Ways I can build trust with Caitlyn:
-Keep my word. Show up on time to spend time with her.
-Call her or text her to reschedule when I can't.
-Listen to her without interrupting or judging.
-Show her what a sober lifestyle looks like and how I live it every day.
Janet was reviewing the start of her list when Caitlyn walked into the coffee shop. It was just two days after they had had another counseling appointment, and already her commitment to building trust was being put to the test. This wasn't homework, though; this was actually Caitlyn's ask. Regardless, Janet was nervous and felt like this was an unofficial assignment for which Caitlyn was evaluating her.
"Hi, Mom," Caitlyn sighed. "Thanks for doing this. I know you're on call this weekend."
"Well luckily, I've spent most of the day sitting in the hospital waiting for something to happen. I actually got a nap in for a change. So, talk to me. What's going on?"
Caitlyn buried her head in her hands. "Ellie and I had a fight."
"You and Ellie? I thought you told me that she's your best friend."
"She is. But she feels like I've been blowing her off lately, even though there's more to it than that. One of my coworkers is on maternity leave and another just resigned, so I've volunteered for some overtime and I'm taking on an extra patient load. We haven't been able to spend as much time together when we're on the same shift. Then when I'm not at work, I've been reviewing my Al-Anon literature and meeting with my sponsor to do the steps, plus I have my meeting every week. You and I have our counseling sessions too. There just isn't as much time right now. It's not that I don't want to see her; it's just that my priorities are different, and I feel she doesn't understand that."
"And then…" She trailed off. "This is complicated, but…"
"But?" Janet raised her eyebrows.
"Ellie's bisexual. She's known that since college and has told me that she is, and it's never bothered me. We were talking yesterday in one of the few times I had to catch up with her, and she asked if she could tell me something. I said yeah of course, and she told me she has feelings for me. I was just...shocked. I never even thought about having a relationship with a woman. I was really flustered. Ellie has been like my rock with all I've gone through; she makes me feel secure and loved. I just never thought of her as a girlfriend. She could sense my shock and confusion, and she was really hurt and walked away. Not long after that, she texted me and said I should just leave her alone for a while because she feels she doesn't matter to me anymore." Caitlyn sipped her iced coffee and wiped her eyes.
"I hope that isn't TMI for you, by the way."
"Well, I am your mother. This is what I signed up for, even if you're 25 years old. And second, I'm certainly no prude. Consider what I see and hear all day on the job." That helped break some of the tension, and Caitlyn giggled a little.
Janet reached over for her hand. "Honey, I'm really sorry. Do you want advice, or did you just want to get it all out?"
"Both. I mean, I called you because as much as I love Dad, I don't think he'd be great at dealing with women's friendship issues. Besides, it's summer. He has a wedding today anyway, and I don't know his girlfriend well enough yet to ask her this."
"OK." Janet nodded. "So, as you've established, you and Ellie are pretty close. What's your friendship been like outside of your problems?"
"Yeah. I mean we work in the same hospital, and although she works in the ER, we still tried to get together for breaks when we could. We sometimes get something to eat before work if we're on the same shift. I call her a lot. We're like glue. She's been there for me through everything. I like to think I've been there for her too. We dress up for Halloween and have been to parties. We celebrate Christmas and birthdays; our thing is to exchange food. I asked her if I could go to her grandfather's funeral when he died during our junior year. I've never intended to ignore her and can't think of a time when I have."
"Is Ellie going through something right now that she needs your help with and you brushed her off?"
"Not that I know of."
"Have you asked?"
"No, but…."
"Caitlyn, it's a question, not a monologue. Don't make excuses. Just tell me the truth."
Caitlyn squirmed a little. "No. I haven't asked."
"Well, then you need to start there. Make sure you haven't overlooked any problems or crises she's dealing with. If you haven't, then the job is done, and you try to be a better friend. If you have, you need to right that wrong and give her the attention you'd expect her to give to you. And after that you still need to be a better friend. I know our programs can often feel all-encompassing, but we have to fit them in with the rest of our lives too. When I came back from rehab, I couldn't just not go back to work or ignore the relationships I had to rebuild. If you want to maintain friendships, you have to be aware of other people too."
"That being said...I understand your stress. When we're trying to make a life change, whether it's recovery and sobriety, or even something like marriage or having a baby, friendships tend to ebb and flow. We may stop talking to people for a time, or we may decide it's time to move on from that friendship."
"But I don't want to move on from Ellie." Caitlyn said.
"Hold on. I'm not saying you should. Sometimes, though, our friends don't understand our life changes. When I was beginning my recovery, I lost some of my drinking friends who weren't ready to get sober. Over time, I've also grown apart from people who didn't understand I couldn't see alcohol the same way as they could. We weren't necessarily mad at each other; we just lived different lifestyles and weren't compatible anymore. People get confused when they can't drink alcohol in my home because they think 'Janet should be able to handle it'."
