A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait. I'm still nowhere near finished with the next chapter, so I thought I'd give y'all this update. I won't be surprised if the next update comes after I graduate in May, so sorry about that too. But enjoy! I've also been writing a TON of prompts over on my Tumblr, so you can come by and read some of those in my 'fics' tag on my blog!

He didn't know what he did. He was completely at a loss for words, which was a rarity for him-anybody who knew him would say that. As he sat on the edge of his bed in the still night, Killian thought about Emma's abrupt departure. He didn't know what happened; just out of the blue, she was gone.

Crying.

Bloody hell, he wanted to help her. He wanted to see her. But she had said things that made it impossible for him to chase after her. Killian knew he couldn't chase after her (even though that was all he wanted to do). He knew he needed to give her time to sit and think.

All Killian could do was wait and think and remember how she looked walking out the door.

Bloody hell, Killian thought as he plopped back onto his mattress and stared at the ceiling.

He wanted to know what triggered Emma. All he knew was that he was sleeping, having a nightmare about losing Milah all over again, and then he was jarred awake by Emma's departure. He shook his head, trying to forget the pain the nightmare had caused-the way it had reminded him of how the phone rang in the middle of the night, when she was supposed to be driving to meet him on the stormy night.

How it was all his fault that she had been in that accident.

And how Killian had been terrified that Liam had left the same way.

Killian took deep breaths to calm his pounding heart, overwhelmed by the events of the day and the sudden disappearance of Emma. She had said things that worried him-scared him-and he didn't know what to do. He was utterly alone at the moment-Liam at the hospital, Jenny probably asleep or caring for Amelia, Graham probably off fucking some unknown woman…

Killian sighed. He just didn't know what to do.

All he knew was that he didn't want to lose Emma, not when he had just found her. But he knew that he had to give her time.

I can't do this.

Killian groaned and ran his hands over his face. This was going to be a long night.

"What are you brooding over?" Liam mumbled out, his mouth full of the hospital pudding.

Killian sighed because for fuck's sake, he just sat down. Jenny laughed at Killian's exasperated face and even Amelia let out a loud coo at Killian's dismay. He was glad to see that at least some people found joy in his pain.

"Nice to see you too," Killian grumbled in response.

Liam rolled his eyes and slid his now-empty pudding container back onto the little table in front of him. "Passive, aren't we?"

"I'm not brooding."

Both Jenny and Liam shot him a look that called him out on his bull shit. Killian sighed again and shrugged out of his jacket (which had been notably left at his apartment by his fleeing soul mate). "Emma left during the night. She isn't answering my texts or calls and I know she isn't at work."

"What did you do?" Liam groaned out, leaning his head against the back of his pillow in a frustrated move.

"Nothing!" Killian exclaimed in response and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know what happened. One minute, we were sleeping and the next minute, she was marching out of my apartment, crying. I don't know what happened."

"Well, why didn't you go after her, you daft dimbo?" Liam asked, raising an eyebrow at his little brother.

Killian huffed and muttered out, "She said that she couldn't do this."

There was a deafening silence that followed. Killian looked down at his lap when he could no longer bear the feeling of his brother's and sister-in-law's eyes staring at him.

"Just like that?" Jenny asked.

Killian nodded without looking up. "Just like that."

"You said you both were sleeping before it happened?" Liam asked and Killian looked up to see his brother looking at him curiously.

Killian nodded again. "Yeah, why?"

"And let me guess: you had a dream about Milah last night," Liam stated, as if it was a fact.

And it was.

"So?" Killian questioned.

Liam sighed and rolled his eyes. "Killian, what do I always make fun of when it comes to you?"

"Everything," Killian and Jenny said at the same time.

"Bloody hell, Killian, you talk in your sleep," Liam reminded him and oh fucking hell.

Killian growled and slammed his head against the back of his chair. God, he was such a fucking idiot. "She heard me say 'Milah' in my sleep."

"And how is that going to look to your soul mate when you're muttering your dead girlfriend's name in your sleep?" Liam asked, raising an eyebrow as he folded his hands together.

"She doesn't know," Killian muttered as he continued to stare at the ceiling and Liam and Jenny's eyebrows raised in unison.

"You haven't told her about Milah?" Jenny questioned, furrowing her eyebrows at Killian.

Killian sighed and ran his hand over his face, lifting his head from the back of the chair. "We've steered away from conversations about our pasts. Milah hasn't come up."

Liam let out a loud exhale and collapsed his head against his pillow. "Well, then this is a whole lot worse."

