A/N - The line "With support troops like these, who needs Cylons" is from TOS episode "The Living Legend."
The next morning, Lee was released from sick bay. He was still a bit sore, but all his test results were normal, including the repeat brain scan Cottle had insisted on before certifying him fit for duty. Lee made a quick trip to his quarters for a uniform and then headed to CIC to report to the Officer of the Deck. When he reached the hatch he took a deep breath and straightened his tunic. He looked around for a brief moment, marveling in the normalcy he saw there. What, did you think everyone else's lives came to a screeching halt just because yours did? Nope, Captain. It's the same old same old. He cleared his head of those thoughts and entered CIC.
"Captain Adama reporting for duty, Sir." He sharply saluted as he formally reported his change in status. The deck officer responded accordingly and placed a notation in the ship's log.
Lee felt a moment of dread in the pit of his stomach as he noticed Colonel Tigh at the dradis console. For a brief second he pictured Tigh in the lab coat turning around and…
Lee's dream image disappeared as Colonel Tigh actually turned around and addressed him. "So you're back on duty. Well, there's plenty to do. Get to work on the flight roster for the rest of this week, and next week as well. I want status reports on the ships down for repairs, and there's a mission update at 1400 hours in the briefing room."
Lee swallowed and nodded as his took all that in. Guess the XO isn't harboring any private regrets, Lee thought. Not that he was expecting the man to beg his forgiveness or anything, but some acknowledgement of remorse might have been nice. He imagined Tigh trying to say something like that. 'Sorry I had so much fun beating you up.' He almost smirked at the thought. Nope. The only regret Tigh might have is that he didn't get to finish me off. He realized Tigh must have been stuck with most of the duties of CAG during his absence and was all too happy to give up the extra responsibility. He managed to salute the man and headed for his office, grateful he had a reason to leave at once. He wasn't ready for any extended discussions with the XO.
Lee arrived in the briefing room early. He had finished the rosters and checked on the damaged ships. Tyrol had assured him that repairs were progressing on schedule. Most would be back in service in less than a week. He hadn't had any problems with the deck crew but he was nervous about addressing the pilots. Would they be willing to accept him after everything that had happened? He had worked so hard to earn their respect and trust when he was first made CAG. Would he be able to regain it now? He stood at the podium and shuffled his notes. "Just give the briefing. Just give the briefing," he said quietly to himself as clenched and unclenched his hands a few times to try and make them stop shaking. He stopped abruptly and looked up as a group of pilots entered. It wouldn't do for them to find their CAG talking to himself. Their mutinous Cylon CAG...
"Hey, it's true! Apollo's back!"
"Thank the gods!"
"Welcome back, Sir!"
"Apollo! Great to see you!"
"We've missed you, Apollo!"
They all spoke at once. Lee was overwhelmed with their open expressions of support. He didn't have to worry about how to restore their confidence in him; he'd never lost it. He didn't know what to say. He held up his hands to get them to stop. He tried to wipe the grin off his face but it kept popping back out and his cheeks colored slightly. Finally he composed himself enough to trust his voice. "Thanks. It's...ah...good to be back." He smiled self-consciously, licked his lips nervously, and looked over the room. Several other pilots had joined them and were also vocal in their relief at having Lee back. They applauded his little impromptu speech and spent a few more moments in spirited chatter before he managed to get their attention again and get down to the business at hand.
After the briefing, he headed for his quarters. Kara was there, sitting on her bunk playing with a pyramid ball.
Lee was curious as to where she'd gotten it, and couldn't resist the temptation. He stealthily approached her and snatched it away.
Kara was not impressed. "Can I have my ball back?"
"What, I can't hold it?" Lee was not fazed by her irritation and was being playful.
Kara sighed. She was in no mood for this. "Can I have my ball back, please?"
"Where'd you get a pyramid ball, anyway?" Lee kept playing with the ball, keeping it out of her reach.
