Chapter 71

Drifting

John wanted to be alone with Cameron just to spend time with her like a 'real couple'. He wanted to be like 'normal' people. He knew they were anything but 'normal' but the idea would be nice. He wanted it to be a man and a 'woman' alone together where they could enjoy the company of each other. He was afraid they could not do that. The life they lived seemed to be an impediment to it.

What was the life they lived? Where did it start and where did it end? Was their life really dictated by Skynet? He really wondered what kind of a life they would ever have. It did not look promising.

Cameron was able to operate at a level far above him and she never needed to sleep. John knew he was not Cameron's equal in any way. In fact, there were times he wondered what Cameron even saw in him. How could he be worthy of her? He wondered if she really loved him or only 'loved' him because he was - Future John. He would be one day if he survived. What if he never became the man she wanted him to be?

That was a scary thought to John. If he never measure up to Future John would Cameron still want him? Whenever he asked about Future John, Cameron would never say much of anything. All Cameron would admit to was that she'd loved Future John. She would never talk about anything else or anything personal. She told him she'd only ever kissed and touched John Connor. He knew he was Future John, so did that mean his future self too? He wanted to be jealous but how is one supposed to be jealous of 'themselves'? Future John did send Cameron to him which was actually back to 'himself'.

John was sure there was more to the story. He wondered if he would ever find out the truth. The more he thought about it the more he wondered if he really wanted to know. Cameron did make it clear that Future John experienced a lot of problems. Did Future John send Cameron back to prevent him from having or developing those same problems?

There was something that is mother said once that bothered him. She was angry and asked John if he ever wondered why Future John sent Cameron away. Was it because she was a 'problem' in the future? Did she try to take over? He saw the influence she commanded over others both human and Metal alike. It was a personal loyalty.

Maybe it was the 'Metal haters'. Maybe Future John needed to send Cameron away to protect her from them. They followed her to the past anyway. Maybe he sent Cameron away to protect himself from her. Maybe she'd gone 'bad' before and she may not know. She told him much of her life from the future was erased. What did Future John take away from her? Why did he do that? How do you erase someone's life? Why would you take away their most precious memories and experiences? Those are the 'memories' people needed to fall back on when things get rough. If there is nothing there, then the mind feeds on itself. That can never help anything.

John knew that even though they left instructions not to be shadowed that it would most likely be disregarded. He wondered who would pop up and when. He knew they would be worried about him and want to better protect him and Cameron.

It still seemed that everyone else put a greater value on his life than he did. What could they all see that he could not? No really, what was it?

John never wanted to see people die for him. That was something Derek indicated that happened in the future. It did not leave him with a good feeling.

It was what 'happened' in his room the night Cameron came back that still ate away at John. He figured it must really be eating away at Cameron. It was time to own up to everything. Since nothing actually happened it should be no big deal in reality. How do you get upset at something that never happened? To 'think' something was not the same as to do it. If anyone thought it was, that was their hang up, not his.

"Cameron, I want to say again how sorry I am that I thought you were Allison, even if I thought of you while I thought you were Allison."

Cameron knew how much effort she went through to line all that up with the girls. She was actually surprised that none of them acted earlier.

"John, it is what I wanted." Cameron said. "IT is what I want. I am the one who orchestrated it in the first place. I set everything in motion because I didn't think I was going to come back. I was gone for many months longer than I intended. It was understandable everyone thought I was terminated. None of the things I planed with John Henry worked. I would have made the same determination based on the facts. As it was, I returned one night too early."

Cameron was still upset with herself for preventing John and Allison from mating and to have a child. It would have been the child she could never provide John with. She knew how important that was to Future John. She 'fixed' that problem for HIM. She gave him back Future Allison.

John wanted what almost happened to go away. Nothing actually did happen.

"You're back now. I really want to forget the whole episode." John said. "Can we just drop it?"

The specter of Jesse and Riley raised her concern about the anti-Metal faction of the Resistance. They were a threat in the future and apparently in the past as well. They represented an ongoing threat to the present.

"Yes, but I still feel I need to allow you to fulfill your 'destiny'. It is the destiny of MY future and YOUR future, John. I still want you to be with the girls. It is possible that it may prevent you from being assassinated in the future or me being terminated if you are with human females. You must do this for your survival." Cameron said. "It is really quite simple."

Cameron thought she could share with Allison and Vanna as well as John. They all loved each other. What was the big deal?

John was still 'hung up' about what he did, well, almost did.

"Cameron I don't want to talk about this anymore. I already feel bad enough as it is. I am sorry that I thought you were Allison. I felt even worse thinking it was Allison and thinking it was YOU that I was touching in my mind."

John knew he was doing a disservice to both of them by doing that. That aspect of it bothered him too.

