Chapter 113

Pain

River missed her bother and wanted to get home. She did not want to be here for nine months for what Cameron 'wanted' her to do. She considered the possibility that if they could make the TDE receive as well as broadcast she might think about it from her ship, in the future and with HER Family.

She worked with John Henry on his latest calculations. She made some more suggestions for the TDE. The suggestions would greatly improve its function and capability. With the design changes she proposed the TDE would become a vastly superior machine.

If River could make the TDE receive, they should be able to send an energy bubble to a specific location and time and then pull it back. If someone were to enter the energy bubble at that time they would return with it. It would offer greater flexibility in its operation. River did not think the technology existed in this time period. She knew it did in hers.

River wanted to go home. Being with Cameron in the past was an experience she never dreamed of or imagined. Things were so different here, this was a different timeline. Even though many things were the same, there was much that was different.

Skynet did not exist in her timeline. Other events that seemed just as bad did. She was very disturbed by what Vanna and Jesse told her about Scavengers. They reminded her of such people from her timeline. Those people were even more extreme and violent.

Earlier:

River waited until Cameron left. She went to look under her pillow at what Cameron left for her. She knew from the moment Cameron walked in what she was going to do with the poem book.

River picked up the poem book and looked at the cover.

MY POEMS

(Art Of The Mind)

By

NOBODY

River knew Cameron was going to put it there for her to look at. She knew why.

Cameron opened up 'everything' about herself to River. It was a short but eventful life, River thought. She brought the box of tissues to her bedside and started to read. She felt each poem as Cameron did at the moment she'd created each one. She could feel the terrible pain that Cameron felt at several levels and for various reasons. It was clear that more than one thing troubled Cameron.

River cried herself to sleep….

River felt uneasy the next morning when she woke up. Cameron's troubled poems echoed in her mind. Maybe it was actually Cameron's troubled mind that echoed in her mind. That is what it was in reality.

She knew what Cameron wanted for her and for her to do. She wanted to go home. She did know it meant so much to Cameron but she was not ready for that step in her life yet. She knew she needed to make Cameron understand and not just tell her 'no'. She was a person too and Cameron needed to understand and respect that.

"Cameron, I know what you want. I know what you want me to do. I can not do it." River said. "I am not ready for 'that'. Please don't MAKE me…."

River knew the physical aspects and that it was biological function. It was the mental and emotional implications that worried her. She knew it would take a toll on Cameron. In fact she knew that about Cameron better than Cameron did.

"I understand." Cameron said.

Cameron looked defeated. She'd banked on River to assist her. Even though she was disappointed she was very aware that River was different from the other human females in many ways.

"Can't Allison, Vanna or Jesse help you?" River asked. "I know Savannah will when she is old enough."

River could tell what Savannah thought about all of it. Her desire to fulfill the promises that Cameron made her make were very important to her. It would be her way to express her true love to Cameron, even at her own personal and physical expense. That was true on several levels because Savannah was exactly like Vanna in what her desires would be for a relationship.

Cameron was very frustrated by it all.

"John will not 'do it' before my termination…." Cameron said. "As long as I exist, John will not accept his destiny. He will not embrace the future and move his life forward."

River did not feel the future was written in stone. She was there for one to prove it wasn't. The people from the alternate future were there also. That was not something that happened in Cameron's future. She could feel Cameron's distress and hopelessness. It was very evident to her how others 'with' John would 'hurt' Cameron. That was true even if it was what Cameron thought she wanted to happen.

"I can't hurt you like that either." River said. "I KNOW it would hurt you. You KNOW that I KNOW that it will hurt you."

Cameron thought of self termination again. There had to be a way to escape the frustration. That seemed like the only permanent solution.

River felt Cameron's thoughts on self destruction.

"NO! Don't think like that, Cameron." River said. "That is not the answer. What does that solve or prove? How many people does that hurt? John and Savannah may do the same thing because they love you so much. Is that what you want?"

It was not what Cameron wanted. It was that the feelings just crept up and overpowered her at times.

"It always happens, River. I can't stop it." Cameron said.

River did not believe that. She felt it to be different than that.

"You don't want to stop it." River said. "I know."

Cameron thought about it. She liked the idea because all of her troubles would end along with her existence.

"No! I do not." Cameron said.

This all seemed far from over on many levels to River. Cameron was in too big of a rush. She needed to let things play out.

"We still have time to work on the TDE. Let time write its own chapter." River said and smiled at Cameron.

River touched Cameron's cheek. It always made Cameron feel 'something'. Such a simple physical touch meant so much to her.

Cameron could not get enough of River. She did not care if River could 'read' her. She felt what she felt and she was not ashamed of it. It was a natural and organic feeling.

"For a machine you are very 'sexual'." River said. "You seem very willing to explore."

That was the one thing she did remember about being 'Allison'. When she thought she was Allison she did not remember she was a machine. She thought she was human. She felt she was 'real'. Then at some point the others would find her and they would 'make' her remember who she was and even worse, what she was. It was always the same. She was a very scary robot from the future, a machine.

"I forget I am a machine sometimes and then I remember. I always do, I always remember." Cameron said sadly.

Cameron touched her midsection. She felt worthless.

River felt the deepest sadness and sorrow Cameron felt at being a machine and not a human female.

"You are still special to me, Cameron." River smiled and told her. "Let's go play with Savannah."

River wanted to get Cameron's mind off of her perceived shortcomings.

River KNEW that is all they were was perceived. Cameron was the greatest in her book. There was simply no other being like her now or in her future.

