keep everything in. I don't really want to express emotions at work, and I don't tell people here about the disease and my recovery until I really can trust them. There's been so many new faces around here the last few years that as soon as I think someone is worth telling, they're gone. It's so hard, you know? I'm not always as secure in myself as I might appear but I don't want everyone to know that. I have a reputation to uphold, I feel like so I hate crying at work, hate talking about my problems. I admit I get envious of you all down here sometimes. Your group is so close and shares everything. I don't have that knack."

"You remember Julia, that chaplain, right?" Janet asked?

"Yeah."

"Well, last year I was feeling emotional when I hit 12 years sober. My sober birthday always makes me feel that way. I do a lot of crying and praying. Well, unfortunately for me, when I sat in the chapel to pray, she came in. Not as if she barged in; she was just making rounds. She saw me crying and she offered to sit with me and pray, so we sat in silence for a few minutes just because I really wanted to reflect. She was so kind. She said she wasn't too familiar with addiction and recovery but I could call her anytime and she'd educate herself and read some literature. She gave me some pamphlets on grace and forgiveness to take with me because the one thing I did tell her was that I struggle with giving myself that. I felt bad I never called her and I still have those pamphlets and her card at home. She wanted to help and I shoved her away. Well, in the way I do it…"

"Isn't it like, go to hell in such a way that they'll enjoy a trip? That's what I hear." Archie looked over as they both laughed.

"Listen, you don't have to explain anything about feelings to me," Archie put on a more serious face. "I find myself doing the same things you do. Resisting help when I need it. Holding in emotions. Denying anything is wrong. When I got held hostage in a trauma last year, I remember going to the therapist who was assigned to talk to us and basically saying I didn't need this, thanks but no thanks; I'm great. Then I realized I did need the help and set up an appointment. Of course, when Greg died...I found myself trying to bury my grief again. I threw myself into this place and didn't take time off. I got into an argument with Banfield on her first day. I just held it all in until it boiled over."

Janet sipped her coffee. "I hid a lot when I was drinking. I passed the buck around here like it was an Olympic sport and I was a gold medal contender. I considered myself to be high functioning...until one day when I wasn't. I didn't tell anyone what I was suffering with until I couldn't hide it anymore and I knew I had to do something. And now here we are, all these years later, and Caitlyn wants answers. I know I need to give them to her. I just worry it's too late."

"I don't think it's ever too late as long as this is something she asked for," he said. "People can change, or sometimes enough time passes that people can open themselves up more to moving on."

"I just mentioned Greg. He had a lot of issues in his own life. He had a strained relationship with his father. He made mistakes with Bettina and Chaz when trying to understand who they were and what they wanted. He wasn't perfect, just like I'm not and you're not. But through it all, he was one of the least judgmental people I knew. He knew he had messed up and that helped him forgive others for their own mistakes. If he were sitting here talking to you, I could hear what he'd say...hey Janet it's OK; we all screw up and you've done a great thing to bounce back. He wouldn't be afraid of hearing you're in recovery and trying to rebuild with your daughter because he'd been in a tough spot. He understood. I try to be like him and be more empathetic to people and forgive easier."

"You really think that's what would happen?"

"Absolutely. Look, I don't know exactly how you feel and I don't know your whole life story. And I know it's hard sometimes. But I bet if you did try to talk with people who didn't know what you've dealt with, you'd find more understanding than you'd ever imagine. Sure, it might be a hard sell with some people. I know Sam and Tony have alcoholics in their families too and dealt with the fallout of that, so they might be wary."

"And that's fair," Janet interrupted. "I don't force people to like me. I can only share the best I can about the past and how I've done in recovery. If Sam and Tony or anyone else doesn't accept that, there's nothing I can do."

"For sure. But still, you won't know if you don't try. Even if a couple of people don't accept you, you'll find the people who do want to prop you up and be there for you. I think of this quote Greg liked: 'Fall down seven times, get up eight.' Yeah, this may feel like a setback for you. But you've already gotten through a lot in your life. We all get knocked down from time to time. But Greg felt it was a matter of how you got back up and moved on. There's always a new day."

Both their pagers went off at almost the same time.

"Duty calls!" He stood up. "We have a trauma coming in. You?"

