Okay, well this is it folks, third and final chapter. Just want to appologise for the time it has taken me to get this up, there is no excuse but starting a new college has been hectic! I really hope you have enjoyed the story as much as I have enjoyed writing it!
As always this story is for Ella, because she is lovely and is always encouraging me.
It is also dedicated to all those of you who reviewed, because you are the sole reason I had any incentive to carry on! So thanks to : Andie, CarbyLivesOn, Ruby, xEllax, -Leo-Piper-Forever, Andie2301, Moonlight Enchantments, Infinate Endings, fifi, girlintheyankeeshat, elohimdancer319, AmYkYo and Dosia.
Finally want to thank my best friend Lucy 'Ruby' Henderson, who has unwaivering faith in my abilities, that not even I can deduce where she gets it from!! She is my unofficial beta, and is wonderful in so many ways. Thank you darlin'!
DISCLAIMER: See previous chapters.
3) These Foolish Games Are Breaking My Heart
The silence is stretching on forever and I'm still standing here looking at my feet. I haven't heard the door slam so I don't think she left. I am raising my eyes slowly and now I'm looking right into her chocolate brown ones.
At least now she isn't standing as close to the door as she was. Her face is set stubbornly. I can tell she is clenching her teeth together, but she is still here. At least she is still here.
"Abby…I think we need…we should talk." I'm watching her thinking carefully before she responds.
"I don't want to talk…I'm too…angry to talk to you." I'm closing my eyes against her words, like if I can't see her saying them, then I can block them out.
"Please. Abby."
"No. Luka…I don't…I've had enough." I'm watching her move for the door, and I am finally ready to admit defeat. I have exhausted all my options.
Now she is halfway to closing the door behind her back as she leaves. Suddenly it is flung back open and now she is standing two feet away from me again; determination burning in her eyes.
"Do you know why I never told you about my drinking?", I don't know what to say. I am still trying to process that she didn't leave…again. "Do you?" Her tone is demanding that I answer, and soon.
She is standing in front of me with her hands on her hips and I just shrug my shoulders. So much for having a conversation.
"It's because I didn't want to when I was with you. Sure things got pretty crappy, but I didn't want it to be a part of what we had…it was a part of…everything…all of my life…for years Luka, and I didn't want it to be with you. I wanted for you to look at me and see the best of me. Remember the day…in the ambulance bay…when we…when I kissed you? You had told me that I would make a great doctor…I…that is what I wanted…With Richard he didn't believe in me for anything…didn't even think I could stop drinking. You started out different…and I didn't want to ruin that."
I don't think in all my years I have ever been as dumbfounded as I am right this moment. Did Abby just bear a piece of her soul to me? I'm taking a tentative step forward towards her.
"Abby, I would never be ashamed of you…or…or be disbelieving of you…"
She looks at a loss, tears brimming in her eyes. Suddenly it is so hard to keep my distance. My head and my heart are at war with each other. My head wants to get through this once and for all. My heart wants to take her in my arms, to kiss away the tears and take away all this hurt.
She is throwing her hands up in a gesture of resignation. "God. Luka. What we had should have been so good." Her voice is cracking now.
I am nodding my head in agreement, gaining some of my composure. "I know." I want to reach out further but I think that might be pushing my luck.
"I thought we weren't going to talk?" I'm smiling as I ask her.
"What?" I keep managing to confuse her and her brow is crinkled as she tries to catch up with my train of thought.
"I mean, you said you weren't going to talk to me. Seems to me though that we are doing. If we are, I thought maybe we might as well sit down. You know? Do this properly."
She is hesitating. I can see it in her eyes. For as much as I feel she never let me in I know exactly what she is thinking. That if we do this now it leaves her vulnerable. If she walks away now she knows she will leave relatively unscathed. Pissed yes, but in the great world of self protection she knows she will fare better angry than vulnerable.
"Going to make me more coffee then?" And I can see a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth, even as she reuses to let it form fully.
Wow. This woman is infinitely braver than anybody gives he credit for. I'm pointing her in the direction of the living room as I nod my head, and head into the kitchen. I'm making our second round of coffee and I hear the front door slowly clicking shut. It's the first time it has been closed in almost half an hour and for the first time I am not frightened that she left through it first.
I'm setting the cups down on the coffee table and I can see her shifting nervously.
"So?" I'm raising my brows, questioning her. Maybe she will feel more comfortable if I let her go first.
"So?" Maybe not. She is mimicking me.
I'm taking a deep breath. "Why do you think we should have been 'so good'?"
She is chuckling mirthlessly now. "You really want to do this? Analyse I mean."
I'm nodding my head. "Please."
"Okay…well…I guess because we started out so well…you know…fun. I felt like a teenager. A real one…you know? Giddy and stupid."
Wow. I made Abby feel like that?
"But what happened Luka? I thought I knew…and then it was all so much worse…so much bigger…too much."
"I know. I just…" I don't know what to say. I'm lost for words again. Partly because of the guilt, partly because she is being so honest, so totally and completely open.
"You pushed me away Luka…I didn't want to let you…I tried to not let you, but then you had…and it was too late." She is taking a deep, shaky breath. "Then when I needed you…you ignored me-"
I have to stop her now. "Abby I –"
"No! Luka, don't deny it. That makes it worse…it hurts more that you didn't know you were doing it."
