"I can't do it."

Caitlyn was pulled over in what she was pretty sure was a legal parking spot, about a block from her mother's condo. She was feeling stressed about the meeting ahead of her and had taken a minute to regain her composure and call Ellie.

"Cait, what do you mean?"

"I'm not ready. I was right in front of her place and then I just...I panicked and started driving away. I didn't even get out of the car yet. This is going to be intense. I don't think I can handle it."

"That's part of the deal," Ellie said gently. "Hearing things you don't want to hear and saying what scares you. But you can do this. You wrote her that letter already, which convinced her to reach out and set this up. She hears you. You've come far. Don't walk away now."

"Hey, remember what I told you when we were stressing about the end of our clinicals and taking the boards? I regrouped first and then shared my infinite wisdom with you." Ellie's calmness almost beamed through the phone. No wonder Caitlyn's best friend was so good at ER nursing. She handled everything with confidence and barely let anything rattle her.

Caitlyn paused and reflected back to when she felt tired near the end of nursing school, not sure if she could start one more IV if her life depended on it. She heard Ellie's pep talk in her head and replied back with the Robert Frost quote:

"The best way out is all the way through."

"Yep. Same applies here, babe. I'll see you at work tomorrow and we'll talk then. You've got this. Don't even think about going home."

"How did you know I was doing that?"

"I've known you for five years. Just a hunch. You were on your way home, weren't you?"

"Yeah. I'm just...what if she's not home? What if she's going to ditch me?"

"I know you don't trust her yet," Ellie replied. "That's understood but if she reached back out to you and coordinated the day and time, then she's taking this seriously. Just go. Ring the bell. And don't call me unless you don't get an answer. I'm serious. From here on out, I'm going to assume you've gotten yourself back to where she lives and are seeing her. I love you, but it's time to be brave. You're worth this. Go."

"OK, Elle. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Caitlyn pulled back out and drove around the block to her mom's street. She decided to just pull into the first spot she saw. It was a little bit of a walk, but she was afraid if she kept driving she would end up back home, the same thing Ellie cautioned her against.

She took a deep breath and began walking towards the condo. The noises of the Chicago night seemed to go in one ear and out the other as her heart raced. What was her mother thinking at this moment? Was she considering backing out or telling Caitlyn to come back another day? Had she gone to the hospital for something she felt to be more urgent, disappointing her daughter yet again?

Stop, she thought. You're being paranoid. Mom wants this as much as you do.

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. "Just a minute!" her mom's voice responded.

Phew. She's here. See?

Janet opened the door and slightly smiled at Caitlyn. "Come on in. Did you make it OK?"

"Yeah, no problems."

"Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Could I have coffee, actually?"

"Certainly. I just need a few minutes to make a pot."

Janet turned on her coffee maker and got out cream and sugar as Caitlyn started walking around the living room. She was almost impressed (but hardly surprised) at how neat her mother's home was. Everything was meticulously kept, and Caitlyn could tell each item had its own place, not moving unless it was necessary. She thought she was relatively organized herself, but Janet clearly took it up another level.

"You want to sit down?" Janet's voice interrupted Caitlyn's exploring. "Anywhere you want is fine."

"Sure."

Caitlyn took a seat on the couch and grabbed a pillow to hold in her lap, and Janet handed her the coffee.

"Thanks." Caitlyn took the mug and put it on a drink coaster.

As they'd done many times before, they both sat silently for a few moments, with Janet on the opposite end of the couch to avoid getting too close just yet. Both of them were afraid to be the first one to say anything in case the wrong words started a disagreement. Caitlyn finally decided she'd speak up.

"Thank you for doing this," she said. "This isn't an easy thing, but when you called me back, I was relieved you had gotten the letter and wanted to talk."

"I wouldn't have missed out," Janet had gotten up again briefly to grab some tissues. "I figured we'd need these." Caitlyn nodded in agreement, but continued to give her mother an expectant look, which Janet recognized as the one she might give Caitlyn herself.

