The date Caitlyn and Janet had discussed indeed worked out, and two weeks had passed already. They hadn't spoken since confirming their plans, which was difficult for Janet, but she kept reminding herself it was normal.
Janet had just gotten home from church and was looking in her refrigerator deciding what to eat for lunch before settling on some chicken salad. But she decided to wait until Caitlyn arrived in case she wanted to eat as well.
To distract herself, she poured a glass of iced tea and sat down with a book, and before she knew it, she heard a knock at the door. She got up to answer, and Caitlyn was there, looking more relaxed than she had on her first visit.
"Hi, Mom," she said as she walked in. "Good to see you again. Have you had enough time to get settled back in?"
"Oh yeah. I've been here for about an hour. Did you eat lunch yet? I have chicken salad in the refrigerator if you'd like some. Homemade."
"Oh, that sounds really good! I slacked on my grocery shopping yesterday. I had a rough night at work on Friday and haven't felt like doing much, so I've been eating leftovers and getting takeout."
"Sorry to hear that," Janet got the bowl out. "Is everything OK?"
"Yeah. This one little girl keeps wandering the halls and always wants me to sit with her. I know she's scared but after the third time I had to take her back to her room I had no energy left. I understand why she clings to me, but it can be hard. Kids don't understand all the work the nurses have to do."
"You get close to them sometimes." Janet handed her a plate with a sandwich and some fruit. "I sympathize. Anything to drink?"
"Do you have any more grapefruit juice?"
"Sure do."
Once Janet was settled at the table, she rested her hands on a box.
"The last time you were here," she started. "You told me you needed to see my sobriety. I wasn't sure how to handle that. We don't live or work together. Even if we patch things up you won't see me every day. So I thought, what can I do to show you that I'm committed to this? I got this box out and I decided we would start here. I keep it to myself for the most part. But you're my daughter; you deserve to see this. Your brother will someday as well if he decides to reconnect. So whenever you're ready…"
"I can handle it."
Janet pushed the box across the table to Caitlyn, and she opened it and looked inside, trying to take in the contents.
"These are your chips," she said, recognizing them right away. "Can I hold them, or at least look at them?"
Janet nodded and Caitlyn started to pick up each one as her mother talked.
"All these chips represent hard work and accountability. They help me remember that staying sober long-term is possible even when I'm having a bad day. They remind me that I can inspire others. I've become a bit more reserved about my sober birthday as the years have gone by but I always try to reflect when I earn a chip and think about everything I faced and survived the past year to earn them."
"I can't believe you've kept them for all these years." Caitlyn was looking at a one-year chip, almost as if to reflect on what her mom may have been like when first getting sober. "But it makes sense."
She pulled out two papers with County letterhead on them and Janet started to explain.
"Normally I don't keep paperwork for longer than necessary, but this is different. The first letter you're looking at is all the terms of supervision and sobriety I had to meet when coming back to work after rehab. The second was about three months later when I had fulfilled the terms and had full privileges again. It reminds me to be humble and not take my life's work for granted, and also that while I'll always be an alcoholic, that stage of my life is over."
Caitlyn looked up from the letters. "Was going back to work hard?"
"Absolutely. I was a bit shell-shocked when seeing all the requirements, but I knew a slip meant going back to square one. So I spent a lot of those first weeks back making amends to my coworkers. I showed up early. I left late. I took on extra work where I was allowed. I was exhausted a lot, especially because this all came on top of the fact that your father and I had decided to divorce. Looking back on it, I felt the deck was stacked against me and I was at risk for a relapse, but I wasn't going to let that happen. I was determined to get through the meeting requirements, the extra supervision and random drug and BAL testing, and check-ins. If I weren't serious, the consequences would've gotten steeper, all the way up to losing my license if I kept getting into trouble."
"Plus…" She turned away for a minute. "I was at work when I realized I needed help."
Caitlyn was surprised at this confession but decided not to ignore it.
"I always wanted to know how you knew, or how it started. Like what happened, Mom? Why did you do this? Get in so deep?"
