Chapter Two: Should I Stay or Should I go?
A/N note: I am SO sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth! I have been so busy sorting out my arrangements for my teacher training and planning for a summer camp I am doing – IN DC! Anyway, I SHOULD be back now – here's to hoping.
Ever since Ben's suggestion to go to LA and Alex's agreement to go with said suggestion, he had been very quiet. This was his process when he was working through something. He stayed quiet, 'turning his mind inside out' as Ben used to call it. He'd been reminded several times that it wasn't necessary, that he could talk through it all with Ben or Tom or even Alice. However, he had been solving his own problems by himself for far too long that the solo tactic was instinctive.
The truth was when he agreed with Ben's plan, he wasn't entirely sure about it. He agreed, mostly because he was too used to saying 'yes sir' to whatever an adult said, that he didn't truly think it through when he gave Ben his answer. That didn't mean that he didn't agree with it. It didn't mean he did either though. Damn! Why were things always so complicated?
"Alex!"
His thoughts were abruptly interrupted but a nudge to his elbow and his name being yelled out. Immediately, his fight or flight senses flicked into action – the former being stronger than the latter. His muscles were tense and ready for an attack and he rose his fists to defend himself from – Tom. It was just Tom. No SCORPIA or rich lunatic. Just his best friend Tom looking sheepishly at him in his maths class.
"Sorry," Tom apologised, slightly embarrassed. He knew better than to touch Alex without warning, especially when he had that glassed-eye look on his face. Even before Ian died, his best friend was always a little jumpy. Alex had told him once when Tom had asked, that his Uncle taught him that could never assume anything. To assume makes a corpse out of you and me.
Alex let out a sigh of relief. He felt silly for having that reaction. All that Tom had done was gently nudge his shoulder and he'd nearly gone full James Bond on him. He smiled at Tom softly, to let him know that everything was alright.
"What's the matter, Alex?" Tom inquired after a few seconds of silence.
Alex shrugged. "What makes you think something is the matter?"
"Because I know that when you're that quiet with that particular look in your eye, something is living rent-free inside your head and my bet is that isn't the new Ed Sheeran song."
The pair chuckled at the thought of either of them listening to any song written by Ed Sheeran. Their music tastes were more classic than that. Alex sighed. He knew he was supposed to be sharing these things with people but that was easier said than done. Tom was different though; he always had been. Tom had always been easy to talk to and had been something of his confidant since everything with Mason had gone down. But even with Tom's easy-to-talk-to demeanour, Alex still had trouble sharing his feelings.
"Alec? Tom?" Mrs Chambers' voice prevented any further discussion. There was a concerned but slightly warning tone in it. "Is everything alright?"
Mrs Chambers was one of the nicer teachers at Brooklands. She seemed to genuinely care about her students and did not assume that everything they did had a nefarious motive behind them. She could be a hard ass if and when the situation required it but she also knew when to give them the benefit of the doubt.
"Yes, miss," Tom answered. "Sorry."
"Alex?" Mrs Chambers turned to him; her eyebrows raised in the same question.
"Yeah, miss. Everything is alright, I'm sorry for interrupting." Alex confirmed.
After a warning to try and pay attention, Mrs Chambers went back to the lesson. Tom still looked at him questioningly and Alex knew that his best friend would not let the matter drop so easily.
"I'll tell you everything at dinner, Tom," Alex promised. He had no intention of getting into further trouble and the discussion they were going to have could not happen while doing trigonometry.
Tom did not look too happy with letting delaying the conversation. He was probably concerned that Alex was stalling and when dinner did come he would try and avoid the conversation once more. He was also no doubt worried that he would be stewing on this until then too. Luckily, he did not press the matter and then back to the textbook the two shared.
"LA?" Tom questioned, wrinkling his nose and the two waited their turn in the dinner queue. "As in Los Angeles, as in California as in where the Pleasures live?"
Alex sighed. He could tell that Ton was fighting between sounding excited and being concerned. It had been pretty much expected for him, as he had expressed his wish to travel to America some time but he also knew what LA meant to him and how difficult for him it could be.
"Yes, Thomas," He replied shaking his head and rolling his eyes, "LA as in Los Angeles. My therapist told him it would be a good idea to go back there and create new memories. She said it would be a good step in the healing process."
"Okay Alexander," Tom retorted, putting the same stress on Alex's full name as his friend had his. "What do you think? What do you want?"
Alex really wasn't sure. He could tell that Ben thought this was good for him and he trusted his guardian with his life. If going to LA would help him, he wanted to at least try but that didn't mean he was totally crazy about that idea. But part of him still believed that he had to obey and do what Ben wanted lest he is punished for it. And part of him felt excited at the prospect of doing something so incredibly normal. He'd been to so many places all over the world but never to just be a kid.
"It doesn't matter what I think," He spoke finally.
Tom didn't say anything for a while. Not as they paid, and not as they took their seats. As always, Alex instinctively chose the table that offered them the fullest view of the canteen while still providing the best, escape. Tom let his friend canvass the surroundings for a few seconds before he spoke.
