Chapter 164

Great Pretender

Cameron was troubled by many things and her interaction with others often left something to be desired. Sometimes she was glad to be around John or the girls. Allison, Vanna and Jesse were always there for her. It was her actions towards them that bothered her. She did not always treat them like friends.

She was not sure if that was her fault or the fault of some of the programming from Future John. Maybe it was both. Maybe it was neither. No, it must be her fault.

There was one person who she could always count on. They touched her 'heart' in a way she could not describe. It was not like her love for John or the girls. It was something more. It was something deeper and more profound. It was something beautiful. It was Savannah that reached her on a different level.

Cameron wanted to check the Resistance operations throughout the area. She received a pleasant surprise.

"Hello, Cameron." Savannah said.

Cameron smiled. She was thrilled to see Savannah. She was dressed in the clothes she'd picked out for her.

"Hello, Savannah. You look beautiful." Cameron said.

Savannah wondered if she was. People told her she was pretty but she thought that Cameron was really pretty. She did not think she could ever be as pretty as Cameron. She also knew that Cameron's true beauty was inside her, her program.

"Thank you." Savannah said. "You're always a ravishing beauty."

Cameron smiled to hear Savannah say that about her. She'd scanned her many times. It was what Savannah believed. They weren't just words. That spoken truth made her feel better about herself.

"You look really cute in your outfit." Cameron said. "Did you say 'hello' to John today?"

Savannah was going to do that. It was what Cameron always wanted her to do. Cameron always wanted John to 'notice' her.

"Vanna always wants me to wear more clothing and 'cover up'." Savannah said. "I told her there is 'nothing' to cover up. She said that could make it even worse. I'm not sure how."

Cameron knew what Vanna referred to and was worried about. It was what happened to her in the future and it started when she was younger than Savannah was now. It exposed men at their lowest and cruelest level with what was done to Vanna over the years.

"You can go with me today." Cameron said. "I promised no one will bother you and Vanna will not need to worry."

Savannah was thrilled at the prospect of spending the day with Cameron. This sounded like it would be more than survival training. Sarah always tried to put a limit on what training Cameron scheduled for her. Sarah or one of the girls would go with them sometimes. Those were the easy training sessions. When she was alone with Cameron they were always more challenging and harder. She really needed to work hard sometimes but she always did. Cameron was always right there if she needed her. Cameron would have her work out the problems herself. She liked when Jesse went with them too. Jesse was different from everyone else, even if she was the same. It was more than her exotic look or lovely accent. There was strength and determination there. She could always bring out the smiles and laughter in Jesse. She did that for all of the girls and Sarah too.

Cameron went with Savannah and visited the Details. Savannah spoke with each of the Terminators one at a time. She wanted to know if they needed anything or if there were any problems. She listened to what each one said. They were more likely to tell her of an issue as opposed to anyone else. That was because Savannah really cared. If there was ever an issue she made sure it was resolved. She did not let up until it was. If she told someone, Metal or human that she would do or take care of something she always followed through and delivered.

She watched Savannah interact with the Terminators. Savannah would reach out and gently touch their cheek or the back of their hand. It seemed to have an effect on every one of the Terminators. There was a personal bond there that developed between all of them and Savannah. None of the other humans shared that special bond with the Terminators. Then again it seemed that Savannah also had a special bond with the humans as well. She knew the future held an even more special bond for John and Savannah….

Cameron knew Savannah would be a great leader in the Resistance one day. She would be a leader and she would be at John side.

She KNEW Savannah would fulfill every one of her promises. Savannah promised her everything she wanted for John. Savannah also promised her something for John and her when she was 'older'. It was the one thing she could not provide for John.

Cameron scanned Savannah again as they walked and smiled. Savannah was the greatest.

It was clear to Cameron that Savannah was the 'Chosen One'.

It was only a matter of time until some version of Skynet returned.

Like a 'Jack In The Box', it popped back up.

'Game On.' John Henry thought.

He was ready. Preparations never stopped to meet the future threat. Cameron made sure of that. He called John to the Command Center.

John arrived very quickly. He'd noted the urgency in John Henry's voice.

"I've detected possible Skynet activity." John Henry said.

John dreaded this day. It was bound to happen sooner or later. He would rather have it in the present where they could fight it, instead of in the past. Maybe it was there now too. Who knew how many timelines there were at this point?

"Where's it at?" John asked. "How much is there?"

Cameron and Savannah returned to the base. Savannah reaffirmed all that was good in life and that the war against Skynet was worth fighting. It also made Cameron think of her own short comings and transgressions. There were many and after being with Savannah, they all made her feel 'bad' about herself.

Cameron was deeply bothered by her lie to Allison. She wanted to come clean and tell her the truth. She wanted both Allison and Vanna to consummate their physical relationship with John too. It coursed through her to have John mate with Allison and Vanna. It was a drive she could not control. She was torn with what to do. She reflected she still played to win and didn't play fair. She viewed that as a character flaw rather than programming. She knew her moral compass was weak. She'd fallen in love with Vanna and Allison and head over heals for River. She also realized she was strongly attached to John Henry and Holly from sharing her 'existence' with them, her very mental self. She'd shared nearly everything that makes a person 'themselves'.

