Dear Reader,

I want to first say thanks for liking what I've had to write so far. The journey of pondering this story been an interesting exercise, and I'm grateful that there are people who find value in it.

I also want to apologize if you're subscribed, and you're receiving multiple notifications about this chapter getting uploaded. I tried publishing two nights ago, but immediately after, I felt I rushed into doing so—I ended up revising at least a dozen times more that night, still feeling pretty crappy about the outcome.

This chapter has been tough to write for so many reasons. But after going through it with a fresh mind, I'm more confident that this chapter is closer to what I intended—and that overall, each upload I'm putting my best foot forward.

Please enjoy!

ApolloThirteen

Nishinoya had been at the staring at his phone, his thumb hovering over the glass.

Hinata Shoyou. 2 Mutual Friends: Tanaka Ryunosuke, Rina Akiyama. Send Friend Request?

The photos were on private, but the mutual contacts confirmed it was indeed the boy he had met years ago. Nishinoya then glanced at the time at the top of the screen—realizing he hadn't made a decision in the past two minutes, he shoved his phone back into the pocket of his jacket.

Nishinoya drew another puff from his cigarette. He quit smoking about a year ago but still allowed himself to light up after a particularly stressful day at work. That shift, there had been a woman who fell down a flight of stairs and was vocally vexed to see how short Nishinoya was, mistaking him to be much younger. There was also a mother whose son was having a seizure—rushing the child to the hospital had been quite hectic.

Nishinoya let the stress leave him with each breath of smoke. Such was the nature of his job—each shift, he and another paramedic would await a call from dispatch, then they drove to the scene and ultimately adapted to the situation at hand. Sometimes patients could be cared for within their own homes. Other times they needed to be brought into the ambulance or driven to the nearest hospital.

That night, Nishinoya had been paired up with his best friend from college, Azumane Asahi. The shift had ended, and Nishinoya was already out of uniform, waiting at the bus stop in front of the hospital. It was a cool summer night, well into the wee hours of the morning. The front of the hospital was empty, save for a few people standing outside to enjoy the breeze. That summer had been hotter than in recent memory.

Azumane was walking over with his bike when he noticed the half-finished cigarette between Nishinoya's fingers. He then swiped it from the boy's hand before chucking it onto the pavement.

"Smoking kills, you know," He remarked.

Nishinoya sighed. He shot Azumane a reluctant glare, though it did nothing to affect his typically down-to-earth disposition. "So, what are you up to this weekend?"

"Not much, just gonna visit my family. What about you?"

"I have that engagement party tomorrow."

Azumane nodded. "Ah, yes, for Tanaka and Rina?"

"Yep, that's them."

"Well...are you excited?"

"A little," Nishinoya replied. "Shouldn't be too complicated, right?"

Azumane shrugged. "I wouldn't know, I've never been to one. Well, I hope you have fun."

Nishinoya smiled. "Thanks. Have a good weekend with your folks."

Azumane then donned his bike helmet. "Also, Noya?"

"Yeah?"

"He's not expecting you to be the same guy from three years ago. Don't expect it from him, either."

"I won't."

Azumane then mounted his bike and rode off into the night. Nishinoya's bus arrived shortly after.

…

A week after his high school graduation, Nishinoya flew to the States to visit his father. They spent the entire summer together, driving down the West coast, camping out in different national parks, and encountering all sorts of exotic characters along the way. By the end of the trip, Nishinoya was exhausted—though if he could have changed anything, it would have been for more time with his dad.

When he returned home, Nishinoya picked up his old job as a grocery store cashier to begin saving up for college, eventually deciding to attend night school for extra high school credits. Some time then, he sought to make amends with his old high school girlfriend, Mizuki Okemura. She was reluctant to forgive him, despite having moved on into a relationship with another boy. In lieu of such, and with all his friends out of town for college or university, Nishinoya downloaded a few dating apps to help pass the time. He met up with several girls, and, while the dates went amicably, he felt a numbing lack of chemistry between them. During that time, Nishinoya was also haunted by the boy from Mizuki's junior prom—the boy with the amber eyes. Upon realizing so, Nishinoya grew curious to seek out guys through the apps.

