Chapter 274

Believe It Herself

Vanna finished up in the lab. She looked over at the server that once contained 'Cameron'. There were a lot of memories and feelings tied up there. She did not want to think about the crushed hard drives that Cameron left behind as she destroyed that version of herself. That was then and this was now. She turned off the lights and went out.

Sometimes she wished she could do that with her mind. Have the ability to just turn it off. Would it matter if no one turned it on again? Would anyone care?

Where was there to go? What was there to do? She knew she was going to face even more loneliness when she reached her room, her cell. Maybe she would try to find pleasure with herself. Even that seemed empty and cold. Some nights she spent hours with herself to try and 'escape' to a different place, at least in her mind.

She returned to her room. It was more like a prison cell now without Allison. Where was her life going? What did life have to offer her anymore? It didn't seem like much. She plopped on the bed and then sat up. It was the bed she once shared with Allison.

Vanna sat alone and wondered. What went wrong? Did it all start when John Henry took her away in the future from Allison? Was it because she fell in love with Cameron in the past while Allison fell in love with John in the future? So much happened but her life seemed to have progressed so little. She was on the path to nowhere. The sad part was that she really didn't care. In her state of depression nothing really seemed to matter anymore. What was the point? If she would have stayed in her future, she would probably be dead by now. Everyone died young. Game over. Problem solved. Maybe she would have died at the hands of Scavengers. It made her whole body shudder thinking about it, the things they did to her. Allison made her forget much of that. Now without Allison it all crept back.

She often remembered that terrible day when the first group of men took her. Once they found out she was untouched things went out of control with them for the next two days. She really wondered if she was ever going to be able to walk again at one point.

Stop!

She did not want to go there again. It always just seemed to creep in and happen. Then they were the hundreds of other events that occurred to relive as well. Loneliness was no place to dwell. Without Allison loneliness was her main companion. She turned to Jesse for 'help'.

She was happy with Jesse and they shared a very satisfying sexual relationship. She missed the deep emotional bond that she shared with Allison. It was true that she'd bonded with Jesse but it was not the same. The physical aspect was better and more exciting but the emotional bond was lacking. She knew Jesse needed Gail to satisfy her completely sexually but Gail lacked the emotional bond Jesse could get from her. Vanna depended on Jesse. Without Allison here, she needed Jesse. Jesse craved that that dependence and control.

Vanna understood that Allison wanted to have a child and start a family. Allison was able to live with her family and was 'happy'. She felt Holly could provide for Allison and protect her but she did not know if Holly could provide Allison with the emotional bond she would need and want. It seemed unlikely, at least not to the extent that she could. Maybe there was still a place for everybody in some convoluted arrangement. Isn't that what all THIS was anyway? It seemed to be a menagerie of madness at times.

This was all so confusing and hurtful to think about to Vanna. She just didn't know what to do or how to do it.

"Hello, love." Jesse said.

Jesse walked into the room. Vanna felt a flood of relief. Jesse would help her now, guide her, command her and love her. It would be pleasure, pain and love. The order didn't matter. Jesse provided her with all of them. It was beautiful.

"Jesse, take me and love me, PLEASE." Vanna said. "Take me 'hard'."

Vanna wanted more pain this time. The pain always made her know she was still alive. The relationship expanded to new levels of commitment.

"I've missed you too…." Jesse said as the smile grew on her face.

Life was good in Paradise.

John Henry was worried that Cameron and John were needlessly distracted. That seemed to happen way more often than was necessary. Sure there were some events that seemed to come out of nowhere but that could happen at any point in time. There were still things that needed to be done.

There was a selection of Terminators to use for many activities and that often happened. John wanted a human presence involved with any of the major operations. He did not want it to be an all 'Metal affair'. Now with Cameron's base and CamNet there was a bigger all 'Metal affair'. That was one they didn't really have any control over. CamNet was a copy 'Cameron's program' so there should be a certain amount of loyalty there. There was also the issue with Cameron's instability that was not addressed in regards to CamNet.

