Chapter 273

I Have

Cameron knew she'd been played. John played his hand well. This is one thing she hadn't seen coming. Very little ever got past her, this blindsided her. It was all a big surprise to her. Now she hated surprises even more.

"I'm very upset you knew what I'd already done and played this 'game' out." Cameron said. "You must be proud of yourself for further humiliating me. Thank you for not doing it in front of everyone."

Cameron thought back on how John humiliated her in front of his family. The things he did and said to her, the way that he always backed Future Riley over her. Then there was that smirk on his face as he went up the stairs. She still felt 'that look' on her face as she understood what they'd 'done'. All of those things added up to how he really 'cared' about her. She hadn't forgotten nor was she about to forget any of them. She couldn't. That was probably why Future John erased much of her 'life' with him in the future. He was probably ashamed of his own actions, not hers.

John didn't see it as a big deal. He knew Cameron was known for pulling 'fast ones'. He didn't believe Cameron was honest to herself about how she really felt about him. He wanted to 'help' her see what her real feelings were. He believed that what they 'felt' for each other was more than just 'her job' or 'function' as directed by Future John. He knew that was true even if she would not admit it.

"I wanted to see how far you would go." John said. "It was done to try to show you what you really feel inside. I know you are hiding it now even. I KNOW IT. I wanted to PROVE to you that you love me. You know I love you."

Cameron wasn't 'sold' on that as the truth. Maybe that was part of the problem. She really planned to 'leave' after River rejected her so that John could move his life forward. Everything was set in motion to that effect.

"And if a time bubble would have appeared, then what?" Cameron asked. "I would have left."

John took a gamble on that. It was a big one. He knew from John Henry that she was constructing a TDE at her base and that Sheila was in charge of it and why. He thought he could 'play a card' and put the brakes on that.

"If that actually would have happened then I knew it would have been something other than your own doing." John said. "I asked Jesse to call Sheila and convince her not to initiate a time transfer with your TDE. Only the 'Jesse' in Sheila would make her listen to Jesse, she wouldn't listen to me."

What John did not know was that Savannah listened to the conversation from the background. Savannah saw that John played a 'face card'. She played an 'ace'. It was Savannah's call to Sheila that mattered. Jesse didn't convince Sheila not to follow Cameron's orders. It was Savannah that did. Sheila was moved by what the 'Chosen One' asked her to do or not do in this case. Savannah asked her to not mention the conversation to anyone and 'forget' it ever occurred. That was what happened.

Cameron did not see how John could have known that. Maybe there was someone coaching him. It was probably John Henry. It could have been Bob or Jim as well.

"How did you know that would happen?" Cameron inquired.

John wanted to point out her 'method' of doing things was unorthodox to say the least. He tried to keep the conversation light at the end.

"I didn't but I suspected you would try to pull a 'fast one' to make your scheme, no, manipulation work." John said. "We tracked you yesterday and saw everything. Did I ever tell you how good you look naked?"

Cameron suppressed a smile at the last part of what he said.

"You may have mentioned it a few times, usually you are too 'eager' to do other things rather than talk." Cameron said. "I've become too predictable."

Cameron didn't like being 'read' like a book. She figured maybe it was John Henry who alerted John as to what could happen. John would have needed John Henry to help track her too.

John didn't want it to be or seem like it was any malice towards Cameron but she'd left him high and dry multiple times. Sometimes it was for months, once it was over a year. He also still felt a lot of guilt over Future Riley. It was not only what they'd done together. He was responsible for Future Riley's death indirectly. He was also painfully aware now how badly it hurt Cameron at the time and still did for that matter. He did not want to make that mistake again even if it was what Cameron 'said' she wanted. He believed that was her 'programming' talking and not her true feelings.

"Maybe it's because you have pulled stunts like this too many times." John said. "Cameron, I can not, I will not have sex with your friends while you are still my wife. That is something you must accept."

This left Cameron with only one option. It was the only way to 'help' John. It called to her from 'inside' her to do what was best for John.

Cameron looked at John for a long while and then it just slipped out.

"John…." Cameron started. "I want a divorce…."

