Authors' Note: Well, here it is. Finally! Chapter SIX! Woohoo! This was a fun chapter to write. We had quite a few spur of the moment things, like Gimli's helmet and Calen's underwear problems, but other than that it went almost as planned! We hope you love the Dwarvish 'chanting' just as much as we do, and if you really show some support of it we might just feel like bringing it back in another chapter. ( Well, we hope you enjoy this, and hopefully we'll whip another out quite soon. Oh yah, and do you guys have as dirty of minds as Anna and I do? Because we found this whole chapter so full of dirty inside things. Oh the double meanings.hehe. ON WITH THE SHOW! -Howard & Porta, AKA: Emilee & Anna
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Legolas had thought he could handle it. When he agreed to letting his cousin tag along with them, he really hadn't expected her to be as bad as she was. Usually Calen could muster some amount of composure when it came to her constant complaining, but after getting up before sunrise, eating a small meal of Gimli's dwarvish meatballs (-restrained laughter here from the authors-), and having to carry along Vebor's llama, the elvish damsel wasn't in the best of moods.
And to top it all off, Gimli had decided to sing. Singing. Now Gimli's singing wasn't quite the same as the pure elvish voices of Lothlorien and Mirkwood, no, Gimli's singing was all of three things: loud, annoying, and off key.
"OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOO.etc." Gimli wailed.
Legolas sighed as he watched Gimli walking ahead of him. Calen was walking next to Legolas, and was obviously getting upset as she squeezed the hell out of Llama and clenched her teeth.
"My dear sweet cousin.if you do not shut your dwarf up, I will have to KILL HIM!" Calen hissed through her teeth.
"What am I supposed to do Calen?" Legolas replied calmly, though Gimli's singing was starting to annoy him as well.
"OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
"LEGOLAS!" Calen yelled.
"Gimli." Legolas warned.
"Eh?" Gimli glanced behind at them with raised eyebrows.
Legolas and Calen simply stared at him. Frowning, Legolas opened his mouth to speak, "Erhm-"
But Gimli cut him off, "If you have a problem with my dwarvish chanting-"
"You mean singing. You were definitely singing." Calen grumbled from Legolas' side.
Legolas gave Calen a repressive look and smiled at Gimli, "I think we'd all appreciate it if nobody sang."
"Fair enough. I can control myself." Gimli replied, making Calen snort and Legolas laugh.
So for a few moments, there was silence. Silence and harmony, no one was fighting and it was all peaceful. Until Gimli started to 'chant' again.
It started softly, barely a hum, but it grew. It grew to the loud, annoying and off key volume that it had previously been.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-"
"GIMLI!" Calen yelled
Legolas sighed, fixing his gaze on the trees around him, "Oh Eru."
"I apologize. I didn't realize I was chanting again. Please forgive me." Gimli replied, clearing his throat. "It is common for traveling dwarves to chant while traveling, so it's no surprise that I-
"Forgive my interruption Master Dwarf, but who exactly do you think is listening to you?" Calen's voice was dripping with disrespect.
Legolas jabbed his cousin sharply with the end of his bow, "Calen, don't be impolite."
"Impolite? Legolas he's singing!"
"Well he's stopped now."
Gimli grunted, "The two of you are aware that I am still here, correct?"
"Unfortunately.." Calen replied under her breath.
Once again, Legolas sighed, and there was a silence over the woods. This lovely, peaceful, mind cleansing quiet lasted for a few minutes, but then Calen suddenly stopped walking and Legolas tripped over her.
"Calen-" Legolas started. Gimli realized what was going on and turned around.
Calen looked down at her feet, "If I take one more step, it'll be the longest without silk undergarments, I've ever gone."
Groaning, Legolas pushed Calen and they kept walking, "That is absolutely fabulous Calen, keep going."
But Gimli stood there looking aroused, and he laughed in a hearty dwarf way as they passed him, after Legolas punched him on the shoulder for looking at Calen like he was. "Ho ho ho! She's a fiery lass!"
Legolas gave Gimli a look over his shoulder and Calen huffed, dropping Llama in the process of turning towards Gimli , taking a few intimidating steps towards him, "Are you aware, Master Dwarf, that I am still here? You talk of me as if I was deaf, or.not currently present."
"Yes? Fiery? You are fiery. Is that what you are trying to tell me?" Gimli asked, raising his eyebrows and walking past Calen.
Sighing deeply, Legolas started walking alongside Gimli, with Calen trailing close behind.
"No!" Calen yelled, sounding like she was about to explode, "Not fiery! I am right here, Gimli, you are speaking of me as if I was somewhere else."
"Yes, you are here and you are fiery!"
"You feeble-minded, ridiculous, impractical, childish twit! You are speaking to a member of Mirkwood's royal family, and I-"
Dwarves have never been good at lightly skipping through the forest, that's part of the reason Gimli was the one who stomped the hell out of Llama, sending Calen into yet another tantrum and forcing Legolas to decide that he'd had enough and set up camp for the night.
"You hurt him!" Calen yelled, cuddling Llama as if she actually cared about the rabbit.
Gimli was sitting across from her, and Legolas was in between them trying to start a fire. The dwarf was wearing an expression that made him look as if he was being lectured by a disappointed parent. He had his helmet on his knees and he was staring awkwardly at his feet.
Calen was taking the role of the lecturer and gave Gimli a vicious glare, "Well? What do you have to say for yourself? You horrible dwarf."
"Calen." Legolas looked up from his fire at his cousin, "Five minutes ago you were complaining that you even had to bring the rabbit, will you just drop it, please?"