"Headed up to delivery. Not an emergency at least, but I'd better get a move on. Thanks for your help. This was a good conversation and you didn't have to do anything like this. I appreciate it."

"Same. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But I'm sure you'll get what you need. I know we're not exactly friends, but I hope it works out."

"Thanks again."

"Sorry that I had to change lunch to brunch," Janet told her friend Beth as they sat down in a diner. "Usually Saturdays aren't like this, but I switched with another attending to be on call for the afternoon. I think she said she's going to her godson's birthday party or something."

"Oh, please; I don't mind! I'm just happy to spend time with you again, Janet."

Beth was one of Janet's good friends from their home AA meeting. She'd been sober for seven years to Janet's 13, but Beth's daughter Lauren was around Caitlyn's age, which helped the two hit it off easily when Beth joined Janet's home group last year after moving to Chicago.

"So catch me up on all that's been happening with your daughter. How do you see the situation?"

"If I could get past my emotions about the whole thing, that would be a start. I haven't stopped crying much unless I'm going to work. I would rather my coworkers not see me upset so I turn it off at the hospital, which is neither here nor there. I just keep looking for a solution, and I find none. Plus, this isn't something I expected to ever confront. I always thought that she'd just keep popping up when she wanted and that was that. But now that her feelings have changed, I have to really think this over. I wish I knew what the answer was."

"Don't we all?" Beth laughed. "If we had all the answers in life, we wouldn't be attending meetings, and we would've never gone to rehab."

"There's no script you can follow for this. You know that. I mean, yeah Step 9 can be a huge help if you read it over again, but still. You just have to address the ways you hurt her the most and acknowledge that the alcohol does not excuse your behavior, in a way that you think she'll receive those words. And even then she may decide, hey sorry Mom; this isn't working for me, I can't be close to you. That's what I was most worried about with Lauren, that she would feel there was no way back and she wanted me out of her life, but I also reminded myself I couldn't control her reaction. I had to be clear to her that even though this is a disease, it doesn't excuse the fact that I scared her by being unnecessarily angry with her because I'd been drinking. Or that I disappeared overnight or for days at a time and let her father handle everything while I slept off a hangover or drank at a friend's house."

"So, no expectations then," Janet clarified as Beth nodded. "Makes sense. Not like Caitlyn is one of my staff members and I can tell her where to be and when and how to act."

"If that's what helps you realize my point. Caitlyn's the driver here, not you. I know you like to be in charge, but this is one time where it doesn't work that way. You meet her where and when she's comfortable and don't try to intrude on her space and boundaries. When I was ready to talk to Lauren, I didn't try to go to her college dorm, for example. I would suggest not doing that for Caitlyn unless she specifically suggests her apartment."

"This is what I signed up for," Janet found herself recalling the advice she gave to Abby about a year ago, which she now needed to take herself. But mostly, she remembered getting another unexpected visit from Luka after he and Abby returned from their reunion in Croatia…

2008.

There was a knock at Janet's office door as she caught up on some charts. She looked at her watch and her calendar but didn't see where she was expecting anyone. Still, she decided to answer the call.

"Come in."

Luka opened the door.

"Luka," Janet put her pile of charts aside. "Didn't expect to see you given how our last conversation ended. Close the door and take a seat wherever you're comfortable. Do you want a cup of coffee?"

"Oh, no thanks."

Luka sat down and looked at her. "Janet...listen...about the things I said to you before I went back to Croatia. I was very wrong. I was just upset and worried about Abby. When I left the hospital I realized you were hurt. Abby told me she heard about our conversation."

"You were frustrated," Janet nodded as she sipped her coffee. "I know. This has been my life for years. You're not the first one that's said something like that to me about my family. Well OK, collateral damage...that was a new one. But you were right. My family was torn apart. My daughter especially." She pulled out Caitlyn's college graduation picture and showed it to Luka.

"Beautiful daughter," Luka said, and Janet smiled to thank him for the compliment.

"I just don't want it to happen to you and Abby. I think all the time about my son and daughter and the pain I caused. Believe me, I wouldn't be Abby's sponsor, or anyone's, if I didn't know the road traveled."

Luka folded his hands in front of his forehead. "Abby does speak very highly of you. I just want you to know that. And you were right. I shouldn't have come to yell at you and ask questions. I was just upset at the moment and thought you'd know something. Believe me, she was not happy with me when we talked and found out I went to you. I realized it betrayed the trust the both of you had in me, but I hope we can move past it."

