Like the previous 11 chapters have said..they're still not mine.
I.12. I Thought You Understood This
This time Ray broke the silence. "When did you start?"
"When I first moved to America from England."
"Why?"
"I was scared. I didn't know anyone. I wasn't sure I could make it as a doctor. I didn't really have anyone to fall back on. Then I met someone that I could fall back on, and he went to Iraq. I was devastated, and confused. Then I met someone else, which made it worse, because I felt like I was cheating on Michael just by thinking about the other man. Then just a couple of weeks ago I married Michael, having convinced myself I loved him, and not the other man. And I haven't done anything unfaithful, but I still feel guilty."
Who? Who is the 'someone else'? He was opening his mouth to ask, but then she continued.
"Then today, this little boy…this 12 year old boy…"
Think back to the board…who was the 12 year old boy?
"…totally convinced that what his father was doing was okay…"
Please tell me that is not the chart I handed off to you because I didn't want to deal with it…
"…such a sweet little boy…so trusting…so…" leaving the sentence incomplete she just sighed.
No, that had been an older man…I don't remember a little boy…
"Yeah, I don't understand how people can ever hurt a child. My last patient was a little girl. Do you remember Dina, a few weeks ago?"
"Yes. I ran that trauma…"
"Yeah, her sister."
"See? It's cases like these! They get to me. If I followed up with social services, I bet you wouldn't have seen her sister today!" Her voice was getting progressively louder, and she sat up.
"No. Neela, stop. Social services did go to their house. And according to this girl, Samantha, cops were there too at some point. They didn't find anything wrong, it had nothing to do with you."
"I knew there was something wrong, I should have gone myself!"
"No, you shouldn't have. That's not your job. If social services couldn't find anything, and the police didn't find anything, you probably couldn't have either. Even if you completely believed there was an issue, you can't always fix it," trying to reason with her, trying to calm her, he kept his voice even.
"I could have tried." She sounded slightly calmer.
"You did what you could."
"It makes me so angry! I'm done; I don't want to talk about it anymore." She collapsed back down into him. He replaced his arm around her.
Ray couldn't hold the silence very long before breaking it again. "Will you stop now?" Will you stop for me?
"I…I am still confused…I don't know…"
"What are you confused about?"
"Michael"
"And the other person?"
"Yeah, and the other person." She squeezed his hand that was around her middle. He hadn't realized her hand was on his.
Wait, me? I'm the other person? She's doing this because of me?
"Me?" his voice urgent.
"Yeah, you" her voice timid.
Good job Neela, now you ruined it.
"You're doing this because of me?" he was raising his voice again.
"No. That's not what I said Ray. And I could turn that right back around on you."
"Well, then what did you say?" he said, ignoring the last statement. His voice was a mixture of anger, anxiety, and confusion.
"I said I did it because I was confused."
"About me! About me and Gallant!"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Well, what the hell did you mean?"
"I don't know Ray! If I knew, do you think I would have done it to begin with? I thought you said you understood this!"
"I do!"
"You're bloody well acting like you don't! And what about you? You said you did it when I got married."
Shit. That is true. But that's not really what I meant.
"Yeah. I guess I did." His voice had returned to a barely audible whisper.
"Does Michael know you do it?"
"No." Another thing to add to the what-Ray-knows-about-Neela-but-her-husband-doesn't list.
"I should go." He started to sit up.
"Don't." She gently, but forcefully pushed him back down. He didn't object, but that was mostly because he didn't know what to say.
That's three times today you've been speechless.
Silence again. Both of them breathed in deep.