His first kiss with a boy had been with a college student named Iwaizuma Hajime. It was in Nishinoya's car, parked behind a bowling alley where they first spent the evening. Iwaizuma initiated, and it led to a lengthy make-out session which Nishinoya admittedly enjoyed. That was the last time he saw him—two days later, Iwaizuma confessed he had been on a committed break with another boy who ended up calling to rekindle their relationship. Nishinoya felt all the more embarrassed by the ordeal, writing it off as a curious venture rather than having any bearing on his identity. He deleted all of the dating apps from his phone shortly after.

Several months before completing his night school courses, Nishinoya visited a college fair where he met Azumane Asahi. The boy was running an information booth for a school that, coincidentally, Nishinoya was interested in attending. Several weeks later, Nishinoya sent in his application. He got his acceptance letter the following January and commenced classes in the fall.

College was initially a lonesome experience for Nishinoya—in the two years between then and his high school graduation, he hadn't spent much time making new friends his age. While he didn't mind talking with other classmates, people seemed too he felt awkward and clumsy about casual conversations, preferring to spend lunches alone in the library.

Weeks passed, and Nishinoya noticed Azumane was also a lunchtime regular at the library, always sitting by the window at the far side of the room. One day, Nishinoya mustered the courage to walk over and reintroduce himself, asking the boy out for coffee. Azumane agreed, and the two became close after that. They found they had the same music tastes and a mutual love for going to the gym—though what Nishinoya could appreciate most was how Azumane similarly possessed a quiet, laid back demeanor.

That semester, Azumane invited Nishinoya to a party hosted by the partner of his childhood friend, Daichi Sawamura. Nishinoya agreed to go, and there he stumbled once again into the boy with the amber eyes. Nishinoya was hesitant to approach him at first, being bewildered by his attraction towards Hinata—from his messy hair and slender back, to how adorably he acted, even when he appeared to be drunk and nervous. Nishinoya didn't plan on trying to kiss Hinata that night. The boy denied him, saying he once had feelings for him but had moved on. Hinata then asked what prompted the kiss, and Nishinoya admitted he wasn't sure—neither of his feelings towards Hinata nor towards his own sexuality.

Nishinoya had expected to receive a measure of scornful wrath from the boy. He was shocked when Hinata, eyes welling with tears, placed a tender kiss on his cheek before assuring him, "It's okay, it doesn't make you any less of a person."

Immediately after, Nishinoya and Hinata were attacked by two strangers who presumably saw the kiss take place. While neither boy was injured, the event traumatized Nishinoya for months. He didn't realize it at first—a few weeks after, Nishinoya tried going on dates with other boys hoping to solve his confusion towards his sexuality. Though whenever he and his date were in public, Nishinoya grew paranoid of any passersby that might witness them and react violently. He began suggesting dates in more private settings—from empty theatres to darkened bars, sometimes the other boy's apartment, if it was ever an option. Yet even in those places they had all the reason to feel safe, Nishinoya found he was holding back—his fear of the hatred of others had internalized into him perpetuating the same hate towards himself. Unable to shake the feeling, the boy fell into a depression for months.

After their last exam of the second semester, Nishinoya and Azumane went to a bar to celebrate between the two of them. Drunk and disinhibited, Nishinoya confessed what he had been going through. He started with the incident at Sugawara's party, leading to his disgust towards the possibility of who he might be.

"I mean, I can't tell you what to like. No one can," Azumane replied.

"But, what if…what if people aren't happy about it?" Nishinoya asked weakly.

"Well, you can't live to make please others, right?"

Nishinoya continued to bow his head in defeat, and Azumane realized the boy needed more than just a one-sentence ultimatum.

"You know, Daichi came out to me after we finished high school. He said he wanted me to know because I was his best friend, but he was still scared to say he liked boys. I told him I didn't care, and that I still saw him as a friend. We continued to stay in touch, and, over the years, he became more comfortable with admitting it. At the party, I asked him what changed."

"What did he say?"

Azumane took a sip from his beer before continuing. "He found people on campus that were supportive of him—students like himself, and others who mentioned they had close friends who were. Eventually, that community gave him the strength to reach out to friends from high school. Most of them reacted positively, but not all of them.

"He said that was when he learned he couldn't change everyone's minds. But then he told me he realized that he didn't need to. He just needed a handful of people to be accepting of him—through their support, he learned how to accept himself."

