Secret Agent Man

--S&&S--

Prologue III: Naruto

'Bah…' Uzumaki Naruto was very ticked off. Not only had it been two days since Obaa-chan had sent him to Lightning Country (the town he had been placed in was possibly the only one in the history of the world who did not have at least a 2:1 ramen-restaurant-to-grocery store ratio), but it had also been two days since Sasuke-bastard had been given the information retrieval mission, from then which said information would be sent to him. Unfortunately, the old hag that happened to be the single most important person in the agency did not give him any directions as to what he was supposed to do until that information came.

As if to wake him from his thoughts, the DADHD ("do-all-doo-hickey-device" he called it; there was another name for it, but like he would be bothered enough to remember) issued to all agents started to beep. Ah, finally! The blond thought with a grin, pulling it out of his pant pocket and flipping it open.

Dear Loyal Subscriber:

This month's issue of Gourmet has been sent out and should arrive at your home within the next twelve hours. We are proud to present this special edition issue, featuring twenty of the world's greatest ramen restaurants and what makes their specialties so popular and enticing! We hope you enjoy this issue and for the first fifty people to post their replies on our website, we are offering a voucher for fifty bowls of ramen to the restaurant of your choice! (Offer not available in Sand and Earth Countries) See you next month! -Your friends at Gourmet International

"Dammit!" exclaimed Naruto, wanting very hard to bang his head on the wall right now. As if on cue, his stomach started rumbling. "Gah…" He muttered, "so unfair…" Slipping the DADHD back into his pocket, he fell backwards onto the bed in the hotel room he had rented. As his head hit the mattress, the DADHD beeped again.

"Damn you, stop tempting me!" He shouted at the screen. An agitated pair of deep brown eyes stared back at him, the eyes of Tsunade, the fifth Hokage of Konoha Agency. "Oops."

"I should say so," The woman, in her mid-fifties and still looking not a day over twenty-three, thanks to a couple pieces of clever make-up created by the Disguise and Camouflage Department, sipped daintily at a glass of some clear alcoholic beverage (no one called her an alcoholic to her face, or even behind her back, but she did have a particular liking to such, much more than was probably healthy for a woman of her stature). Glaring at his sheepish grin, she set the glass down and continued, "Brat, (her own affectionate nickname for him, in return for him calling her "hag" to her face) upon the return of Agent Uchiha Sasuke, we have now gathered the whereabouts of the nerve glass. It is located at these coordinates…" She listed them off as a small map appeared in the lower-right corner of the screen, a small blue light blinking at Naruto's position and a small red light blinking at the destination he was to go.

"You have seventy-two hours until they begin shipping the gas to operatives in Sand. Destroy the gas before it happens. Got it, agent?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied the blond, saluting to the screen.

"Good, and, oh, by the way…" Tsunade dug under her desk for a moment. "Your issue of Gourmet came…what did I tell you about putting magazines on the agency's tab?" She waggled a finger at him. "I guess I'll get the voucher, then."

"What—no!" Naruto clawed at the screen before it blinked out and went dark. What happened later that night, at least, according to the other residents in the district, was the sound of many cats getting strangled. Of course, that was just Naruto's choking yell of frustration, but secret agents like to keep people guessing.

--

"Hm…" The laboratory was dark; a figure in black stealthily slid down a wall via the use of silent suction cups on the bottom of his boots. Old-school spy-style…

Naruto, bright blond hair hidden under a black cap, looked around the cavern of a room, searching with infrared goggles on, by the way, for any sort of container for gas…

Ah-hah!

His first instinct was to be very proud of himself for finding it so quickly, but that pride diminished very quickly. There was a massive aluminum tank in the middle of the room with "Caution! Nerve gas!" and a lot of skull-and-crossbones scrawled across the side with pink and blue spray paint. Suspended by thick cable wires, it swayed ominously when Naruto knocked on it experimentally.

Not very subtle, these scientists, are they? He thought with a slight sneer and twitch of his eyebrows, but resumed his mission. Now how to destroy the gas…?

He walked around the tank once, surveying it from every angle. Now to wipe from existence gas that killed on contact? His question was answered with the arrival of the guards and only after he had knocked out three out of the six did he realize that he had activated an alarm as he walked around the tank.

Figures…He thought as he dropped low, causing attacks from both sides to hit the other instead and swiped his leg out, knocking both guards off their feet and putting them out of commission. As he faced the last guard, his eyes drew towards a series of metal containers connected to meters of rubber tubing. Allowing a feral grin to spread slowly across his face, Naruto feinted left and right, eventually sliding in and knocking the guard's chin back with the palm of his hand, making his head hit the wall and voilà, guard-out-of-commission-on-a-silver-platter!

There was, however, no time for celebration as an alarm began to blare, flooding the room in flashes of red light. Damn…thought Naruto, dragging the tubing over to the tank and turning on the conveniently placed nozzle (seriously, what kind of scientists are these?), sending a gush of gas into the nearest canister.

Here, Naruto swore several times in his head. Come on, come on, already! Go faster! He could hear the pattering of footsteps running down the hallway, coming closer to him. More swearing. The canister was full. Only six more to go.

Capping the first canister securely, Naruto tossed it aside and started on the second. As soon as gas began filling the inside of the aluminum container, he rushed over towards the entrance of the lab and flung the guards against it, blocking the doors from opening.

Damn…what do they feed these guys? Grunting, the agent made sure they were securely pressed against the door, and almost sprinted back to the second canister. Full!

He did a nervous kind of dance when it came time for the sixth canister. The banging on the door was getting extremely loud, but by the sound of the tank, it was definitely almost empty. So close…

Halfway through the seventh canister, the door finally gave and guards fell in everywhere.

"Where is he?" asked the first of the guards to break through, glancing around. "Fan out! Find the intruder, find him before he gets the gas!"

"…What makes you think it's a he?" From behind the tank strode a young woman…a very naked young woman. "…Hm?" Her big, sultry blue eyes smiled sexily at him as she twirled her blonde hair around a finger.

"…Boss? What is it…" The guard behind the leader looked out from behind his back and his jaw dropped. The company stared, dumbstruck, as Naruto loaded the last canister down the shoot leading to Raiko Corporation's underground reservoir, unseen but for a dark, insignificant shadow against the wall. Heh, he thought as the illusion projector given to him for his birthday last year disappeared in a puff of atmospheric smoke. Perverts… Sniggering, he let himself up through the ceiling the way he initially came in.

I have SO got it.

--S&&S--

Oh bah. Sorry this chapter took so long, but real life was repeatedly stabbing me in the leg. And I chose to spend my time watching Ouran Host Club instead of doing my math homework, which delayed this chapter by yet another two and a half hours. Anyway...as you can probably tell, this isn't the serious international sort of espionage...it's what's considered romantic espionage with gadgets and kung-fu and partying with the rich and famous...oops, I probably shouldn't give any more away. And as you can probably tell, I'm also poking fun at the blaringly obvious plot devices in old spy movies.

Lastly, I promise that I'll get to reviewing more stories from the people I have Author Alerts on. It's been a while, but don't worry, I promise I haven't deserted you.

Love it? Hate it? I'll never know unless you review!