"Alex, what you think does matter," Tom reminded him softly. "Ben would be the first to tell you that if this holiday is what you want then it doesn't have to happen. Are you worried that Ben's going to hit you if you refuse?"
Well, yes. He did. Logically he knew that probably wasn't true. Ben had more than proved that he would never hit him or purposefully harm him in any way. Being beaten was no longer a risk he faced daily. When he did screw up, Ben would only discuss it with him and at worst ground him. That didn't mean that he wasn't still scared that one day, it would all be too much for him, that one day, he would say or do something that makes Ben backhand him. And that was where it all started. Mason and Blunt's beatings hurt him but if Ben raised a hand to him – it would kill him.
"I do want to go to LA," Alex told him. "I'm just scared for what might happen. Knowing that's where the pleasure lived, knowing that's where they died and knowing everything that led to that."
Alex harboured a lot of guilt about the Pleasures, and no matter what Alice or Ben told him he always knew that he was responsible, at least on some level, for their deaths. He was worried that going back to LA would be too much and that guilt would overtake him.
"Well, you know, Ben will be there too," Tom pointed out. "You can always tell him if things get too much for you. And I will be available you know – FaceTime is a wonderful thing."
After a promise to keep in contact, the subject came to an end. Alex would not prospect more discussion about that topic. Tom had known Alex a long time, long enough to know when to push and when to leave well alone. This was a case of the latter rather than the former. So that was the end of the topic.
By the time the bell rang to signify the end of the day, the students of Brooklands Secondary were restless. The teachers had given up holding orders as they ran from their classrooms and into the freedom of the streets. The half-term holidays had come and not a moment too soon as far he was concerned.
When Alex got home, it was to the sight of Ben surrounded by clothes and other items. He had a list in his hand and was working his way through it, systematically checking it against the contents of his suitcase.
"Completing the final checks?" Alex commented with a slight smile. Ben had checked and double-checked their suitcases throughout the week. It seemed like he treated preparing for a holiday with the same vigour as preparing for a mission. Alex couldn't blame him though, knowing that he too would take it just as seriously. Being a secret agent taught you to prepare as much as you could.
"I thought it wouldn't hurt," Ben responded as packed the sun cream. "There's a snack in the kitchen. When you're done can you please check that there isn't anything more you need to take?"
"Copy that," Alex affirmed.
Part of him wanted to argue that he didn't need a snack waiting for him when he got home from school. Ben had prepared one every day since Alex began to live with him, on the advice of Alex's countless doctors. However, that was then and this was now and Alex was certain that his health had improved enough to not need it anymore. On the other hand, there was another part of him that loved that Ben cared enough to do this for him.
As Alex munched on his grapes and cheese, he also knew that he hadn't quite reached the moment where he could question Ben on something yet. He had come close a few times but nothing that could truly be considered 'resistance'. Once he had washed up his plate and cup, he went back upstairs to finish packing. This time tomorrow, they would be on a plane.
Two and a half years of being an agent meant that Alex was more than used to early starts. It seemed that terrorists and murders didn't care about his Circadian rhythm, nor did they require sleep on anything close to a regular schedule. The result of this was that both Ben and Alex were awake long before they needed to be, and the two sipped their tea in the low light of the kitchen lights.
"What time do we need to be at the airport?" Alex questioned.
"The flight is at 8, and we need to be there at least three hours early to give us time to work our way through security, so 5 am at the least. It shouldn't take more than twenty minutes to get there." Ben replied.
"So, we're about T-minus 1 hour before we got to leave."
Ben smiled. Habits were hard to break. It was why Alex still used the lingo he did when he was on the job. Still, at least it was being used for something as normal as planning for a holiday and then planning for a dangerous mission to save the world.
"Come on," Ben finished the last of his tea. "Let's pack the car,"
Alex followed Ben out of the kitchen door, leaving the mugs on the side. He was going to clean them when he finished packing the boot. However, what with checking to make sure that they had their passports and other required documents, he completely forgot. He only realised as the car drove away, that he had left the two dirty mugs on the side. Crap! Well, there wasn't anything he could do about it now. Ben wasn't like Mason – he wouldn't hit him for forgetting to do that. He would just have to clean it once they returned from the holiday – they had more important things to worry about!
"You ready?" Ben asked.
Alex realised what Ben was asking. He was checking for a final time, that he was alright and that the holiday was still the right thing for him. Yes, he had already booked the hotel and yes, he had already paid for everything, but Ben was still checking that he was alright. If this was Mason, he wouldn't even ask to begin with, unless he was testing him. Of course, failing that test meant punishment but that wasn't what Ben was aiming for. He was genuinely asking if it was ok with him. He still would feel guilty if he changed his mind. Anyway, this would probably be good for him.
"Yeah, I'm ready. I'm excited." Alex told him earnestly.
While he was telling the truth about that, the feeling inside of him was definitely exciting, there was something else too. A feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him something wasn't quite right. He pushed it down. It was only because he had spent so many times travelling to countries to save the world. His past experiences with travel usually ended up with him nearly dying. He was just reacting like he usually did. Like Alice said, it was PTSD. That was it. Wasn't it? Of course, it was. For once, everything was going to be alright. There was no need to worry.