"Did people ever come back to you? Like they drifted and now you're friends again? Or did you lose them forever?"
"Some friends I did lose for good, yes. But other times, I've strengthened those friendships, even when it's someone I've hurt and I had to make amends. I thought I'd never see some medical school classmates again, but as years have gone by and I've met up with them at conferences or seen them around Chicago, they can see how far I've come, and we've been able to reconnect. You just never know how it's going to go, unfortunately."
"It sounds like this is a true friendship, you and Ellie. And if you really want my opinion, she will come back. Maybe she just needs space for a while. This seems like it's too good of a bond to just throw away over some misunderstandings. I know you said Ellie has supported you as you've worked through your pain from my disease, but I've found that unless someone is an alcoholic themselves or has dealt with it in their own family, they have a hard time understanding us no matter how supportive they may be. They don't understand working the steps or going to an AA or Al-Anon meeting, or the commitment needed to live a sober life. That doesn't make them bad people. It's just a complicated topic and it can be uncomfortable to talk about."
"There's that whole girlfriend thing too," Caitlyn shook her head. "How do you think I should get past that one?"
Janet laughed as she sat back. "That's tricky. I always tell people I'm never the best person to ask about romance considering my track record. I'll just leave you with this: Ellie can't help who she has feelings for, and when you meet your special someone—regardless of gender—you'll know too. It doesn't seem like she'd ever want to hurt you, but it's OK if she feels disappointed for a while, and I'm not even saying that's your fault. It's just how she's processing the rejection."
"Now, are you absolutely sure that you don't want to be Ellie's girlfriend? Or are you telling me you never thought of it that way because you're considering if this is the relationship you want?"
"I don't know," Caitlyn rubbed her chin. "I mean, we just go so well together, but at the same time…" She lowered her voice after looking around the coffee shop. "I don't know if I could really be with her in...the way she wants. I'm not sure if it's me."
"Well, listen. No matter who you want to date, love is love. I will support you and respect your decisions. Your father and I won't abandon you or disown you. There is nothing wrong at all with asking yourself these questions, and I know you'll do the right thing."
Caitlyn turned away and broke off a piece of her brownie while she searched for something else to say.
"Mom?"
"What's up?"
"You really lost friends because you're sober?"
"It's true," Janet replied. "I mean, think about how much of a role alcohol plays in our society. If you're a wedding guest, for example, drinking at the reception seems to be encouraged and celebrated. People go to restaurants to unwind and have a drink with dinner. When they see their families, they joke about drinking to deal with their in-laws. I can't be a part of that world. I'll never again see drinking as funny or something to do to relax. I don't fault those who can handle it and don't have an addiction, and I don't lecture. But as I just said, it's that lifestyle change. I can't view a drink the way a lot of people can, and even when you're an adult, the pressure to fit in with a lot of things never seems to go away."
"Part of my recovery was about learning how to manage being in the presence of alcohol because I'll never get away from it entirely. I've had friends and coworkers worry about me coming to their house because they'll think I get upset if I see they have alcohol in the kitchen. Or they'll be hesitant to invite me to a social outing at a restaurant. I always tell them it's fine and as long as there are dry options, that's all I care about. But I do have one hard rule: I do not want anyone drinking in my condo. That means no BYOB, unless it's a bottle of something non-alcoholic, of course." She gave Caitlyn a small smile.
"And yes, some people do get uppity about that or try to challenge it. Well, what's the big deal; can't you just tolerate it? In public or in someone else's house, yes, I do manage it. But think about it: would you have something or someone in your apartment that made you feel unsafe? That's what alcohol in the condo is to me. I choose my friends very carefully these days because of all the work I've put in to stay sober. Which is hard in a way. You'd think most adults would understand it's a bad idea to have wine or mixed drinks in the home of a recovering alcoholic, but people are funny and don't always have common sense."
"I'm sorry people suck so much." Caitlyn said. "Look, I won't drink around you if it makes you feel supported. Not that I drink that much anyway. I don't have the best relationship with alcohol myself. It's like your problems messed up my own thinking and drove me away from drinking. I only have some wine every once in a while."
"Listen, Cait...if you buy a bottle of wine or something and keep it in your apartment, I don't care." Janet shrugged. "I can handle seeing it just fine. I just don't want you bringing it when you come to the condo. My sobriety is so precious to me; I'll do what it takes to safeguard it. If that means losing a friend who won't visit me at home for a couple of hours because they're upset they can't have alcohol, then I'm OK with paying that price."
Caitlyn appeared to be thinking about her mother's honest but insightful words.
"Is socializing in general hard for you? Like, besides the lost friendships part of it? I mean, what do you do at work events and things like that?"
"Good question," Janet replied, realizing another item on her list:
Answer all of her questions about my recovery.