"Well, as you know, your father and I were having problems and I was struggling to balance family and work, which isn't unheard of for a doctor, but I had a harder time with it than I thought I would. I had also enjoyed my alcohol long before that point. I liked to drink with friends during medical school, but I never imagined I'd end up an alcoholic. Your father and I drank for leisure at times when you guys were little, and I'm sure he never predicted this either, so I can't fault him."
"I always believed I could handle drinking, and I did….until real world pressures increased. I was doing great at work and getting noticed for my management potential, but I also had a family. The thing is, something can't always give. OB is a very demanding specialty. I still do all-hours on call from time to time. I have my practice. It can be very stressful to be responsible for two lives at once. So, I remember times when I'd lose a baby, or God forbid a mother, and I'd cry into a drink to deal with it. If your father and I had a fight about my work schedule or how often I was drinking, I'd pick up another one. I had no coping skills after a while except to get alcohol."
"So you used to drink normally, but you were actually enjoying it more than was healthy? Or did it just make you feel better and you kept turning to it?"
"Probably a little bit of both," Janet sighed. "I remember at first, drinking just seemed fun to me. I'd look forward to finishing an exam in school or when I was done breastfeeding you guys so I could drink again, but at first, I didn't think anything was wrong with that. Down the road, I would have a bad day at work and go to a bar and have a couple of drinks, and I felt calmer. Once I recognized that alcohol helped me relax, I couldn't stop going back to it. I almost seemed happier at first and not as stressed out, but the high didn't last. Your father tried to stop me once he realized something was wrong with how frequently I turned to drinking, but he eventually learned that there was no stopping or forcing someone with an addiction. I had to be the one to understand."
"Now I know why my counselor says you suffered," Caitlyn looked down, her voice quiet. "I couldn't imagine what that's like. Needing a substance all the time. When I was depressed, I could drink maybe one drink occasionally and feel OK afterwards. You were desperate for it. That has to be painful."
"Believe me, a lot of days I didn't like it. I may have been drinking to relax, but I still felt like crap on the inside. I knew I was failing our family. I'd sober up the next day and ask myself what I was thinking, but I kept repeating the pattern. I wasn't as focused at work and snapped at coworkers more frequently. I never went to work impaired but I had a secret stash and would grab a few sips to take the edge off during a shift. It's sad to talk about now, but I have to be honest about how I used to behave. It was the only way out."
"So you said you were at work when you knew you needed help?"
"Yep," Janet dried her eyes. "This is always hard for me. So...one day I tripped down the steps. Nothing major; much like you might stumble over your own two feet. I felt a little off, so I headed to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. Caitlyn, my God. What I saw...I thought someone else was standing behind me. I had circles under my eyes. My hair was a mess. I didn't even look like myself. I left the restroom immediately and went to the chief of staff's office, begging his secretary for the first meeting I could get. I told her it was an emergency. Everything came out in that meeting. I think he was as stunned as I was. The arrangements for me to get to rehab and detox and saying goodbye to you guys, it was all a blur, but maybe it's better that I don't remember it."
Caitlyn knew this time her mother needed her. She went behind Janet and hugged her as they both cried.
"I'm just glad you got help," Caitlyn said. "It helps me know you had that moment where you were at rock bottom. That you're not just sitting here telling me you're fine now and hoping I'll believe you. You've had your moments. You had to earn the way back. That shows me you care about changing."
'And what about Dad? You've mentioned the problems you guys had and being kicked out and everything. I was always curious...do you think there was any hope for the marriage?"
"Honestly," Janet shook her head. "I believe we both wanted it to work after I came out of rehab, but there was too much damage done. I remember being in my room at the clinic and wondering if we'd be better off apart. It had nothing to do with the love I had for you and Drew. It just seemed like making a fresh start and letting your father have primary custody and I have visitations was the best thing so I could be focused on recovery and putting my life back together. That said, I remember us talking after I'd been maybe five years sober, and we agreed that we would've eventually divorced regardless of the drinking. Our career aspirations seemed fine on paper, me as the doctor and him as the entrepreneur type. It didn't work in practice, though. There just wasn't enough time to devote to the marriage and neither of us wanted the other to give up their career because we wouldn't have been happy; me especially."