Azumane then placed an assuring hand on Nishinoya's wrist. "Who you like is something you have to figure out for yourself. I won't stop being your friend because of what you decide."

A few weeks later, Azumane graduated, and that summer, Nishinoya decided to take a lesson from Daichi's story and seek out people who might understand him. He started with different LGBT groups on campus, eventually finding several more based in the community. He encountered a variety of folks—some like him who were questioning, and others who strongly identified one way or another. Amidst their company, Nishinoya participated in different events, from board game nights to movie outings, city walks, cooking workshops, even intramural sports. He admittedly enjoyed himself, more than he could remember since the time he visited his dad in the States.

As months went by, people grew close enough to share their stories—how they struggled with identity, how they found the courage to endure prejudice and discrimination. When Nishinoya felt comfortable enough to do the same, he held nothing back. He spoke about his high school girlfriend, the boy with the amber eyes, and the college student that became the first boy ever made out with. He recounted a gentle kiss on the cheek and the assault it provoked; the disgust that had rooted deep within his heart; and the friend who pointed him on this quest to find the remedy.

Nishinoya shared his story many times, with many different people. Each time he did, he was overcome by how others allowed him to express so much pity and shame towards himself. Every time he broke down in mourning, he was met with only words of empathy and compassion. And what Nishinoya could not do on his own, he found a community did for each other—they helped him to carry the weight of his trauma and grief.

The hatred in his heart slowly dispersed, and, after months of being around people who embraced him, who showed him that he could be different and still have reason to hope for happiness, Nishinoya accepted who he was.

Throughout that time, he remained in touch with Azumane, who continued to encourage and him over text and phone calls. The latter attended Nishinoya's graduation, and later on, he helped Nishinoya get a job at the hospital where he was employed. A few months later, Nishinoya moved out of his mother's house and into the city.

He had been working for a year when he got a call from Tanaka, asking him out for coffee. They met up a week later on a stifling summer afternoon, at a quiet cafe in the West end of town. Tanaka explained that he had recently proposed to Rina—Rina accepted the proposal, and she and Tanaka were planning to throw a party to celebrate the engagement. Then Tanaka asked something that Nishinoya did not expect after three years of not having seen him since Sugawara's party—Tanaka asked him to be one of his groomsmen.

"Are you sure?" Nishinoya responded, skeptically.

"Of course I do," Tanaka replied. "We haven't talked in a while, but you were one of my closest friends growing up."

"Tanaka, we've changed since then. I've changed."

"Wait, what? What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm…"

"Yes?"

Nishinoya sighed. "Tanaka, I'm gay."

A silence passed as Tanaka sat there with his mouth agape. He turned towards the window to hide his amazement, making it difficult for Nishinoya to assess how he was digesting the news. He waited nervously in his seat for Tanaka to break the silence.

"I'm sorry, no one's ever come out to me before. What do people usually say to that?"

Nishinoya scratched his head. "I don't know—how do you feel?"

"I honestly didn't see it coming. When did you know?"

"I had an idea about it after high school? I didn't figure it out until college."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

Tanaka chuckled hesitantly. "No, it's just…back in high school I kept pushing you to date girls. I thought I was trying to be a good friend, but I didn't know—

"I didn't know then, so I don't blame you," Nishinoya explained.

"Still, I suppose it didn't make it easier for you to come out to me. You've known for what, two years? And I wasn't there for you?" Tanaka let out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry, Noya, I truly am."

Nishinoya smiled warmly. "It's alright. I just wanted to tell you, so you know who you're asking to be your groomsman."

Tanaka shook his head. "So who I know who I'm asking?" His tone shifted from guilt to anger. The boy then leaned in, pounding his fist gently against the table. "Noya, I'm asking my friend. You liking dudes isn't going to fucking change that. It doesn't matter if you're…you're..."

He had trouble finishing his sentence.

"Gay?" Nishinoya offered.

"Yeah, gay," Tanaka exasperated. "God, I don't know why it's so tough to say."

"Because we kept throwing it as an insult back in high school?"

"Fair point," Tanaka replied, leaning back in his chair before taking a deep breath. "You're gay. Gay, gay, gay. Gay! Gaaaaaay," he sang.