"So, events can be tricky. I certainly can't go the rest of my life declining invitations, and I wouldn't want to because it would make me feel worse. The first thing I do is always make sure dry options will be there, which is pretty easy. I've never been anywhere that doesn't serve soda or water, or similar, in addition to alcohol. I just mind my own business and don't draw attention to myself, and if someone asks me why I'm not drinking, I just tell them I don't like alcohol. If they keep pressuring, then I'll explicitly say I'm in recovery, and that gets people to back off after that. Finally, if I really need to, I make an escape plan. If others around me are getting really tipsy or I'm being badgered too much about my choices, I'll excuse myself and go home. At that point, it's too uncomfortable. Parties that take place at the hospital are easiest because we're on shift and no one is allowed to drink when they're working. So at least there I get a reprieve from all the pressure."
"Do you ever just not go anywhere that has alcohol?" Caitlyn asked. "Like are there certain activities you'll turn down?"
"Well, anything at bars and breweries can be a bit much to handle, and I'm not into activities like sports or a lot of concerts where there is more of a drinking culture. I try to enjoy my friends' company in a sober situation, such as a social event with friends from church or I'll go out to eat for breakfast or lunch where there's less focus on alcohol. So, needless to say, I don't have much of a social life with my coworkers because they tend to flock to Ike's, and it's just a trap for me. I've also had to decline invitations I've originally accepted if I'm having a bad day. It's too dangerous for me to attend an event if I'm already feeling depressed or tired for some reason. There's a risk that I'll say, this one beer is OK. It's not. There will be other events and other days where I'm feeling better and able to be with my friends."
"So traveling for work or fun is the same thing as socializing locally?"
"Well, needless to say, after a long day at a conference, most doctors want to head to the bar." Janet laughed. "We've been cooped up all day, we're tired and ready to relax. Conferences are actually one place where I don't mind immediately saying I'm in recovery if someone asks if I want a beer, because I'm with other doctors. They understand. The other key is that once I know where the conference will be held, I look up AA meetings in that city and make sure I go to at least one when I'm in town. I've done the same thing when traveling for leisure or visiting your Aunt Caroline in Florida. She's even supported me by emailing me a list of all the meetings near her so I'm prepared."
Caitlyn smiled.
"I feel like I understand you now. Well, maybe not entirely. But I'm getting there. You've sacrificed and changed a lot so you can stay sober. You've learned what works for you, even if other people don't understand you. You've been willing to cut out friends and be selective with new ones. You don't even want to get married again if that's what it takes. I always hear that you can't love someone else unless you love yourself, and while you seem to have a lot of confidence, you know you don't have the room for a partner. I respect that. I know you got upset last time I asked you to discuss it and I don't know if I'll ever fully grasp it, but it sounds like you have a good life plan."
"I have to say, I'm really glad I came here to talk to you. You've been a huge help to me. And you taught me a lot about yourself in the process. I didn't intend to ask you all of this when I arrived, but I'm grateful it went that way."
"Was I honest enough with you?" Janet asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, you were. I mean, I didn't like that you nagged me to answer that question about Ellie, but maybe I do need to make sure she's OK."
"Caitlyn, it's not a maybe. It's what you have to do if you're going to make this right. I don't pull any punches. I'm not trying to nag you or make you feel bad. I just would hate to see you lose such a good friendship. Also, I know you can't tell me much about this, but have you spoken to your sponsor about Ellie? She might have insight."
"I'm having dinner with her tonight. I'm planning to ask her then."
"Good. And you like your sponsor? Everything's going OK?"
"Yeah. I finally clicked with a group at my fourth meeting, and I asked her to sponsor me not long after that. She didn't hesitate to say yes. Being in Al-Anon has really been positive for me so far. It helps me knowing we're both doing a program and going to counseling together, and now you've been there for me when I'm struggling with something."
"So I passed the test?"
"It was not a test!" Caitlyn started laughing. "Well, OK, I did want to see how you'd do. But I wouldn't have called you if I didn't think you were making the progress necessary for me to ask you for advice. You've earned this. You're trying to talk in counseling, even if you're not the best at opening up. You've listened to me cry and talk two other times already without jumping down my throat. I hope I can keep trusting you."
As they walked outside, Janet put her arm around Caitlyn.
"I know there's still some time yet," she said with a smile. "But I understand your birthday is coming soon. How would you feel about me taking you out or doing something else together? Whatever you like to do. Just don't count on me to skydive or do anything really crazy. If that's what you want to do, I'll just wait on the ground. But I'll do anything else."
Caitlyn looked surprised but happy. "You really want to do that?"
"Sure I do. We've both been riding a rollercoaster and dealing with a lot. You deserve to be celebrated. I don't want to keep missing time with you. Let's give ourselves a night off from therapy speak and the crying and have some fun. This is what you said you wanted, isn't it?"
Caitlyn leaned into Janet for a hug.
"Yeah. It is."