"I accept your apology." She folded her hands and smiled at him. "It was a weak moment, but let's just try to understand each other and communicate better in the future."

"Janet?"

She snapped out of her daydream and realized Beth had been talking to her.

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"You never space out like that. What's wrong? Besides, your food is here." Beth smiled and gestured to a vegetable omelet with wheat toast and a bowl of fruit. "I wish I had your dietary discipline, by the way." Beth seemed content with her side dish of bacon and some fried eggs.

Janet blushed and realized that since she was Abby's sponsor she couldn't tell Beth about her interactions with Luka. But she didn't know how else to explain what she'd been thinking about, so she quickly fumbled for a generic explanation.

"I just wish I didn't have such a hard time with my emotions and dealing with pain. I hate being open with people so a lot of times, I just...don't do it one-on-one. Or I do but it doesn't feel comfortable. At the hospital a lot of my coworkers bond so well with each other and talk about personal problems together. I have never been able to do that. Or well if I was, people get new jobs, they retire, or they pass away. Then I have to start all over again with finding people to trust. Plus, when people find out, they say stuff about me and bring up my family in ways that aren't always charitable. You'd think it would get easier and I'd shrug it off, but some days it still hurts."

"It's not so much that I want to ignore Caitlyn or don't care about her. I just build a lot of walls and can't tear them down to communicate with the people closest to me."

"That surprises me," Beth said. "You share so much in meetings. I think that's why a lot of women in the meeting gravitate towards you. They hear you talk and they believe long-term sobriety and life change is possible. I'm not saying this to suck up or anything. When I came to my first meeting last year after our move, I think the topic was moral inventory, and I remember in our breakout circle just how honest you were being about your flaws and how you believe you're always a work in progress, and I just thought oh my gosh I have to talk to this woman afterwards. And so began a wonderful friendship, of course."

"But what if I'm just a hypocrite?" Janet frowned. "I may say all these wonderful things and you may think I'm inspiring others, but underneath all the work I've done on myself, I feel like I'm living a lie at times. Like there's a disconnect between everyone who talks about what a great career I have or how I'm so compassionate to others versus the person I really am. I feel like people are going to see underneath and be disappointed."

"Well, I don't think you're a hypocrite. I have felt like an imposter a lot too. When I first got back on the job market, I didn't know who would ever want to hire me. I didn't believe I had any skills. Then it was feeling too old to work in a grocery store with all these teenagers. And just like you have struggled with Caitlyn, I have felt like a bad mom or a fake mom to Lauren. Janet, we all have flaws and skeletons in the closet. If only perfect people could give advice, I think AA would cease to exist. And therapists would be bankrupt, among other things."

"Can I make a suggestion? Maybe you should find a therapist. Therapy really worked for me in Indiana and it's going well here. It helped me save my marriage. It helped me be honest with my family, and it's even helped us feel comfortable in our new home here in Chicago. Even though we wanted to move to a larger area where we could blend in more, we were still in a new place and had to find jobs, friendships, and get to know the area. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't make finding a therapist and an AA meeting top priorities when Dave and I got here."

Janet accepted the server's offer of more coffee and raised her eyebrows at Beth. "Therapy? You don't know me very well, do you?" She grinned. "Therapy and I go together like oil and water. I don't like the idea of sitting on a couch for an hour spilling my innermost thoughts. Caitlyn would probably even tell you I'd never be caught dead there."

"It's OK to need help; that's what I'm trying to tell you. It could help you build better relationships at work if that's what you want or need. It could help you understand your daughter better or how to feel comfortable expressing your emotions. Those are just examples, though. Therapy is whatever you need or want it to be. A good therapist won't judge you and nobody but the two of you has to know you go. Just tell your colleagues you're going to the dentist or car shopping or something."

"And you can sit in a chair too if you want. No need to use the couch." She winked as Janet groaned and playfully flicked a napkin at Beth.

"Do you want to know what I was trying to tell you when you were daydreaming?"

"OK." Janet nodded.