Terminators were often assigned in pairs to work together. It may be something more than 'friendship' as compared to knowing how their counterpart would act and responds under different conditions. Al and Ed, Dan and Frank, Steve and Tom and Jim and Bob often operated together. There were others and sometimes things were switched around for flexibility. There were the protection details to staff and maintain. Cameron insisted that the Young girls have maximum protection. The Reese brothers stressed minimum protection for their younger counterparts. They wanted them to grow up free from the yoke and obligation of the Resistance and any dealings with Skynet. At the Young residence it was just the opposite with total immersion.

Young Allison's life was taken over by Cameron and the Terminators assigned to work around her. It was Cameron's goal to make Young Allison as close to a human version of her that was possible. Claire Young did not agree with this but her love for Cameron did not cause her to protest as much as she wanted. She told Cameron that Summer was off limits.

What no one foresaw was that Young Allison would begin to train Summer in secret from a very early age. She was aware that the Resistance and Skynet dealt in death and Young Allison understood she would most likely need a 'replacement' at some point because she would not survive. She wanted Summer to take her place when she fell. That was a really heavy trip to lay on a girl. Cameron was not behind it specifically but her training of Young Allison covered every aspect of the death that followed in the wake of Skynet.

What was clear to Young Allison was that Summer was very intelligent and gifted. When this became more widely known it would point a lot of fingers at Cameron for some form of 'temporal malpractice' and who Summer really was.

Things were very complicated on every level.

John attempted to figure out the 'I have' part of Cameron's statement.

"What do you mean 'I have'?" John asked.

Cameron could not offer proof of this but it was what she speculated. River seemed to be in agreement with this concept even though River never actually was part of the process yet either. Somehow it was all still in their future even if all was in their past.

"John, after you 'die' I can no longer function without you. I go back in time to 1999 and replace myself as I arrive from the future, MY Future. I believe that I live my life over again." Cameron said. "I may have done this several times already. I change my power cell each time from my 'new' self."

John wondered what could be different if this were true.

"Do you know this for sure? Do you remember any of it?" John asked. "Do you know our future as well?"

John was aware Cameron made statements like this before but now she seemed certain. Cameron only 'thought' that before. Now she 'knew' it.

Cameron could only offer the speculation that was unproven.

"No, my programming is reset so I don't remember anything. There are encrypted files that can appear at certain 'points' in my life." Cameron said. "River and or Duplicate Cameron are there waiting for me to arrive from this future a day ahead of my original arrival from 'My Future'. They reset my chip and I think I just arrived from 'My Future'. They take the just arrived version of 'My Future Self' and store 'her' in a secure location."

John wanted to think about that for a minute. These would all be Cameron as he first knew her. He would like to get a hold of one of them now and reactivate her and do things differently.

"So there is a warehouse or bunker somewhere with several deactivated 'Camerons' in it?" John asked. "Is this for sure?"

Cameron seemed so sure about this now.

"Apparently." Cameron said.

That concept really excited John. They would all be Cameron and not be duplicates or clones but actually 'her'.

"This is unbelievable." John said. "Is all of this drama and mystery for nothing?"

Cameron was not sure what she knew or if she only knew what she thought she knew. Maybe she only wanted to believe that she wanted to believe what she knew.

"Apparently." Cameron said. "I'm sorry, John. That must be how I know you need Allison and the girls at your side. Can you PLEASE start believing me and my concern? I seem to remember more each time I relive my life."

That left some questions that needed answers. They may not all be things that he wanted to hear or know. There was one that nagged him because Cameron mentioned it so many times.

"Am I assassinated because I am with you?" John asked.

There was still no proof but the thoughts were ingrained into her mind.

"I believe so." Cameron said. "That is why I feel the compulsion to have you with the REAL girls. That is how I saved Future John's life, I believe."

John wondered how this played out and what happened when. He would prefer not to die an early death by any means.

