"Go ahead, push your luck-
Find out how much love the world can hold."
-Dar Williams
…
Greg slouched against the back of one of the chairs in the break room, cradling a mug of steaming hot coffee, and closing his eyes for a few moments of rest before the trace results were back on one of the fibers from his case. Sara's due date was technically four days ago, and he had been reluctant to leave her, even in the care of Jillian Stokes. He was concerned about her, but he knew they needed a break from each other, him with his obsessive worrying, her with her mile-long streak of varying pregnancy mood swings. She had gone into false labor yesterday as he was getting off shift, robbing him of any opportunity he might have had for sleep while he had been off duty.
Sixteen hours later found him back in a chair in the break room, still no sleep.
"You look like shit." Greg groaned, hearing Catherine as she slid into a seat across from him. He opened one eye only just, frowning at the blonde as she came into focus.
"Thanks. It's what I was going for." Greg took a sip of the black coffee and sat up, running a hand through his hair tiredly. "Sara was having contractions as I was getting home this morning."
"She okay?"
"Yeah, she's fine. Home in bed."
"Alone? Are you nuts?" Warrick turned from the coffee maker, shooting a look at the youngest CSI.
"Nick's mom is there. The OB put her on bed rest." Greg offered the two of them a weary smile, thinking of the emotional ball of attitude Sara had been when he left for shift. "If she calls, I have to leave." He sighed, closing his eyes again. "But she hasn't called."
"Then she's okay. Don't worry, Greg, she can handle it." Catherine frowned in worry at him, accepting the steaming coffee mug Warrick set in front of her with a tired smile that he returned, before dropping a chaste kiss to her lips and slouching in the seat beside her. He rubbed a hand over his features before taking a sip of his own coffee, and cradling his head in his hand, propped up on the table with his elbow. Just thinking about Sara being in labor again brought a burning to his chest that instantly caused his eyes to water. Warrick took a deep breath, effectively fighting off any outward symptom of his surge of emotion.
A few minutes passed quietly, and Warrick glanced up at Greg, relieved the younger man was asleep in the office chair, fingers around his cell phone.
"This is hard on all of us." Catherine's soft words soothed him, and he nodded, not ready to admit defeat. "We've got to be supportive. Greg needs us. Sara needs us." Catherine watched him nod in agreement, and reached over, tangling her delicate fingers in his larger ones.
"You ever think that if Nick knew about the baby he would have fought harder?" At her silence, he drained the rest of his coffee and stood, depositing his empty mug in the sick before making his way to the door. He glanced over at Greg, peacefully sleeping in the chair at the table, before turning his attention back to Catherine. "Best let him sleep, if she's going into labor, he's not going to get another chance to rest."
She watched him disappear around the corner and out of sight, before blinking back the tears that had begun to blur her own vision. She understood that Warrick was still struggling with Greg and Sara growing closer, she knew better than anyone how hard it was for him to support them, how losing Nick weighed so heavily on his conscious she found it a miracle the man could lift himself out of bed each day at all. Nick's death had changed them all, but they were so worried about Sara, and Lauren, no one had worried about Warrick. He had preferred it that way, outwardly holding his life together, for Sara, like the rest of them, while each night he held her a little tighter, willing away his grief with wet tears against her shirt. In all her many years of loving him, she had never seen him quite so broken, so lost. It was his way of telling her how deeply his feelings ran for her, that he would let her see him cry. She pushed her coffee mug away, delicately wiping the smattering of tears that had sprung up on her embarrassingly. She stood, placing her mug beside Warrick's in the sink, before closing the distance between herself and Greg, pressing a motherly kiss to the younger man's curly hair.
"Everything's going to be okay, Greg."
She was pretty sure she was only trying to convince herself.
Five hours later, the shrill ring of Greg's cell phone cut Archie off mid-sentence, and immediately the room fell silent, as Archie and Grissom both watched Greg glance at the ID screen, and bring the phone to his ear.
"Is she okay?" Grissom sat back in the chair, frowning at Greg's half of the conversation. Archie bit his lip, finally remembering to pause the video feed from the robbery turned double homicide they were working on. Grissom would have laughed had it not been a call concerning Sara, Greg had obviously been cut off mid thought, and he could only assume Nick's mother was at her wits end. Greg smiled faintly at something she had said, before his expression hardened into solemn concern again.