Sarah and John finished up in the commissary. They passed the recreation room and spotted Cameron and River inside.

Sarah was not blind and she knew how females thought. That was both advanced human females and machines designed to replicate human females in function and persona.

She wanted to warn John not to let things 'get away' from him.

"Cameron has a new 'best friend'." Sarah said.

John could feel Cameron slipping away from him. He was very frustrated because the things she wanted him to 'do' would pound a deeper wedge between them at some point.

"I've noticed. So has everyone else." John said.

It made him feel very powerless about it all.

"They are two distinct individuals out of their respective 'times' that have the ability to communicate with each other on a different level." Sarah said. "They operate on a level that is above the rest of us."

John saw it as making someone too perfect. They were no longer what they started out as even if they wanted to be.

"Neither one has a choice." John said. "That is how they are."

Sarah knew that life was about choices but anyone who was born did not have a choice in that matter. That choice was made for them by others.

"No one born has a choice, it happens." Sarah said.

John felt that include someone who was 'built'. They did not have a choice in that matter.

"True." John said. "Or if they are built."

It was clear to Sarah what Cameron wanted River to 'do'. That was a lot of pressure to put on a young female. It troubled her even more when Cameron 'leaned' on Savannah. It was clear that Savannah loved and worshiped Cameron. She would most likely be pregnant one way or another as soon as she was able to reproduce.

Sarah did not feel everyone could be a good mother. She did not think she was but she did the best she could. Others could be overwhelmed. She'd even read and seen on the news where mothers became overwhelmed and even killed their own children.

"I do not know if either one of them can be a good mother, John." Sarah said.

John knew he was still young and inexperienced in many ways. He seldom had a father figure to look up too. Charlie was someone he could see as a father figure. Look where that got him. Charlie died helping him escape. How was his life worth more than Charlie's?

"I doubt I could be a good father." John added. "I am not ready."

Sarah knew things could change fast. One day you were single and carefree and the next day your life changed forever and you were pregnant on top of it.

"You would be surprised at how fast you can get 'ready'." Sarah said as Kyle walked up.

John reflected that his mother would know. She needed to be ready when he was born and it all happened on her own.

"Yes." John said.

John thought maybe he should start LISTENING to Cameron.

He did not want to lose her and he did not want to hurt her.

What could it hurt in reality to do what she wanted? They still loved each other.

That thought made John wonder. What if Cameron loved someone else more than him? It could happen. He knew. It happened to him and that association got Riley killed. Why did his life matter more than hers?

John Henry put their Terminators on a rotating schedule to watch over the young Reese brothers and Young Allison. Cameron and John Henry along with Derek and Kyle decided three were enough for the Reese brothers and two for Young Allison. If a mission warranted it the coverage could drop to two and one for a short time. Cameron would not allow anything less than that.

Cameron really came to fear that the younger versions of everyone would end up as targets by Skynet. She tied up a lot of their assets and resources to make sure everyone was protected.

Cameron always felt uneasy when Unit 645 and Unit 710 were around. They were both better 'built' than her and she saw that John always noticed and looked. They both reminded her of Riley but they were both prettier. That made them a bigger threat.

John wanted them to pick names but they said they were assigned designations already. They did not see the need to change anything. Cameron worked with them and helped them try to pick names. She made sure that they understood John was off limits, even if she were terminated. Unit 645 was reluctant to comply. Cameron asked both units to change their hair color, darker. Cameron would work to Resequence their DNA code to make it permanent. They did not want to change their appearance either. They liked the way they were constructed.

Cameron noticed Unit 645 showed a little too much 'skin'.

"Please button your shirt one more button." Cameron said.

That irritated Unit 645.

"Why?" Unit 645 asked. "This is how I am."

Cameron did not like the rebuff and challenge.

"Because I asked you too nicely - this time…." Cameron said.

Unit 645 did as asked until Cameron left. Once Cameron was gone she unbuttoned two buttons and nearly popped out of her blouse.

Riley arrived soon after that. She'd passed Cameron on the way.

Riley stopped and looked at Unit 645.

"That is quite 'a pair' you have there." Riley said as she passed her.

It was impossible not to notice.

"Thanks." Unit 645 said as she smiled.

Unit 645 was not sure why she was doing any of this. She only knew she 'needed to'.

Cameron spoke with Sarah about something she wanted her to do for her. It involved River.

"Sarah, I know you understand." Cameron said. "You understand the importance of this to John and to me."

Sarah wanted to help and not hurt anyone.

"I do, Cameron." Sarah said. "I know it hurts you too. I am sorry. I really am."

Cameron looked at Sarah with sadness in her eyes and heart.

"Everyone sacrifices for John Connor." Cameron said as a tear slid down her cheek.

River sat next to Sarah. She was a little nervous.

Sarah lifted River's hand and moved it toward her belly.

"Go ahead." Sarah said.

River touched Sarah's belly. She could feel the life inside. It felt so warm, comfortable and peaceful.

River thought how beautiful that was….

How beautiful it could be….

Pain

Pain can come in many forms
It may be imagined or real
It can happen in the body or mind
Damage or trauma to either we can feel

Physical damage may often heal
The actual pain fades with time in the mind
It seems the damaged to a mind itself
Is more difficult to heal and leave behind

Some seek physical pain
To know and feel they are alive
What in their mind do they deprive
What madness do they contrive

Mental pain can happen
Without any physical touch
It seems to happen from within
It can scar and hurt so much

It has often been said
There is no gain without pain
When is it better to refrain
To prevent damage to the brain

Nobody