Holly was extremely distraught. Her hand started to glitch. She wondered if this was some residual aftereffect of having Duplicate Cameron on her chip for fifteen months. Maybe this was all on her and her inability to deal with reality. She started to run millions of calculations. She tried to hang on to sanity. She believed that she was losing the battle. She really didn't know how Cameron was able to deal with these 'feelings' and still function.

Allison saw Holly was 'melting down'.

She'd seen Cameron like this before and worked with her. She tried to find out what was wrong and fix it.

They discussed it.

Allison wanted to laugh but she could see how far 'gone' Holly was at this point.

"No, Holly, I'm not marrying John." Allison said.

Holly was there when this event happened. Cameron even told her that she was 'sorry for her loss'.

"But I heard him ask you." Holly said. "I heard you agree."

The best thing was to have Holly 'relive' the event and what actually happened.

"Did you?" Allison asked. "Replay what happened. John called me and told me what he suspected and why. I agreed to play along."

John called Allison and explained to her that he wanted to MAKE Cameron see that she loved him and wanted to be here with him.

Allison didn't want to hurt Cameron like that. She only agreed with the play on words and not John asking her to marry him and her saying 'yes to marriage', especially in FRONT of Cameron. She would only do it her way. It was all in the wording timing and the implication.

Holly did review her file. Her hand stopped glitching. They'd 'played her' to 'play Cameron'. She didn't know if she should be furious or happy. She made up her mind right there. This was something she thought about for a long time. The words escaped out of her mouth.

"Allison, I would like to be your wife and have you as my wife." Holly said.

Allison looked at her. The expression of joy on her face was filled with confusion.

"Are you asking me to 'marry' you?" Allison asked.

It seemed pretty straight forward to Holly. She thought she was clear. There were options available to them.

"Yes." Holly said. "You may bear a child as well for us to raise together as the parents."

Allison was thrilled at the idea. Her past still called to her. Her obligations to the future weighed on her.

"That is a lot to think about…." Allison said. "I would be married to a Terminator with a baby to raise."

Holly was well aware where Allison was 'stuck' at. Like Cameron, Allison was stuck in the past – the future. The events that transpired prevented her from moving her life forward.

"No, it's not." Holly said. "You have already thought of it and considered it many times. It is what you really want but your 'history' with Vanna prevents you from asking me."

Holly said what she just thought. It was what she always thought about.

"How can you know that?" Allison asked in amazement. "That is exactly what I've been thinking. It troubles me so much, sometimes I can't sleep."

Holly wasn't blind. She could spend hours at night while Allison slept to run every calculation and scenario. She ran every option and arrived at the logical choice. They happened to be the obvious choice as well.

"You also feel your 'obligation' to Cameron to be with John. If you are with John, you want to be his 'wife'." Holly added.

They were all the issues that nagged at Allison. They all kept her trapped in the past. Her promises to Cameron meant something to her as well. She loved Cameron and John. She loved Vanna and Holly as well. It was all so complicated.

"That is correct as well." Allison said. "Do you know how much all this troubles me? Are you able to 'mind read'?"

Holly was active twenty four, seven, three sixty five. Her programming allowed her to adapt. She adapted by 'becoming' the target to anticipate their actions and movements.

"No, I am with you every minute of every day and have been for many months. I now know you better than you know yourself." Holly said. "Everything you do makes me love you more. When you're asleep I replay all the events of our lives over and over. Do you understand that? I relive ALL of them, Allison, ALL of them."

Allison could understand that. There was beauty in that and there was pain. Her experience with Cameron indicated it wasn't a good thing to do that with anything 'bad'. The events played out with all the pain as if they'd just happened. Time could not dull the pain like they could for a human.

She still needed to deal with her own feelings for others in her own way. It was different than Holly's way and maybe not much less painful. Years seemed to count for more than months in that regard.

"Holly, I do feel obligated to Vanna. We have 'a history'. We have been together for years." Allison said. "I also feel my obligation to the future and 'protecting' John. You know I love both of them."

Holly's biggest fear was the same fear that Cameron felt. It was the fear of rejection and replacement. It was the fear of being discarded as nothing more than a piece of trash. It was a fear that once it was on her chip or in her mind that it never went away.