"And I told her that as well." Greg rested a hand on his hip, sighing at what Nick's mother was saying on the phone. Grissom was taken aback at how weary, how old, he suddenly looked. Maybe they had been wrong to think that Greg was doing okay. Maybe playing runner-up to Nick was beginning to wear him down. Greg glanced up at them, smiling apologetically, before the voice on the other line caught his attention again. "Put her on."
"You think she's having the baby?" Archie whispered, and Grissom nodded, not taking his eyes off Greg. "This is the call? Isn't he supposed to leave when he gets this call?" Archie's inquiries went unanswered as they assumed Sara picked up the receiver.
"We're not planning a home birth, Sara. Why are you not at the hospital?" Sara winced, as the all too familiar sharp pain seared through her abdomen.
"They'll only send us home again."
"I'm on my way."
"Greg. Really, I'm okay."
"No, Sara, you're not okay. You're in active labor." He heard her inhale sharply, and he ran a hand through his hair. "Another one?"
"Which one of us has done this before, genius? Me. I'm fine."
"You wait any longer that baby is going to be born in the front seat, on a stretch of Tropicana. Listen to Jill. Get in the car. I'll meet you at the hospital." There was a pause, and for a moment he was afraid she had hung up on him, until he heard her voice, smaller, shaky.
"Greg?" His heart broke instantly; she hadn't sounded like that since Nick was shot.
"What, love?" He dropped his voice to a softer, soothing tone, unashamed that he wasn't alone in the room.
"I'm sorry." He smiled, shaking his head.
"I'm not. I'll see you in twenty minutes, okay?"
"Okay. Greg?"
"What?"
"I love you." It was barely audible over the phone, she whispered it into the receiver. His eyes instantly watered, and he smiled broadly.
"I love you, too." He listened as she hung up, shutting his own phone and turning to Grissom and Archie, a two-man mixture of concern and amusement. "That was Sara." He glanced at the forgotten video feed, and then back again to his boss. "I have to go. She's, uh, she's having the baby." Grissom nodded, offering the younger man a smile.
"Goodbye, Greg." The amusement was clear in his voice, and Greg excused himself in a mumble as he made his way quickly out the door of the A/V lab and disappeared around the corner, towards the parking lot.
"You know, it's kinda funny." Archie punched in a series of codes, winding the tape back so that they could review the footage they had missed.
"What is?"
"Nick was standing right there when Sara went into labor with Lauren." Archie waved his hand in a gesture toward the other side of the counter, near where Greg had been standing.
"Was at the end of pulling a triple, I think."
"Yeah. Missed a court appearance." Archie halted the video footage, and sat back, taking in Grissom's troubled profile. "What's the matter?" Grissom seemed to snap out of his lamentful expression, and he turned to the man seated beside him.
"Nothing. Sometimes I just really miss Nick. Let's find our mystery woman on this tape shall we?" Archie took the hint, and turned back to the video feed, punching in a few sequences and sharpening the image, playing the footage.
When Greg rounded the corner to the maternity ward at Desert Palms, he grinned broadly, and picked up his pace at the sight of Jillian Stokes. Nick's mother smiled, relieved that Greg hadn't missed anything, Sara having just been admitted.
"How is she?"
"She was a little dizzy, but she's good. They're evaluating her right now. You can see her when they're finished." Jillian opened her mouth to offer an attempt to ease the tension in his shoulders, but Greg cut her off.
"Where's Lauren?"
"Lindsey Willows is picking her up from school, and Bill's on the next flight, he'll swing by Catherine's and get her on his way from the airport." Greg nodded, visibly relaxing, now that he knew where his niece was. Nick's mom fought back the surge of tears that had risen to her eyes, and she took comfort in the realization that she would be leaving her baby's baby in the care of such a compassionate man. His love her family was as good as branded on his face. "You know, my son, he loved his family. I remember when he called to tell us that Sara was pregnant with Lauren. There was amazement in his voice; I could hear his grin louder than his words. Like he couldn't believe it was happening." She paused, running a hand soothingly along his arm. "You're a good man, Greg. Sara's lucky to have you." She watched as Greg coughed out a short laugh, and smiled at her in thanks before turning his gaze to the door that stood between himself and Sara.
"I'm the lucky one."
