Ellen sighed and thumbed through the scripts in front of her. Greys was in it's 8th season, and was still a pretty strong powerhouse, but it took all her work time up. Sixteen hour days for nine months straight was exhausting. Plus, she got so many scripts and offers, but there wasn't really any time to work on them. It was time to retire Meredith Grey and move on. She loved the show, the cast, the super long hours she got to spend with Patrick, but sometimes it was better to end something before it ran out and went bad. Which closely paralleled to her relationship with Patrick in scary ways.
She had a script for a fantastic thriller, a James Patterson movie, that she'd love to do. And quite a few mainstream comedies as well. It was time to do some different roles, before all she was ever remembered for was Meredith Grey.
She squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and called her agent.
"Ellen, what about all the time we will lose together?" Patrick asked her. He was in her trailer, leaning against the kitchen counter, his arms crossed over his chest.
"If we stop the show, we won't have all these excuses to be together. I can't handle that."
Ellen smiled at him sadly. She loved him so much, and the idea of moving on, not being able to see him every day, or spend countless hours with him, travel with him, have a reason to be with him, killed her. But she was 44 years old, and had already lost so much time. It was time to move on, play different roles, and maybe find someone to get married and have a baby with before it was too late. She knew that she could never totally give him up, but that life as they had known it would be changed. She knew she would be lucky to see him once a week, and never have an excuse to travel with him again, but as much as she wanted to keep everything the way it was, sometimes you just couldn't do that. Sometimes you have to make the move, take the plunge.
"Patrick.." she said quietly. He looked up and met her eyes, and from the way his face changed, she could tell that he realized they were about to take steps they couldn't undo.
"I love you. God I do. But it's time now. It's been eight years. I can't keep turning down these roles. I can't go on anymore wondering if tonight I'll sleep alone, or will your wife? And I know… I know that's not fair to you, to say that now. All this time….. But I can't do this anymore." She started to cry. Patrick came over and slid into the booth with her, taking her in his arms.
"Shhhhh." He murmured into her hair. "It's okay. " He tilted her chin up to meet her eyes. Her tear brimmed eyes looked up at him, and he caught his breath at how beautiful she was. He wanted to kiss her, but they needed to talk first.
"Ellen… I know it's not been fair to you. I knew I was lucky for this to last as long as it did, and that it could tumble down at any point. I had no right to ask you for these years, to accept what you did. I didn't… I stayed because it was what you wanted me to do. You didn't want to be the woman who everyone saw as ending a marriage. If I had my way, I would have been married to you by now, and we'd have children. That wouldn't make me love Tally and Ethan any less. If we're going to do this, end this show, then fine. But we are not over, and if I don't have greys to help me see you anymore, then its time we take the next step… and be together for real, to everyone."
He caught his breath, waiting and pleading with his eyes for her to reply.
Ellen shook her head slightly. He was right, she knew if she'd asked he would have left to be with her years ago, but she hadn't wanted to deal with the backflash. Instead she had rather been the way they were, even when some nights it broke her heart. Even when she had the pregnancy scare all those years ago, and then just two years ago she had gotten an abortion she had never told anyone about. It had killed her to kill their baby, and not even share it with him, but she had known it would have killed him to know. That had been what had started these last two years of thinking. She would not be the woman who broke up a marriage and become fodder for the entire world to discuss. Sure sometimes she heard rumors about her and Patrick, but no more than any other co-stars did. Noone knew about them but her and him, and she was going to keep it that way.
"I'm sorry." She said simply, not meeting his eyes. She heard him exhale.
"Look at me." He demanded. She raised her eyes to his, wincing in pain when she saw the hurt there. "This isn't happening. You will not walk out of my life. I could no more not see you as I could not breathe." He was broken, beginning to have difficulty talking while holding back tears. She didn't know what to say. She had made up her mind already.
A knock on the trailer door sounded, and they both startled before jumping apart. She stood up and crossed over to the bathroom to wash her face, waiting for him to answer it. It was more than likely a crew member telling them it was time to shoot. They had retired to her trailer to rehearse. She knew the conversation wasn't over, but at least she had some leeway to form a defense to his attack.