Title: The Adventures of ATM and the UPS Guy
Author: Kaykyaka
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used within this fictional story. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made by this work of fiction.
Ratings: K+
Characters: Lita, Trish Stratus (not married in this story), Melina, DX, Edge, Nitro, Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton.
Summary: A woman's face is turned permanently red by make-up, an iPod makes a man lose his hearing and ATM is on the case!
Five - Strangers in a Taxi
Stamford, Connecticut:
The news coverage of the UPS depot implosion was more extensive then Lita had hoped, so extensive that the media had chased Vince McMahon into his office asking him whether he authorized the "latest DX prank".
"I just wanna know what prank the media's talking about?" Vince said to Shawn, Hunter and Lita whom he demanded come to Stamford and explain themselves.
"Well we kinda backed a freight truck into a steel shaft and it collapsed onto the UPS loading dock," Hunter explained, "Sorry,"
"WHAT!" Vince said his eyebrows almost lifting off his head.
"Hey we were just trying to get to know our fan base a little better," Shawn explained.
"UPS delivery men and factory workers?" Vince said incredulously.
Shawn shrugged, "Well we can't all come from your semen you know,"
Hunter chuckled and Vince scowled at him.
"I have no doubt that this was your idea Helmsley," he said.
"Look what does it matter? We're on the news again! You love it when the Fed gets in the news," Hunter said trying to placate Vince.
"But not for destroying public property!" Vince shouted thumbing his fist on the desk, "And causing a damn implosion!"
"Watch your mouth Vince," Lita said suddenly and Shawn and Hunter nearly collapsed in surprise.
"Excuse me?" Vince said darkly and Lita decided to revert back to character.
"Mr. McMahon DX had nothing to do with that!" Lita said on Shawn and Hunter's behalf, "In fact if they hadn't called all the workers out of the building the implosion would have killed them all,"
"I don't even wanna know why you were there Lita," Vince said turning to the red-head.
"I was checking out all the packages of course," she answered cheekily and Hunter and Shawn giggled.
"I should have known," Vince replied, "okay that's enough dammit!" he shouted at Shawn and Hunter who were still laughing.
"Vince please watch your language," Hunter said trying not to laugh anymore.
"I mean, gosh darn it, oh to Hell with all of you!" he shouted, "In the future I want to me made well aware in advance of any public appearances any of you degenerates will be making in the future, got it?" The three Superstars shook their heads, "Good, dismissed," he said putting his feet up on the desk and reading the newspaper as Hunter, Shawn and Lita left the room.
"Thank Heavens!" Lita exclaimed as they exited the office.
"That was close," Hunter said and nudged Lita on the arm, "Nice save with the "package" line, do you know what Vince would have done to you if he found out that you caused the implosion?"
"I have some idea," Lita answered, the words "YOU'RE FIRED!" ringing through her head.
"He called you a degenerate, that means you're one of us now," Hunter said putting his arm around her.
"I still can't believe how powerful you are," Shawn said impressed.
"Well I couldn't have done it without God that's for sure. Thanks guys I really needed you today," Lita said shaking each of their hands.
"Anything for you my darling," Hunter cooed squeezing Lita so that there was no space between them.
"Hunter get off her or I'll pull you off," Shawn said and Hunter raised his eyebrows surprised at Shawn's menacing tone and took his arms from around Lita's shoulders.
"What you gonna do with him?" Hunter asked referring to the stocky UPS guy waiting in the lounge for Lita to return.
"That right there is the key to this whole thing," Lita answered and her cell-phone rang.
"Hello?" she said.
"I'm outside," Melina said looking up at Titan Towers.
"Okay I'll be down in a minute," Lita said and hung up. She stretched out her arms and Shawn hugged her, Hunter decided to just wave. "Thanks again," she said.
"See you later," Hunter said and Shawn smiled at her and she smiled back happy that his opinion of her has changed considerably since yesterday. She turned to the UPS guy and headed towards him pocketing her cell-phone.
"Sorry about the wait, my boss is a very demanding man," she said as he folded up the newspaper and stood to his feet.