"No I will not just drop it Legolas! Gimli is an animal abuser and I believe he should be punished for doing such a horrendous thing to Vebor's Llama. What would Vebor say if he knew that this dwarf mutilated his precious pet, mhm?"
Legolas stared, "Vebor would forget Gimli ever did anything to Llama if you gave him a biscuit and told him to go pick some flowers."
Huffing, Calen shook her head, "That isn't the point, Legolas."
"Then what is the blasted point?" Gimli exploded.
"You hurt my bunny, that's the point!"
Legolas rolled his eyes and decided to try and stay out of it. For a moment Gimli and Calen were content with glaring at each other from opposite sides of the almost-fire, but then Calen just had to open her big mouth again, ".on top of the fact that you tramp around in those great heavy metal boots of yours.."
"They aren't metal, they're stone!" Gimli yelled, more to have something to yell then anything, obviously.
"They are not stone! There is no possible way you could have stone boots!"
"Uh-huh! Stone!"
"Nu-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nu-uh!"
"You are such a." Gimli growled, then launched into heavy cursing in Dwarvish, gathering his helmet, thrusting it on his head and trooping off into the forest.
There was much huffing and gasping from Calen's seat on the log and eventually Legolas couldn't take it anymore and just started laughing.
"What is ever so funny, dear cousin?!" Calen asked with a snotty disbelief in her voice.
Legolas shook his head, "If you could just keep your mouth shut." he replied, not looking at her as he prodded the fire with a stick.
"Uh! Well.sshhh..I.uhh.tttttffffttt..phhft..I never!"
"Right." He replied.
Calen huffed again, and jerked Llama up and showed him to Legolas, "You do not care at all, do you Legolas? You could care less about poor, defenseless Llama!" and with that she threw the rabbit at Legolas with all her might. "Huuuaaahh!"
Llama hit Legolas in the chest and he fumbled it before he got it in his hands and held it as far away from him as possible, "You just threw it at me Calen!" He yelled, throwing the rabbit back at her.
The bunny landed in Calen's lap and she glared wickedly at her cousin, throwing Llama back at him and standing up, stomping into the forest with her arms crossed and her nose in the air.
One consequence of walking with your nose in the air is not noticing when you are just about to run over a dwarf. Calen tripped over one of Gimli's 'stone' boots and went tumbling to the ground just as Legolas chunked Llama at the back of Calen's head, sending the bunny sailing through the air and hitting Gimli in the face.
"What in tar nation!" Surprise author's note: What the hell is tarnation? The computer made it two words, but it isn't. It's a made up word. Our theory is that it originated from a dwarvish language, that's why Gimli says it here. You see kids? It's all part of our master plan. Gimli yelled, peeling the rabbit off his face and tossing it at Calen.
Calen caught it, and set it on the ground as she got up, glaring at Gimli ferociously. "What do you-"
Trusting a flower in Calen's face, Gimli looked quite proud of himself, "This is for you, my dear."
Legolas's eyes widened and he turned away from Gimli and Calen, whistling innocently as he made his way over to the fire.
Calen's jaw drops and her lips make a perfect 'O', she looks at the flower then at Gimli then closes her eyes and sighs, "This flower.is the Vanataur." she swallowed, "A sacred flower of my people." Calen opened her eyes and looked at him irritated, "It only blooms once ever thousand years and is the rarest flower we have in Middle Earth!"
It was Gimli's turn to gape and stutter before closing his mouth and biting his tongue. He was fully prepared for another lecture from the fair she-elf, but was not at all looking forward to it.
"You are.ugh!" Calen yelled, shaking her head and taking the flower with her, storming off into the woods.
Gimli is speechless, except of course for the Dwarvish cursing he muttered loudly as he sat down angrily near the fire. "Bloody fool!" He grumbled at himself, throwing his helmet across the clearing and dropping his head into his hands.
Legolas joined Gimli on the log and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "She hates me, doesn't she?" Gimli grumbled, "Bad enough I'm a dwarf, but then I have to go and pick the sacred flower."
"You did not know. It isn't your fault and she doesn't hate you."
It was late before Calen returned, but neither of them had much time to worry about it, because they were engaged in some very important male bonding conversations. After calming Gimli down, Legolas fixed up some rabbit stew (don't fear Llama lovers, it wasn't your favorite reject elf's pet they so merrily consumed) and the boys had a lovely little chat.
"Honestly Legolas, my head has grown." Gimli was saying as Calen crept up behind them from the dark woods.
Legolas gave Gimli a raise of an eyebrow and managed a weak smile, "Has it?"
"My helmet, I'm having trouble getting it off. See watch." Gimli picked his helmet off the log and jammed it on his head, then tugged it back off, showing quite a bit of strain while pulling it off.
"That is wonderful Gimli, you've been wanting your head to grow for some time now."
"How did you know, " Gimli gave Legolas a suspicious look then punctuated his suspicion with, "elf?!"
"How could I not know about it Gimli? You complain about the size of your head all the time."
"Oh yes, that's true. Well you know, my father had a much larger head than I, most dwarves do. Large heads run in my family.but mine is oddly puny. I don't understand it either. All I know is that this is the smallest size helmet our blacksmith made, and I'm proud to say I think I've finally outgrown it!"
Calen stepped into the clearing and cleared her throat, holding Llama. She gave Legolas and Gimli a 'well I'm back' look, then sat down to have some of the stew.
The silence around the fire was deafening. Until Gimli finally broke it with a simple question.
"So Calen isn't wearing underwear eh?"