"How has Milah not come up?" Jenny asked, clearly flabbergasted as she held a very awake Amelia. "You mourned her for, what, three whole years before Emma came along? Did you just suddenly forget how broken you were when she died? When Emma popped into your life, were you just like 'oh, here's the real thing. I can get over Milah now?'"

"Of course bloody not!" Killian cried out, frustrated at the whole situation. Jenny may be callous, but she brought up an excellent point. "Like I said before, we've avoided the subject of our past. She clearly doesn't want to delve into hers, just as much as I don't want to delve into mine because I do not want to face that pain again. So excuse me for wanting some peace before I pour my entire bloody heart out to her."

Killian sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I don't want her to see that part of me. I don't want her to see that I'm a broken man. I don't want her to leave me after seeing that because she deserves better than that. She always will."

"Well, now you're in a much worse situation because you didn't tell her," Jenny scolded him, cradling Amelia and slowly standing from the chair to walk around the room to rock Amelia. "You have to see her."

Killian sighed. "Jenny, she said that she couldn't do this. I don't want to scare her by making her face it."

"Well, you're gonna have to make her face it," Jenny responded, her face turning as red as her hair.

Liam sighed and held a hand up to his wife, looking over at her as she stood by the window, which overlooked the Bronx. "Alright, Jenny. Just let me talk to him alone for a sec."

Oh hell.

Jenny let out a loud exhale as she carried Amelia out into the hall, probably continuing to pace out there. Liam looked over at Killian, from where he had been staring at Jenny on the opposite side of the bed. Killian was not ready for this lecture from Liam (and he knew it would be one).

"How are you feeling?" Liam asked in a soft voice and Killian had to step back mentally, unprepared for this route.

"What do you mean?" Killian responded and Liam raised an eyebrow, staring at his little brother because come on. Killian sighed and ran his hand through his hair-which was probably messier than usual. "I'm fine. Other than Emma taking off, I'm just peachy."

Liam rolled his eyes and huffed. "Killian, I was just in a car accident, which is the very same way Milah died. You aren't fine."

Killian clenched his jaw because he did not want to discuss this. Period. "I'm fine."

"Killian, you dreamed about her last night. You are not fine," Liam pushed. "I remember your nightmares right after she died and if it's anything like those, you are probably as far from fine as you can be. Especially with Emma hearing you say her name when she had no idea who Milah was, and then leaving right afterwards, saying that she couldn't do this anymore. Come on, little brother. Talk."

"What am I supposed to say?" Killian asked, exasperated because God he did not want to be having this conversation.

"Was the nightmare the same?"

Killian sighed and absentmindedly scratched his arm. "Yes. Screaming, blood everywhere, Milah shouting for me. It's like I was in the bloody car with her."

Liam heaved a deep sigh. "Killian, you need to tell Emma. You cannot live with this on your own. You shouldn't live with this on your own."

"It's my problem, Liam. I'll live with it however I want to."

"God dammit, Killian!" Liam shouted out, his heart rate monitor going haywire for a moment before Liam calmed himself, taking a few deep breaths. "Little brother, you cannot keep blaming yourself. It was not your fault."

"You weren't the one who called her that night, begging her to come over," Killian growled out, hating whenever conversations turned this way. "You weren't the one who convinced her, even though it was storming outside and one in the morning. You weren't the one who waited an hour for her, when it was only a fifteen minute drive at most. I was. I killed her, Liam."

"No, the drunken idiot that ran that light and hit her car killed her," Liam said bluntly and Killian flinched back. But Liam continued, "And from what I know, he's still in prison, serving his time for precisely that crime. I remember Milah-God, I do-and she was the kind of woman that wouldn't have come over if she didn't want to. She chose to drive that night."

"You have no right," Killian murmured, his hands clenched into tight fists.

"You have to face this for what it is. She chose to see you that night and unfortunately, that played a hand in her death. But you did not force her to come see you. You did not drive your car into hers. You did not kill her. And since you're still stuck on Milah's memory, you are damaging the relationship you have with Emma, your bloody soul mate. I don't think I need to say this, but I'm going to: Milah would've wanted you to be happy, Killian. She would've wanted you to continue on and not live in this rut that you've carved out for yourself."

Killian hated it, but he knew Liam was right. Even though he'd gotten the role a year after her death, Killian hadn't really been living his life. He'd been bedding random women the entire time, up until he met Emma, but that was only to dull the grief he was still experiencing from Milah's death. Not to mention the insane amounts of liquor he had been gulping down, which had put quite the dent in his bank account.

But Killian couldn't stop thinking about one part of Milah's death that continued to haunt him to this day.

