Caitlyn tried to get a handle on her nerves as she walked into the community center and found the room where the Al-Anon meeting was being held. She knew through therapy and talking with Ellie that she would not be alone here, but she was worried anyway. She wondered if her mom had ever felt this nervous going to AA or if her dad had been worried about his first time at Al-Anon. All she had to reference was her experiences in Alateen, where sometimes she didn't want to go at all.

She participated in saying the serenity prayer and reading the 12 steps, then turned her attention to the topic: anger. Caitlyn decided to hold back as the discussion started and learn why her fellow members were there. A husband and wife talked about their daughter. A man talked about his partner, who he said had just finished his first week of rehab. There was also a woman whose husband had died from his addiction, leaving her in charge of three young children.

She was almost caught off-guard when the circle got to her. She'd already been crying at this point, and she noticed someone had left a box of tissues next to her chair.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready," she said, and heard supportive murmurs of "that's OK" and "don't worry."

"Can I just introduce myself?" She turned to the group leader, Jeff, who nodded in agreement.

"Thanks." She gave a small wave to the group. "Hi everyone. I'm Caitlyn and my qualifier is my mother. This is my first time here and I don't really want to talk about things yet but I'm willing to listen to you all and learn what this is all about."

Jeff thanked her, and then turned to the next person in the circle. She was both surprised and relieved that it was that easy. No shaming. No questioning.

After the meeting had ended, she grabbed some water to take with her on the train ride back to Mercy. As she headed to the door, a woman a few years older than her approached, along with the man she remembered speaking about his partner.

"Hi," the woman smiled at Caitlyn. "First meeting, huh? We've all been new once. I'm Shannon. This is Rob. Remind me your name?"

"Caitlyn."

"Hi Caitlyn." They each extended their hands.

"Listen, we just want to tell you we understand," Shannon put an arm on her shoulder. "We've each been coming here for a while and sometimes we don't want to share either. You're never obligated. But whatever you're feeling we can tell you that we relate somehow. I hope your mother is doing OK."

"She's 13 years sober," Caitlyn said.

"That's impressive. What a blessing." Rob chimed in as Shannon nodded. "But I'm sure that had to be a challenge for you when you were growing up. I'm sorry you had to face that."

"She started recovery when I was 12," Caitlyn explained. "But we've struggled in our relationship for years. We've fought a lot and there has been a lot of bitterness and misunderstanding on both ends. We're just starting to reconnect and talk things out. I feel like I need to recover in my own way to really move forward. My counselor suggested I come here to help me work through my feelings and meet others who would understand."

"Never too late." Shannon handed her a card. "Hey, Caitlyn, no pressure here, but I love helping new members and if you're open to it, I'd be happy to meet with you and talk more about our group and maybe even sponsorship if you have time. I'd be open to working the steps with you and sharing how they help me. Rob is great too if you just need a friend."

"Aw, shucks." Rob laughed and handed over his card as well. "I'm an attorney so sometimes I can be in court a lot, but you can always email me. Or you can call my cell and I'll see if I have space in my calendar for you. If it's a member in need, I always try to make the time."

"Thank you both," Caitlyn smiled back. "It was nice meeting you. I'm not trying to be rude but I'm a nurse and I have to get back to my shift. But I'll be in touch."

"Oh, we won't keep you anymore then," Shannon replied. "We hope to see you again."

Caitlyn pulled out her phone as she walked and selected her dad's number.

"Hey honey," Tom said as he picked up. "How are you?"

"I'm OK, Dad. Do you have time to talk?"

"I always have time for you, Cait," he replied. "I'm just catching up on some editing after a small job I took. I shot a courthouse wedding with a really fun couple. Great change of pace from what I usually do. What's going on?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I went to my first Al-Anon meeting."

"What did you think?"

"Umm, I wasn't ready to share yet—"

"Well that's OK."

"I know. I read the steps and got a copy of them to take home. A woman who seemed like she's a little older than me offered to meet me to talk more about the program and sponsorship, so I'm going to meet her when I have time and see if there's a match. I didn't think anyone would do that for me on my first night."

"Well, if you think about it, someone offered to sponsor your mother the first time she went to AA and was ready to get sober. The experienced members of these groups are always eager to help. You're going to find so much support, and I can't suggest a sponsor enough. I initially didn't have one and then I ended up asking another member if he wanted to work with me. It helped me with the steps in ways I couldn't have done on my own."

