Chapter 3: In the Face of Evil
It wasn't the smell of the bodies beside him or the steadily growing sound of buzzing that jarred Inuyasha awake two days later. It was the burning sensation in his bladder.
"Kaaaaa-gooooo-meeeee!" he bellowed, "Daddy's god' go pee-pee nowwwww!" Regardless of whether Kagome heard or not, he didn't wait for her- he started going before he was finished with the sentence, "Uh-Aghhhh," he moaned as his uncontrolled boloney pony shot back and forth, spraying all over the place like a wild fire hose. He reached out slowly with his meatloaf arms, trying to grab a hold of it, but the distance between his finger tips and his man-hose was blocked by 600 pounds of flubber.
Fourteen minutes later, the stream ceased leaving Inuyasha in a puddle of his fluids. It was about this time that he noticed that he was no longer in his bedroom, where he passed out earlier- he was down in the basement. Looking up he saw a hole in the ceiling with a 15 foot diameter. The edge of his bed was half leaning over the edge. He had fallen through the floor. He continued to assess his current situation and looked to the left and right of him. The dead bodies of Miroku and his hoes were strewn about the basement floor, covered with Inuyasha's defecation and swarming flies.
Inuyasha took this in as if it was as something that happened everyday.
"God, how did flies get in here- fuck." As he stirred, the dozens of flies that had congregated on him in the last few minutes all dispersed temporarily as they became aware that he actually wasn't one of the dead bodies.
It was now that Inuyasha was ready to tackle an everyday adventure for him- getting up. It began with him bellowing out – "Blleeaargghhhhh, Giiyyeeearrghaaa!" and swing his arms back and forth wildly. This caused gas built up in his rolls of fat to escape in green fart like bursts. So as he was screaming and swinging his arms back and forth, farts were going off all over his body like Britain's 101st Royal Airforce was dropping a rain of explosives on Berlin. Except Berlin was smaller.
It was a solid sixteen hours before Inuyasha got the top half of his body far enough forward that he could use his stomach as a fulcrum to push his face down, and raise his feet up. At this stage is was just a matter of teetor-tottering back and forth enough so that he could swing his body into an upright position. There was an added challenge in the fact that he had covered the floor with 2 inches of urine, which made this ordeal one filled with bubbly splashing.
It was times like these that really tested the spirit of this former demon hunter- but there was no doubt that the spirit was still there. He had gotten himself to a standing position, and had done so without the help of the good for nothing bitch Kagome who was nowhere to be found- she certainly never responded to Inuyasha's urination SOS. In any case, accomplishments like this came at a price-
"I gotta shit…" Inuyasha uttered slowly, "bad…" Knowing that he would never make it up the stairs in time relieve himself, Inuyasha realized that he would have the kill this particular demon somewhere in the basement. Glancing around, he noticed something particularly peculiar hidden in the corner of the basement. Wedged behind a 20 in 1 Bo-Flex exercise machine that Inuyasha clearly forgot he owned- was a stone well- right in his basement!
"What the jumpin' jack fuck is a magic well doin' in my basement?" he said in an offended tone. "This makes less sense than Evan-fucking-gelion." He did his usual flailing waddle from one corner of the basement to the other. After three steps he vomited on himself explosively. Pushing the Bo-Flex out of the way, Inuyasha finally found himself standing in front of a well that looked so much like the magical ones he had come across on his many adventures.
"Well, it's not Kagome's face, but it'll have to do." He pulled his pants down and positioned his hershey hole over the pitch black darkness of the well which seemed to drop off into infinity.
"Gyyyyeaeeeeaaaargh!" The chaotic sound of anal explosions echoed throughout the basement, like a midnight German blitzkrieg.