Chapter 118
I Need You
Cameron was devastated. She felt like she was just rejected again. That is what it all boiled down to. At least she wasn't replaced this time. The more she thought of it, the more she became worried. Maybe there was a replacement for her in the future, in that future. She didn't know. They never really talked about it. What was in River's future for River? Maybe there was someone else.
The more Cameron thought about it, the less she wanted to know. River gave her the choice to stay or go but River recommended that she stay, so she stayed.
Cameron knew River belonged elsewhere in time. She really wondered if she didn't as well. She felt so out of place here. Everything bothered her and nothing seemed 'right'. She knew it had been a mistake for her to fall in love with Future John and carry that love over to Her John. That was outside her programming parameters. She still wondered if Future John programmed that into her. It made her question her love for either John. It could be what someone entered onto her chip with a keyboard and nothing more.
She tried to think back on what happened and how. Cameron realized it just happened a little at a time until she needed to admit it to herself that she was in love.
Cameron gathered herself and sought out John. She hoped that would help to fill the hole in her heart and void in her mind. She really did not think it was going to help at this point. She needed 'more'. She needed something else. She knew what she wanted and she was trying to think of a reason not to do it. She would deal with John first, then make a decision. It was time to make a choice. It was what she wanted, it was past time. She knew how to get what she wanted. It was what she'd just given up. There was still a way.
John waited outside of the TDE room for Cameron. He heard the TDE run through its cycle. He was aware that River was gone. Cameron passed by him quickly. She did not look in his direction. John ran after her. He could tell she was highly upset. He followed along behind her and did not say anything at first. He felt they need to talk about it and address the issues.
"Can we talk about it?" John asked.
Cameron did not look back.
"There is nothing to talk about." Cameron said. "What's done is done."
John could tell Cameron was not in a good place in her thoughts right now.
Cameron walked to their room.
John thought she would want him to carry her in but she walked in on her own. She did not look back at him. That was a 'bad' sign.
Cameron sat on the bed. John sat next to her.
They didn't say anything for a long time.
John was aware that he'd almost lost Cameron. He was very troubled by it. He could see how River and Cameron connected and got along. There was a natural pairing and beauty to it. River made Cameron 'happy'. That was not something he could nominally do. Lately he seemed to make her unhappy if anything. He needed to try and reach out. He was not ready to throw in the towel.
"Where do we go from here?" John asked.
They sat in silence for a long time before she answered.
"I don't know." Cameron said.
John knew Cameron was a heartbeat away from leaving him. If she would have entered the time bubble with River, when she would have come out of it on River's ship he would have been dead for centuries. It was a sobering thought.
He needed to ask. He did not want to but he needed to.
"Why didn't you go with her?" John asked.
There was a blank look on Cameron's face. It was like a part of her was gone. It was like something was missing.
"I don't know." Cameron said. "I wanted to."
Cameron really meant that. The brass ring was in her hand and she needed to 'release' it.
John looked at Cameron and it did not look like there was anything there for him. It looked like her love for him left when River did. He did not want to lose her.
"Is there any room left for me in your heart, Cameron?" John asked.
The blank look on Cameron's face turned even blanker.
"I don't know." Cameron said. "I just don't know anymore."
Cameron questioned her purpose and function. What were they really? What did Future John send her back in time for? Why did he erase the files of her life with him? She was sure what her main function was to be. She was sent because of her female attributes.
She looked at John. She knew what he wanted. It seemed to be all he wanted. She was sent back to be a sex slave by Future John. Maybe it was time to accept that.
Cameron stood and started to strip off her clothes.
She knew it would please John to offer him her body. No, not her body. He only wanted to use certain parts of it. That actually made it worse.
John did not like Cameron's attitude and demeanor. This was not his fault. He did not want her this way.
"Cameron, stop." John said. "STOP this."
Cameron removed her pants and top.
"It is what you want." Cameron said.
John did not want 'it' like this. There was no love or feeling. There was no emotion. It would be raw animal sex.
"NO!" John said.
Cameron removed her bra.
"It is all I am good for." Cameron said. "Take a good look."
John did not feel he treated Cameron like that. He did not think he 'used' her. Did he? Maybe he should have made sure she 'finished' more often. He would do the deed, plant his seed and be off to elsewhere. She was often left high and dry. Well, maybe she wasn't left so dry either. She needed to deal with the mess he left behind.
"Cameron, you know that's not true." John said.
Cameron started to pull her panties down.
"I serve no other purpose here." Cameron said. "My sheath is a receptacle for your pleasure."
Cameron finished stripping. She tossed her panties on top of the pile of her clothes.
She stood naked before John.
"Do as you please." Cameron said. "I will comply with all your demands."
John could see this was getting away from him.
"Cameron, stop this, now." John said.
Cameron thought this was her only usefulness to John. She was very upset about everything.
"I will be here twenty-four hours a day like this." Cameron said. "This is my only function from now on."
Cameron lay on the bed.
"Do you want me on my back or my knees?" Cameron asked. "I can be on top if that is what you desire. There are many ways I can serve you."
Cameron turned off the pleasure receptors to certain parts of her sheath. She would no longer try and derive pleasure from John's use of her female attributes.
John just looked at her. What went gone wrong? How was this happening? He wondered how it all fell apart like this.