The OB nurse ushered them in a few moments later, and Sara turned her head, seeing Greg, and smiled broadly, reaching out for him with fingers that he quickly tangled with his own, pressing a loving kiss to her forehead, and then accepting the invitation she offered, and dropped a lingering one to her lips, before mumbling a claim of affection quietly against her, making her smile again. Nick's mom didn't know if the dull pain she felt in her chest, that caught her breath, was contentment at seeing her daughter-in-law accept such support, or grieve over the simple fact that Greg was not her son. She couldn't help but overhear pieces of their quiet exchange, hanging back so that she wouldn't intrude on their moment. Greg dissolved the tension in Sara's expression, and soon her gentle laugh eased the anxiety in the room.
"Hey." Sara accepted another kiss Greg pressed to her lips, laying one hand on her pregnant belly, and the other along his unshaven jaw.
"How are you feeling?" He pulled away and quickly scanned her body for any outward signs of anything that would be causing her pain, making her smile.
"I'm okay. Where's Lauren?"
"With Lindsey, she'll be by later." Greg offered her a childish grin, the excitement over being present for the birth written cleary across his expression. "This is it, huh?"
"Yeah." She smiled back at him, amused by the sparkle in his eye, cringing at the white hot pain of a contraction, biting her lip. "Soon."
They had given her an epidural, so they passed the hours watching the contractions pass on the print outs until Sara had dilated nearly the full ten centimeters. Nick's father had made it in on the 7:30 out of Dallas, and he brought Lauren to the hospital as soon as he arrived in Vegas. Sara could hear her daughter talking excitedly all the way down the hall.
A few minutes later, Bill Stokes opened the door to Sara's room carefully, chuckling to himself as his littlest granddaughter pushed past him, making a beeline for Greg. Nick's dad watched as the younger man lifted Lauren effortlessly, placing her on his hip and wrapping one arm around her waist, supporting her weight as she bent to kiss Sara. They looked like a happy family, anxiously anticipating the arrival of their newest addition. Lauren wrapped an arm around Greg's neck, giggling softly at something he had said to her, before catching his eye, and waving him over. Bill Stokes crossed the room hesitantly, bending to kiss Sara's forehead in greeting.
"Lauren wanted to see you, and the nurses said it was okay." Bill smiled at his daughter in law, and squeezed her hand affectionately.
"I'm glad you came." Sara's voice was soft, and he picked up on her jittery nerves instantly, frowning as Sara bit her lip through the pressure of another contraction, and Nick's father glanced at the monitor and the print out indicating it was a heavy one. He reached out a hand for Lauren, and she slipped from Greg's arms obediently, taking her grandfather's hand.
"We'll be right outside, right sugar?" Lauren nodded, touching Sara's abdomen before looking at her mother with her copy of Nick's grin.
"Grampy said I could have some Chocobees." Greg laughed, and Sara frowned.
"Oh, baby, not the Chocobees."
The baby was small. Healthy, but small. The doctor seemed vaguely worried, but Sara figured it had been her apparent tendency with carrying small, coupled with the physical stress and emotional trauma of Nick's unexpected death that was responsible for the concerned expressions on the OB, mirrored in the faces of the handful of nurses. She knew they were just being polite, coming in and checking over her chart, her print outs from the monitor, asking her how she was feeling, if she needed anything. That was fine. It was when they turned to Greg and asked, in that irritatingly patronizing tone, "And how is Dad holding up?" that she really snapped. Greg had succeeded in giving an abbreviated explanation to each nurse, just in time for the shift change, and an assault of the same brand of condescending Daddy inquiries all over again.
Most pregnant women in labor make a series of angry threats to the well being of the father of their baby, in response to the physical pain of childbirth. Sara was not most women. While she had threatened a good many things during her labor with Lauren, her would-be heated words turned to tears, rolling softly down her cheeks during the labor of their second child. She gripped Greg's hand tightly, trying to let the feel of his fingers wrapped securely around hers soothe her.
The act of giving birth fell into a routine, and with each contraction, Sara wasn't thinking about the pushing, and the orders being giving by the doctor. Shut eyes, bear down, squeeze hand, deep breath, open eyes. The only problem with that, however, was each time she opened her eyes, Greg was still standing beside her, instead of Nick. She hoped that Greg wouldn't see the disappointment flare across her features. Maybe someday he'd forgive her.
