Chapter 115

Not Real

John was aware that Cameron spent nearly all her time with River. He knew what was happening. No, not happening. It already happened. It was what he went through with Riley when he fell in love with her. He could see Cameron did all the same things he'd done. It was a new and exciting adventure he'd gone on when he hooked up with Riley. Now Cameron was on an adventure of her own. Regardless of the route taken, the destination would be the same.

He was worried. He knew how fast things could get away from you, especially if the other person wanted something to happen too. The closeness led to kissing and the kissing led to touching. That soon led to more and before you even knew it, it happens. It happened wild and it was quick. He needed to refocus. He wanted to make sure Cameron knew what she was doing. Once that rocket fired, there was no stopping it.

"Cameron, you've been spending more and more time with River…." John said.

Cameron did not see a problem with that.

"I enjoy her company." Cameron said.

That made John wonder where he rated.

"What about me?" John asked.

Cameron smiled at John.

"I enjoy your company too." Cameron said.

John still felt a little left out.

"Just 'not as much' as you do River's company?" John asked.

Cameron did not like these questions. It was time to take control of the conversation. Maybe John needed a little 'refresher course'.

"When I used to come in from patrols late at night when we lived in the house, I would hear you alone with 'yourself' sometimes…." Cameron said.

John looked uncomfortable. He knew what she referred to. He did not think anyone knew. It was normal anyway. He still felt uncomfortable.

Cameron noticed.

"Don't feel bad, Sarah did sometimes too. It is natural human behavior." Cameron said. "I've tried it myself too. Later on I wanted to 'experiment' after we were married. I wanted to see what it was like or if it was different. Even though the end result was the same, it was different and not as pleasant. I felt it lacked the excitement and the closeness. It seemed very mechanical."

John tried to blow this off some.

"TMI, Cameron." John said.

Cameron wanted to make a point.

"I would wait outside your door." Cameron said. "I wanted to come in and 'comfort' you. I wanted to provide for you. I wanted to share with you."

John wondered if that was in her programming from Future John. If it was, why didn't she come in?

"Why didn't you?" John asked. "I would have liked that."

Cameron felt she 'offered' herself to John plenty of times. She even laid in his bed next to him. His desires were elsewhere even if she was right there.

"You did not choose me yet." Cameron said. "You were 'afraid'."

John knew that was true. He was hung up on Riley and he was 'afraid'.

"I wanted too, Cameron." John said. "I was afraid you would reject me."

Cameron saw it a little differently. She was right in his bed next to him.

"You had the chance to make a choice." Cameron said. "You chose 'another'."

John remembered how he wanted Cameron to leave so he could run off to Mexico with Riley. He did think about giving Cameron a 'try' at that time and then still running off with Riley to Mexico later on. He actually wished that is what he would have done.

"I am sorry about that. I nev…." John started.

Cameron was a little irritated now. She told John before he deactivated her how she felt. She'd fixed herself after the incident and he still 'terminated' her after she told him how she felt.

"YOU chose another, AFTER I told you I loved you and that you loved me." Cameron said. "I TOLD YOU. I SAID the words to you. I said them to your face."

John remembered Cameron pleading for her 'life' and his mother screaming at him to terminate her. He wanted to believe her but he didn't. Maybe he did not believe in his own love for her.

"Everything wasn't good then, I…." John started.

Cameron was upset. She wanted to make her point.

"You chose another over me. If Future Jesse hadn't terminated her, you would have continued to 'mate' with her, not me." Cameron said. "I know what you did. It wasn't with me. You know what you did and you rubbed it in my face."

Cameron wasn't sure why she said these things but that seemed to be what happened in arguments sometimes. Cruel words just seemed to blurt out. They were often regretted as soon as they were spoken. People hurt each other for no real reason. It was just to hurt each other.

John wanted to defend his actions. There was no defense.

"NO! I was still young then, I…." John started.

Cameron forged ahead. She could not stop herself.

"I owe that Jesse - Future Jesse a bigger debt than I can ever repay." Cameron said sadly.

Cameron alluded to the fact that Future Jesse did what she could not do. She killed Future Riley for her.

John thought the whole thing was set up by Future Jesse because she was part of the anti-Metal faction. He wanted to use that in his defense.

"You warned me of that group from your future." John said. "She is the one who manipulated the whole thing."

Cameron saw that as a two lane street.

"Everyone manipulates everyone else, John." Cameron said.

John was angry now too. He did not like hearing about what he'd done. He thought Cameron did a pretty good job of making decisions for other people and altering their lives. It didn't seem to bother her in the slightest.

"Who would that know better than YOU?" John asked.

Now Cameron was angry about the 'attack' on her. She knew what was best for everyone. It was the timing that was off, not what was done. She didn't regret the things she'd done.

"There are many things I would do different with the timing. There are many things I would leave the same." Cameron said. "I could have done a lot of things better."

John thought about all the months Cameron was gone with her folly as she tried to change things.

"And with the TDE, you don't hesitate much either to do them, do you?" John said angrily.

Cameron could see John missed the point. It was all about him. That was what she did everything for.

"I do what is best for John Connor." Cameron said.

John wondered how much was for her own benefit.

"What about for yourself?" John demanded.

Cameron was done here. It was clear that John did not appreciate her and all her personal sacrifice for him.

"Everyone sacrifices for John Connor." Cameron said and walked away.