"You want to know how I felt when I received it and read it, don't you?" she asked. "Whenever you're ready, I am."

"Go ahead."

Janet took a breath and started speaking, fighting off a lump in her throat as she turned to Caitlyn.

"Well, to be honest, when I first read it, I was overwhelmed. I looked at it so many times and I wanted to cry...and I did. I prayed too, but I had a feeling God was telling me to handle this selflessly. So I just kept reading it and tried to hang on to your every word. First of all, you're right. I wasn't the best mother when I came out of rehab. I didn't know how to find my way in the world that expected the same things of me as it did before I left. That said, I realized I should have done more. I should have tried to work less. I could have done more back and forth to Naperville to spend extra time with you. I had coworkers who had challenging custody schedules and made it work. Why didn't I? The way you described it...as me reading parenting books and doing what the book told me...well, it sounds pretty reasonable to me."

"As I continued to read, it caught my eye how gracefully you're handling this. You're justifiably angry and sad. And yet here you are, still encouraging me to stay sober and hoping for my well-being. That meant a lot too. I know I don't deserve this second chance. I know I've already caused enough destruction in your life and upended everything for you, for Drew, for your father. I understand why you still feel hurt. But I don't want to just hang on by a thread anymore either. I'm glad you reached out. So, thank you."

Caitlyn absorbed her mom's response and decided to ask questions.

"One thing I didn't include in that letter that I should have…" She looked away briefly. "It wasn't just about how things went once you were home and getting into recovery and adjusting to life. It was the other things too, Mom. You know, your behavior when you were drinking."

"I'm sure you've had years to think about this, and I'm hoping to God you have. I mean, I remember when I was 11 and I used to look for you after you might get home from work or before bed, and you were just...not there at all because you were out drinking. Or you were at home, but you were drinking and refusing to come out of the spare bedroom. I remember your fights with Dad when you came home after drinking and your depressive state. I could hear your sobs. I could hear the throwing up in the middle of the night. I remember coming to breakfast or dinner and you'd come to the table, almost as if you sort of knew Drew and I were there and thought you could see us. But you couldn't do that because you were dead tired and you were just staring as I talked but you were barely communicating. I feel like now all you were thinking about was your fix. You didn't care about me and Drew."

"All that stuff? That's what I'm struggling to move past. That's what hurt me. Having an absent mother. I didn't know when you were first starting to have a problem that it was called alcoholism. I just knew I had a sick mother. I thought you'd die or I'd never see you again and I constantly hope even now that you don't relapse and I don't experience this all over again. I mean, when I came to the ER to see you, I was making myself sick with panic because I just thought this was it, you know?"

"You can't ignore this part. The more time went on, the more I felt upset and confused by your actions. I remember when I was about 15 or 16...you were sober by that time...but I was still wondering why you did this when you had kids at home, or when you had such a good career. You were willing to throw that all away. I didn't understand even then when I was going to Alateen."

Janet had been listening and making eye contact the whole time. She nodded her acknowledgment and started to think of how to answer Caitlyn's questions.

"This was also something I struggled with. I knew that there would be no answers I could give you that even felt close to adequate. I can sit here and say it was the disease, but I'm not going to say that. It doesn't change the fact that I behaved badly."

"Caitlyn, the things I did back then were very selfish. You are right again; my relationship with alcohol had badly deteriorated over time. All I could think about was how to drink and when, and how to hide my problem at work. Nobody or nothing else in the world mattered or seemed to exist. As the disease progressed, my mind and body felt like it needed more and more alcohol. That led to me thinking of more ways to sneak in a drink and how to keep feeding my habit."