"The thing about your dad that's so great, though, is that he gave me more grace as a parent than I could ever give myself. I remember asking if it would be best for me to be out of your guys' lives. He wouldn't have it. He said once I had my life in order and his temporary full custody period ended, he wanted me to see you guys. He believed if I signed my parental rights away it would be way worse someday to have two kids at my door wondering why I didn't want to be in their lives."
"Wow," Caitlyn took a breath. "I never knew you considered doing that. It's hard to hear, but...thank you for not giving up on us or yourself. I still feel like we didn't have enough time together, but it sure beats the alternative. I think I'd feel angrier if I were asking you why you fell out of my life."
She moved the box off to the side. "Do you still want to go for that walk? I think we could both use it."
"Sure. Let me just get my wallet. Maybe we'll run into some ice cream or something. It's my treat, so leave your purse here. I'll lock up."
"Can I talk to you about something I noticed the last time I was here?" Caitlyn asked.
"Whatever you want."
"Two of the things you said to me really stuck out. First thing was when you told me you don't deserve a second chance with me. The other thing was when you said you can't live with yourself sometimes. I mean, they both made me feel bad but the second part just made me worry about you. Are you OK?"
"Well first of all, don't feel bad because of things I did," Janet replied. "I suppose the first statement is because I've always known how much you were hurt and never wanted to come around. I didn't think things would ever get to this point." She gave Caitlyn a sad smile and started to think back on a conversation with Abby.
"So, who decides how many chances you deserve?" Janet asked Abby as she sat in her apartment.
"I don't know; maybe he does," Abby shrugged, referring to Luka.
Janet was confused but listened patiently as Abby told her how Luka visited her in rehab. She was flattered but frustrated that he seemed unsure of what the immediate future would hold.
When Abby finished her story, she drew a breath and looked at Janet.
"Don't you know how it is, Janet?"
"That depends. What do you mean?"
"With your daughter. Don't you ever wonder if she decides what you deserve? Doesn't it bother you?"
Janet gave it some thought before talking again.
"Caitlyn decided a long time ago what she wants, Abby. She's 24 years old. She doesn't want me around on a regular basis; that's her decision and I've just come to accept it. I don't necessarily think of it as what I do and don't deserve. I think of Caitlyn daily and miss her, but I can't force her to love or accept me."
"Do you ever think you deserve better after being sober? Aren't you ever frustrated with her? Luka just confused me, you know?"
Janet nodded. "I understand what you mean. But ultimately, we've affected our families with our behavior too. They're going to deal with it in their own way. I can't tell you for sure what Luka will decide, but as far as your questions to me, I feel if I said I deserve her, it would be selfish of me. It wouldn't be respecting her feelings. All I can do is accept my responsibility in driving her away, and if she ever decides to reconnect with me, I'll be there and do the best I can to be open to her."
"Mom?"
Janet looked over at Caitlyn, realizing that they were still walking.
"Sorry. What is it?"
Caitlyn seemed exasperated. "Can you try to pay attention? You did good a couple weeks ago, but that's why I ask if you're OK now. Your mind just wandered. I was trying to tell you I don't think you should think those things about yourself. It could hold us back. I'm here because I want to be...need to be. Not because I hate you."
"I always just kind of figured I caused this with us," Janet replied. "And to an extent, I did. I never did everything I could to make up for lost time. I'm the one who drank and never really was your mother. You are not responsible here. You decided what you wanted and that didn't include me."
"But that was then," Caitlyn took her arm. "This is now. You've worked hard to turn your life around and be successful. For as much as my childhood was hard, I reached out to you because I knew you had that track record of sobriety and I can't imagine my life without you anymore. I just want us to get along and be OK. I can't be a teenager again so we may as well figure out how to make the present better."
They stopped and sat down on a bench nearby, and Caitlyn kept her arm in Janet's.
"Keep being honest with me. What was wrong a couple weeks ago when I called you and you said you were glad I thought of you?"
"Are you sure you want to know?"
"Of course I'm sure. How are we ever going to get along if we hide things from each other or lie?"
