Title: My Immortal

Author: jedi87angel

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Depressing, references to m/m sex

Summary: Obi Wan's thoughts after TPM, inspired by 'My Immortal' of Evanescence

Disclaimer: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn and the events of TPM belong to George Lucas (if they were mine, everything would look a little different...)
The lyrics of 'My Immortal' belong to Evanescence, this fiction is just inspired by them.
No money is being made here – it's just the contrary…

Author's Note: italics are the lyrics

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

Master, I don't want to live without you. I need you to soothe my fears, like you did when I was younger. I need you to tell me everything's going to be alright.
But it won't be, will it? I need you to tell me I'm good enough. That I could make it without you. Ant that's exactly why I can't. Ironic, isn't it?

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave

Why couldn't it be for us just like it is for other Master/Padawan pairs? I would take my trials, become a knight, and we'd part for missions, knowing we could see each other as often as on Coruscant.
Now I am a knight. A poor excuse for one. I feel so hollow, so empty. You didn't leave. You were taken.

Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These rooms are still so full of you.
Are you surprised that I stayed in our old quarters? Now our old bedroom is mine and Anakin lives in my old room.
Our bed still wears your scent. I soak it in as my tears fall onto the pillow. It tells me that you'll always be here. There will always be a trace of you in these rooms. It calms me somehow.
But it also reminds me. Of life. And of love.

These wounds won't seem to heal

You know, I didn't let them heal the burn from the Sith's sabre. I will keep the scar. It's just so insignificant. It doesn't matter. Not with you gone.

This pain is just too real

I felt your pain when that creature's lightsaber hit you. I felt it through our bond, even though you tried to shield me from it. Our bond was so strong. Did you know we might have had a lifebond? That we already had the beginnings of one?

There's just too much that time cannot erase

I will always be haunted by that battle. Every night, every time I dream I will see that red energy blade entering your body, tearing your life from you.
I will be haunted by your last words, every time I see Anakin. And each time I'll wonder if I'm good enough.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

You kept telling me that I was the one to make you open your heart again after Xanatos. But I still had to fight him, the memory of him, for a long time. Even after years I'd need to prove that I wouldn't hurt and leave you. I wouldn't betray you. I'd often have to invade your dreams and battle him. But finally he left you alone.

And I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have all of me

So many missions we were on together.
So many battles we've fought side by side, back to back
We knew each other's movements by instinct, we just did so well together.
Our final battle I had to end by myself, but I did it with your lightsaber. Together still.

You used to captivate my
By your resonating life

Form the very beginnings I was amazed and impressed by the way the Living Force swirled around you. And later, when I learned that beneath all that serenity you were most passionate, you let me become part of it.
Those were the times when I could feel the Living Force like you did, when I could touch it like you did.
It made us one.

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Will we be one again? Sometime? Any time?
I long to follow you. But I have to stay alive and train the boy. Make Anakin the Jedi he could be. Just like you made me.
I want to be with you but first I have a mission here to complete.

Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams

It seems you have been and will be protagonist of my dreams all my life. As an initiate I dreamed of you taking me as your Padawan. As a Padawan I dreamed of you loving me and making love to me. As your lover, I dreamed of you staying with me forever.
And now, as the one left behind, I keep dreaming of my failure. Of the moment my most cherished dreams were shattered.

Your voice had chased away
All the sanity in me

'Train the boy. He's the Chosen One'
I promised to do so. But now I'm going mad thinking I'm not good enough. I have wronged your trust. You'd do much better. I'm not even really a knight myself. It's all wrong.
I'm not worth being a knight, let alone the Chosen One's Master. It should be you. You should have survived and trained him.
Not me.

These wounds won't seem to heal

My heart broke the moment your lifeforce left your body. And no-one could ever mend it but you. And you're gone. You're not there to heal me anymore.

This pain is just too real

I felt it physically. When you died, when our bond vanished, I lost a most important part of me. Like my heart had been torn out.
My soul is not whole any longer, will never be as long as I live, and it causes pain. Unbearable pain.

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Sometimes I wish we had never been together. Or at least had not fallen in love with each other. Had never had that bond.
But now I know you powerful and beautiful it feels to be loved by you, to be held in your arms, to be kissed by those wonderfully soft, loving lips of yours. To feel your hot skin against mine.
I know what your skin tastes like; I know all the parts of your body you like to have touched and just in which way to touch them to draw those sweet sounds from your lips.
I have been in paradise only to be thrown out into a cold desert.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I remember how you cried the first time we made love. I saw the tears in your eyes when you told me you were afraid of hurting me, your virgin apprentice.
So many times you asked if I truly wanted it. I kissed away your tears while we joined only to find myself crying when we were so beautifully united in body and mind.
It was the most wonderful experience in my life.

And I held your hands through all of these years
And you still have all of me

We have been lovers for almost five years. We had dreamed of staying together after my knighting. Together for all our lives. But your life is over now, ended by the weapon of that diabolic Sith.
I killed him, but it doesn't bring you back to me. A don't feel relieved about it.
In fact I feel nothing but my everlasting love for you. You're part of the Force now, as I will be once my body dies. I still dare to hope your spirit is still out there, waiting for me to be together again.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

I have come a long way, realizing that since we're separated now, I have to cope on my own for a while. You cannot help me at the moment, and I cannot even feel our bond anymore. I just have to make it somehow without you, don't I?
I miss you.

But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Some nights, when I'm too tired to sleep, I think I can feel your presence with me. I think I can feel your touch. But when I open my eyes you're not there.
You're out of my reach, you whom I could always rely on. Now I have no-one to talk to, no-one to trust with my feelings. Where are you, Qui Gon? I miss you.
But I feel your presence near me at night, still taking care of me, guarding me, and I hope that when my task here is fulfilled, I will not be alone any longer. We would be together again.
One again.