"Glad to hear. You said this is what you signed up for and that's the truth. It's going to be uncomfortable, sure. But when I first saw Lauren to make amends, I told myself this: eyes and ears open, mouth shut. You've been sober longer than me so I'm sure this is probably redundant to you. But it's simple. When Caitlyn is talking, you're not. You're really listening to her. Don't dispute her feelings. Don't make excuses. Don't argue or talk over her. You have to really be 100% open to her side of the story even if it's unpleasant."

"Things may not get better overnight but think of how much better you'll feel when it's over. I know I felt like a huge burden had been lifted even if Lauren decided not to accept. Like my higher power was telling me, you've been forgiven and you have a chance to be better."

Janet understood where Beth was coming from and could feel the pieces of paper that were still in her purse.

"There's just one thing I have to do first." She closed her eyes. "I need her to know I have this letter. She hasn't even heard back from me yet. I got it Thursday. She's waiting."

"Well then what are you waiting for?" Beth asked. "You know you can't ignore it. If you don't let her know, she'll just drift further away and not trust you. She poured her heart out to her mother and she deserves to hear back. When you get home from work, call her. Don't wait another minute. And when you've contacted her, call me or call any of the other women whose numbers we have if I don't get to the phone. Every one of us knows how hard it is to make amends. We're here for you."

She reached across the table and took Janet's hands in hers. "Besides, if anyone can do this, it's you. I have faith."

"Thank you," Janet briefly felt ashamed. "You're right. She's extended the branch. I have to be the one to pull it together. I'll let you know how everything turns out."

When Janet got home from work that night, she looked at her phone again, seeing there were no messages. Then she sat on her bed, with her worn down 12 step book and journal just feet away from her. She had more work ahead of her, and quite honestly, she was dreading it a little. Janet knew recovery was a lifelong process and that the work was never truly done, but she couldn't shake feeling like a failure anyway.

Then she realized, if she was going to talk to Caitlyn, she figured it was now or...never. She couldn't keep taking pity on herself and avoiding the problem. She found herself recalling another piece of advice she gave Abby just a year ago:

"Getting sober means being honest with yourself and with the people you love...and you were right before; it's being honest about everything."

Speaking of Abby, the phone rang at that minute and Janet noticed it was her.

"I'm the one who missed your call this time," Abby greeted her. "Sorry about that. I have been slammed at work and this is the only time I've been able to come up for air."

"No worries. Do you have a few minutes now? I'll be brief."

"Sure."

"Abby…" Janet hesitated a minute. "I may not be as readily available for regular phone calls for a little bit. Now, I am still happy to be your sponsor and please do everything you can to reach me if you're in a crisis or having a craving. That said, I heard from Caitlyn and...I need to focus on her and work on our relationship if that's what she wants. We need each other. It's nothing personal and you've done nothing wrong. This is just what has to be done right now."

Janet held her breath, worried Abby was going to feel betrayed or angry. But she was pleasantly surprised by the response.

"Oh! Wow, that's really amazing news. You know I don't really like to pray, but I've been hoping for that for you for a long time. And I'm not mad. We all have dirty laundry. You do what you have to do and Luka and I will hope for the best for you. He's the one to pray so I'll see what he can do."

"Thank you for the support Abby," Janet answered. "Do you have a good network up there in Boston in case you can't reach me?"

"Yeah. I have a home group and sometimes I go to a meeting specifically for women too. I love Luka but…" She laughed a little. "It's nice to have a good group of female friends too. I can ask him for help but he can't do everything. Plus Mom is still stable so I can reach her too if I need to."

"Good luck with everything, Janet. I know it's going to be hard, but you're doing the right thing."

"Thank you again."

Janet hung up, desperate to just crash on the couch and order a pizza. On Saturday night she didn't mind cheating a little bit. But there was one more call she had to make, and she decided at that moment there was no TV and pizza until she did. After taking a deep breath, she scrolled through her phone and found Caitlyn's number.

Caitlyn's own phone went directly to voicemail, and Janet figured she was on shift or sleeping to get ready for the overnight. But that was no excuse for her to hang up.

"Cait," Janet began. "It's Mom...I have your letter here. And I agree; we need to talk. Call me when you get this and we'll work something out. I'll meet on your schedule and wherever you're comfortable seeing me. I hope to see you soon. Love you."

She retrieved her book and journal from her bedroom and brought it back to the couch. She could work on it between bites of food and during commercials. The ball was back in Caitlyn's court, and all she could do was wait to see what would come next.