"That's alright, I've never seen Connecticut," he said, "I never flown First Class either. Thanks for paying for my flight,"
"That's quite alright, let's go my friend's waiting for us," Lita said walking with the UPS guy to the elevator.
Outside:
Melina was waiting for Lita with a smile eager to meet the man that was at the heart of the bizarre gift-related abnormalities.
"Hey there!" she said stretching out her hand, "How's it feel to be free of demon possession?" she asked.
"It's alright," the man said inertly and Melina was taken aback by his indifferent attitude and looked at Lita with a shrug.
Lita shrugged back, "This is Melina," she said.
"I know who she is," the UPS guy replied and Melina was taken further aback.
"Oh so you're a fan?" she asked.
"No," he answered flatly, "you're the one who got Mick Foley fired,"
"Yeah but that was before I got saved," Melina replied.
"Saved from what from losing your job of prancing around trying to look pretty?" the UPS guy responded offensively.
"Hey it's not an act I am pretty!" Melina reacted arrogantly.
"If you like that Latin look," the UPS guy responded and Lita had to restrain Melina because the Diva was about to three seconds from taking the UPS guy's head off.
"Okay let's calm down we've got to work with this guy," Lita said to Melina who was fired up and ready to fight.
"He dissed my ancestry, ordained by God or not, I gotta throw down for my people, viva la raza!" Melina shouted out.
"Ssh!" Lita said pulling Melina's flailing arms back down to her side, "You have the authority to heal not kill, let me talk to him okay?" she said and Melina stood still boring a hole into the man's head with her eyes. Lita walked back over to the UPS guy and made as nice as she could without seeming artificially sweet.
"Hey man, I just wanted to make sure your attitude towards Melina is based on her convincing portrayal of an evil wench on RAW and not against Latinos in general. You don't have anything against Latinos do you?" she asked and the UPS guy folded his arms resolutely.
"Why are you Latino?" he asked abrasively.
"No," Lita answered, "but a lot of my friends are like Melina and Rey-Rey and –"
"Carlito!" Melina called out suddenly.
"And Carlito he's cool! But it's like not really cool to be dissing people because of their ancestry," Lita explained not seeing Carlito coming up behind her.
"Not this guy again," the UPS guy said shaking his head at the approaching Puerto Rican and the Canadian blond pulling him over to Lita and Melina by his ear. Lita turned to see what all the commotion was about.
"Now Melina there's no need to start cussing in Spanish," she started to say when she saw Carlito and Trish standing behind her, "Oh Carlito it's you," she said, "Trish, what are you doing here?"
"Yeah I thought you went home to Canada?" Melina said curiously her anger against the UPS guy subsiding for the moment.
"Hey guys, I was but I got a word from the Holy Spirit that this man may have a reason for doing what he did," Trish said motioning to the UPS guy who wasn't too impressed at seeing Carlito.
"What do you mean?" Lita asked and Trish thrust Carlito in front of the UPS guy.
"Do you know this man sir?" she asked the UPS guy.
"I sure do," the UPS guy answered unhappily, "this is the sonofabitch who spit apple in my face!" he said and Lita and Melina gasped in disbelief.
"Carlito you didn't!" Lita exclaimed and the usually cool one nodded that yes in fact he did.
"You lost your cool?" Melina asked surprised at Carlito.
"Yes and I'm going to lose my ear if you don't let go!" he said to Trish and she reluctantly let go whacking him over the head for good measure.
"You know why he did it?" Trish asked Lita and Melina.
"Why?" they asked together.
"Because I delivered a package late," the UPS guy said and Lita and Melina shook their head at Carlito disapprovingly.
"Oh Carlito," Lita said disappointed.
"I was mad I wanted Trish to have that package before she left for Canada," he explained rubbing his ear.
"That doesn't give you the right to spit in the UPS guy's face," Melina said.
"I know, look dude you travel all across America delivering packages, have you any idea what it's like traveling for hours on a plane or bus waiting for the week to end so you can finally see your girlfriend who you haven't seen in weeks?" Carlito asked the UPS guy.