"Just know that I am proud of you," he added. "I've wanted you to go to Al-Anon for a while but I didn't want to sound like I was forcing you."

"It was time," Caitlyn acknowledged. "Mom and I got together last week. There's so much to do and say yet, but we're starting. I thought this would help me understand her better. Plus I need to heal."

"As long as you want this. Follow through with this possible sponsor. Don't be afraid to try more meetings and talk to other women if it doesn't pan out. And on a lighter note, when are you coming back? I want to fire up the grill and have some hot dogs and burgers."

Caitlyn laughed. "Soon, I hope! Your grilling is always so good."

"OK, well I'll make you a deal," Tom quipped. "Once you talk to this person, call me again so we can set up that cookout and you can let me know what you think of everything. Does that sound good?"

"It sure does. I have to get back to work but I'll call you when I do that."

"No problem, dear. Take care of yourself and give me a call anytime."

Caitlyn indeed called Shannon when she switched shifts with a coworker to have a rare Saturday off. It was short notice, but Shannon explained that she was a high school teacher and was free on the weekends anyway, so it was no problem for her to clear some time for lunch.

"So," Shannon said as she and Caitlyn sat down after getting sandwiches. "Today I just thought we'd get to know each other. This is low pressure. You don't have to tell me anything that you're not comfortable sharing or agree to a sponsorship or anything. I just thought we'd talk more about what brought us to have this group in common and I could explain the purpose of our program a bit."

"Sounds good." Caitlyn smiled.

"Now you said your qualifier is your mother, right?"

"Yes. And yours? I forgot to ask."

Shannon sighed. "I have two. Sad, I know. My brother Mike is my first one. He died about five years ago. He just could never get clean. He tried but the lessons from AA and rehab never stuck and he couldn't get back on his feet. He ended up overdosing on alcohol and pills. My second one is my boyfriend Brad. He was sober when I met him last year but he relapsed and now he's been clean almost five months."

"I've struggled a lot and hit very low points at times, so that's why I want to help new members so much. I don't want anyone to experience the turmoil I have, and I want to show there's hope for peace in a stressful situation. I remember my parents asked me what I was thinking when I entered a relationship with an alcoholic after all we dealt with when Mike was alive. They didn't ask me that until after he relapsed, but it led to a lot of heartache. They couldn't understand why I put myself through that again and thought I should be doing better."

"Do you mind sharing if you ever thought about leaving your boyfriend? Or is that too personal?"

"Oh no, it's fine. People ask me that a lot. I actually did leave Brad for a few weeks before Christmas. I was convinced he didn't care about his relapse and I tried to help him and get him to go to a meeting or call his sponsor, but he didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to ruin my holiday, so I took off to stay with my sister. He called me a few weeks later to tell me he was going to try to not drink and that he wanted to get into rehab after Christmas. I was still hesitant until I saw the forms he got with his admission date. He said he loved me too much to keep denying he had a problem, plus his plan had the support of his parents. So I told him when he comes back, we will have a fresh start, but he needs to be serious about his recovery. So far, so good, but I've defined what I will and won't put up with from him, and if he crosses my boundaries, I'm done."

Caitlyn struggled to understand what Shannon meant, so she simply asked, "Do you ever think he's just a good person who made bad choices? Or that your brother was that way? I mean, you said he was sober when you met him, so he had to have shown you something."

"In a sense, yes. He had a job when I met him. He was such a good boyfriend too. He wasn't Christian like I was, but he was at least willing to ask me about my church activities and my friends there. He wasn't really interested in college, but I dealt with that because lots of people aren't, you know? Alcoholics are still people who can have interesting lives and other good qualities. It's just that this disease can be so relentless."

"My therapist and I talked about this," Caitlyn told her. "My dad has that viewpoint about my mom now that they've been divorced for so long and he can think without so much pain and anger. She's a doctor, so she's clearly not evil; like I was mind-blown when I looked up her name online and saw so many positive reviews from her patients. And yet she almost let drinking destroy her. I never understood why. I think that's what caused me to be so mad at her. She could've lost everything because of her choices. Even now, she does and thinks things that I just don't get."