Janet exhaled. "In the days since I last saw you, I'd been grieving quite a bit over your childhood and what I took from you and Drew, and everything I lost. When you called, I'd been struggling with my cravings for the first time in a while. Now, I've been doing what I have to: working the program, calling the friends I trust, and going to extra meetings. If you had not called me, I probably would've given in and had a drink because I was feeling so low. Honest to God, you saved me. I put down the phone and I realized you were worth more than a stop at the liquor store."
Caitlyn put her head down, and Janet could tell she was blinking back tears.
"I...stopped you from drinking?"
"You did. I finished up what I was working on and left to find a meeting, then I spent time with a friend afterwards to discuss things and stay accountable."
"Wow," Caitlyn wiped her eyes. "I didn't think I had that kind of power."
"We surprise ourselves sometimes, don't we?"
Janet turned back to her. "This is part of the disease, Caitlyn. I have had times in the last 13 years where I can go months and not care about alcohol. But sometimes, in the right combination of tough circumstances, things like this happen. Please don't think this is your fault. It's just the way alcoholics are wired. I want to be thoroughly open with you so you know that just because I abstain from drinking doesn't mean life is a smooth ride for me."
"No, I know."
"But as far as the past and your grief," Caitlyn said. "I've been fixated on the past too for a long time and felt sad and angry about everything. I don't think I'll ever forget it, but I just went to therapy again this week, and my therapist and I talked about grief. It was almost as if she knew what you were thinking. She explained the acceptance stage to me, and I realized I've never even gotten to that phase, but she said it's still an important part of grief and if we don't embrace that stage, our losses keep us from enjoying everything life still has to offer."
"Want to know what else I've been doing?"
Janet nodded.
"I started Al-Anon. I'm looking for a sponsor, just like you had that help. I'm going to go through the steps and work on myself. That's how much I want this to work. I need to talk to people who I may have hurt in the past by pushing them away and realize where I'm flawed. I need peace and healing as much as you so I can live a good life."
Janet smiled and put an arm around Caitlyn. "I'm very proud of you. I always tell new women in my group to tell their families about Al-Anon. It may take you some time to find your home group and a good sponsor, but you'll get there."
"I do think it's time we start communicating our expectations with each other," Caitlyn said. "It's clear that you're serious about sorting this out just as much as I am, but we can't read each other's minds."
She stood up from the bench. "I see an ice cream store down the street. Dessert has the power to break the ice. Shall we?"
"OK," Janet laughed. "Let's go. It's still on me."
Once they settled in with their cups of ice cream, both choosing a variety of chocolate, Caitlyn started talking.
"I've been thinking about how to let you know my expectations, and I do know what I want, but I'm also kind of stuck. I don't feel like I could come to you and make a list of demands; we have to discuss the best way to make this work and it has to be mutual. But the first hard expectation I have is that I want you to come to counseling with me...and don't groan because I know you're about to." Caitlyn couldn't help but smile.
"No, I know. I've never loved the idea of individual therapy."
"But this wouldn't be that. Well, maybe for part of the session you'd talk to the therapist on your own while I went to the waiting room or we'd have separate appointments outside of our joint ones, but I'm going to do the majority of it with you and we'll work together outside of sessions. My counselor offered to see us together. She really understands the issues families face in active addiction and recovery. I'll make the appointment and we'll share the costs, but I do want you to show up and talk openly. She won't bite. I promise."
"If that's what you want," Janet replied without hesitation. "It'll be new for me, but I can do it for you and get over myself. Set it up and keep me posted on the time so I can rearrange my schedule if I have to, and I'll be there."
"Thank you."
"What's one thing you want from me?" Caitlyn asked.
"Well, that's easy for me. It's not something I so much want from you, but of everyone in my life, if that's OK to share. Ever since I decided to get sober, I knew I wanted to surround myself with the most supportive people possible. I've always maintained that I'd rather be alone than know a bunch of people who don't care to understand the ups and downs of alcoholism and recovery, you know? Like I'd look popular, but I'd actually feel very lonely. If you're at any point uncomfortable with the reality of what I go through and don't think you can have a relationship with me, I'd rather you turn around and leave again than not be on my side. If that's blunt...well, I don't bullshit when I talk about this stuff. I don't take my sobriety lightly."