Now they were both upset and angry at each other. They both went off to 'reload' so they could have a bigger fight when they saw each other again.

John Henry came across some future Gray and Skynet related targets. They organized some strike missions against them. River volunteered to accompany Cameron and the team on them. She wanted to use and hone her specialized skills. If she worked with the Resistance she had a 'license to kill'. No one on her ship would ever know what she'd done or learned here.

Cameron would not allow it. She became very protective of River and everyone saw it and knew what it meant, even John.

"She has her own life to return to." Cameron said. "We can not damage her timeline by having something happen to her in this one. She must remain safe until I can return her to where she belongs"

River said she wanted to help their cause and save 'their future' from the future Cameron came from. River did extensive research with John Henry on what the future Cameron was created in was like. She wanted to help this timeline avoid that.

River knew what really bothered Cameron and let it slide.

No matter how Cameron tried to fight it in herself, she could not. The feelings kept growing and expanding….

Cameron knew she was in love and in love - bad….

She always tried to scan River to see what her responses were but River always avoided the scans as she knew they were coming before she could do them. It would always frustrate Cameron not to 'KNOW'.

River did not want to influence Cameron or give her false hope. She did not want to hurt Cameron. She did not want to destroy Cameron's life and future here where she belonged.

There was a lot of tension from everyone involved.

River enjoyed spending time with the machines. She found them delightful to interact with. Being around the machines was more comfortable to River than being around people. The machines were all so straight forward and honest. They were organized and logical, they existed with order. They gave her clarity since they were usually almost always sincere.

All the machines sought River out for interaction. They enjoyed solving problems or playing games with her. They even seemed to like just being around her. The machines wondered why all humans could not be like River. Life would be so much simpler and orderly.

River sought out Cameron. Cameron was special to her. Everything about Cameron fascinated and inspired River. River knew she would be able to be sent back soon. River wanted to please Cameron.

"Hello, Cameron." River said.

"Hello, River." Cameron said.

The two girls exchanged quick glances. They both felt a twinge inside. They both knew what it was….

"I'll be going home soon." River said.

Cameron knew this was going to be bad news.

"I know." Cameron said.

It was what Cameron feared.

"I can't stay for what you would like me to do for John and you." River said. "I know it is what you want most, well wanted most 'before'. I am not ready for 'that'. I am not ready for either one of those things."

Cameron tried to keep a brave face.

"I understand." Cameron said.

River knew she didn't. Cameron was still fixated on what she wanted.

"Do you?" River asked.

Cameron wanted more. Why can't she have some happiness for once?"

"No." Cameron said.

Cameron looked at River.

There was something that she needed to make clear.

Cameron needed to say it. She knew River already knew but she NEEDED to say it.

"I want to go with you." Cameron said. "River, I want to go with YOU."

River knew what Cameron wanted. Maybe it wasn't too different from what she wanted. Cameron was needed here and she wanted to go home. Love was about sacrifice and sometimes when you loved someone you needed to let go of them for their own benefit.

"Cameron, you have a destiny to fulfill and a future to protect." River said "Your life is here, with John."

Cameron felt just the opposite about herself and her involvement with this timeline.

"I am a cancer to John and his life." Cameron said. "I am a cancer to this timeline and my own."

River knew that was not true even if that was what Cameron believed.

"You are not." River said.

Cameron was devastated.

"I am." Cameron said.

River said nothing.

Cameron wanted to justify her 'escape'.

"I am disrupting the 'Natural Order' of events, here." Cameron said. "I want to go."

River knew the truth. She knew the truth from everyone.

"Cameron, there is no one here who does not love or respect you, human or machine." River said.

Not everything was how Cameron wanted it.

"River, you can 'read me'. Is that 'good enough' for me to be here?" Cameron asked.

River did know the truth as to what Cameron felt and believed. It was very sad.

"No." River said.

Cameron looked around and waived her arm.

"I can not make anyone here understand. I have advanced beyond all 'this'." Cameron said.

River felt that was part of the struggle in her life.

"I know. I feel the same way." River said. "I can not share my mind with you as you can with me, Cameron. I am sorry about that. I really wish I could."

Cameron liked what was there. She felt it could be more.

"You can share enough." Cameron said. "I believe I can be modified so we can 'link' our thoughts continuously."

There were many things the same and many things were different. It would be a beautiful experience in any case.

"You can establish 'order' better than I can." River said. "I would be at a disadvantage. I need to rest sometimes. I am still a 'girl' really. You are a 'woman'."

There was a worse sad truth that Cameron knew.

"I am a machine, River. I am not 'real'. I'm a very scary robot from the future." Cameron said. "I can never be a 'real' woman."

Cameron burst into tears.

The pain with the deepest sadness and sorrow River could feel was overwhelming as she comforted Cameron.

'It Ain't Me, Babe' by ' Joan Baez', came to River's mind as she held Cameron.

Real Love

The path to unshackled freedom
For existence may not be conducive
For it does not really exist
It always remains somewhat elusive

A spurned suitor's feelings
May become physically abusive
If the time comes for that pain
You will need to remain reclusive

As you open your mind
The feeling in your heart will be conclusive
It will give you the strength
To share your ALL as something exclusive

As empty lonely hearts reach out
It is for survival not as greed or collusive
From deep within your soul
You will feel it grow obtrusive

Search, look, seek, feel
You know what is inclusive
Joy, happiness, sharing, love
May they not remain illusive

Nobody