"Believe me, I agree," Shannon looked up. "Brad used to want to be a chef. Have you ever heard what the restaurant lifestyle is like? Lots of odd hours. It's not uncommon for coworkers to drink or do drugs together from the stress and because they work so late that there's not much else to do at 3 am on a Saturday. So he comes back from rehab and where does he get a job? A coffee shop. I thought he was crazy. Turns out the owner is in recovery himself and wants to give people like him a chance. That's part why he opened the place. They occasionally have events in the evenings as well. I checked out a worship night and I could see Brad was in a good place. They don't serve alcohol; his work hours are much better-I mean, instead of coming home in the middle of the night, he's home to eat dinner-as long as he doesn't have to work an event, and he loves the positive atmosphere and that his boss understands where he's been in life."

"It helped me realize that the best thing I could do was support him. After all, it sure beats him sitting at home doing nothing. He told me he doesn't want to be a chef anymore so he's exploring other options while he works at the coffee shop. He still has bad days but it's getting easier. Is there something you don't understand about your mom that you want to tell me about?"

"It sounds silly after all you've told me," Caitlyn couldn't help but laugh a little. "But she won't even consider getting remarried. I've asked her about it offhand before and she got aggravated so I haven't brought it up again. I thought by asking her if she was dating that I was just being nice and I wondered why she was so willing to refuse companionship. But she didn't want to hear it. She apologized to me later for getting angry, but she said that being single helps her stay sober. I was just like, what? Wouldn't you want support from a partner too? That's just one more person who can help you."

"She told me, though, that part of the reason she turned to alcohol so much was because her marriage to my dad was in trouble. She loved me and my brother and still does, but she had a family and a demanding job. She was a standout at work-she runs her department now-and balancing kids with that got to be a lot for her, and drinking became her coping mechanism when she was having a tough time. You know what happened after that, I'm sure. You've seen it twice over. She said she's afraid that if she gets married again and that marriage starts to suffer that she'll relapse. Plus after living alone for so long, she's structured her life in a way that helps her sobriety and keeps her in control. She doesn't want to let a partner into that."

"Well," Shannon folded her hands. "That's a good starting point for you to consider what really matters in your relationship with her. I tell other members that it's OK to have boundaries and deal-breakers with your qualifier. Part of this program is deciding how to interact with the alcoholic in our lives while not neglecting our own needs. Maybe, for example, you decide to never lend your mother money if she asks because you know she's terrible with money and will never pay you back, even if it's five dollars. That's fair. But if she doesn't want to get remarried, that doesn't hurt you. Try to respect that choice and not make her change her mind just because you think she should date. It's not worth your energy. If she does change her mind and wants to seek out a partner, you can support her then."

"Sounds like this is a good introduction to the steps and sponsoring and stuff," Caitlyn said. "I've read the steps a bit and I'm not working them yet, but when I did my reading yesterday, I realized hey, I've made mistakes too with Mom. I'm putting all the blame on her when the steps are there for me too and I need to apply them."

Shannon nodded in agreement. "The steps aren't there so we're perfect people. They're a blueprint for our own healing. I joined Al-Anon when Mike was still alive and struggling, and even after six years, I still make mistakes with Brad and my surviving family. You and your mom will slip up as you rebuild, and that's perfectly normal. But I try to refer to them as I help Brad stay sober while making sure I can still enjoy my life. Now, I'm happy to temporarily sponsor you while you're still learning if you don't want a long-term sponsorship right now, or I can just continue to be a friend. Is there anything in the steps you want to ask me about in general? We don't have to jump into them today."

"Well, sadly, I think I have the first one pretty down pat." Caitlyn shook her head. "I've felt unstable for years since my mother wasn't my primary parent; my dad had primary custody when they split. He did a great job, but I needed my mother when I was young, and we were separated so much. I got diagnosed with depression, seen a ton of counselors, all that. One day my best friend finally said to me that I may not be drinking, but the alcohol does control my life because I'm still so upset about the past and it's almost derailed my own life. I mean, at one point in nursing school, my advisor said if I don't get my grades up, I wouldn't be able to do clinicals. That's how bad my depression was. Plus, my mom and I are just starting to discuss things now. We've both ignored it for years, and I've kind of just had a false idea that it would all feel better one day, and it hasn't."