"The only thing that helped me discover how I was hurting you was sobriety. I had to go to a lot of group and individual counseling at rehab, and then I started in AA meetings, which of course I still go to today. As I got clean and sat in all these sessions, my head began to clear and it dawned on me how unsafe I made you and your brother feel. I wasn't the mother you deserved or needed. I ignored your needs and made your problems your father's responsibility. I believed when I was drunk that since you guys weren't seeing me actually drink a bottle of wine or some vodka that it was OK. But that's not the truth. Your memories are the truth. You saw and heard way more than I could have ever imagined. And…" Janet caught her breath. "And I'm so saddened you have to live with those memories. There's no excuse for making you suffer like this. I'm so sorry."

"Mom…" Caitlyn took a tissue and dried the tears coming down her face. "That was really raw. I mean, this is the first time I've heard you tell me to my face that you were basically out of control. I'm glad that you didn't try to just get me to accept the answer of 'It was the disease' and then back off it."

"Were you ever afraid of me?" Janet asked.

"Sometimes. I knew you weren't violent. Like you weren't hitting me or making threats. But it was more like...some days I was scared you'd come home not feeling well again. I saw you get worse. I don't remember how every day went, of course, but I do remember some general things. You'd maybe be feeling a little sad or tired, and then you were napping and missing dinner. Then you'd be sleeping in the mornings after not already seeing me all night after you got home. Eventually, that's when you started hiding with what I know now was your drink. It kept escalating from there until you finally were leaving for days at a time to stay somewhere else and do God knows what. Dad told me during college that he was starting to kick you out so Drew and I didn't have to keep seeing it. Where did you go when that happened?"

"Betsy's," Janet replied, referring to one of her three sisters. "Sometimes with a friend or I'd just book a hotel for the night. I also learned that the people who took me in were very tolerant and generous. I could've been homeless and drinking out of a paper bag in the streets. As you know, Betsy never had children, so I know that enabled her to give me time and space others couldn't. She saw what was coming with me, and I still am grateful to her for this day for putting up with my problems and not turning on me. It just took a long time of us having our own disagreements and me coming and going until I got the hint."

"I'd honestly start hiding in my room when you were home," Caitlyn told her. "When you weren't even hugging me or saying hi anymore, I just wondered what the point was. Like, where is my mother? Why won't she see me? I think this is part of the reason why we barely talk today. Except instead of drinking, I just think we're both working anyway; oh we're not that close so whatever. I want things to be different. I want to be better. Honestly the scars from childhood help me decide on this arrangement too. I've never felt fully comfortable around you. I keep hoping I will, but it never works out, so I thought...we're better apart than together."

"I can understand why you'd think that." Caitlyn noticed her mom was crying and taking tissues herself. "You couldn't trust me. You still aren't 100% there. I can tell you all you want that I'm sober, but you get to decide if you're OK with that and believe that I've changed."

"I need to see it. I think it's great that you're staying sober, but I need to actually understand it and see that you care. Hearing you say things like you were selfish and that you agree you weren't much of a mother does help, but I need to see more and that you're really committed to this. How can I possibly know you won't hurt me all over again?"

"It's a tough question, but a fair one, sure. Cait, listen, you know how addiction works. There is never any guarantee, no magical point, where I can tell you I will never relapse or never want to have a drink. It's very normal for alcoholics to still crave a drink once in a while. But I know I have to find ways to cope and not give into temptation. I can't just say, oh I'll just drink in moderation, or, oh I'm under control now; having this one beer won't hurt me. I'm lying to myself if I tell myself those things because it will be all over for me if I believe that. The way I see it, I cannot have a drop of alcohol, and I end the discussion with myself at that point."

"Part of getting and staying sober was understanding I'd have to change my whole way of life. And it hasn't always been easy. Sometimes I feel isolated at a work function or envy my colleagues when I know I can't handle alcohol like they can. I've had to identify my triggers where I might be tempted to drink so I can get to an extra meeting when they pop up. I had to create new healthy habits for myself, which is definitely a challenge for anyone; let alone someone in recovery. Right now, I feel the way I eat or the meditations I do in the morning are a big key to keeping me strong so I don't need the alcohol to do that job. I've formed an informal pact, if you will, with a few other women in my AA group and we've all exchanged numbers so we can find support when we need it and don't have that drink."