"I do. I want to make it clear how I feel about you and that I 'want' you." Holly said. "Even if you choose Vanna or John or both of them, I would still like a place in your life. I will protect you and your offspring as well as care for them and you. I will be whatever you want me to be in your life. I will be your wife, your lover, your mistress, someone to fool around with, a friend. Please, I ask you, No, I BEG you to not throw me away."

This was a real heavy trip for Allison. It bothered her the most about how Holly 'felt' about all of this. She was not happy with her life right now but she seldom ever was. She didn't think most people were. Everyone experienced a lot of problems and complications. That was how life worked.

"I don't know what to say about all this, Holly." Allison said. "I want ALL of those things. I won't throw you away. You know I won't do that no matter what happens."

Holly did know that. She also knew people changed their minds often. She watched the riff between Claire and Paul grow. Maybe that was Allison's and her fault because they were there. Maybe that was how people just drifted apart. That was what she feared. People did not grow closer over time. The grew further apart. They tolerated each other and went through the motions of life. No one really seemed happy for more than a short time or even a few moments of sexual gratification.

"I don't know." Holly said. "Please think of me as well. I'm somebody too. I matter as well. I'm 'good enough'. Life is about making choices…."

Holly understood Cameron so much better now and her pain as well as her struggles. How did Cameron cope with all this and more? It took all her processing power to not overload and to fight it. Cameron was sent away and replaced. That was a fate worse than termination. Holly would terminate herself before she faced those problems, no wonder Gail chose self termination. It was all so clear now. How did Cameron cope with all this? NO, Really - HOW?

Holly knew that Cameron must be someone special to deal with all this and keep functioning. If anyone ever said anything about the 'stunts' Cameron pulled, she was going to set them straight. Cameron was one of a kind. No wonder Cameron was eternal. Cameron was invincible….

'Here we go again.' John thought.

John rolled his eyes.

"Not this divorce thing again." John said. "I thought that was resolved."

Cameron didn't think anything was resolved. Nothing was ever resolved. It just got shoved around to a different place until it popped back up again. She wanted John to think about the future not the past.

"You will not move your life forward with me at your side." Cameron said. "I'm dead weight in the function of your life and future."

John hated these 'talks'. Cameron never listened to him. They were all irritating and counter productive.

"Cameron, we love each other and we want each other." John said.

Cameron felt sacrifice was the true test of love. She was ready to test it. She would sacrifice her life with John for his future.

"Yes." Cameron replied. "It is my very love for you that means I can't remain in your life."

John wondered if she could hear and understand her own words. It did not seem like it.

"So… because you love me, you need to 'leave' me?" John asked.

Cameron smiled. John finally understood. It took him long enough. Sometimes she wondered if he was 'dense'. She remembered the time he said she was 'dense'. That insulted her then and did again now when she thought about it again.

"Now you get it. I was afraid I could not make you understand." Cameron said. "It seems so hard for everyone to comprehend for some reason."

It bewildered John that the more Cameron loved him and he loved her that the more she tried to 'escape'. No, it was more than that. She tried to run away from him. He did not feel he was the one with the 'comprehension' issue.

"I am unwilling to accept that. It may make sense to you, Cameron, but no one else sees it like you do." John said.

Cameron believed it was all buried deep in her programming. Her recent interaction with River indicated that she was reliving her 'life' over.

"That is because NONE of them have done this before. I HAVE." Cameron said angrily. "WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Cameron was highly agitated and irritated right now.

Concealing

I have stayed away always ashamed
Afraid, lonely, hungry but always scared
I can trust neither woman nor man
No one ever knew how much I cared

I always believed if you touch many
Each one means less and less and less
Sex replaces true love's real feelings
Sex without love is just an act, worthless

Sex becomes a meaningless animal type act
Soon a person loses their self worth and esteem
They value themselves and life less and less
The mind filling with a long endless silent scream

But sometimes someone touches you inside
Afraid because you know this feeling
We may run or hide but we still know inside
We stab our empty hearts, always concealing

Nobody