"Her son was left without a mother, Liam. Her husband was left without his wife, the love of his life," Killian murmured, looking down at his hands. "If I hadn't even walked into her life, she'd still be alive and her family would still have her."

Liam sighed. "Killian, you don't know that. Besides, you can't blame yourself for meeting her. You met her at, what, the restaurant when you were waiting and she just happened to be a customer? Killian, if you wanna go that far back, blame the person who took her there in the first place. Then blame the owner of the restaurant. Then blame the parents of the owner."

"That's just ridiculous, Liam," Killian grumbled.

"And you see my point, then," Liam responded and Killian looked up to see that stupid shit-eating grin on Liam's face, knowing that he got his way. "You cannot blame yourself. Once you stop blaming yourself for her death, you'll be able to keep this relationship with Emma. Once you tell her, things will be easier. For the both of you. Maybe that's the step you need to be able to open up about both of your pasts, because that's kind of a pretty big thing to talk about."

Killian sighed and bloody hell he hated it when Liam was right. "Fine."

And Liam smiled even wider (bloody idiot). "Very well. Could you sneak me in some more McDonald's?"

Emma didn't want to budge from her spot underneath her covers. She hadn't moved from her bed since she returned from Killian's apartment at two in the morning, except for a short pee break when she woke up again at eleven. But since then, Emma had ignored the growling of her stomach and the vibrating of her phone. She just laid in her bed, wallowing in her own misery (God, she was fucking pathetic).

She just couldn't wrap her mind around how her life just fell apart the moment she heard Killian mumble that name.

Milah.

Her stomach clenched as she remembered the way Killian said the name. All breathless and...Emma sighed and forced herself to stop thinking about it. She didn't want to cry anymore-she already cried enough that day. She cried over the lost chance of a future with Killian; she cried over the pain of being pushed to the side yet again; she cried over the loss of him.

Because dammit as much as Emma wanted to hate Killian, she missed him. She missed those ocean blue eyes, that stupid smirk, the way he made her heart pound in her chest. She missed everything about him, even if it had only been less than a day since she'd seen him. But she knew it was done-Emma had said as much herself-so it made the grief that much worse.

Her phone began vibrating again and Emma huffed, reaching down and wrenching her phone from its place under her covers. She recognized the number on the screen and her heart lightened for once that day.

"Dad?"

"Hey there, sweetie," Emma's adoptive father said over the phone in that hearty tone Emma had missed. "How've you been?"

"Ummm," Emma began saying, her chin quivering and her heart pounding. She sniffled over the phone and Emma heard her father's desk chair squeak audibly as he sat up straight in his chair.

"What's wrong?" Her father asked, his voice tightening in that way that called Emma's memories from high school and college when he grew defensive of any boy that even gave Emma attention.

(He absolutely despised Neal, way before he dropped Emma like a bag of trash.)

Emma shook her head, even though she knew her father couldn't see her. "Nothing. I'm fine, Dad."

"Emma Marie Swan, what is wrong?" He asked again and Emma's hands began shaking.

"Dad, I found my soul mate, but everything's all wrong," Emma told her father and she couldn't stop the tears from slipping out of her eyes.

"Oh sweetie," Her father cooed and dammit she missed him so much. She hadn't seen him since the day her mother disowned her and practically forced Emma's father into siding with the mother. The only time they spoke was when Diane was on one of her insane trips to Europe or South America. Emma hadn't spoken to him for about three months.

"And Dad, I miss him but it won't work because I'm this girl who can barely pay rent for her crappy studio apartment and he's this big-shot actor and I just don't know what to do because I wanna go back to him and talk to him but it won't even be worth it because it probably isn't meant to be anyways-"

"Emma, stop," Grant Hammond spoke to Emma and Emma stopped her rambling. "I know you're afraid. You have been since that asshole. But this is your soul mate, honey. I don't want to sound like that hopelessly optimistic friend of yours, but things will work out."

"But Dad, he said another woman's name while he slept," Emma croaked out, furiously wiping at the tears that keep fucking spilling onto her cheeks. "He has some other woman besides me so I just can't go back to him because it'll hurt even more."

Emma could feel the rage over the phone that her father was feeling. When he found out about Neal's sudden departure, her father couldn't so much as sleep without vibrating in fury.

"I wish you weren't upset," Emma's father muttered out and Emma sunk deeper into her bed. "I wish I could help, Ems. I want you to talk to the man because maybe there's an explanation, but I-I just don't know. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, sweetie."

Emma took a deep breath. "I wish you were here. I miss you, Dad."

