Title: The Adventures of ATM and the UPS Guy

Author: Kaykyaka

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used within this fictional story. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made by this work of fiction.
Ratings: K+

Characters: Lita, Trish Stratus (not married in this story), Melina, DX, Edge, Nitro, Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton.

Summary: A woman's face is turned permanently red by make-up, an iPod makes a man lose his hearing and ATM is on the case!

Three - Monday Night Kisses

RAW backstage:

"Hey guys what's up with Shelton?" Edge asked Nitro as the 3 time IC Champ rolled around on the floor holding his ribs with laughter.

"He's relieved he finally got to talk on RAW tonight," said the arrogant Randy Orton on his way to the showers. That killed Shelton's laughter right there and he was suddenly in a fighting mood as were the rest of the guys in the locker room now, Randy Orton had left an unpleasant taste in all their mouths.

"What's with him?" Nitro asked confused, "He's been so weird recently," and Edge nodded in agreement then he looked over at Carlito who was incessantly wiping his eyes. Edge cocked his eyebrow suspiciously.

"Carlito are you crying?" he asked frankly and that started Shelton right off laughing again.

"Dude that's not funny," he said to Shelton disapprovingly.

"Ask him why he's crying," Shelton said amidst his chuckling and Edge ventured over to the apple biter.

"He said he had something in his eye," Nitro said in his rival's defense.

"Carlito, do you have something in your eye or are you really upset about something?" Edge asked compassionately. Carlito sniffed hard and looked up at Edge with the reddest eyes. It was obvious that he was upset and Edge put his hand on Carllto's arm, "What is it what's wrong?" he asked softly.

"Trish called me last night, she's coming to RAW and I'm so happy!" he said and Edge stared at him blankly. His nose was running and his eyes were wetter than Niagara Falls on a rainy day. Edge looked back at Nitro who couldn't believe Shelton was telling the truth and decided to join him on the floor accompanied eventually by Edge. Eventually the three men were making so much noise DX had to come in a see what all the noise was about.

"Ask him," Edge laughed pointing at Carlito who was still crying and Hunter and Shawn walked over to the crying Carib.

"What's the matter Li, are these guys picking on you because of your hair?" Hunter asked concerned and Carlito shook his head.

"Are they picking on you because of your accent?" Shawn asked and Carlito shook his head and DX looked at each other and shrugged saying together:

"So what you crying for?"

Carlito looked up and said, "Because my girlfriend's coming to see me!" and Shawn could barely disguise his cackling and before he knew it a throaty laugh was ripping from his throat and he was joining Edge, Nitro and Shelton on the floor.

"Now, now, now guys," Triple H said putting his arm around Carlito whose face was leaking right now, "there's nothing funny about a guy crying over Trish Stratus. I mean we all miss her so much already we understand Carlito we really do, but could you do me a favor, just one small thing before I go?" Hunter asked looking at Carlito sweetly and the Puerto Rican nodded through his tears.

"Uh-huh," he said.

"CUT THE CRAP AND GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!" Hunter yelled pulling Carlito up by the shirt.

"Hey that's my boyfriend's shirt you're pulling," said the confident voice of The Truth: Trish Stratus at the doorway of the men's locker room. All the laughing stopped and the guys stood up graciously as she entered their territory. They parted like the Red Sea as she made her way over to Carlito.

"Hey there afro puff, my friends and I are trying a solve a little mystery in the women's locker room and I need a little inspiration, would you like to join us?" she said suggestively and suddenly Carlito didn't feel like crying anymore.

"Lead the way," he said and he sauntered out of the locker room behind his amazing girlfriend leaving the guys with a smirk before he left.

"Afro puff?" they all said together then went right back to laughing on the floor.

In the women's locker room:

"Ur-hum,"

Lita cleared her throat for the millionth time while Trish and Carlito showed her and Melina how much they missed each other by embracing like reunited twins on Ricky Lake and kissing like the unabashed lovers they were. Both Carlito and Trish were starving for each other, since Trish retired she had only seen Carlito twice while she sorted herself out in Canada and Carlito had journeyed back and forth all over the country in tears thinking about how much he missed her. Lita thought about what that meant as the two love-birds made up for lost time; in the long run, the kisses were going to get harder and the embraces longer which meant less time for Melina and herself to pick their compatriot's brain. Lita and Melina needed her as much as Carlito did the only difference was they didn't show it in the same way.

"That's it! I need me some Nitro!" Melina called out suddenly missing her boyfriend but Lita pulled her back.

"Don't you desert me too!" she said and Trish pulled away from Carlito realizing what she was doing.

"Sorry come here guys," she said and Lita and Melina shook their heads.

"No you two go ahead we understand, right Mel – Melina!" Lita called out after the Latina but she was on her way to the men's locker room.

"Oh gees!" Lita exclaimed demurely looking at the box in her hand.

"Give me that," Trish said taking the box and inspecting it closely, "Yep it's a curse alright," she said and dropped the box going back to kiss Carlito. Lita looked at her blankly.

"Trish?" she asked but the blonde was tangled in caramel arms and afro hair. Lita picked up the box and went to find Melina. She didn't have to look far because she was outside the men's locker room door kissing it up with Nitro.