"Caprica. Can I have my ball back, Lee?" Kara was quickly moving from annoyed to angry. The ball was all she had left of Sam. Somehow she didn't want Lee touching it. She couldn't think about Lee and Sam at the same time; that hurt her brain.
"Yeah, sure," he responded. He'd give the ball back, as soon as he was done playing with it. Besides, it wasn't usually this easy to get a rise out of Starbuck and he wasn't about to let the opportunity slip away.
"Lee?"
Lee of course, had no idea of the ball's significance, and continued to keep it out of Kara's reach.
Finally she became exasperated. She wasn't going to beg him for it. "Keep it," she said flatly, turning away from him.
Lee was taken aback. What was the big deal? "Hey, come on, Kara. For frak's sake, I'm just kidding around. All right, here, it's all yours. You can take your ball and go home now."
"The whole thing's stupid anyway," she snorted.
Lee wasn't sure what to make of this. What was Kara so upset about? "What's up with you, Kara? Anything you want to talk about?"
"Nope." Not with you, Lee.
After Kara had visited him in sick bay, Lee had had a chance to think about what she might have been through while she was gone. She hadn't really said much about it, though. "Hmm. It must have been hard, being back on Caprica. Being home. Probably saw some tough things back there. Anyway, tomorrow this whole thing is going to end, one way or another. We find the tomb or we don't. We find a way to earth or we don't. I just want you to know, Kara, that I'm your friend. I love you. If there's anything you want to talk about, anything you want to get off your chest, then I'm here for you. Anyway... whenever you want to talk, just let me know."
Kara didn't want to talk about what she'd seen on Caprica, not with Lee, not with anyone. How could she get him off this subject and...wait just one frakkin' minute! "What was that middle part again?"
"Hmm? What do you mean?" Lee was truly unaware of what he'd let slip.
"Did you say you love me?" She could not possibly have heard what she had just heard.
Lee smiled ridiculously, like when he was in tenth grade and tried to ask Sarah Breckenridge to the harvest festival dance. It was as if the Cylons had sent a virus to his brain that scrambled all his intelligent thoughts and he ended up babbling like an idiot. "Well, um..."
"Lee Adama loves me!" Kara was not missing the opportunity to turn the tables on Lee and tease him now. She also could not begin to contemplate that statement in a serious way, so she dealt with it with humor, like she always did.
Lee laughed nervously. "No, all I meant was..." Ohgods ohgods ohgods ohgods, why did I say that? Why was I even thinking that? Holy frak!
"No, seriously, very sweet. You love me." Kara actually had no idea whether she wanted this to be true or not, but she could tell the admission was an accidental one and she wondered if she could force Lee to declare the truthfulness of it. If not, she would tease him mercilessly.
"No, you love me. You can't take it back. There's no take-backs."
"You're dreaming it, Kara." Lee couldn't explain his words, so denial was the next best option.
"You love me."
"You're dreaming it."
"You love me."
"Dreamer," he called out as he walked away.
"Mm-hmm. Okay," she replied, not knowing if he heard her. Holy frak, what was that all about? He couldn't have REALLY meant it, could he?
"Captain, you've just been released from sick bay. You don't belong planetside on a dangerous mission," Bill tried to justify to his son the reason he had not been assigned to the team going to Kobol. Lee had brought the latest tactical data on Kobol to the Commander's quarters and along with it, his resentment at not being chosen to go there.
"I've been certified fit for duty, without restriction. That means any duty. I'm perfectly capable of going. Or do you not trust me?" Lee added that last as a deliberate jab.
"Of course I trust you," Adama responded almost automatically, then sought to justify his reasoning. "I just think it would be best if you didn't overexert yourself so soon."
Lee was getting angrier by the minute. He was not going to be kept off this mission because of a few bruises.
"Kara was hurt too; you don't have a problem with her going."
"Kara found the Arrow and brought it back. It's her right to see this through to the end." Why was Lee bringing Kara into this?
"Kara disobeyed orders and took a military asset on an unauthorized mission. How was she disciplined?"