"I miss you too, Emma. Maybe I can sneak away some day. Make up some excuse for needing to be in the city for a day or something."

Emma huffed out a laugh. "You know Diane would find out. She has connections everywhere."

Grant sighed. "That she does. I wish I was down there, Emma. I really do. But you know how my case load is."

Emma laughed again. "Well, that's what you get for being one of the best lawyers in Buffalo, Dad."

And he let out that loud belly laugh that wrenched Emma's heart because she missed her father. "Oh I guess so."

Emma furrowed her eyebrows and sat up in her bed as she heard her apartment door flinging open, banging against the side of the hallway inside her apartment. She was hurrying to stand from her bed, looking around for any sort of weapon (where the hell was her bat when she needed it?) when she saw Henry pop into the archway leading to the sole room of the apartment.

"What are you doing here?" Emma asked Henry, holding the phone away from her mouth.

"What's going on, Ems?" Her father asked over the phone.

"Uh, Henry just walked in for some unknown reason," Emma replied and Henry mouthed 'sorry' to her from across the room.

"Ah, tell him I say 'hey.' And I'll call you another time, Emma. I love you."

"Love you too, Dad."

Emma hung up the phone and tossed it onto the bed behind her, then she held out her arms in a confused stance. "What are you doing here?"

"I was coming in to see if you had tape," Henry replied shyly, scratching that mop of hair. "I thought you were at work."

"One: that key is for emergencies, Henry. And two: Granny gave me the weekend off since I've been working so much," Emma explained, plopping back down on the edge of her bed. She rubbed her tired eyes and wondered why the hell she was still so exhausted. It wasn't like she had done anything all day.

Henry furrowed his eyebrows and tucked his hands into his front pockets. "You okay?"

Emma sighed and looked at Henry because she did not want to explain this again. "I just talked to my dad about what's bothering and I'm really not up to talking about it again."

Henry jutted out his bottom lip and dammit he made the best puppy dog faces. Emma sighed and groaned at the same time, turning out some strange, strangled sound. "God dammit, Henry. Fine."

So Emma explained everything, starting with Liam's accident and all the way to Emma crying her way home early this morning. But when Emma ended the story, she didn't exactly get the response she had been expecting.

"You have to go talk to him."

Emma crossed her arms over her chest as she stood from her bed. "Excuse me?"

"You have to talk to him, Emma," Henry repeated, standing his ground. "There's gotta be an explanation."

"Henry, he said another woman's name in his sleep!" Emma responded angrily, her nails digging into her bare arms. "I don't have to do shit!"

"Emma, this is your soul mate. You can't just give up-"

"Get out. Now, Henry!" Emma yelled, her hands shaking because how fucking dare he.

"Emma, you have to have faith! Come on!" Henry responded, stepping toward her and taking his hands from his pockets. "You have this thing that you've wanted for so long and you're running away from it at the first sign of trouble. You can't just disappear from his life, like you can't just make him disappear from yours. You need to talk to him."

Emma stood there, her nails continuing to dig into her arms because he was supposed to be her friend. Henry took Emma's silence as a cue to continue. "Not every guy is going to be like Neal, alright? Not every guy is going to up and leave you. Who knows? Maybe he muttered the name of his mother or something?"

"His mother's name was Amelia," Emma immediately responded, before she realized what she was saying. Henry's eyebrows raised and Emma looked back down to the ground. "He said 'Milah' and it sounded like it was quite the dream, Henry. It's done."

Henry sighed and ran his hand through that mop of hair. "You still should talk to him, Emma. He at least owes you an explanation, even if you believe it's over."

And dammit, Emma knew Henry was right. She knew that she was more than likely overreacting at the small mention of this other woman's name as Killian slept, but Emma had been treading carefully around Killian. She didn't want to face another heart break like the one Neal had left behind when he left her behind, only sending her a postcard a few weeks later with a proper apology (as proper as you can get on a postcard). Emma wanted this life with Killian, but she was still so defensive and afraid that everything will go sour and that he won't want her when she reveals her horrid past.

Fuck, Emma needed a therapist.

Emma sighed and huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, I work at five so I don't have time."

Henry sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Fine. Fine. But you need to talk to him."

Henry turned to exit the apartment but Emma spoke up. "Wait." Henry turned back around with his eyebrows raised. "Don't you want tape?"

Henry laughed under his breath. "Right, yeah. Crap drawer in your kitchen?"

Emma nodded as Henry strode over to her kitchen. She heard rustling in the kitchen as Henry looked for the scotch tape that she knew was in there. She heard an excited "Aha!" and Henry walked back out to her living area holding the small thing of tape.