Tanaka's final repetition of the word was loud enough for Nishinoya to look around in case someone was within earshot. He then turned back to face Tanaka, smiling with humble disbelief. "I appreciate the effort."

Tanaka smirked. "Noya, gay or not, I still want you to be one of my groomsmen. Rina won't mind, she has plenty of gay friends. And if any of my friends or family do, then they have a problem with me." The boy then leaned in forward. "So…will you say yes, or are you going to make me beg?"

Nishinoya was stunned. He never heard Tanaka be so forthright about their friendship. He hadn't accounted for how much Tanaka could have also changed over the past three years—or erhaps he never did, and Nishinoya took him for granted. Either way, with his biggest secret now out in the open, Nishinoya agreed to Tanaka's request.

"So…do you listen to a lot of Elton John now, or...?" Tanaka teased.

"Screw you."

The two shared in a laugh before Tanaka continued, "You know, Rina's best friend is also gay. His name is Hinata—you saw him at Sugawara's party?"

"Yeah," Nishinoya answered, clearing his throat. "He told me that night."

"Really? You guys didn't seem close."

Nishinoya hesitated before continuing, "He told me before you and Rina arrived." The boy then admitted to what happened the night of that party, starting with how he knew of Hinata from Mizuki's junior prom, and the kiss that provoked the incident which Rina and Tanaka rescued them from.

"God, I wish I knew," Tanaka replied, gritting his teeth. "I would have beaten those guys to a pulp."

Nishinoya heaved a sigh. "What can we do—we can't change the past."

"No, we can't. But I'm glad you're telling me now. Hopefully, you never have to go through that on your own again. Do you hear me, Noya?"

Nishinoya nodded weakly, wondering how he could have ever forgotten about Tanaka's fervent loyalty towards his loved ones.

Tanaka relaxed his jaw. "Is there anything else you want to share?"

"Nope, that's all."

A grin then plastered onto Tanaka's face. "Did you ever have a crush on me?"

Nishinoya chuckled. "Never."

"Did you ever like Hinata?"

Nishinoya leaned back into his chair. "I mean, I didn't know at the time. But yeah. Yes, I did."

"Dude…wait, can I call you 'dude'?"

"Yeah, sure."

Tanaka sighed with relief, leaning in closer. "Okay, dude, you also said he liked you before?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You know, he's coming to the engagement party." Tanaka's eyes lit up as his lips twisted into a mischievous smile. Nishinoya pondered the expression for a moment before realizing what it implied.

"He said he's moved on. What if...what if he's already dating someone?"

"Last time Rina mentioned anything about it, I don't think he is," Tanaka replied. "Come on, Noya, I haven't been your wingman in years! Please just give this—for old time's sake."

…

Nishinoya didn't get home from his shift until around four in the morning. The bus was empty, save for a homeless man mumbling to himself at the back of the vehicle. Nishinoya resided in a quieter part of the city. It was a pleasant neighborhood that warranted a sunny afternoon to explore and enjoy, where the streets were lined with an eclectic variety of mom-and-pop shops. Though that night, as Nishinoya got off the bus, he was met with barren sidewalks and darkened storefronts.

Across the street, there was a recently renovated bar that had become quite the talk of the area, known for its bohemian charm and exotic selection of tapas and cocktails. Nishinoya had never gone in himself, but he inevitably passed the bar on his way to and from work. Several months ago, when Nishinoya had been returning home late in the evening, he noticed Hinata Shoyou exiting the bar with another boy. Nishinoya couldn't see his face clearly, but the hair, the height, and the sound of the boy's laugh made him almost certain it was Hinata. Nishinoya watched the two boys as they turned the corner, holding hands and gently crashing into each other.

At that moment, Nishinoya was happy for Hinata, recalling their last conversation when the boy expressed an eagerness to try dating. Though watching them walking off into the night so romantically, there grew another part of Nishinoya that felt regret—he wondered what would have happened if he had been more sure of himself that night when Hinata confessed he once liked him.

Nishinoya continued to walk home. As with every night since then, the sight of the bar tugged at his heartstrings—yet the pain was always followed by the feeling of soft lips pressing against his cheek, and the words on the wind saying:

"It's okay, it doesn't make you any less of a person."