Author's Notes: I'm back! I am extremely sorry. My apologies can only be expressed through my words of this chapter. Please ENJOY! Please REVIEW to tell me how I'm doing. Thank you so much to my reviewers and readers! Your support gets me through! I hope you all like it...
Disclaimer: Sadly, RK is not mine to own.
chap. 14 - falling
He was falling through a dark hole that had no bottom... Faults and demons fought within him, fighting to surface, but he could barely remember where he was and what was happening.
There was no light.
Foggy recollections and blurred images swam around him in a confusing dance that made him dizzy.
He fell...
Faster and faster still...
Spinning and spinning and falling...
Awaken.
Prickles of green and blue dots exploded beneath his closed eyelids, and he fought the warm pain trembling at the back of his head. Coming to, he felt dazed and unaware, unable to remember...
What...?
Gently, slowly, and painfully, he creaked his eyes open; however, only a black world greeted him.
There was no light.
What...?
Confused, he blinked again, and the green and blue lights flashed, then diminished as his eyes strained to see. He was enveloped in a pure, pitch darkness he could find no end to, and he struggled to find the slightest hint of a crack, a crevice, a shadow.
Panic welled inside him, a thousand questions flooding his mind and sending his pounding head upward, alive with the vigorous rush of blood that filled him with nausea.
The surface beneath him felt warm and comfortable, but sticky and sickly. Trying hard to concentrate, he squinted, but still could not see a thing.
"Calm down," came a voice, distant and soft, "It's okay."
His head turned sharply in an attempt to locate the voice, but he was only greeted with darkness.
"Lie back down, Sano. Your body can't take too much stress." The voice spoke again, with a vague familiarity that sent goosebumps crawling on his skin.
Sano. Sanosuke. Yes, that was his name. Memories and recollections came swarming at him in a rush, and suddenly he knew who he was and what had happened and who that voice belonged to...
"Megumi." Not a question or statement, but a single word ushered from his mouth with bitter-sweet honey that stung his soul.
"Lie back," she repeated, not acknowledging his recognition.
He obeyed, slowly leaning backwards with uneasy precaution. His mind felt clouded and full, stuffed with a confusion he couldn't sort.
"Why is it so dark?" A simple, innocent question filled with a mere curiosity.
"It isn't." A reply short of impatience.
"I -- But --"
A hesitation and a buzz that filled the air with millions of invisible, intangible emotions, stifling the thickened air.
"Sano --" The hesitation again. "You lost your vision."
He thought he had gone deaf. "What?"
"You're blind. You were struck with something on the back of your head. Add the gunshot on your leg and the blade wound on your side, and your body was almost incapable of handling the stress." Her voice was quiet and mechanical, and he could not place the emotion laced with her words.
Yet he could not swallow her words, couldn't understand them. Not here, not now. Too much was being thrown at him like a storm of speeding bullets. Where was he among the chaos? With difficulty, raspy words left through his gritted teeth,
"For how long? Am I to be blind for the rest of my life...for a week, a month, a year?"
Pause. "I don't know."
Something caught in his throat, and he remained silent. Until...
"How?...How am I here? Where is here?" A sudden urgency told him he needed to know, and the odd silence was no comfort.
"Your men," she replied in compliance, "They saw you knocked unconscious and bleeding severely so they abandoned the fight and found me. I wasn't going to treat you, but..." She trailed off and retreated to the black world that surrounded him.
"And where are we?" He stared at where he thought she was sitting.
"At my home. We're still in Canton."
"Where are my men?" His throat burned with thirst, but he chose to ignore it.
"They are all here, in my home," she responded mechanically, "You have been out for a good three days, and I have spent that time treating them as well as you."
He could not see her face, but he was sure it was full of bitter sorrow and apathy. Biting his lip, he asked one last question, "Can I go to my men?"
"No," she answered, "But they may visit you." He heard her stand up, the ruffled edges of her kimono rustling in the silence. He felt the muffled vibrations of her footsteps pound against the wooden floor. Slowly, the sound diminished, and he was left with himself.
"Captain," a familiar, deep voice echoed in the caverns of his swarming mind. The floor beneath Sanosuke trembled with fierce vibrations as many other presences added to the voice.
Grimacing, Sano slowly sat up, feeling the soft, cotton covers crumpling in his lap. Briefly, he rested his head in his hand, leaning heavily into his palm before looking up at his men.
Giichi, the voice, flinched as his Captain looked up. The Captain's eyes were filled with an eerie emptiness, a blank, glazed-over look that made him avoid his stare. Mingled with his original eye color of brown, a milky-white was subtly mixed in, as if someone had spilled a glass of milk in his eyes and had forgotten to wipe up the running mess. Giichi recovered and shifted his broken leg to a more comfortable position.
"Report, Giichi." The Captain's voice came succinct and business-like, strictly getting to the point.
"Sir?" Giichi started, unsure of what the Captain was asking for.
"Report on the war, Giichi. Casualties, deaths, current events, and progress." Captain Sagara blinked, his gaze fixed on some faraway place.