"Making something for your class?" Emma asked as she sat back down on her bed.

Henry nodded. "Yep. Making a poster for the planets. Starting that unit tomorrow."

Emma nodded as her friend exited her apartment, going back to his place to work on his poster to help teach his little second-graders. She sighed and plopped back onto her bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the fucking awful mess surrounding her life right now. She was angry at Killian for muttering some other woman's name while he slept; she was angry that her heart was still betraying her by thinking that Killian was still her one and only; but lastly, she was angry that Henry was fucking right and that she needed to talk to Killian, even if Emma strongly believed that they were over.

She'd been burnt in the past and she wasn't going to risk it again. Even if he was her soul mate.

Even if she wanted to trust him with her whole heart (which she already did).

Emma grumbled as her phone started buzzing beside her on the bed. She was done with her daily fill of outside communication, but her phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing.

"Hello," Emma muttered out, rubbing her eyes (which were sore and tired for really no reason at all).

"Hey Emma," Elsa spoke over the phone and Emma could hear her heels clacking on the tile floor of her office.

"Do you need me to come in early to work?" Emma asked as she began to sit up on her bed, groaning under her breath at just the struggle of it.

"Um no. Actually, that's why I'm calling. I'm giving you the day off again," Elsa said uneasily.

"Elsa, come on!" Emma whined, running a hand through her hair. "I'm fine."

"I just think you need more time to see Liam. I know you were pretty shaken yesterday and you should be there for Killian," Elsa explained and Emma felt her heart quiver.

(Oh how things had changed.)

"No I don't. Please, Elsa. Let me work tonight," Emma stressed, sighing because she knew Elsa wouldn't give in. Elsa was timid, but very stern when it came to the lounge.

"No. I already asked Anna to take your tables today," Elsa responded swiftly. "Just enjoy the night off, Emma. Alright?"

Emma didn't even respond as she hung up the phone. Ugh, her day just kept getting shittier. She just wanted to stay in bed and not move for the next week-or preferably, the next year. And she hated the way that her mind told her that she should go see Killian, and go curl up at his side. But Emma shook her head as she plopped back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling, knowing that wasn't possible.

Ugh everything was fucked up and Emma didn't know what to do.

Well, correction: she knew exactly what she needed to do, but Emma couldn't find the strength to go do it because her freaking stubbornness was much stronger than anything else in her personality.

Emma wanted to go see Killian, to get the answers that she desperately needed, but at the same time, she didn't want them. She didn't want to hear the details of Killian sneaking around her back with another woman, but Emma deserved to know, even if it was all over between them now because of this utter betrayal. She knew there was a small chance that there was a huge misunderstanding and that everything was not what she thought, but Emma wouldn't place her hope in that basket, knowing that it would just break her heart further when she found out that it wasn't true and that Killian really was with another woman while dating (were they dating?) his soul mate.

Emma found that if you kept your expectations low, you were never hurt when they came out to be true. That's what she did throughout her foster families, with her grades in high school and college, and it was something she did with her relationships (until she had been fooled into trusting and believing that even though he wasn't her soul mate, that they'd be happy together forever, and then having the rug ripped out from beneath her). And again, she had been tricked into thinking that finding her soul mate would mean that everything would be easier, and that nothing could possibly damage that, but alas, she was now lying in her bed, heartbroken because life never worked in her favor.

Great, now she was wallowing in her own fucking misery. God, she was so pathetic.

Her apartment door creaked open and Emma sat up in her bed, confused because she's had enough people just walking in here like it was their own place. Emma groaned when Elsa appeared in her archway, holding a paper bag from holy shit was that her favorite bakery?

"What are you doing here?" Emma asked, planting her socked feet on the floor as she sat on her bed.

"Well, you sounded upset when we were on the phone, so I thought I'd drop by and bring you a bear claw," Elsa said as she walked over to Emma and handed her the bag. "Enjoy."

Emma didn't even feel embarrassed as she dug into the paper bag and tore into her favorite pastry. Elsa had seen worse from her, so it didn't matter. Emma ate the whole bear claw before she even asked what Elsa wanted. She just wanted to live in ignorance for a little while longer.

"Better?" Elsa asked as Emma had her final mouthful of bear claw.

Emma nodded and with her mouth still full, she said, "Better."

"So, gonna tell me what's wrong?"

Emma sighed and wiped her sticky fingers on her pajama pants. "I've already explained it to two people today and I'm not feeling like explaining it again, Elsa."

"Fine. But you know what you need to do, then?" Elsa asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Emma sighed again. "Yes, I do. But I'm not doing it right now."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not."