"I'm so sorry," Shannon replied. "But I'm sure you've heard that this is a family disease. It affects everyone around the alcoholic. I know my parents fought a lot and almost split up themselves. I fell away from Christianity for a while because I started to wonder if God was even real or there was any hope. For me personally, going back to church was a big step in helping me get back on track and deal with my frustrations. I didn't start going again until two years after Mike died. That's how much it got me."

"Oh, religion," Caitlyn sighed. "Always a fun topic."

"For sure. I should probably take it down a notch. I'm sorry if I offended you."

"No, not at all."

Shannon smiled. "OK, good to know. I don't want you to think I'm telling you to see God a certain way. There are atheists in AA and Al-Anon and probably every other 12-step program out there. I'm sure you read the saying God as you see him. I'm never going to tell you what religion you should be or what church to attend or anything. It's just about turning your life over to whatever higher power you need to ask to help you."

"But the most important thing I can tell you right now while you think about how you like talking to me and our group is this saying we use in our group: 'Take what you like and leave the rest.' Are you familiar with that quote?"

Caitlyn tried to see if she could remember. "I don't know. Oh, sorry that sounds dumb."

Shannon laughed. "It's fine. We've talked a lot today. Listen, a sponsor is not here to tell you how to live your life or what kind of relationship you're allowed to have with your mother, or anything like that. We're a guide. Sponsors are happy to show you how the steps have worked for them and share their experiences, as well as give you a non-judgmental ear. We're not all-knowing, either. If you're talking to me about a problem and it's over my head, I would absolutely recommend you talk to your counselor or a medical professional. So would any good sponsor. So, basically, I like to compare that quote to a buffet. If you want to try something, you put it on your plate and give it a try. If you think oh that looks unappealing, leave it on the buffet. Same applies here. I may suggest you try a certain approach, but if you decide, oh X doesn't quite work for my mother's personality but Y does, you try Method Y."

They finished their food and got up to leave.

"Well, Caitlyn, I better get back home. Brad will be home from work soon. You can call me anytime. Let me know what you think. It was really great meeting you."

"Thanks," Caitlyn smiled. "You too. I'm sure I'll see you again soon."

Despite the fact that she had a free weekend day to do something fun, all Caitlyn felt like doing after lunch was going home. It had been a lot of information for one day and she felt like she needed to regroup, but after the conversation, she had her mom in the forefront of her mind.

Caitlyn took her phone out after going into her room and found her mother's number, and then she selected it to make a call. It was only two rings before she heard the brisk yet comforting voice on the phone.

"Caitlyn?"

"Hi Mom," Caitlyn said while twirling a strand of hair on her finger. "Is this a good time? Or are you working this weekend? I can call you back."

"Oh, I just came in to catch up on some reports," Janet answered as Caitlyn heard a click that sounded like an office door closing. "What's going on, honey?"

"Well, I just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you right now. I have had a week and a half to think about our conversation. Those couple hours were great. but I want to keep going. I didn't want to leave you that first night. I want to see you again. Can I come back over? But I want more time this time."

"How so?"

"I just want to have more freedom to talk longer and really spend time with you. When we don't have to be at work again so quickly. I know, I know, that seems impossible with us, but can we make it work? I'll go over my schedule with you and we can find time."

Janet was quiet for a minute, and Caitlyn heard more clicking that now resembled typing on a computer.

"I'm looking at my schedule now," she replied. "Not this next weekend, but two weeks from now I am off. Do you have your schedule yet?"

"I don't get full weekends off a lot," Caitlyn answered. "But I'm pretty sure that Sunday I don't have to go in until third shift, so we have the whole day pretty much until I have to catch some sleep."

"OK. Well, you let me know for sure when you look. If we have any luck, it'll be nice that day and maybe we can go for a walk while we chat. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, and Caitlyn?"

"What?"

"Thank you for letting me know you were thinking of me. It's exactly what I needed right now. I look forward to seeing you again."'

Caitlyn smiled, never expecting she'd be able to cheer Janet up in such a manner. For a second, she thought about asking her what was wrong, but decided against it. She wasn't sure if she was ready for the answer, so she said a brief silent prayer instead.

"I'll talk to you soon, Mom."

"OK. Bye honey."

She put the phone down and decided to grab her sketchbook and start drawing to clear her head. Hopefully, her mom was OK.