Giichi did not reply right away, but instead waited with a bated breath, all the while wishing he were not the one to tell the Captain everything that had happened. He looked hopelessly about him at his fellow companions, and they stared back with sympathetic glances.
"We...China lost the war, Sir," Giichi uttered slowly, "We were beaten very badly, Sir. Great Britain's warships far out-matched our junks, and Commissioner Lin took Great Britain too lightly. We were crushed."
"Crushed?" echoed Sano.
"Yessir. A little after we left the battlefield, the battle was over."
"And why did you leave in the first place!" Sano asked angrily, suddenly irritated with Giichi's lack of pride, "That was strictly against orders, and --"
"With all due respect...Captain," Giichi interjected loudly, forcefully, "I wasn't there, and from what I heard, you weren't in a position to be giving orders, and..." Giichi trailed off uncomfortably.
Sanosuke felt the hesitation, and something told him Giichi wasn't revealing all. Blinking furiously, he suddenly wished he could see Giichi and the rest of his men to make his oncoming lecture more effective...
"Sir..." Giichi whispered softly.
Maybe it was Giichi's sincerity or lack of flattery and sarcasm. Or maybe it was because of the abrupt and extremely somber atmosphere that had settled. Whatever the case, Sanosuke lost all thoughts of anger and closed his eyes as he strained his ears to listen.
"Blood was everywhere, Sir," Giichi began, "Or so I was told. But when I got to the battle, it was no exaggeration."
"And why were you there in the first place?" Sano interrupted, not understanding how Giichi could possibly know if he had been at the camp with Hoji the entire time...
"Please, Sir," Giichi responded quietly, "Just let me tell you what's been happening."
Grudgingly, Sanosuke remained silent and tried to imagine the empathetic expression on Giichi's face that may have matched his tone of voice.
There was a pause as Giichi put his thoughts together, then spoke,
"Hoji was restless the moment you all left for the battle at Pearl River. He kept insisting he was fine, and that he wanted to fight. I told him, No, he couldn't, and that he would be going against your orders if he went to fight.
"'To hell with orders,' he said to me, his face flushed with anger. He stumbled on his feet and began to hobble towards a horse.
"I tried to stop him, Sir, I truly did, but he pulled a handgun he must've kept hidden somewhere and threatened to blow my brains out. He actually pointed the thing at me and cocked it, that damn bastard."
Giichi stopped, as if remember what happened next, and Sano offered no comments.
"I followed him, though," Giichi continued, "I saddled myself a horse and rode through the city following him, my right leg 'bout ready to fall off.
"I don't know how the hell he did it, but that stubborn ass actually got a junk and joined the battle.
"I stood there and watched, dumbfounded and lost for any thought or common sense that would tell me what to do. I couldn't go after him -- there were no ships left -- and I sure as hell couldn't fight myself.
"It was painful to watch. I stood there and watched Great Britain beat the crap outta us. It was a gruesome defeat, and it was a violent battle. The nosie was incredible, and the cannons shattered our defenses as if they were paper dolls. Blood was everywhere, in the river and on debris, and it painted our hulls red. Later I was told that our army was not only fighting the British, but we were also fighting sections of the Chinese soldiers who recognized us as the wanted army.
"But a little after, the ship Matashi had gotten us floated toward shore, shakily bouncing off the port before they got it tied properly.
"And then they carried you off-board, Sir, and you sure as hell weren't a pretty sight -- a gunshot wound, a sabre cut, and a nasty size lump on the back of your head that was turning an abnormal greenish-yellow color. You were losing blood fast, and everyone was in a panic.
"Well, bless Kami-sama, we found exactly the right person. Call it fate or call it luck, I say you're one damn lucky bastard..." There was a pause. "Sorry Sir.
"But we found your lady friend. That doctor. She was standing there on the port watching us and the battle. We told our situation, and she didn't seem too happy, but she agreed to treat you.
"So that's how we came to be here. But the moment we got here, there were three people we couldn't find: Matashi, Ayako...and Hoji, Sir.
"We soon realized Ayako had been captured by Chinese army officials, and she was scheduled for execution. We formed a small rescue party and went to try and rescue her, but we failed.
"They found us, Sir, and forced us to watch as they marched Ayako to the execution block. They made us watch her kneel. They made us watch her lean forward. And they made us watch as the blade fell and ended her life."
A small stab of pain entered Sano's heart as he remembered her last words to him, the words that had forced him to remember. But he did not say anything.
"However," Giichi kept talking, "she never once flinched, and she died with honor. We expected the government to kill us or imprison us, but instead they let us go, pushing us to the ground as they laughed and mocked us, telling us this is what they did to betraying pigs. To them, it became a sort of man-hunt -- and they gave us a sort of lead."
Anger tore at Sanosuke's being, and an overwhelming sadness stifled the bellow he wished to unleash. He choked and knew there was more -- Giichi had not even mentioned Matashi and Hoji's fate yet.