Bill was taken off guard. It hadn't even occurred to him. He had spent his anger in the ill-fated coup attempt and by the time Kara returned he was just thankful to have her back.
Before he could come up with a suitable response, Lee had continued his tirade, becoming more and more irate. "What if Kara had been the one to put a gun to Tigh's head? You wouldn't have humiliated her in front of everyone in CIC!"
Lee was never good at handling emotional pain and usually coped by channeling it into anger. He'd done it after Zak died, he'd done it when Kara slept with Baltar, and now it was happening again. Suddenly his formal military bearing was gone and he was a furious man, directing his anger at the most convenient target.
"What is it about Kara? Is it just because she was Zak's fiancée? Or is she the daughter you never had? Was I supposed to be Lee Evelyn instead of Lee Joseph?" Lee had no idea where that came from; he'd never thought that before but his mouth was about two steps ahead of his brain at this point and he was sick and tired of watching Kara get away with things that he'd have been called on the carpet for.
Bill's eyes widened. Did Lee really think that? Did he favor Kara that blatantly? He suddenly remembered another time where Lee seemed to think he did. Bill hadn't just bent the rules for Kara, he had shattered them in a desperate attempt to rescue her. "And if it was me down there instead?" Lee had asked, much to Bill's consternation. Between the lines was the Lee's belief that he wasn't worth as much as Kara, that he wasn't loved as much. Bill thought he had set his son straight on that point right then, but apparently not. Or maybe recent events had caused Lee to once again doubt his father's love for him.
Lee was unaware of his father's thoughts and interpreted his silence as anger. He knew he had been insubordinate as well as disrespectful, thus offending both his father and his commander. He presumed his father was now torturing him with silence as he'd done back on that that day in CIC, and would soon launch a verbal attack of his own. However, Lee was not sorry for anything he said. Although he didn't actually think his father had wished he'd been born a girl, he did believe Kara was his father's favorite. He was in no mood to listen to anything his father might have to say at this point and as they were in private this time, he didn't have to put up a proper military front. He decided that since he'd started this he may as well go all the way. His anger crystallized into bitter resolve and his eyes glinted like ice.
"You know what? It doesn't matter. You can just go on pretending you're Kara's father, you can adopt her for all I care!" With that, he turned on his heel and left his father's quarters, before he could say anything even worse and before his father had a chance to stop him. He could face disciplinary action for leaving without being dismissed but he didn't care. Subconsciously, he was testing Bill Adama, to see if he would react as a father or as a commander but he was aware only of the burning fury in his soul.
Bill Adama was dumbstruck when Lee left without being dismissed. Lee had never done that. He felt a flash of anger and wanted to call him back, force him to follow protocol, then he realized with horror that Kara had done almost the same thing and he hadn't given it a second thought. Was Lee right? Did he let Kara get away with too much?
He hadn't heard that much coldness and bitterness in his son's voice since…since after the funeral. And when Lee first came aboard for the decommissioning ceremony. Lee was well-aware of the power of a scathing retort and used it to his advantage. Bill had learned enough about Lee to know that there was a lot of pain behind those angry words, but it didn't make them hurt any less.
He sat at his desk, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He felt he had failed his son once again. Lee thinks I don't trust him. Because of the fiasco with Sharon or because of the mutiny, maybe both. He decided the reason didn't matter, just the belief. How could he convince his son otherwise? He nodded dejectedly to himself as the only solution presented itself. He searched his desk for the mission roster and carefully added one more name.
That afternoon in CIC, crew members often had to repeat themselves when speaking to the commander. His mind was on other things. He kept replaying the conversation with Lee over and over again in his head, trying to recall events that would make his son believe he preferred Kara over him. At first he couldn't think of a single one. Well, other than letting her off the hook for mutiny, but she was following the President's orders, so she didn't technically mutiny. She wasn't aware of the agreement he had with Roslin for her not to assume the powers of the military Commander in Chief. Then there was the search for Kara when she'd crashed on the moon, but he'd addressed that with Lee at the time, assuring him that he would have done as much if not more to find his son if he were lost. Then as he thought further, he remembered more details. Things he'd paid no attention to before, like the words he'd said to Lee after the Olympic Carrier incident.