"Emma."

"It doesn't matter, Elsa."

Elsa uncrossed her arms and planted her hands on her hips. "Of course it matters, Emma. Now, what's wrong?"

"It doesn't matter because it's over, Elsa."

Elsa furrowed her eyebrows. "You and Killian?"

Emma nodded and ran her hand through her hair. "He said another woman's name when we were sleeping last night. So yeah, we're over."

Elsa opened her mouth to obviously say something, but Emma held her hand up to stop Elsa. "No. I don't want to hear anything else, alright? Henry already gave me a lecture about going to see him, just to at least get answers even though it's done. And my dad couldn't really give me any advice on it. I just want you to not say anything and to just sit here with me, okay? Because, Elsa"-Emma's voice broke and her chin quivered-"I'm really upset."

Elsa didn't say a word. She just sat beside Emma and put her arm over Emma's shoulder, pulling her tight against Elsa's body. Emma tried to avoid crying on Elsa, as she was wearing a very fancy business suit and Emma didn't even want to know how much it cost, but Emma couldn't help but shed a few tears (like she hadn't cried enough that day).

"I don't wanna say this, but Emma-"

"Henry has a point," Emma finished Elsa's statement, wiping whatever tears spilt over as she sat up. "I know he does. And I know I need to see him. But I just...I don't know if I can, Elsa."

Emma didn't mention the way her heart screamed for him, wanting to see those blue eyes and that dazzling smile and to hear that low chuckle and delicious accent. She wanted to see him, to be near him. But Emma knew it would hurt her, so here she would sit on her bed with only her misery as company.

"But you need to do it. Do you want me to come along? I don't think the lounge will need me tonight," Elsa asked, curious and worried for her friend.

Emma shook her head. "No. You should be at the club. I'll deal with this on my own."

"Are you going to go see him now?" Elsa asked, rubbing her hand up and down Emma's back.

Emma shrugged and her phone vibrated in the background. Emma sighed and plucked it from her blankets. "I don't know. He's probably seeing his brother still and-what the hell?"

"What?" Elsa questioned, furrowing her eyebrows again.

"I got a text from a number I don't recognize. Hold on," Emma muttered to her friend as Emma opened the message.

hi emma. its jenny. killian told liam and i all about what happened and i just want to tell you to go talk to him. i mean it when i say that its not at all what you think. im serious. hes back at his place, so you should really see him tonight. god knows his schedule is insane during the week. just please talk to him. he feels awful and he's going down this self-loathing hole that he likes to retreat to. i don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, but please talk to him. you two are soul mates and that means the world to him. just talk it out.

Emma sighed. "Shit."

"Who's Jenny?" Elsa ask, peeking over Emma's shoulder at the message.

"Killian's sister-in-law," Emma responded and rubbed her eyes. "Well, I guess I should go over there now, huh?"

Emma took a deep breath as she stood outside of Killian's apartment door. A half hour after she had received the text from Jenny and a quick shower later, she was just standing there, trying to gather the courage to just knock on the door. She'd been standing there for a few minutes because she was not ready to look at him, to feel the betrayal again.

But Henry, Elsa, and Jenny were right. She needed to talk to him.

Even though Emma knew it was over, she deserved to know what was going on at least.

And well, the more she put off talking to Killian, the more painful it would be for her. So with hesitance, she knocked on the door three times, and then tucked her hands into the light jacket she was wearing over her thin cami and jean shorts. Emma knew that Killian was home-from Jenny's text and the movement she could hear inside of the apartment-but she was growing nervous because it seemed as though nobody was coming to the door.

Emma was about to walk away from the door when she heard the hinges creaking as the door opened. But it wasn't Killian standing behind the door, it was holy fuck-

"Can I help you?" Graham Humbert asked, raising his eyebrows as he took Emma in.

Emma gulped because holy shit of course he was over there because everyone knew that Killian was close friends with his co-star. "H-Hi-ummm-is Killian here?"

Graham smirked and leaned his chest against the door, blocking her view into the apartment. "Well, I can't necessarily answer that, even for a beautiful woman."

Jesus, were all foreign men like that?

"Who is it, Graham?" Emma heard Killian ask and Graham moved himself away from the door. Killian stood just in the foyer, as though he had come from his bedroom from just the left of where they were standing. "Emma."

Emma gulped again and shuffled awkwardly in the hallway of the building. "Hi."

"Ignore the large oaf in my apartment and come in," Killian suggested and Emma stepped inside of his apartment, assaulted with the memories of their last meeting here (urgent kisses and eager hands). "I'm sure you already know Graham Humbert."