"That's what it's like, huh?" Caitlyn asked quietly as Janet nodded. "Sobriety isn't a picnic either then, is it?"

"It's definitely still work." Janet bit her lip. "I had to do a lot of trial and error in the first days of my recovery to find what was and wasn't working for me. Sometimes I find that something I thought helped me doesn't help anymore and I have to make a new plan. I'm on the maintenance part of recovery but that doesn't mean that I'll never need to work on myself again or find new ways of doing things. There's always something to learn or new people I can talk with if I need a fresh perspective. Like us talking right now."

"Can I ask you another question?" Caitlyn was still talking softly.

"Sure."

"Why did it seem almost like you were afraid of me once you had partial custody and Drew and I lived with Dad? I think Drew was too young to sense your nerves, so he never brought it up, but I could tell you weren't quite comfortable with me. Were you worried I'd hurt you or lash out?"

"Not at all. You were a sweet girl, Caitlyn, even despite your emotional struggles. You still are very kind. I can't remember specifically what was in my head, but if I had to guess, it was really just worrying that I could never be a good mother again. You knew I had scared you at a young age. I worried that I couldn't make it up to you and that you were thinking about relapses, wondering if that could happen to me. Plus, when I'd come to see you at activities, like cheer, I didn't want to steal moments where you were happy. I kept a low profile or would leave early so you'd enjoy yourself."

"It doesn't make sense, though." Caitlyn's voice was starting to shake. "Mom, you could have come! Really, you could have, and I do feel like you know that. It would've helped me a lot. It would've said to me my mom still loves me and cares. I didn't think you hated me, per se. I just needed your presence more. I wish you hadn't thought that way." Caitlyn stood up with her coffee and started walking toward a corner of the living room while Janet sat looking at her. "Give me a minute, will you?"

"Take your time."

After a few minutes, Caitlyn sat back on the couch and they each grabbed more tissues. "I'm sorry. I'm not going to leave, though, because I have already been distant from you for half my life. This is difficult but I want this to work out."

"Can I tell you something, Mom? Please don't be mad at me."

"Don't be ridiculous. You have nothing to apologize for, and besides, you're an adult. I'm not going to ground you. Do you want to sit closer?"

After initially hesitating, Caitlyn decided to allow it.

"I haven't trusted you for years; this much we agree on. But that...came at a cost when I was in college, and I've kept this from you until right now. In my sophomore year, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I have a disease too; just like you. I take medication. I go to counseling. And yes, even though I'm not an alcoholic, I remember drinking when I felt bad. I remember going down to a sorority house and thinking it was just a little to take the edge off."

Janet sat on the news and felt hurt as it sank in that her daughter was sick as well. But she understood why she wasn't trusted. She hadn't earned it, first of all, and second, she was thinking of all the times where Caitlyn had accused her of worrying too much about her.

"When did you know?" she finally asked.

"I knew something was wrong around February of that year. It was so fast. I went back for the spring semester feeling OK, but knowing the workload was about to get tougher. I was nervous but again functioning and doing my activities and going to class. In February, I just started shutting down. At first, I was just tired. Then, like your alcoholism progressed, so did my problems. Ellie came to visit me one day and called me on it. She found out I'd even missed dance class and I could still hear her; she said, 'Since when do you ever miss dance'? She knew I always went and ran into one of my classmates who told her I'd been skipping class. When she came over that day, it was 2:00 and I'd been in bed since 9. I had no idea what tests I was supposed to have. I was passing classes, but I didn't even know how I was pulling that off. I wasn't dancing or drawing or even watching movies with my friends. I just wanted to sit in bed all the time."

