Author's Note: Sorry for the way my updates have been slowing down - I think that after nearly 100,000 words, I'm finally starting to get fic fatigue! Anyway, this chapter is Jane getting out of her Cade predicament, and then next chapter we're back to the Jeller, I promise. :)
You are a monster. This is who you are. Why would Weller want to be anywhere near you now? Did you really think this morning was something you could have for good?
Jane wiped blood off her hands with a rag on the table and tried to breathe.
She and Cade had a plan now. They'd switched back to speaking English and she'd played the role of torturer with grim determination, while he treated her exactly as he would have if she'd still been her pre-ZIP self. The only thing that stopped her from spiralling into a full-blown panic was the glimmer of hope in Cade's eyes. She couldn't fail him.
"You don't look so good, Remi." Cade's fake concern was slurred with pain, but still mocking. "I guess the daughter of Shepherd doesn't really live up to her reputation."
"You're lucky you're not going to live long enough to get post-traumatic stress, Cade." The edge to her voice wasn't faked.
"Oh, sure, lucky me. I get to die instead. Can't wait." He waited a beat, then added, "No, really. It's been over two months, right? Something like that? Not being in daily agony sounds great."
I should have got him out faster. I knew they had him and I did nothing. I didn't even think about him. I was too wrapped up in my own issues.
Was that how it was with the team, for me? And Kurt?
Forcing her thoughts back to being Remi, she turned and gave him a cold stare. "You deserve it. For what you did to Oscar, you should suffer. He was the best of us and you—"
"No, Markos was the best of us. He made me whole again. He made one stupid mistake that didn't even lead to anything, and Oscar killed him for it. Sure, Shepherd gave the order, but he didn't even question it. Markos was his friend, and he just…went off and shot him. I don't know if he was trying to score points with the future mother-in-law, or whether he was just too chicken to question his orders."
Oh, Oscar was scared of her, Jane thought. I saw it in his eyes when he was preparing that syringe full of ZIP. But seriously? I don't blame him. Shepherd is terrifying.
"And you're not scared of Shepherd?" Jane folded her arms.
Cade rolled his eyes. "Clearly not anymore. What else can she do to me, besides put me out of my misery?"
A knock came at the door. When Jane opened it, Roman stood there. "Anything?"
"He's asking for death. As much as I don't want to give him what he wants, I think we're through. Any more is just a waste of everyone's time."
"We're almost through, but not quite." Roman gestured to Cade. "Ready to take him outside when you are."
Jane nodded. "I have a couple of last things I want to say to him, in private. I'll bring him out in a minute."
"That's good, Remi. I have a couple of things to say to you, too. Let's start with 'fuck you' and work up from there," Cade muttered.
Roman hesitated, searching Jane's face. "Are you okay?" he asked under his breath. "You look a little out of it."
"Roman, I am so far past okay, it's not even funny. But Shepherd thinks it's good exposure therapy for my PTSD, so I'm just doing what I have to do. Just let me get through this."
At the mention of Shepherd, something akin to pity flashed across her brother's face. "I'll be out here."
Jane closed the door in his face and returned to Cade. "It's now or never. Are you ready for this?" she asked in Bulgarian, making sure she sounded full of wrathful hatred, even as she prepared to help him.
"Whatever happens, it means a lot that you tried. And thank you. For taking care of Oscar." Cade replied in the same language, putting a sneer into his tone and matching it with his expression.
Jane reeled back as though what he'd said was devastating, and finally gave herself permission to feel true horror at what she'd spent the past thirty minutes doing. It didn't take more than just recalling the basement where she'd been tortured to send her anxiety from high to almost uncontrollable.
She just hoped she could do what she needed to do before she lost it.
Making no attempt to hide her discomfort, she stumbled over to the window. The room they were in was only one floor above ground level, and there was a woodland area less than fifty yards from the building. And most importantly, Jane now had a reason to open the window— to gasp in a few lungsful of fresh air as 'Remi' tried to compose herself.
Cade said something contemptuous in English, but she didn't quite catch it. It wasn't important. They'd already made their plans.
She left the window slightly cracked open and began to undo Cade's restraints, beginning with his feet and moving on to his hands after that. The knots were well-tied, and her hands were shaking, making the job more difficult than it should have been. The flesh around his wrists was sore and abraded, adding to her distress.
