Same 'ol, same 'ol disclaimer

I.10. I Know

After several minutes, or perhaps hours, he felt dampness on his chest. It wasn't the cold dampness of her hair…then her body shook. Tears. He tried to pull her closer to him, even though he knew their bodies were already not only touching, but pressed against each other. Don't cry. His hand drew lazy designs on her back. A deep inhale of breath over the wetness of her tears sent a chill through Ray's body, and gave him goose bumps. She brought her hand up to his stomach like she was trying to smooth down his reaction to the cold.

"It makes me forget." Her voice surprised him, again, and his head jerked down to try to look at her. She had been looking down, facing their feet, but she turned, pulling her head off his chest, and replacing it with the covers. The sudden warmth sent another shiver through him. "It makes me forget that I'm scared, and confused."

"I know" he whispered. Believe me, I know. He pulled her toward him again.

Goddamnit Ray!

"No you don't! Stop trying to make everything sound okay! It's not! Everything is not okay!" she said. It was at a normal volume, but with silence filling the room, it sounded like she was shouting. She pulled away from him.

"I know it's not okay! I'm not saying it's okay! I'm saying I know what it's like Neela!" he said even louder. Then, looking directly into her eyes, he said in a whisper again, "I know….'cause I've been there, and I've done it."

Wait, what?

"…At first it makes you forget…it releases you…it makes everything else disappear for however brief a moment, it stops your mind from rerunning a trauma in your head when you lost them; it clears out life's confusions. And for that moment it works. But then you can't stop. Right?" They both held the gaze, neither one wanting to be the one to break it. He had started empathetic and quiet, then became frustrated, now he was starting to sound angry and was getting louder. The rage flared in his eyes.

"Stop it Ray" she spoke in a strained but decisive whisper.

"That's why you spent so long in the locker room before you went home tonight, right?"

"Stop it." Her voice stayed even.

"Is that an admission?"

"Stop it," she said again, this time more forcefully.

"That's how it is though, Neela, isn't it?" his voiced continued to get louder. He was practically shouting, but at the same time pulling her closer to himself.

This time she didn't answer. She just stared at him. She could see the tears that wanted to escape again, but he still wouldn't let them. He didn't break the gaze either, but raised his eyebrows, effectively asking the same question again. She broke the gaze. She bent her head down and put her forehead back against his chest. After taking a deep breath, she nodded.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, I'm angry with myself. I should have seen it. I should have known…being adamant about keeping your door closed, always offering to take out the trash, fearing I'd see the evidence of what you did, never letting me in your room, even if it's just to pick up the phone…it's all the same things." His voice had returned to a whisper.

"Don't tell anyone."

"Hey" he pulled her face up, so she was looking right at him "not only do I have no reason to, I have no right to. I know that. Okay?"

"Yeah…I know"

You have to ask, Barnett. This could be pushing too much too soon and fuck it all up, but you have to ask…

Drawing in a deep breath, he asked, "Where do you keep it?"

She closed her eyes, feeling ashamed. Opening them, she reached back behind herself to the bedside table, and ran her fingers along the lip at the bottom. She pulled her hand out, empty.

Bollox!

"I…I must have left it by the sink in the locker room."

It took you until she left it all out in the open Ray? That is pathetic.

"Hey" he pulled her chin up again "it is okay…it will be okay." She nodded.

He pulled her into his body as hard as he could. She allowed herself to be pressed up against him until it almost hurt. They lay there for a long time. Ray stared off into nothing wondering what this would do to their friendship.

Could it ever be the same? If it was different, would that be a good different? Or come tomorrow will I have screwed up this relationship too?

Her breathing had become more shallow, and even.

How can Ray calm me like this, but not Michael?

It says something about her that she can fall asleep in my arms and it's not because we just had sex. And I don't want her to go. Ever.