"Sure I understand, travel can be as lonely as Hell," the UPS guy said sympathetically.
"Right and I'm sorry but when you showed up at my hotel room with that package, I just couldn't express my anger any other way then to spit in your face and I'm sorry, really, I was out of line," Carlito said sincerely.
"Well I thought I'd never trust a Latino again after that," the UPS guy said, "but I can see that you really wanted to treat you girl so I forgive you dude,"
The UPS guy stretched out his hand and Carlito shook it.
"Happy now?" Carlito said to Trish.
"Not yet, Carlito wasn't the reason you cursed all those packages, something else happened that day," Trish said.
"Look I don't know exactly what happened there," the UPS guy said throwing his hands up in the air innocently, "I was pretty mad at Carlito and the Latino population in general but I don't remember cursing anyone," he said.
"What happened after you delivered the package?" Lita asked.
"I wanted to get out of the hotel as fast as possible when this guy came over to me and told me he saw what Carlito did and gave me a huge tip to make up for it," the UPS guy said.
"Somebody offered you a tip? That's pretty weird," Melina said.
"Sure was generous though," Lita said, "How much was it?"
"$100," the UPS guy answered.
"Whoa," they all exclaimed in surprise.
"He must have been a wrestler too and was afraid that you would sue," Lita said hitting Carlito on the arm.
"Do you remember what the guy looked like?" Melina asked.
"Really good looking, always had his chin up in the air and he's got barb wire tattoos on his forearms," the UPS guy answered unaware that he had just described Randy Orton, "I guess I must have gone home after that I don't really remember what happened next,"
"So you don't remember spending that $100?" Lita asked.
"Not really," the UPS guy replied.
"Do you remember what you did with it?" she asked again.
"Sure I put it in my wallet with the rest of my money," he answered.
"Can I see it?" Lita asked.
"Okay," the UPS guy said taking out his wallet, "Here you go," he said giving the $100 bill to Lita. Trish and Melina came over and looked at the bill too then they all looked at each other with the same expression.
"Is everything alright?" the UPS guy asked them after awhile. Lita quickly exchanged the bill he gave them with one of her own before answering.
"Yeah fine, look you've been under a lot of stress on account of the WWE, we'd love to buy you dinner before you head back to Texas," Lita said giving him back the bill.
"Sure I'd love that I'm starved," the UPS guy answered putting the $100 bill back in his wallet, "Oh and Melina? Apologies to you and your people, Latinos are cool!" he said giving her the Mick Foley thumbs up.
"Thank you," Melina said gratefully.
"But what you did to Mick Foley was wrong, Latino or not," the UPS guy added and Melina lowered her head feeling bad about the whole thing herself. Lita threw her arm around her compassionately while Trish hailed a cab.
"That $100 bill had a curse on it," Trish whispered to Lita, "and I'm getting a really weird vibe from the UPS guy,"
"Why?" Melina asked.
"Because he just lied to you," Trish answered.
"So Randy's didn't curse the money?" Melina asked.
"No," Trish answered.
"But he's been acting so weird lately. Do you think it's because of what happened in Bridgeport?" Melina asked.
"He nearly died you guys, maybe he got more hurt that night than we realized," Lita said concerned as they all filed into the cab.
"Where to folks?" the cab driver said.
How about to the end of the block?" Trish answered and everyone frowned at her then looked to where she was looking and saw the Legend Killer talking to DX at the top of the street.
"It's Randy!" Melina cried.
"Everybody out!" Lita said moving out of the cab.
"Carlito you stay with the UPS guy," Trish said.
"What?" Carlito said horrified.
"Take this man to a nice restaurant, I'll meet you at the airport," Trish said and got out of the cab before Carlito had a chance to argue his point. As she ran off with Lita and Melina Carlito slumped down in his seat and shook his head in despair.
"Hey man, are you going to let her get away again?" the UPS guy said to the forlorn Puerto Rican. Carlito shook his head.