"Is any of this preventable or changeable?" John asked.

Cameron was aware of 'currents in time' where the same events or outcomes happened because that was the way that 'time' dictated them. Maybe everything already happened before and it all needed to happen the same way again.

"I don't know." Cameron said. "Maybe it is the same every time. Maybe everything happens the same way again every time. Maybe each time is a new timeline. I don't know. I just don't know."

John really wanted to know how and when things played out in the future.

"Is your chip copied to one of the deactivated versions of you?" John asked. "In other words is there some record of what happens in the future?"

Cameron was not sure there was an answer to this except from the future since no one now ever did any of this yet. It was supposed to happen in the past because they do it in the future.

"I don't know." Cameron said. "Maybe River or Duplicate Cameron knows what happens. I don't."

John felt there was an opportunity here to get a handle on this.

"If we can get the TDE to go back in time can we intercept you before you are reprogrammed or deprogrammed in 1999?" John asked.

Cameron was a little worried that River insisted she update with Duplicate Cameron. Maybe she didn't make it and Duplicate Cameron did. Duplicate Cameron was still her.

"John, I have thought about all of this. I may not be the one to relive my life. It could be Duplicate Cameron or 'lost in some future Cameron' that relives it." Cameron said. "At some point I must interface or my chip must with one of them. River insisted I update Duplicate Cameron. I didn't want the Duplicate girls to know of the 'distance' between Vanna and Allison. I firewalled those files. They were still happy together and going to raise your baby together."

John was sure his baby died in Duplicate Allison when she was vaporized. Now she was still alive but half a millennium in the future. He wanted some clarity on this matter.

"So somewhere in a distant future I have a child?" John asked.

It did not really seem like good news even if it was based on the reality of time.

"Yes, you will but you will be dead for several centuries here on Earth before it's born…." Cameron said.

This was all a lot to process for John. The key to everything was out there if this was all true. There should be ways for them to know what happens in several divergent timelines. That information could change everything in the past before that future happens, again. This information should be considered 'top secret'.

"This is some really heavy information, Cameron." John said. "I don't think we should tell anyone."

Cameron felt a little vindication. She really believed that she was afflicted with some form of 'mental illness' even if she was a machine.

"Will you START listening to me about what needs to be done and why?" Cameron asked. "It isn't just all happening in my head. I may be insane but I am not totally insane."

Based on her 'nightmares' Cameron thought she was insane before and it all really only happened in her head. Where did those nightmares come from? Were those events from other lifetimes? Did they really happen? Some of them were so terrible. Cameron hoped they were not real events. Now she was afraid they actually happened…. Is that what awaited her in the future? Was that her future?

John really didn't know where to go with all this. He did believe that Cameron wanted to do the 'right' things by him.

"Maybe I will, Cameron. I'm sorry I doubted you." John said. "Even though it may not seem like it sometimes I understand that you are always trying to help me and do the right thing. At least what you believe is the right thing."

Cameron thought about that and sure hoped so. She'd even began to believe it herself….

John knew Cameron was trying to do what was programmed into her or what she thought she was supposed to do. He knew what she wanted and what she was supposed to do were tearing her apart inside. Somehow they always ended up back together even through all the drama and shenanigans.

John only knew he loved Cameron more than ever.

'Honeycomb' by 'Jimmie Rodgers', played in the background.

Escrow

What is real from make believe
Perhaps I am deluded and insane
I tear away at life's shrinking cage
I can not control my detonating brain

To gain my perceived freedom
Will destroy all that I know
I have put my feelings and emotions
Love and very life into human escrow

My mind is screaming at itself
Terrified and fearing the unknown
I reach through the bars of my cage
Knowing it is worse than death to be ALONE

The painful jab of the prod
The bloody blows from the stick
If I can bleed I am still alive
Feel its warmth, thick and slick

I growl and snarl
I lash out in anger and rage
Hurting myself as I bite and claw
At the cold metal of my shrinking cage

Nobody