As if reading his mind, Giichi began to speak again, this time his voice shaking, "Matashi died in battle, as did Hoji. They both refused to leave the battlefield, and as a result...well... Don't get mad at us for being cowards, Sir. We did what we thought was right, and Matashi and Hoji did what they stubbornly wanted to do. Other than those three..." Giichi gulped, finding his voice, "deaths, there were only casualties. Yours being the most severe. As a whole, Commissioner Lin has been dismissed from his post as Imperial Commissioner and exiled. That is all." Giichi finished, his throat parched and scratchy, an uneasy expression plastered on his face.
There was a long silence. Nobody spoke; nobody moved. It was not that time had stopped, but that it had slowed. So much so that a second seemed like a century, and two seemed like an eternity.
Then...
"Leave," Sanosuke breathed quietly.
"What?" Giichi replied, flabbergasted, unsure of what he had just heard. Behind him, there were murmurs of incredulous disbelief.
"You heard me," Sano said, the darkness seemingly becoming darker to him, "I am no Captain. Who the hell was I kidding when I started this? My dreams? Damn, it's my dreams that's getting everyone hurt or killed." His voice never rose above a whisper, and the images of Hoji, Matashi, Ayako, and...Megumi all came to mind.
"B-but Sir --" Hoji stuttered.
"Don't call me 'Sir.'" Sanosuke responded forcefully, "Or 'Captain' or any other title of respect. I am no leader, and I'm especially not yours."
His voice died in the shadows that surrounded him, but he knew they were all standing there, unsure of what to do.
"So leave," Sanosuke repeated quietly, "Leave China, leave here, leave Canton. You're all wanted criminals now, so better to split up. Start over again in a place where no one knows you and where no one can find you. Leave my foolish mistake here and --"
"Run away?" came a voice, "You're telling us to run?"
"No," Sano responded, "Just leave your past behind you."
"What? Like you?" Giichi asked with a slightly hurt voice reeking with sarcasm, "I heard your story and why you left Japan. You want us all to be fools and follow in your footsteps?"
Sanosuke knew Giichi was hurt, but tried not to acknowledge it, "Do what you want."
There was that silence again, before Sanosuke cleared his throat and spoke, "Listen, it's not that I'm giving up --"
"Damn well sounds like you are."
Sanosuke ignored the words, "I don't want anyone else hurt...and I don't want to make any more mistakes. I'm done. We all knew we'd have to part ways, and believe me, I didn't want it to be now. But you have to know when enough is enough...And we have been through enough. No one should have to go through what we have experienced, but we can't do anything about that now. All we can do is rectify our mistakes with bigger accomplishments, and you all will never do that if you stay with me.
"So out of hard love and respect, I'm telling you all to go. Take my advice and our experiences and put them to good use."
Sano had no idea if they were listening to him, but when he heard a forced sigh, he knew they had drank in every word.
"Fine," someone said, "Sounds reasonable to me. But Sano, you can't always avoid mistakes and the past can't always be buried. So..." The man walked up to his former-Captain and fell to his knees, sinking in a low bow that Sano could not see, but could feel with every one of his other senses.
The man rose, his voice prideful and memorable, and he uttered his last words to Sano: "As you say in Japan: I say sayonara and arigato gozaimasu to my Captain."
Each man, in turn, did the same until there was silence once again, and every one of them had shuffled out, walking out of Sanosuke's life for forever...
...or at least until the bloody sun of war set, and the night of peace blanketed them, bringing them together once again.
Within the next few days, every one of Sanosuke's former soldiers had recovered and packed up, and the steady trickle of men crossed across the threshold of the outside world and never returned. They did not say another farewell to their Captain, for they knew that their good-bye's had long since been uttered.
And pretty soon, only Sanosuke remained, lying on the same bed that he had awoken in, feeling better after a couple of days. He still could not see, but physically, he was recovering. Megumi only appeared to him when she dressed his wounds or brought him food, but even then, she did not say a word. And he made no move to initiate any sort of conversation. He needed his time, to gather his thoughts and to gather his feelings, and knew she needed the same.
On one such occasion when Megumi sat by his side, she spoke the first words that she had spoken in a long time, "You were a little harsh, don't you think?" Her tone was even and compressed, and Sanosuke could tell she was doing a good job suppressing her true thoughts.
He felt her hand on his side, tightly wrapping his closing wound. He smiled a faint smile at the face he could not see and took his time to respond, "What are you talking about?"
She pulled at the cloth, knocking the air out of him, "Your men. You simply kicked them out without reason."
"I had a reason."
"None that I could see. Except perhaps that you were afraid of your mistakes."
"I was."
She knotted the bandage.
"I am."
She rinsed her hands out in a basin at her side, then wiping them dry on her kimono. She was silent again.
Several more days passed, and the same happened. No words passed between them; he was recovering, she was quiet. But every time Sanosuke heard a thump resonate across the room, his heart jumped and his eyes quivered, still straining to see what was no longer visible to him -- hoping in a screaming silence that it would be her coming back to talk to him.
But it never was.