"That seems fair to me," Caitlyn agreed. "I have depression, remember? I'm sure you know how many people think I could fix myself by just thinking positive or trying to be happy. Sometimes friends have drifted from me when they realize I can't just think happy thoughts and be cured."
"I see it a lot at work. Trust me, I know."
"Your desire is valid," Caitlyn added. "I'll support your recovery. But if you slip or relapse and you don't want help, or I can tell you're drinking again, I'm not going to call you or visit unless you realize you're in trouble and tell me you're getting help. I'll do the same thing if I can tell you aren't taking the counseling seriously."
"Why do you hate therapy anyway? Can I ask? I've seen so many counselors at this point and I'm a huge advocate of counseling after all it's done for me, plus my boss is super supportive of us taking care of our mental health."
Janet shifted in her chair. "It's too out in the open for me. In AA, I can be anonymous and one in a group, and as you're seeing now in Al-Anon, we're never under any obligation to share. I tried therapy about five or six years back and made it about two sessions. Here I am, sitting in this fancy office and I'm expected to spend an hour telling someone how I feel. I don't do vulnerability very well. I mean, I've cried and felt distressed in recent weeks, but it feels scary to me."
"Yeah, I could tell, and I just didn't want to say anything." Caitlyn told her. "On one hand, I'm thinking, Mom is crying and showing remorse and shame for what she did, and I'm glad she recognizes her mistakes. On the other hand, I'm thinking Mom isn't very comfortable with me, and I wish she were. We all have feelings. It's OK to share them. Why keep them in?"
"I have a hard time with trust," Janet shrugged. "And you're right, I struggle to feel comfortable with others in some settings, especially work. I don't want people to know about my recovery until I've known them for a while and trust them. I want to be seen as no different than everybody else, and fair or not, some people believe I shouldn't be a practicing doctor, or that I don't have coping skills, or that I might steal or use and abuse people. I've found much more support once I talk about myself after establishing a relationship. And yes, I do have family I could call and friends from church, but it's hard to open up and I much prefer to blend in. I would rather reflect on my own sometimes even though I know there's no shame in reaching out."
"Well, the right counselor will understand those issues and help you be comfortable with sharing with me, or with your friends. They're paid to deal with this stuff, and you shouldn't feel bad for going. It's not a weakness."
Janet put her hands on her chin. "Have you been hanging out with my friends? I got this exact same speech a few weeks ago."
"Well, doesn't that tell you something then?" Caitlyn grinned. "Consider it a sign."
As they started to walk back to the condo again, Janet noticed Caitlyn was walking a little closer to her and slowing her pace, almost as if they both knew it was time to get on the same page with each other.
"Those little moments are something I really want too," Caitlyn said. "I mean, at the end of the day, we're not going to build a relationship if I keep demanding you to talk about when you were drunk. I just want to spend time together in nice ways, you know? I want us to be able to go for ice cream or whatever we want to do and have fun doing it. God knows there's no shortage of ways to have sober fun."
"But in the meantime, I think it's time we start looking ahead and doing better. That's why I want us to have counseling together. I think you've shown me enough that you care about what happened in the past and took the time to reflect on it. Of course, we're never going to be perfect and that's not the point of this because I'm not perfect either. But if we keep working our programs and stay open to learning new ways of working together, we'll be fine."
"I agree," Janet said. "As far as the past, I believe it has its place. It's how we grow, and I'm sure in counseling we won't be able to avoid it. That said, even I have to be reminded every so often not to ruminate or worry about what's already done and over with. I said my piece and it's up to the person I tried to build bridges with to decide what they'll do with that information."
"I'll be honest with you now. I'm still sorting out things," Caitlyn said. "I still need space in between our meetings. I'm not ready for closeness just yet but I am ready to start rebuilding. I'll call my therapist's office tomorrow and I'll keep going to my meetings like you're going to yours. But thank you for seeing me twice so far and letting me in your space. I'm sure it's been hard for you too, to have me back after so many years."
"It's been a challenge, but I'm so grateful you're here. I really am. "
When Caitlyn left later that afternoon, she hugged Janet. For the first time in a long time, they really believed there was a chance to have a good relationship with each other.