"William Smee on Never Landing," Emma said, her throat dry. She tried to clear it but holy hell she's much more starstruck by Graham than she was with Killian (then again, Emma was too busy running away to even be starstruck). "My friend Ruby is actually obsessed with you on the show."

Graham chuckled and ruffled that dark mop on his head, while Killian sighed. "Well, is your friend single by chance?"

"Actually, she's seven months pregnant with her soul mate/husband," Emma explained and Graham deflated.

"Well, that's a shame if she's as pleasant as you are."

"Alright there, Graham. Could you give us a moment?" Killian spoke up, looking over at his friend with an alert glance.

Graham noticed the stare and he stuttered as he stepped back toward the living room, "Oh right. Yeah. I'll just be in the living room."

Graham turned and strode down the three steps, into the living room and impressively hopping over the back of the couch to plop onto its cushions. Killian sighed at his friend's theatrics and held out an arm, signaling Emma to head back to his bedroom where they could talk privately. Emma kept her hands tucked tightly in her jacket pockets (she still did not trust herself around him, even if she was heartbroken by his soft mutterings of 'Milah') and stepped through the open door, into his bedroom. She heard the soft closing of the door and Emma turned around to see Killian walking over to her with a sad smile on his face.

"Hi," Killian said simply and her anger and sadness came barreling back.

Emma clenched her jaw and let out a long breath. "You don't get to 'hi' me, Killian."

Killian sighed and rubbed his hand over his beard as he stepped toward Emma in a small step. "I know. And I'm sorry about that, Emma. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"You mean you didn't mean for me to find out that you were sneaking around behind my back?!" Emma asked in a tense tone, trying to keep her voice down for Graham's sake. "That you were seeing some other woman because apparently I wasn't good enough for you?!"

(She never was.)

(She never would be.)

(That was the one thing that she learned from Diane-she couldn't believe she had ever called that woman her mother-and from Neal and from countless foster families that decided not to keep her, that she wasn't worthy.)

"Emma, please, just listen to me," Killian said, stepping forward again, only about two feet from Emma. "I am not seeing anybody other than you, love. I would never do that."

"Then who the hell is Milah?" Emma asked and she ignored the way sadness flickered across Killian's eyes. "I deserve that much, even if we're done."

Killian shut his eyes and Emma could tell that she had hurt him with her words. "Emma, please. I'll explain everything, I promise. Just understand before that this means me digging into a part of my past that I'd rather forget about."

"I have parts of my past I don't like, Killian. I understand that. But, you muttered another woman's name when you were sleeping, so I will continue to assume you are sneaking around behind my back until you tell me otherwise."

Killian sighed and ran his hand through his hair because he knew he had no other choice. He walked past Emma and plopped down on the end of his bed, propping his elbows on his knees as he looked up at Emma, who had moved to lean against the wall across from him.

"Umm"-Killian sighed again and Emma could see the trouble Killian had in gathering his words (and her heart wrenched because of course she still cared, even if she was angry at him and knew it was done)-"it all started almost four years ago. I was a waiter at a restaurant just down the road from Liam's place, since I was living there at the time. And it was just like any other normal day at first, but then I met this woman while she was at one of my tables."

"Milah."

Killian nodded. "Aye. And I was just immediately struck by her beauty. Actually, I almost spilt water on her lap because I got distracted by her eyes." Killian laughed under his breath and looked down at his folded hands. "But I wasn't the only one who had been attracted immediately. She came in more and more often and one day, she gave me her number."

Killian laughed wryly again and itched that spot behind his ear. "I was so excited that I had female attention that I didn't even bother to think that I shouldn't do it. That I shouldn't go near her."

"Why?" Emma had to ask, her voice quiet.

Killian visibly gulped as he looked back up at Emma. "Because she was married. With a son, as I soon learned when she had brought her family into the restaurant. After we had begun our affair."

Emma's stomach dropped. Oh God, he had an affair with a married woman?

"I wanted to break it off after I learned about her family. I didn't know she was married when it began because she was always kept her ring around her neck, saying that it was because it was easier to keep her personal life out of her work. Safer, even. But…" Killian sighed and sat up straight, "but she said that she needed me. That her husband basically ignored her, even though he loved her, and that she just needed someone because her life was becoming suffocating. And I didn't admit it to her, but I needed someone too.

"It went on for about seven months and Emma, I fell head over heels for her," Killian continued and Emma could see the truth in his eyes. Oh God, this didn't end well, did it? "And she did too and she said that she was going to leave her husband and take her son with her and that we'd live together, happily ever after. For once in my life, I knew where my future was going. I didn't care that we weren't soul mates. I just cared that we were happy."