"I also lost a lot of weight. I think seven pounds in two or three weeks. I'd go eat with Ellie and some other girls, but I'd pick at my food or dump it. I wasn't binging or starving myself, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. Ellie brought me a sandwich and I finally just took it and scarfed it down. My headache was so bad from not eating. She knew I wouldn't get to do clinicals if my grades were slipping. The girls knew what was going on and everyone wanted to help. Ellie even called County and talked to a doctor who said I should come in...I don't remember who she said it was now or I'd tell you. But I very much told her I'm not going there because you'd come down and be hanging all over me."

"I may not have even been able to do that," Janet reminded her. "Confidentiality. If you didn't put my name as someone who could be informed of your condition, I wouldn't have had a right to know you were in the ER unless you were a threat to yourself or someone else. That said, did you seek treatment at another hospital?"

"No. I didn't really want to go anywhere but Ellie knew I needed help. I ended up going to my advisor and got encouragement to get a mental health evaluation and see a doctor for blood work and a physical. Ellie and a few other girls from our program helped me dig out and catch up on my schoolwork so I didn't lose the opportunity to keep going in clinicals. They would accompany me to the school's counseling center and wait for me outside when I had an appointment. We'd eat together even if all I wanted was something small. Ellie came with me to the doctor and then again to the psychiatrist and sat in the waiting room. We were college kids; they could have been doing something more fun than dealing with my problems, but they didn't give up on me. Ellie least of all. She's still my best friend."

"You're very lucky to have friends like that." Janet smiled. "I know I wouldn't have gotten out of my problems if there weren't people at work or friends from med school who believed in me. Betsy was a huge help, but she couldn't have worked alone. And I wouldn't still be in recovery without my AA group and support network."

Caitlyn understood.

"The other truth is, though," she continued. "When I got my diagnosis I was angry with you. Yes, I was told it was normal to have a break in my 20s and that mental illness can run in families. I felt like if not for you this would have never happened to me. But given that you're an alcoholic, you know how it is...even people who look perfect on the outside get torn apart by these things. You could have never seen this coming or stopped it from happening even if you and Dad were still married or even if you never drank. And besides, I didn't tell him right away what was happening either. It wasn't until he called one day and was worried because he hadn't heard from me in a while. I finally confessed what was happening to me and we talked for a long time. He got down to visit me as soon as he could to make sure I was safe and being looked after."

"I still have days where I feel bad sometimes. When I was still in college, I would feel worthless. Or like I was losing control. Some days now I feel like my life will never get better and that I'm spinning my wheels. I was mad at you for being what you are but I'd also wonder...did you ever feel like this? Am I my mother now?"

Janet nodded. "I've felt all of those things. When I realized I needed help I was truly at the bottom of the pit. I had no control. I have felt hopeless. Sometimes today I get sad or lonely or can't live with myself. I don't express emotions like you do—that's one part of recovery I can't seem to master—but I have had the lowest of lows. It doesn't get much lower than having a fractured family and understanding what you did to your body and how I seemed to be a shell of what I was."

"I was a mess," Caitlyn said. "No offense, but I used to think, I'm a mess, just like Mom." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and noticed Janet had extended an arm to console her. At first, Caitlyn thought about declining, but decided she appreciated the offer and rested her head on her mother's shoulder.

"You're not a mess," Janet soothed her as she cried. "First of all, you're my daughter. I won't stand for you saying that about yourself so no more of that nonsense." She winked. Caitlyn kind of smiled, knowing that her mother needed certain personality traits not only to have achieved everything she had in her career, but also stay sober for as long as she had.

"I won't let you call yourself a mess because it's not true. Yes, we have had our problems and we've fought a lot. But you have a huge heart. You have great creative talents. You're beautiful. And despite everything life has thrown at you, you're working as an RN and managing your problems. The nurses I've talked to at work have all said nursing school is no joke either. You achieved something lots of people can't. That takes a strong person."

"And I guess I could stand to take my own advice, but just remember, there are times when it's OK not to be OK. We don't have to be chipper and together all the time. We can have moments of weakness where appropriate. It's OK if you're sitting here still angry at me. It's OK if you still don't trust me or aren't sure that you want to. It's OK to feel sad and worry. No one is a robot."