Her conscious thoughts drifted to Nick, and each time she closed her eyes, she tried to picture each eyelash, each laugh line, concentrating on each piece of him, in a desperate attempt to see the whole. She wasn't thinking of Greg, or Lauren, or Nick's parents. She wasn't even thinking about the baby. In the heavy fog of sore muscles and concentrated doses of strong medications, Sara realized she was making a desperate, fleeting attempt to think Nick into the delivery, think him into standing by her side. It wasn't that she didn't want Greg, it was that she needed Nick. Sara had focused all of her attention on what she remembered of the sound of Nick's voice in her ear, the feel of his hand over hers, taking comfort greedily from her memories, that she was startled when she heard the baby cry.
It was a boy. She had been right.
The doctor and the nurses took him instantly, checking him over, their worry for him beginning to concern Sara for the first time. Greg pressed an affectionate kiss to her sweaty, matted curls, and she smiled, accepting the brief kiss he bent to give her. Her breath hitched in her throat, and she felt a sinking burning in her chest, her vision blurring immediately as she caught a glimpse of her newborn son's tiny little foot, toes curled, kicking wildly. Nick would never hear this baby cry. Never see him, never hold him as he did with Lauren.
"He's just fine, Sara. On the small side, but he's perfectly healthy." The doctor turned to give her a reassuring smile over his shoulder before turning back to the screaming newborn in front of him. Sara leaned back against the pillows, relaxing for the first time since being admitted.
"-going to go get Nick's parents, they should be here." She caught the last part of what Greg was saying to her, her attention focused across the room. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and made to leave her side, but Sara failed to loosen her grip on his fingers.
"Who's going to cut the cord?" The nurse asked awkwardly, visibly aware that the subject of paternity was a sore one with Sara.
"Greg will." Sara bit her lip, and let a smile lay at the corner of her mouth as Greg gave her an odd look before crossing the room, and following the nurse's simple instructions. She watched him grin childishly at the crying newborn, and a few moments later, Greg laid the tiny baby in Sara's arms.
She reached out for her son, cradling his tiny body carefully, blinking away the tears that blurred her vision as she bent, placing a delicate, affectionate kiss to his tiny cheek as he continued to wail, balling his tiny hands into tiny fists.
"He's beautiful." Greg's own eyes watered as he listened to Sara's voice hitch, and he sat on the edge of the bed, laying an arm across the back of the pillows, and leaning foward slightly to hold his finger beside the baby's fist, smiling as the newborn grasped onto his finger tightly after a few moments.
"You were right." Sara leaned into Greg only just, taking the comfort in the kiss he dropped in her hair.
The baby wriggled gently in Sara's arms, and Sara didn't bother holding back her emotions, wiping the damp of her tears on Greg's shirt, gasping softly as the baby opened his eyes, revealing espresso-dark irises, as he tried to focus erratically toward the ceiling.
"D'you have a name picked out, Sara?" The nurse asked softly, holding a pen to the birth certificate, ready to fill it out to her specifications. Sara glanced distractedly at the nurse, and then at Greg, who was counting fingers and toes.
"Nicholas Andrew Stokes, Jr." Greg smiled as Andy reacted to his voice, shifting his attention in his general direction. "After his father."
"Andy." Sara grinned when her son turned toward the sound of her voice, recognizing her vaguely, squinting at the bright lighting above their heads. She kissed her son's forehead again, holding the back of his head steady. "I love you so much."
Greg took a deep breath, watching the baby start to settle, his cries softening to a whimper, responding to Sara's soothing words. He felt awkward suddenly, like he really shouldn't be there. Like he didn't deserve to take care of Nick's family. Like he was imposing on an intimate moment where he didn't belong. Sara picked up on his uncertainty, and turned to meet his gaze, offering him a gentle smile. She reached up and pulled him down to her, catching him in a sweetly attentive kiss, breaking away just short of making the nurse blush.
"I love you, too, Greg." She smiled jokingly, and he nodded, thankful for her reassurance. "Nick's parents, they-"
"I'll tell them." Greg bent, pressing a kiss to Andy's tiny fingers, and Sara watched as he slipped out the door, leaving her alone with her newborn son.
It was a few hours after Andy was born that Catherine and Warrick wrapped their cases and were able to get away from the lab. Greg had called, reporting that mother and newborn were doing well. Catherine had been lucky enough to pick up the phone, and she assured the younger man that they'd be along shortly.
When Catherine cracked the door to Sara's room open, slipping inside with Warrick following behind, they found Greg alone, sitting comfortably in the rocking chair by the window, holding a small pile of blankets in his arms. He looked up at the sound of the door opening, and grinned as his friends filed in. Catherine crossed the room quickly, dropping a quick kiss to his cheek in greeting before turning to the sleeping newborn in his arms.