Cameron did not like John to dwell on this. Now it made her think more about it. She sat in silence for awhile as she contemplated everything. There was an issue that was in her mind. The words blurted out of her mouth.

"Did you think 'it' would be 'different'?" Cameron asked.

'Here it comes.' John thought.

"Yes." John said honestly. "I did think it would be different."

That was not really what Cameron wanted to hear.

"Did you think it would better or worse?" Cameron asked worried.

John really did not know what to expect.

"I didn't know. I just thought something would be different." John said honestly.

John was waiting for Cameron to ask him about Riley. They WERE different. Luckily Cameron did not go there, at least not yet.

Cameron wanted John to be happy and have a choice. She wanted to know too. She really wondered how synthetic sheath material stacked up to soft human flesh, especially where it turned to 'pink'. She knew the pigmentation varied in depth on human females. Her observations of Vanna and Allison were that they different in every detail.

"You can still 'compare' if you want to. I will allow you to choose. I want you to choose as long as it is Allison or Vanna or both of them. I want it to be both of them. I will allow it. I insist." Cameron said. "I want to know how I compare to Allison. You will tell me what is the 'same' and what is 'different'. I want to know."

John could only see this conversation getting worse. Nothing would change and only more hard feelings would be created.

"Cameron, I don't want to talk about THIS." John said.

Now that the idea of comparison was in Cameron's mind, she did not want to let it go. She wanted to know where she stood.

"Did you wonder if Vanna would be different than Allison? Just because they are both REAL doesn't mean they are the same. Maybe they are better than me, maybe they are not. I want to know. I want you to tell me."

John could tell this conversation was going nowhere fast.

"STOP this." John said.

Cameron was afraid she would not measure up to a human female in bed. Their responses were more emotionally driven.

"John I want to watch you with Allison to see how I am suppose to 'act' and respond. I want to learn to make love to you better." Cameron said. "I want to know what I need to do different to better please you."

John wanted to hold his hands over his ears.

"STOP this." John said. "STOP IT. Please."

Cameron wished she would have stayed to see what Future Allison and Future John did. She thought about going back to check. It was only the FEAR of going into standby again that kept her from doing that. She never wanted to experience those nightmares again.

Cameron was confused. She was angry and happy all at the same time. John thought that he'd been with another woman while thinking it was HER. She was happy that he hadn't been, even though he thought he was and it was her in his mind.

There was another troubling issue. What was that Liquid thing anyway? What happened there? John thought something happened but said it didn't actually happen. What did it do to him? The more she thought of it, the more she thought it did what he WANTED. At least it took her form, not Riley's. That was some consolation.

What about that new Metal 'Bitch Whore'? What was her story? Cameron saw her as a threat. The same threat as Riley was. It took all Cameron could do, to not hunt Riley down and terminate her in the future. She thought about it. She wanted to do it. She was saving one girl's life while thinking of taking another's life…. What kind of a person does that? She remembered she was a Terminator, not a person. A person was real. She was not.

Where was Riley at from the other future they went to? Cameron would not put it past Mrs. Weaver to find her and send her back. She wondered if she would do it for nothing else other than to frustrate her. She didn't think Mrs. Weaver knew of her but she would put nothing past her.

Speaking of Mrs. Weaver, John told Cameron about the one encounter with a 'nude Allison' in his bed. It turned out later that 'nude Allison' was not Allison. Cameron asked Allison about it after John told her. She detected no deception on Allison's part that it was NOT Allison. Cameron KNEW it was Mrs. Weaver. Mrs. Weaver tried to get her John. Cameron hated all Liquids even more now than before.

John could see Cameron was lost in her mind somewhere. That was never good.

"...Cameron, CAMERON, Earth to CAMERON..." John said.

Cameron looked around, John was talking to her. She'd drifted off. She wondered if this was what it was like to 'get away from it all'.

"Yes?" Cameron asked.

John asked Cameron again once he got her attention.

"I asked you where you wanted to go next." John said.

Cameron did not care. She wanted to spend time with John.

"Wherever you go, John, I will follow." Cameron said.

"Promise?" John asked.

Cameron smiled at John.

"Promise." Cameron said.

John thought he wanted to run as fast as he could with Cameron until he could not move anymore - and never look back.

Drifting

Life is full of surprises
People come and people go
Who they actually are
We may never really know

We are spun in all directions
We don't know where to turn
Who will help us move forward
Who will leave us with a burn

The tide of life is endless
Will we be pulled under and drown
Or left to wonder in bewilderment
At what was just experienced go down

We may have it all before us
As we think we hit the jackpot
The joke is really on us
As others view us as a crackpot

Like sand through the hourglass
Through it all we keep sifting
Even with the one we want
We can find ourselves drifting

Nobody