"You're not so bad." Caitlyn looked up. "I used to think you were a monster. I'm sure you remember when I was younger and we'd fight and I'd call you a bitch. And yeah there are a lot of things in our past that are less than ideal, but the fact that you did what I asked and let me talk and are open to hearing how I feel...that's something. We have a long way to go but I'm happy we're here together."

"Look, if I had a dollar for every time I was called a bitch—or even every time someone thought I was one—I probably wouldn't even have to be working right now." Janet laughed. "To be sure it did hurt me when we'd argue but it was nothing I never heard anyway."

"Can I show you something?" Caitlyn asked.

"You sure can."

She got up and reached into her bag and pulled out a drawing. "When I was trying to find a new counselor, I drew this. It's the road not well-traveled, I call it. It has a few smooth spots that represent where we get along and enjoy each other. As you can see, that doesn't happen a lot. The speed bumps are our arguments or when I miss you. The potholes are the bigger problems. My depression, your alcoholism, the divorce and the lack of time together. I want you to have this and reflect on it because I want to draw this again someday but with a smoother road."

Janet ran her hands over the paper, but she could barely see the art through her tears. "It's beautiful in its own way," she choked out. "You express your hurt in ways I never could. I can barely talk it out when I'm struggling. I agree with you; this is not a pretty road. It makes me feel sad that we've been this way for so long, even if it is my fault."

"So this is what you do when you're feeling bad?"

"Yeah," Caitlyn let out a breath. "It's a good coping mechanism. It keeps me from being angrier at you. It's a stress release too. Sometimes working in pediatrics can feel, I don't know, kind of overwhelming to be dealing with sick kids. Even though I love it. Drawing and painting bring me a lot of joy."

Caitlyn suddenly felt the desire to do something she hadn't done in over a year. She reached out to her mom and hugged her.

"Mom, I don't think I actually hate you," she sobbed. "I just hate the addiction. For a long time now I feel like I've interpreted that as hating you. I hate that our family was split up. I hate that we've never had the time together and the relationship I wanted. I hate what alcoholism did to you and me and everyone around us. Even though a lot of hurtful things went down, there's nothing we can do about them now. I'm sure you want to take it all back more than anything. But all we can do is keep trying to communicate and learn about each other."

"I wish every day I could take your pain away," Janet held Caitlyn tightly. "Believe me. If I could take everything you and Drew went through and make it all my burden, I would. I see what you mean. I'd love to go back and get help sooner or recognize sooner what I was becoming. I'd love to go back and do more for you guys when you were younger. But we can't. I can only try and be a better woman, a better mother. If this is something you want, I will do anything I can to be the mother you deserve."

"I have never stopped loving you, sweetie. I love your brother too even if he never comes back. Now, however you want to handle things is up to you. I hope I can see you again, but if you decide you can't handle it, I'll understand."

"No." Caitlyn stayed in her mom's embrace and shook her head. "I'm not sure I'm at the point of forgiving yet. But at the same time I don't think I could walk out of here and never talk to you again. We're just starting out. I mean, right now we're crying a lot and saying all the things that went unsaid for years, so there's a lot to sort through and a lot of feelings. It sucks but we're doing it. That's what matters."

"We're going to get through this," Janet stroked Caitlyn's hair. "It's going to be hard. We'll probably cry a lot more; you're right. There's going to be a lot of other emotions too and you still have questions and concerns, I'm sure. We won't fix everything tonight, but we've already taken the first step, so we'll keep walking."

Caitlyn closed her eyes as she continued to hold on to her mother and finally felt something positive cross her mind.

"Mom?"

"What is it?"

"I had no idea how much I needed to hug you until right now. I used to never want to but maybe I have needed you all these years. There's so much we can do for each other.
You may not be able to raise me anymore, but we can work on our relationship and have better memories."