Finally, the knots loosened enough that she was confident he could break free with only a short struggle. Then she called her memories of her torture back to the fore, rising to her feet and heading unsteadily for the door. Faking a full-blown panic attack would be difficult, but she got the feeling that with very little effort, she could bring on the real thing.
She'd done almost everything she could for Cade. Now she just had to be the distraction.
Jane allowed the dark thoughts at the back of her mind to the forefront of her consciousness, giving them free rein.
You're just a terrorist. A murderer, and now a torturer. You're tainted, broken, deluded. Did you really think you could have a normal life? A fresh start? The ZIP means nothing. One day you'll remember everything, and then you'll be Remi again. And until then? Every time you turn around, some new federal agency will come demanding more information, more sacrifices, more undercover work. Your life will never be your own. You'll never erase these stains on your soul, and the people who care about you will eventually see you as the burden you are.
She leaned heavily against the door, fumbling it open and almost falling against Roman. Instinctively, he caught her shoulders as she staggered forward, and she clutched at him with frantic hands, commanding all of his attention. Unable to speak past her fast, shallow breathing, she tried to bring back her control over herself, but she was too far gone to do anything but hyperventilate.
She saw Roman quickly glance at Cade, who still seemed to be securely tied up in his chair. After he ascertained that the prisoner was no threat, he focused all of his attention on Jane, encouraging her to remember to breathe, to concentrate on the present moment and the things she could see and hear and touch.
As she began to gather the threads of her composure again, she got the strong sense that this wasn't the first time he'd talked her down from this state, and that she'd done the same for him.
She sobbed against her brother's chest, everything forgotten but the comfort he was offering. The inexplicable sense of safety he gave her, even though she knew he'd kill complete strangers in cold blood.
Suddenly, Roman swore, tore himself free of her desperate embrace, and yelled, "Don't you dare, you bastard!"
It took Jane a few seconds to realise that Cade must have taken advantage of the distraction she'd forgotten she was giving him.
As she knelt on the floor, trying to pull deep, steady breaths into her overtaxed lungs instead of hyperventilating, all hell broke loose around her. Roman charged down the stairs, yelling the alarm that Cade had escaped. From the sounds of things, several people set off in pursuit, and she heard Shepherd's voice issuing strong, cold commands from the floor below.
When she heard a pair of military boots marching back up the stairs, Jane knew she was about to find out if her cover was still intact.
Shepherd stopped in front of her, making no attempt to touch her. "Get up, Remi."
Jane wiped her eyes and rose to her feet, though her legs were trembling. She got the feeling that making Shepherd ask twice was not acceptable.
A stinging slap shocked the breath out of her and snapped her head to the side.
"I hope you're proud of yourself. It took us months to capture Oscar's murderer. I wanted you to have closure for his death, but your weakness gave him the opening he was looking for, Remi. God knows if we'll be able to capture him again now."
Jane murmured an apology that tasted like acid in her mouth, unable to look Shepherd in the eye.
"Oh, I'm sure you are sorry. You won't be getting your revenge, Oscar won't be resting peacefully, and I have to deal with an organisation full of subordinates who now know I raised my only daughter to be weak and incompetent. You're an embarrassment, Remi, and I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."
She turned on her heel and began to walk away.
"I warned you, Shepherd," Jane said, rubbing the sting from her cheek. She wasn't even sure where the words came from—she definitely hadn't planned to say them.
Shepherd froze mid-stride, then turned with a softly dangerous, "Excuse me?"
Jane raised her voice a little. "I said, I warned you. I told you right before I walked in that room that I didn't feel like I could handle it, and you told me I could. This is as much your screw-up as it is mine."
For a second, she was sure Shepherd was going to drag her down the hallway by the hair, lock her in the room where Cade had been held and make some kind of example of her. But instead, Shepherd grabbed her by the collar, her enraged face close to Jane's.
"I'm going to cut you some slack because you don't remember my ground rules," she hissed, icy splinters in every word. "But for future reference, you will never, ever criticise me within earshot of our people again. Is that clear?"
For one moment of pure stubbornness, Jane set her jaw and said nothing. Only when she remembered she was supposed to keep herself on Shepherd's good side did she relent with a muttered, "Yes, ma'am."
Shepherd released her just as violently as she'd grabbed hold of her, practically shoving her backwards. "Roman?" she called sharply, her eyes still on Jane's face. "Take your sister back to her safehouse. Parker will head up the search for Cade until you get back."
Without another word, she stalked away.