"Have you any idea what it's like traveling for hours on a plane or bus waiting for the week to end so you can finally see your girlfriend who you haven't seen in weeks and then she puts you in a cab with a stranger and runs off with her friends?" he answered.
"She prefers it that way," the UPS guy observed "it's all part of the fun,"
"Yeah well I prefer to have fun with my girlfriend, not without her," Carlito replied, "We're going uptown,"
"You got it," the cab driver said.
"No, I had it," Carlito said as the cab pulled away from the girl that broke his heart, but not for long. The cab suddenly grinded to a halt and Carlito and the UPS guy pitched forward.
"It's him it's the guy that gave me that $100!" The UPS guy exclaimed and Carlito looked up and saw Randy on top of the cab's hood scrambling round the side of the car trying to get in. He successfully opened the door and dove in with Hunter, Shawn, Nitro, Edge and Shelton running towards him.
"Drive man now!" he shouted to the cab driver and Carlito looked at him nonchalantly.
"Are you kidding?" he said and opened the cab door and pushed Randy back out. He tried to run from DX, Shelton, Edge and Nitro but it was no good, the guys cornered him and slammed him against the car so he didn't move. ATM slid in from the other side unnoticed by the people watching the spectacle on the sidewalk.
"Carlito, grab Orton!" Trish said.
Carlito rolled his eyes and reluctantly pulled Randy through the window causing the Legend Killer to scream out in pain.
"Oh no," Lita said looking out the cab window at the man silver-haired mogul power-walking his way over to the cab.
"Drive man drive!" Hunter said banging on the cab roof and the cab driver sped around the corner before Vincent K. McMahon could get anywhere near the occupants of the cab, instead Vince was left on the sidewalk with two IC Champs, a former World Champ and two degenerates.
Meanwhile in the taxi:
"Hey thanks for the tip man," the UPS guy said turning to Randy who was frustrated at having to spend time with his least favorite people again.
"I will tip you again if you can get me out of this cab," Randy replied.
"Yeah Randy we wanna talk to you about that tip," Lita said.
"Is that why you had your boys attack me?" Randy said defensively, "Because I gave a guy a generous tip? I didn't do anything wrong!"
"If you didn't do anything wrong why did you run when you saw us coming?" Melina asked.
"Because your boys were chasing me!" Randy said offended.
"That wasn't until after you started running," Lita replied, "but we're gonna get to the bottom of this Randy,"
"Yeah we're gonna solve this case just like we did before," Melina said and the cab driver frowned at the nature of the discussion they were having.
"Guys you're paranoid, let me out!" Randy said reaching for the handle but Carlito slapped his hand away.
"Relax," he said, "I could think of worse ways to spend my time than in a cab with three gorgeous women," Carlito said turning to Trish but she wasn't listening, she was preoccupied and Carlito wondered if she was alright.
"Trish you alright?" he asked leaning over towards her.
"Wait, wait," she said putting her hand up and Carlito sunk back down and crossed his arms stubbornly, I feel like I've been waiting forever he said to himself.
"It sounds like you guys have some unfinished business to take care of I think I'll pass on dinner and just go back to Texas," the UPS guy said.
"No," Trish replied firmly picking up on a message from the Holy Spirit, "you must come with us this thing isn't over yet,"
"What thing what are you guys talking about?" Randy asked as they pulled up to a very familiar house that struck terror into Randy Orton's heart as he caught sight of it, "What the Hell are we doing back here?" he said on the verge of panic.
"Like I said we're going to get to the bottom of this," Lita answered, "thanks," she said to the cab driver giving him his fare. As he pulled away the UPS guy looked up at a very attractive young woman with a baby in her arms.
"Here we go again," Carlito said taking hold of Randy's arm as the Legend Killer tried to evade his present company. Lita put her arm around Trish who still looked distant and coupled with that was a look of concern.
"What is it Truth?" Lita asked her.
"You know when we were here before?" Trish said to Lita as Melina came over to them, "I don't think we got the job done,"
Melina and Lita looked at each other then they looked up at the house wondering what would happen to them inside there this time.