"And I need you too, much as I don't like to admit those things."

"We'll talk about that another time," Caitlyn said as more tears filled her eyes. "But I know what you need. The more people that love you and hold you up, the stronger you are in recovery. I want to be one more person who does that for you. God, I just wish I didn't have to leave."

"Me either," Janet agreed. "But if you don't go home, I have to wake you at 4:30. I have to be in at 6 tomorrow because I have a section at 7. Your choice."

Caitlyn giggled as she saw her mom's humor and pulled away to dry her eyes once more. Still, she definitely wished they could keep talking as it came time to part ways.

"Well?" Ellie was eager for answers the next day as she grabbed Caitlyn in a side hug. "You didn't call me, so I assumed she was around."

"Yeah." Caitlyn hugged Ellie back. "Believe it or not, it went better than I thought. She actually talked about her behavior when I was younger and admitted how bad it got. And she cried and...I surprised myself in a way. I let her hug me. When I was getting ready I had decided I didn't want her affection. But then I couldn't help it. I don't know if that's OK or normal but it felt...like we knew we needed it. My therapist was right, though. The happy ending doesn't come right away. It's a long process especially given how strained Mom and I have been for years."

"I always kind of knew your mother still loved you. I just didn't tell you because I knew you weren't ready to hear it." Ellie said. "She would've never tried to get sober if she didn't. Or she would have skipped town altogether on you guys or something. And if she didn't think anything of you, she wouldn't have waited for you last night and had the talk. I know she doesn't show her love perfectly but she tries. And as far as the hugging and stuff, I mean yeah, as long as you were comfortable, I say why not?"

"I know," Caitlyn whispered. "Right now, I am cautiously optimistic, and she knows that. I need some time to process how everything went. My emotions are everywhere. Happy we did this. Going a little crazy knowing the work isn't done yet. Still feeling a little upset about what happened when I was a kid. That said, I have acknowledged that you're right about that. I told her I know she can't change it even if she desperately wants to. She wishes she could; that much she admitted."

"I wonder if it's too late for me to switch my career." Ellie grinned. "What are good jobs for people who are always right? Fortune teller? Medium? Maybe I should just go into psychiatry. I seem to have a knack for picking people's brains."

"Oh shut up!" Caitlyn playfully hit her as they grabbed ice cream cones.

"OK, fine, I'll keep slaving away in the ER for now. So, what else is next for you? Just kind of wait to see when or if you want to see her again?"

Caitlyn looked over. "I'm going to Al-Anon next week. I decided last night when I got home that now that I'm reconnecting with Mom...maybe it's time to sort out my feelings more and do the steps myself. I'm kind of nervous, though. It's going to be my first meeting."

"That's like the last place you should be afraid of going," Ellie said. "There's going to be a whole room of people who understand you and have been in your shoes. You'll have something in common with them as soon as you walk in. Do you think you're going to share?"

"Hard to say. It'll depend on the topic and how comfortable I feel."

"I hope you try. But even if you tell me you didn't share, I'm still going to be proud of you for going. Just be you. You'll know when you find your group."

"You're the best, Elle." Caitlyn gave her friend a hug before they parted ways to head to their respective units and start their shifts.

Janet let Beth into her condo after wrapping up another long day in OB. A C-section, an induction and four other deliveries kept her busy on top of an afternoon at her clinic. But at least her patient schedule there had been more manageable.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Janet asked. "I have some salad in the fridge. Or if you just want a drink I have iced tea or some grapefruit juice. Bottled water too and a little soda."

"Oh, I already ate," Beth replied. "Iced tea sounds good, though." She sat in a chair across from Janet, who took her place on the couch where she had sat next to Caitlyn just a day earlier.

"How do you feel?" Beth asked.

"Well…" Janet looked out a window. "I'm not sure I feel that any burdens have been lifted. It was very emotional for sure. She cried. I cried. We hugged and she put her head down on me and I just did my best. I don't know how she feels at this point. She told me she doesn't forgive me yet but seemed to be open to continuing to talk."