None of these relationships ever became physical but with the girls they could have and almost did. Somehow that did not bother Cameron. It was true what she said. Since she was incapable of reproduction, it did not matter if her mate or mates were male, female or machine. Love was blind.

Cameron loved John. Did she love him because Future Allison loved him – Future John? Maybe her love for Future John was Future Allison's love for him but what about Her John, Her Husband? Did she love John because he was Future John but only younger?

It troubled Cameron to no end not to know. Why did it hurt her so much to have Riley take him from her? WHY? Was it because she was rejected for being 'herself'? Why did it make her feel like trash? It made her feel like something someone throws away. It made her feel 'not good enough'? It left her with the feeling of being - Nobody.

It disturbed her so. Cameron felt like an outsider. Her first poem 'Outsider' flashed before her time and time again. She hardly knew Her Future adult Savannah. She knew Future John and Future Allison both loved Future Savannah. Then it hit her, Future Allison loved Future Savannah too. Maybe she felt Future Allison's love for Her John AND Vanna? That bothered her now too. She also loved Future Allison and Her Allison. Did she love them because they loved themselves? Did she love Future Allison or Her Allison because Future John did?

Cameron felt a strong 'bond' with young Savannah as well. She tried to understand where her feelings came from. WHY? Was her 'love' programmed into her?

Maybe she did not love at all. Maybe it was only programming to make her think she could love. Maybe everything was programmed into her. Maybe nothing was. There must be some way to know.

What about River?

River was the first 'new' person she loved on her own, well Duplicate Cameron loved her anyway. Cameron still did not understand that. She now shared those same feelings but they were not actually hers. They WERE her feelings now since all her programming and files were combined.

Future Allison did not know of River's existence. Cameron knew she did not love River because of Future Allison. Future John did not program THAT into her.

Duplicate Cameron could not manipulate or lie to River. Maybe that is what she liked, she needed to be 'real'. She needed to be honest. She needed to be 'herself'. She could be herself. She embraced the feelings of Duplicate Cameron as her own, after all, they were 'her own' even if not they were not actually her own.

Cameron wondered if she would ever leave John for River. She was given the chance but she was still here. Then again that was her Duplicate self that fell for River, not her, even though she shared those files as if they were her own, now.

She knew circumstances can drive people together or apart. If Duplicate Cameron met River under different circumstance, would the feelings still have developed? The TDE would still work into the future. Cameron knew the information from when she sent River back to her future. Why was she still here? Did she love John more? She did not think so. She could live her life with John and then go to River after his death. Hopefully that death would be from old age in the future. She could live her life with John and then join River moments after she'd left the Resistance base in River's future. She could literally follow River into the future and live a second life….

Cameron felt she'd already done this sometimes. She felt she'd lived her life over and over but she did not have other memories of River. It was only of her life 'repeating'. Cameron felt as if she manipulated herself out of true happiness. It was times like this she wanted her one wish.

Cameron wandered around and found herself in the storage area.

Cameron went to read the poem etched into the wall. It became a memorial in her 'death'. Terminators and humans would visit there and talk. Holly never went there when she was on her chip. She did not want to see the misery she'd caused the others. She'd forfeited her body to stop Skynet and save the rest of the people she loved. She never intended for them to follow her and be killed. Her actions killed her friends and John's baby.

Cameron stood before her poem etched into the wall and read it:

Outsider

When I look in the mirror
I do not like what I see
When I look inside of myself
I do not like what I can not be

I hate what I am
I hate what I am not
I hate everything about me
I understand that covers a lot

I feel so small
It is as if I do not exist
Useless and worthless, a Nobody
Nothing on which to subsist

I am an outsider
Always on the outside looking in
There is so much inside me
To want to share love is not a sin

From this eternal torment there is no escape
My mind, heart and soul shredded and torn
If I had only one wish it would be
Never to have been born

Cameron

AKA

Nobody

Cameron hated herself even more now for the death and hurt she'd inflicted. Why couldn't she have her one wish? WHY? She headed for her room and her poem book. She felt there was a lot more to express. Only River could understand her and she was not here. She never would be. She replayed her files from Duplicate Cameron over and over. After a while pretending almost seemed 'real'. It was her only current option.

'The Great Pretender' by 'The Platters', was what flooded Cameron's mind as she walked. She was ready to write.

Great Pretender

How does it make one feel
When they are a defender
If they are only viewed
As some type of an offender

Precious moments spent together
Love shared and delivered so tender
Is abruptly upended and avoided
Marked return to sender

The joy that once was
Is run through life's blender
Leaving one only to remember
What once was such splendor

To continue on living
It forced one to surrender
One was eager to be love's lender
The other became love's spender

To be alone with each other
There was no other contender
When that all suddenly changed
It left someone a great pretender

Nobody