"I'm sorry." It's all I can think of to say, and she is glancing down at her hands. A rueful smile on her face.
"I don't want you to apologise for that Luka. We both screwed up…I don't…I don't think we were ready for the…seriousness…of our relationship…I tried to talk to you, and for whatever reason you didn't listen. Carter…he was just there." Another deep breath on both our parts. "Maybe I should have tried harder, but you know, 'once bitten twice shy'."
I'm nodding my head in agreement, because as much as I might have hated that we didn't talk, I can understand why she should feel that way. "Okay…" I'm finding my own voice now. "Whilst we are on the whole, understanding each other footing…you told me I was married to a ghost-"
"Luka! I'm sorry I said that! I was just angry."
I'm shaking my head. "You know what I figured though? You were right. What I also figured was that I hadn't ever gone through loosing my entire family before…so maybe I didn't deal with it all that well…but I can't say I had all that much experience…who knows, maybe I will be better at it next time." I know that wasn't a nice thing to say.
"Luka! Don't say that!" She is shocked.
"Sorry." I'm looking at my hands now, taking a deep, deep breath before continuing. I need to do this now. "You still went to Carter." I'm watching her as her eyes widen at the realisation of what I just said.
"I just told you, he was there. He was just a friend. He wanted to rescue me…maybe subconsciously I wanted rescuing…I didn't ever want a relationship with him. Relationships based on that don't work."
"Okay, so let me see if I get this right…relationships based on rescuing don't work, but you wanted rescuing. So had I have rescued you our relationship wouldn't have worked…I'm not getting how that is beneficial to us." I'm shaking my head genuinely confused.
"No. I didn't mean that. What I meant was that maybe I wanted a little bit of help. There is a distinct difference between someone trying to help you and someone trying to rescue you."
"You wouldn't ever let me help!" I'm not intentionally getting mad; she just really frustrates me sometimes.
"Luka! You never really tried! You hit me head on with it, then gave up as soon as I resisted. You have to work at it harder than that. Yes I'm stubborn. I've had a past that made me that way. Yes I have defensive walls built up, but you have to work to knock them down! That's what a relationship is about. Working at the trust, working at getting the other person to trust you enough with themselves that they are willing to let their defences down and let you help."
I know she is right, but it still hurts that she trusted him. "You trusted Carter."
"My God! You know I told Carter once that you didn't get jealous."
"I didn't. I wasn't jealous of you and him, until you accepted his help, but refused mine out right." Now I am being overtly honest.
She is looking at me with hurt eyes again. "I told you I was sorry I didn't listen to you. I thanked you for being there even when I was stupid and chose him over you."
I'm nodding my head. "But Abby. Nothing changed. Do you know what I was doing before you came up here last night?"
She is shaking her head, "No."
"I was watching you outside, thinking that that is what it's like with you. I can only ever watch. God knows I love you Abby…" Did I just admit that out loud? "But I can't keep playing these games with you."
"I'm not playing games!" Now she is indignant, and she is getting up of the sofa and stepping back.
"Yes you are. You have been playing them since you got here. Maybe you just can't make up you mind. Is that it?"
She is looking at her hands, with her head bowed down. "No."
"No, what?"
Her eyes are slowly making contact with mine. "No I couldn't make up my mind…about you…about whether to trust you."
"Trust me? Abby what do you want?" I'm desperate to know.
"I don't know Luka! I don't know!" She is crying out desperately, like she has had enough. "I…I want you…I want…me…"
What does that mean? "What do you mean you want you?"
"I mean that…I want to be someone…I want to feel things other than being afraid all the time."
I'm smiling now, albeit apprehensively. "You see? Now we are getting somewhere, because I don't want to be afraid anymore either and I certainly don't want you to be afraid."
She is looking up at me, her eyes are glistening from the impact of the emotional revelations she has made. "I don't think I want this to be it for us."
ThankyouGod!
I'm nodding my head in agreement. "I don't want that either."
"But we will need to take it slow." She is looking down.
"Absolutely." I'm nodding again.
"Get to know one another, properly."
I'm feeling braver now, and I'm reaching to take her hand in mine, and she isn't pulling away. I'm stoking the back of her hand with my thumb. "Abby. I meant what I said. I do love you. I want you to trust me…so I guess we will just have to work at it…knocking down those walls."
She is looking at me, piercing me with her gaze. Trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth. She must believe I am because she is smiling and a stray tear is making its way down her cheek. I'm reaching out to wipe it away and she is letting me. "Okay."
We are still sitting next to one another moments later, her hand laced with mine and our coffee is untouched. I'm looking at her again. "What now?" I am whispering because I don't want to break the comfortable silence that has enveloped us.
"Now I have to go. We can talk more later?" She is standing gathering her stuff.
I'm watching her walk towards my door and put on her jacket, and I know what I have to do.
"Would you like to have dinner with me?"
She is really smiling now. A teasing smile. "You mean like a date?"
"Yeah. That's kind of what I was thinking." I'm beaming at her, letting her know that I understand the significance of our exchange.
She is nodding her head as she heads out of the door. "I'd like that. I'll talk to you later."
She is pulling the door closed behind her and I am sitting back on the sofa. I'm leaning my head back and I am grinning from ear to ear. For the first time in a long time I can believe that it might actually all be alright.
The End.