"Oh, Greg." Greg looked up at the older woman, chuckling softly as her eyes began to water.
"You can't tell right now, but he's got these dark, dark brown eyes." He glanced over at Warrick, relieved to see that the other man had relaxed a bit.
"Where's Sara?" Catherine suddenly noticed that Sara was not in bed. Greg watched as the sleeping newborn in his arms shifted, yawning widely, and curling up against his arm.
"She went for a walk around the floor about twenty minutes ago, said something about wanting to stretch her legs." Greg recognized that look in Catherine's eye. "D'you want to hold him?" His laughed softly as she nodded, already reaching out for Andy. Warrick watched Greg place Nick and Sara's son in Catherine's arms with a practiced ease, before vacating the rocking chair so that she could take his place. "I'm going to go catch up with Sara, make sure she's okay."
"We'll keep an eye on Andy." Warrick pulled the folding chair over beside Catherine, and threw Greg a smile, watching him slip out the door, and down the hall. When the door clicked shut behind him, Catherine leaned over, and kissed Warrick before turning back to little Andy, still sleeping in her arms, and they both watched as he shifted again, snuggling against her chest, balling his tiny fingers into a fist.
Greg made his way down the hallway, running a hand over his face, attempting to wipe the exhaustion from his features. She couldn't have gone far, women who have just given birth don't wander at a terribly fast pace. Nick's dad had taken Lauren home after she had seen the baby, but Nick's mom had stayed a bit longer, and her presence had been a brand of comfort to Sara that he just could not provide, only Jillian could convince her not to feel guilty for being happy about the baby.
Sara sat carefully down on a bench in the hallway, accepting the to-go cup of herbal tea from Nick's mother as she sat down beside her, taking a sip from her own cup. She was sore, tired, sitting tenderly on the bench, in a pair of Nick's old LVPD sweats and one of his long sleeved baseball tee shirts from college. She shifted so that she was sitting cross-legged, watching various members of the staff and patients pass by. Several minutes went by between the two women in silence, until Sara spoke.
"This is where my memories end." Nick's mother frowned at Sara, taking a sip of her coffee.
"How do you mean, love?"
"I can't remember that much about conceiving Lauren. Feelings, mostly. Feeling loved, feeling needed. The next morning feeling safe, then as the weeks progressed, feeling scared. Worried. We both knew what happened, but neither of us wanted to be the one to bring it up, call attention to it, you know?" Sara pushed a halfway curly lock out of her eye, and took a soothing sip from the warm cup in her hands. "She had started off as a mistake, but she didn't stay that way."
"Mistakes are just different kinds of blessings, Sara." Jillian studied the younger woman's features carefully.
"Being pregnant with Andy, it helped me grieve. Gave me a tangible connection to Nick. Everything was going to be okay, because a piece of him was right there, he'd never leave me." She glanced down at her postpartum curves, and tried to smile, childishly wiping the tears from her eyes with the sleeve of Nick's shirt. "Now he's really gone. Every last bit of him."
"Sara-" Her tone was light, as if she was reasoning with a child instead of an adult.
"I remember everything about conceiving Andy. The score of the game on the TV, the cases we worked earlier that day, which tee shirt Nick had been wearing. I remember his exact words in my ear, the flavor toothpaste his kisses tasted like, which lamp had been left on in the living room, that we could make out the shadow of the light from under the door." Sara took a deep breath as her voice hitched, and Jillian's heart broke as Sara tried desperately to hold herself together. "We weren't thinking. Or trying. We had been working this heinous hate crime. He looked so broken hearted, like his faith in humanity had been lost, like he had just realized that there might not be such a thing as love anymore, only lesser degrees of hate, until you reached indifference." She took another sip, letting the warm liquid wash over her tongue and down her throat. "We're scientists. Sometimes the only way to find comfort in such an abstract concept is to find comfort in its physical manifestation."
Jillian nodded, understanding. This was as much about Sara and Nick as it was about Sara and Greg.
"I love him. I love him so much, and I don't want to let him go." Jillian barely heard the whispers out of Sara's mouth, but they shattered what was left of her heart.
…
TBC
…
A/N: Sincere apologies for the delay. The ride isn't over yet. This is a monster. Or, as we say in Boston, a 'Monstah" of epic proportions. I love it lol. Thanks for sticking with me on this.