"That's OK, though," Beth reminded her. "Lauren took a lot of time to come back around to me and she took very small steps. Caitlyn may or may not be the same as her. But the most important thing right now is to give Cait her space. Let her think and process and decide how she wants to take this on going forward. Did she say if she'd be in touch?"

"Not specifically. But all I can do is wait I guess." Her voice dropped as her eyes welled up. "Damnit. I know all of this already. This shouldn't upset me."

Beth got up from her chair and sat next to Janet. "You're still human. Look. I'm not your friend because you're perfect and have everything figured out, or even because you have this nice home. You're honest with yourself and you work on your problems. I respect that. It sure beats denying them or deciding you don't care about your daughter. If this didn't bother you I'd be concerned, if that makes sense."

"If you don't feel any lighter at least be proud of yourself for what happened last night. You didn't interrupt Caitlyn once. You showed her you're there for her and that you wanted to understand and hear her feelings. You committed to meeting her and kept your word. That goes a long way towards building her trust. We're alcoholics. What's easy for most people isn't easy for us."

Janet had lost the battle with the tears she was trying to hold in, and she took a tissue and started to wipe them away.

"I know. And I've realized...maybe I do need the help. I'm not sure I'm ready for therapy yet but there is someone who offered to help me last year and I wanted to hear nothing of it. She can help with the spiritual side of it, if you will. I'm going to call her."

"Whatever helps you." Beth rubbed her shoulder. "Take care of yourself right now too. This seems like it's a stressful time for you. So, be nice to yourself. You deserve that much. Do some extra yoga. Take a long shower when you have enough time to just relax. Eat a pint of ice cream and have no regrets. Do what makes you feel good. And even if you need to sit on your bed and cry for a night as a release, that's OK too. Above all else, don't ruminate. Don't keep telling yourself 'I should have said this' or 'Why didn't I tell her that?' We'll never be perfect."

"Things like this never get easier," Janet told her. "Last night was so emotionally daunting. I was debating going to a meeting tonight just to center myself. I wanted to ask you if you'd go but I didn't know if I should bother."

Beth looked at her watch. "Of course you should. There's a meeting at 8 at St. Matthew's Lutheran. I'm happy to help you out and go; I just have to call Dave and let him know where I'll be so he doesn't worry. Maybe the topic will be something you can share on."

Janet knew going to the meeting was a good idea. She occasionally went to extra meetings during the week if she had an emotional day or was feeling particularly lonely, as these were her triggers where she worried she'd start drinking again. So, she couldn't refuse Beth's offer and willingness to rearrange her evening.

"If you could call Dave," she said as she stood up to get herself more iced tea. "That would be great. I'll go to the meeting."

Beth and Janet walked out of the church after the meeting, and Janet was already feeling much better. The topic had been courage, which worked well for her; she said the serenity prayer often. She even ended up sharing about how she invited Caitlyn to her home and answered her letter, which earned her many hugs and congratulations from other members before she left.

"Thank you," she said to Beth.

"It was all you," Beth replied. "You knew what you needed. Besides, you went to an extra meeting with me when I needed one and we'd barely been friends for three months at the time. I just wanted to pay it forward. You helped me; it's my turn to help you."

"I already see a difference in how you feel now versus when I came over earlier. It's going to be OK. Call me, Sharon, or Mary Anne if you need anything else."

Janet got home and started getting ready for bed. She put Julia's card next to her planner so she wouldn't forget to reach out tomorrow and said a prayer for Caitlyn and Drew, just as she did every night.

Right before she turned her lamp off, she realized her journal was still open and she saw the quote she'd inscribed on the inside cover when she'd first started writing in it. It was nothing particularly deep, but it helped her carry on:

One day at a time.

This is how she and Caitlyn needed to find their way. She closed her eyes and hoped she could dream of the day where it could all work out.