"Melina?" she asked but she might as well have been invisible because Melina wasn't responding to her call. Lita considered her options, she could either wait for both her allies to be satisfied by their boyfriends or she could crack on with the case herself with the information that she had. Okay so I've spoken to two people both live in Texas and have received gifts from UPS in boxes with curses written on them that have caused a skin abnormality and loss of hearing. So this means that there's a connection between the two, the curse and UPS. So all I have to do is go down to the depot and check for any suspicious goings on, but what if more of these gifts are being delivered, how do I stop them? Lita looked over at Melina and figured Trish was pretty much still doing the same thing and sighed. I need someone not attracted to anyone on the male roster.

"Whassup Lita?" called HBK fully dressed, freshly showered and ready to go back to Texas.

"Hey Shawn, what are you doing tomorrow?" Lita called out walking over to the Grand Slam winner.

"Nuthin' just working out," he replied and Hunter lowered his shades looking over at Lita his interest in their conversation becoming very obvious.

"Great, I need you," she said and Hunter gasped and pointed at her accusingly.

"HA! I knew it!" he said and Lita rolled her eyes, "You heard her she needs you! Deny it now Shawnie I dare you to deny it now!" he continued as HBK scowled at him clenching his fists in rage.

"I told you to knock it off!" he said angrily and turned to Lita calmly, "I'm sorry Lita, how can I help you?"

"Well actually I need both of you," she said and Hunter looked at her stunned.

"That's some nerve you got there Lita," Hunter said offended, "You think that The Game would jeopardize his marriage and career for one hour in the sack with you? You're damn right I would, let's go to my hotel room,"

"Hunter!" HBK cried appalled.

"Shawnie if you're not in this thing keep a look out for Edge. No? Okay you can pray for us while we do it, come on Lita," Hunter said taking the red-head by the arm then flinching as a shock of electricity went through his arm like he had just touched an electric fence. HBK's eyes narrowed in curiosity as the red-head looked at them both in amusement. Edge walked up to the notorious twosome and put his arm around Lita.

"Hey doll-face," he said giving her a kiss.

"What was that?" Hunter snapped.

"How quickly you forget," Edge said shaking his head at Hunter pitifully, "No weapon formed against her shall be able to prosper," Sound familiar?"

Shawn began to flash-back and saw terrible images of broken glass and Stephanie McMahon's frightened eyes. Lita touched his hand and told him to relax.

"It's okay Shawn, you're okay now," she said gently and Shawn blushed.

"That anointing's a real turn on huh?" Hunter said nudging HBK suggestively but Shawn pushed him away and said a quick mental prayer to make amends for dishonoring his wife.

Hunter looked down at his groin," And just so we're clear, this is not a weapon, it's an extension of my love and respect for your girlfriend in the form of a huge c-" he explained but Shawn squashed his hand over Hunter's mouth before he could finish.

"As I was saying I need your help, I have to go down to the UPS deport in Texas and I need you guys to destroy a million packages," she said as Hunter tried to shake the feeling back into his arm and Shawn contemplated what she was asking.

"You want us to destroy people's mail?" he asked.

"No Shawn I don't want you to, God wants you to, the mail may be cursed, turns out there was cryptic writing written on the boxes of that iPod and ladies make-up that you saw in the San Antonio Express. Look," she said showing Shawn the box in her hand.

"I can't see anything," Shawn answered looking at the box closely and Lita frowned wondering how come she could and he couldn't, "but if you say it's there then it's there," he said.

"So are you in?" Lita asked then she looked at Hunter warily, "I don't even have to to ask if you're in,"

Hunter nodded, "I'm already there baby," he said and Edge laughed at Hunter's corniness.

HBK nodded, "Anything for the Almighty," he said genuinely and Lita rubbed his arm gratefully.

"I knew I could count on you," she said smiling as HBK savored the warm feeling coming from where her fingers were touching his arm,

"God says thanks," she said and HBK nodded the memory of the past month startling him a little.

"It will be okay Shawn, I promise," Lita reassured him noticing the disturbance in his face.

"Okay," he said his heart warmed by her smile, "See you tomorrow," he said to Lita sweetly.

"She's yours now but she's mine tomorrow you lucky sonofabitch!" Hunter said to Edge as Shawn pulled his friend towards the exit.

"I apologize for my friend he's eternally horny," Shawn said and Lita shrugged.

"Well I'll give him a call if I've got a spare 15 minutes," Lita replied and she shared a big laugh with Shawn and a contemptuous scowl ran over Hunter's face.

"Hey man I can go for a lot longer than that!" he said as laughter rang out of the men's locker room, "Hey shut up in there!" Hunter cried indignantly.

"Man what's with all the kissing?" Edge said sticking his head in the women's locker room and noticing Melina and Nitro outside the door of the men's locker room.

"Lina and Trish are extremely busy getting to know their boyfriends a little better but it's cool, I've got a back-up plan," Lita said watching as Shawn dragged Hunter out of the building.

"I don't know if you can trust that plan," Edge said as Hunter drew the outline of a female shape with his hands and started thrusting his pelvis towards it with Shawn looking away appalled.

"Don't worry, Shawn won't let him touch me," Lita answered and Edge looked at her with a frown.

"Shawn? Don't you mean God?" he asked and Lita threw her arms around him and gave him a big kiss.

"Sorry force a habit," she said and he pulled her in an even bigger kiss.

"Man this kissing thing is infectious," Nitro said as Edge and Lita kissed it up next to him and Melina.

"Look at him just rubbing it in our faces," Hunter said scowling at the sight of Edge and Lita kissing. Shawn kissed Hunter on the cheek.

"Feel better?" Shawn asked playfully and Hunter's face darkened.

"I'm rooming with Umaga tonight," he said and walked off to his rental car with Shawn smiling behind him.