He remembered Lee's painful silence when Kara recounted the story of his one thousandth landing. Surely he'd told that story to Lee? But Lee didn't seem to know it. He didn't think anything of it at the time, he'd actually not remembered telling it to Kara, but she knew every detail. Lee didn't. Envisioning the scene in his memory, he saw it from Lee's point of view. He must have felt very left out.
Then there was that discussion with the President after the crisis on the Astral Queen. They'd both talked about him in the third person, as if he weren't standing right there with them. Then he'd accused Lee of choosing sides. Lee had chosen the side of the law. He did what he did not to support the President or the Commander, but because of his oath to defend the Articles of Colonization. He'd said as much in his defense that day, but Adama hadn't listened. He'd been too preoccupied with trying to make sure he had more power that the newly-formed government. And of course, supporting those damned articles was Lee's justification for mutiny as well. He remembered how many times he'd told his sons the importance of doing what was right because it was right, not because it was what you wanted. Some more of his paternal words of wisdom that Lee had apparently taken to heart.
His thoughts were interrupted by a voice. He looked over at the tactical officer. "Yes, Mr. Gaeta?"
When he'd dealt with the matter brought to his attention, his thoughts had returned to his son. How could he ever possibly reach Lee through the impenetrable walls his son had erected?
Lee was taken aback when he'd received an updated mission roster. He was certain he had ruined whatever chance he had of going on the mission with his disgraceful display of emotion. He still wasn't sure he wouldn't suffer the consequences for how he'd behaved. He decided it was all rooted in his unrealistic expectations. He had learned long ago to not expect anything from his father. He wasn't going to be there, so why set yourself up for disappointment, hoping he would. Since the holocaust, he'd began to trust his father...to expect things from him. He wouldn't make that mistake again.
When he reported to the commander that evening with the final mission plans, he stood nervously, not knowing what kind of reception awaited him.
He knocked and was told to enter. He saluted and waited to be spoken to. Was Adama going to let him have it? Was he expecting an apology? Lee stood at attention and waited.
Bill studied his son. He wasn't up to another confrontation like they'd had earlier. He would never tell Lee the real reason he'd kept him off the mission. Because he himself was going and he didn't want their personal problems to interfere with the mission. He held out his hand. "Your report?"
Lee wordlessly handed it over. The two of them studied each other, not sure what to do next. Finally Lee broke the silence. "Permission to speak freely, Sir?"
Bill's internal defenses went to Condition One. What was Lee going to say now? He flashed back to Lee's drug-induced confession in sick bay. He wants to see if I can live with my decisions. I have to show him that I can. "Granted," he responded impassively.
"It is against regulations for me to serve under your command. I realize of course that under the present circumstances there is no alternative. However, regulations are made for a purpose. As we cannot alter our military assignment at this time, I feel there is no choice but to alter any other association which might interfere with our duties. From now on, our relationship should be that of a CAG to a commander. I will expect no more and no less."
Bill felt something inside him twist cruelly upon hearing Lee's words. What was he supposed to say to that? Okay, I won't be your father anymore? No! He wanted to shout, but instead he did what he thought Lee wanted. "Very well, Captain. I'll see you on the hanger deck in the morning. Team assembly at 0730, mission launch at 0800."
"Yes, sir," Lee responded, saluted, and left. Once outside the hatch, he took a moment to think about what had just happened. The commander hadn't said a word to him about his earlier lack of decorum and didn't seem upset by his request that they maintain a solely professional relationship from now on. Maybe that's what he wants. He doesn't want me for a son. Okay, then. Lee determined that he would conduct himself in a manner befitting a Colonial Warrior and give Adama the respect he deserved as his commanding officer, but he would not allow anything personal between them, even when they were off duty.