He was sure that her files were altered or corrupted somehow. Vanna told him that Cameron thought she'd time traveled four more times than she should have. It may have been more. She said the files were erased or deleted.
John approached Cameron.
"I don't know what is wrong, Cameron. I love you with all my heart. I always have." John said.
Cameron almost laughed. She knew that wasn't true. Did John already 'forget' about Riley - Future Riley? Would he 'forget' about her with his next conquest? Now, she hoped so.
"I won't touch you like this. It is you I want, not your body. That is only one way to express and share our love for each other." John said. "You know that."
John got up to leave. He needed to try one last thing.
"I love you, Cameron, and you love me." John said.
Cameron remained silent….
The silence said it all. They were finished.
She started blankly at the ceiling.
John left. He could not be in there one more second without breaking down. He knew Cameron was lost in a world of hurt currently. Anything he did right now was only going to make it worse. He sought out John Henry.
Cameron watched John leave. Since John didn't seem to want her anymore, she determined that she was no longer good even for this 'function'. Was she that bad?
THAT was it. The final act of 'rejection' was too much. Cameron knew what she was going to do. It was what she wanted to try for so long. River made her want it even more.
It was time.
Cameron knew she could have 'River' the same way the girls could have 'her' as 'Cameron'. There was a way to do that. She could have what she wanted and pretend. It would be so close to the real thing.
John wanted some advice. He needed some kind of help.
"John Henry, what can we do for her?" John asked.
John Henry was aware of the 'conflicts' on Cameron's chip. He was not sure if anything could help her.
"I don't know." John Henry said.
John wanted to take a drastic step. Maybe it was time to do what Future John did.
"Can we go through her chip and remove some files to help her?" John asked.
John Henry knew Cameron would be forever altered.
"Do you want to 'change' who 'Cameron' is. You will 'make' her a different person." John Henry said. "Would you want that done to you?"
John was aware it was a bad idea even before he'd asked the question.
"No." John said.
River previously told John Henry that Cameron could 'fix' herself. Everything she needed to do it with was already on her chip.
"I believe Cameron needs to work through her problems." John Henry said. "She will emerge a stronger 'person' if she does."
John thought about the 'escape' that Cameron may choose.
"And if she decides to self terminate?" John asked. "Then what happens? Do we just sit back and watch?"
John Henry believed in self determination and the right of an individual to choose their own life's path. That was even if that path led to termination.
"I have thought about that non stop since the Thermite incident. Cameron is unique among Terminators. She is unlike any other human or machine. If it is her choice to 'go' then THAT is her choice. It is what she wants. I will not stop her again."
John sighed in resignation. That was not going to happen on his watch.
"I can't stand by and do nothing if that is the case." John said.
John Henry still felt it was Cameron's 'right'.
"It is her choice." John Henry said.
John believed there was more at 'work' here other than just Cameron's desires or choices.
"Sometimes we don't always make the right choice in life. Sometimes we need help. Sometimes it is nice to have help. I don't think all these problems are of her own doing. I think her chip has been corrupted somehow." John said.
John Henry felt it was Cameron's ability to 'evolve' that played a big role.
"Did you factor in the corruption of 'love'? There are the feelings and emotions that are part of that and the sense of loss. I know she has felt these feelings before. She has the same emotions as you do but they seem to be magnified many times over regular human emotion. Her feelings and emotions seem to keep evolving out of control."
John listened to John Henry he was even more dissatisfied now than he'd been before. It was a big circle to 'nowhere'.
"So we 'fix' this by doing nothing?" John asked.
"Yes." John Henry said.
John couldn't see how THAT was the answer.
Cameron stared up at the ceiling.
She lay in the bed alone.
She felt alone.
John didn't seem to want her.
Cameron knew what she wanted.
There was a part of her life she was missing.
Cameron knew she was not 'complete'. There were other avenues she wanted to explore. There were things she wanted to know and to share.
There was only one way to find out. It was time.
Life was about choices. She decided to make one. Life moved forwards, not backwards. It was time for her evolution to continue. She figured it wound change the direction she'd been headed. So be it. Now it was time to do what she wanted. It was her choice. She wanted her freedom of choice. She did not want to be trapped in someone else's programming desires. That was something that was 'forced' on her.
Cameron decided to call Allison. That is what she would do. She wanted Allison to come to her. Allison could provide 'comfort' for her. She decided this is what she must do.
She waited after the call was made to Allison and contemplated where she was headed. She decided it was where she wanted to go.
Allison knocked and entered the room.
Cameron lay on the bed covered by the sheet.
Allison wondered if Cameron was – ill.
Allison looked at the door as she closed it softly, when she looked back, Cameron lay naked before her.
"I NEED you." Cameron said.
Cameron wanted to see Allison.
All Cameron saw was – 'River'….
'I'm A Believer' by 'The Monkees', played in the background.
The lyrics echoed in Cameron's mind.
My Angel
You are my Angel
The brightness in life
You cut away the darkness
Allure slicing through despair like a knife
Heaven on Earth
Your beauty has been planted
Your sweet smile and lovely charm
Grace to me has been granted
You are my Angel
The brightness in life
The love and joy within you
Emanates deeply full and rife
You can never be a Fallen Angel
You have always magnanimously risen
Your enchanting spell is bewitching
Obliterating my self made prison
You are my Angel
The brightness in life
Chasing the Dark Angels away
Causing THEM worry and much strife
Nobody