And that statement rung true to Emma. Even though Neal and her obviously weren't soul mates, Emma was happy with him. And he was with her, at least up until he jumped ship three years ago. Emma had settled with him because she didn't know if she would ever find someone like her friends had, seeing as finding your soulmate actually was a rare thing that not many people had.

But then Killian swept into her life and nothing was the same.

"And one night, I-I called her because I had a nightmare. A really awful nightmare," Killian continued, obviously steering around what the nightmare was about and Emma didn't try to ask him about it. "I called her at one in the morning and I begged her to come over. She said that she couldn't, that it was late and that she couldn't just sneak out. But I just kept asking her and she eventually relented."

Emma saw Killian's hands shaking and no this really didn't end well at all. "Killian, what happened?"

Killian looked back to his hands and Emma could hear him taking deep breaths. Her heart twisted because he was in so much pain and even if Emma hated him right now, she couldn't stand looking at him like this. Emma dropped to her knees and placed her hands over his own, urging him to look up at her.

"Killian, talk to me," Emma whispered and Killian finally looked back at her, his eyes filled with unshed tears.

"It was storming badly that night, Emma. I didn't think anything of it, but an hour had passed and I was growing worried. And that's when I got the call from a nearby hospital, where an old friend of mine worked, telling me that Milah had been in a car accident. She was dead on arrival."

Emma's heart dropped into her stomach.

She died in a car accident.

That explained him having the dream and his completely shot nerves at the news of Liam being in an accident.

Oh God, she was an awful person.

"Killian-"

"A drunk driver t-boned her because he ran a red light, Emma," Killian continued, sniffling softly. "And I couldn't go to the funeral because I was the secret. I never got to say goodbye to her. It was my fault she died that night."

"Killian, no it wasn't," Emma quickly assured him, tightening her grip around Killian's hands because at this point, all was forgiven. It was just a huge misunderstanding. She just wanted Killian's pain to end. "Killian, the man who hit her is the one to blame. You weren't the one that drove the car and I'm sure you didn't force her to come see you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But don't you see, Emma?" Killian said, his voice tight and he just sounded so ruined. "I am the reason her son doesn't have his mother anymore, that her husband doesn't have the love of his life anymore. I did everything wrong."

"Then she did too, Killian. She made those choices. You cannot blame yourself for everything in that relationship," Emma told him bluntly. He needed to know the truth. He needed to hear it, even if it might hurt him.

Killian clenched his jaw and turned his hands to hold Emma's tightly in his own. "I mourned for three years, up until I met you, Emma. I never thought I could get over her, but that was until I met you." Emma's heart sped up and squeezed Killian's hands as he smiled weakly at her. "You changed everything, literally. And I mucked it all up."

Emma shook her head, her blonde hair falling in waves over her shoulders. "You didn't screw it up. I thought you were cheating on me, Killian, and I didn't even think to hear your explanation about why you were saying another woman's name in your sleep. I screwed up because I was being so stubborn in believing that nobody could care about me that I didn't even think about the fact that you did."

Killian released Emma's hands and moved to cup her face with his hands. He leaned his forehead against hers and their breaths mingled and Emma missed this, even if it had been less than twenty-four hours since her departure.

"Please forgive me for keeping Milah a secret. Please forgive me for making you think that you weren't good enough because-bloody hell, Emma-you are more than good enough. You are more than I deserve."

Emma nodded and her heart hurt because even with all of the pain he had gone through with Milah, Killian could still love with his whole heart and believe in true love and soul mates and he deserved someone so much better than Emma, someone less broken.

Killian pulled her face to his and pressed his lips against hers and if Emma was standing, her knees would've given out. She gasped and Killian slipped his tongue between the seam of her lips and tangled his with her own. Emma clawed at his upper arms because Jesus this man could kiss. Emma bit down on his bottom lip and he let out a low groan that left Emma thrumming in desire.

"Perhaps we should stop before it gets too difficult to," Killian suggested, with his lips only an inch from Emma's.

Emma nodded. "Probably a good idea, especially with Graham just outside."

Killian chuckled and pulled away. Emma opened her eyes (which had slipped closed during Killian's passionate kiss) and saw him smiling at her for the first time that day.

"Killian, I don't want you to hide anything else from me, alright?" Emma told him, her hands reaching up to his wrists to rub the skin there with her thumbs. "No secrets. You don't have to come right out and say everything right now, but if it comes up, no lies and no secrets."

Killian nodded. "Of course, love. Anything you say."