Saul Tigh was concerned about Bill Adama. He'd seemed distracted all day. Saul knew he had been worried about Lee, but that was behind them now. He thought maybe a drink or two would help. After he'd finished his rotation, he showed up at his friend's door with a bottle of ambrosia. It was a little late but he was sure Bill would still be up.
"I...ah...happened to have this, and thought maybe you'd like to share." Tigh said when Adama opened the hatch.
Adama produced two glasses and Tigh poured. The two men sat on the couch and drank silently for a bit.
"I was wondering. Is everything okay?"
Bill didn't answer at first. He drank the contents of his glass and refilled it. "Lee's not really doing very well."
"Oh come on, Bill. I didn't hit him that hard. He ought to be fine by now."
Adama glared at his friend. He'd hit Lee hard enough to tear his liver and break bones. That wasn't his son's problem, though. He leaned back against the cushions and stared at the ceiling.
"I don't mean physically. He feels betrayed, hurt that I could actually believe he was a Cylon."
"What were you supposed to think? Baltar's test showed 100 Cylon. Who'd have guessed Valerii switched the labels. Plus there was the circumstantial evidence. Boomer just blew up a basestar. Apollo just committed mutiny. Which one would you suspect of being a Cylon?"
Adama pressed his lips into a thin line. "I know. But that doesn't make it easier."
"He's lucky he's not facing a court martial. I could still charge him with assault you know."
"I thought you were trying to help, here," Bill scowled. "Besides, the President has pardoned him. You can't charge him for the same offense, that's double jeopardy."
"I forgot your old man was a lawyer." Tigh muttered. He was just trying to point out that the kid should be grateful he wasn't still in the brig and move on.
The two men sat quietly for awhile, nursing their drinks. Adama wondered why he'd bothered discussing his concerns about Lee with Saul. His friend never liked Lee that well anyway. He absently wondered why. Lee had never done anything to him. He smiled wryly to himself. Until recently, of course.
Tigh was wondering why he'd even asked Bill about his personal problems. He supposed he felt obligated, as they were friends. However, he didn't really want to know, nor did he care, about whatever was going on with Lee. Kids just seemed more trouble that they were worth. He was glad Ellen hadn't wanted any. He sure as hell didn't. He decided to change the subject.
"Bill, I don't think you should go on the mission. It's too risky. We need you here."
"We need me there more. This is something the President and I have to do together."
Saul could see his friend's mind was made up and he knew him well enough to know he would not be swayed once he'd come to a final decision. "Well, at least take a larger marine contingent. The gods only know what..."
Bill interrupted him. "I'm only going to take people who are absolutely necessary. Don't try to argue with me, Saul. There's been enough bloodshed, enough loss."
Tigh nodded. There wasn't really anything else he could say. He dreaded the idea of command for himself. He hoped it was a very temporary situation. He didn't want to even consider the possibility that Bill wouldn't come back.
"Well, I guess I'd better call it a night," Bill finally said, ending the evening. "Thanks for the ambrosia. And the company," he added, knowing Saul was trying to make an overture of friendship and that such displays weren't easy for him.
Saul downed the remainder of the green liquid in his glass and stood. "Goodnight, Bill."
Bill nodded and closed the hatch as Saul left. He had thought he might get some paperwork done this evening, but now all he wanted to do was sleep. He took a moment to clear away the glasses before he got into bed. He wondered briefly if anyone else had noticed that he seemed preoccupied. He decided he didn't care. He wasn't looking forward to this mission at all. He was going off into known Cylon territory to search for something that in all likelihood didn't exist. On a cursed planet. And he was doing it with an inexperienced politician whom he had publicly disparaged, a raptor pilot who was really a Cylon, her ECO who'd knocked her up, and two viper pilots who'd committed mutiny, one of them his own son who now wanted nothing to do with him. With support troops like these, who needs Cylons?