Ellen drove, not sure where she was going. She had tossed her cell phone on silence in the seat beside her, and she ignored the buzz that kept coming from it as it vibrated with voice mails. She clutched the wheel with both hands, carefully navigating the curvy roads along the coast. About halfway there she realized she was unconsciously heading to the private beach her and Patrick had often escaped to.
She didn't stop once in the two hour drive, and finally arrived realizing she was exhausted. She got out and sat on the beach in the warm sand for a while, watching the waves, and deliberately not thinking about anything. Seagulls and pelicans dotted the beach horizon, and she let herself be lulled by the waves crashing and the beach sounds.
Feeling rested after awhile, she finally headed back to her car and checked her voicemail. Patrick hadn't called. It was one of the things that made her love him, and miss him so much more. He knew she needed time, and he didn't force himself on her, or barrage her with calls. He understood her, like noone else ever had. He knew she was petrified, and torn. She really was. She realized that turning him away would be the biggest mistake of her life, and something she could never undo, but she also knew that there was a good chance she would do just that. That was Ellen, She was the girl who always gave up what she wanted, and maybe even felt better when she had a reason for things not to be perfect.
She wanted to stop it. Take the choice for happiness and leave this woman who hurt herself all the time. This woman who thought she wasn't good enough to be happy behind. So what if the gossip rags talked about her, and people thought she was a homewrecker. Look how many celebrities had done it. Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe, Brangelina… It would hardly be the end of the world. And it wasn't like it would be sprung on some poor helpless Jill who had no idea and would be devastated. Patrick had said she knew.
She wanted to pick up her phone and call him and tell him where she was, and have him come to her. She needed to lay down in his arms and be told it was going to be allright, because when he was holding her she really felt like it would be. That was something that scared her too, because she didn't think it was a good thing that he affected her well being so much. What if she relied on him and he left her? She didn't know if she could just let go like he was asking her and do this. If only she could , if it was that simple. But Ellen never had been simple. Patrick teased her all the time about how complicated she made things. He was the one who forced her to pamper herself, telling her she deserved it. She was used to hiding everything behind jokes and laughter, and he was the first person to see the real Ellen inside. The one who cried sometimes, and he loved and understood her enough to know how to handle it and be there, without discussing it. There would never be anyone in her life like him. Knowing that should make this so easy for her, but she still sat and struggled against calling him.