xiii.

chapter thirteen - good, bad, and undecided

The house was empty when I returned. I didn't know if that meant Chiyo and Sasori were out of the village, or if they simply weren't home at the moment. A part of me was a little put out that there was no one here to welcome me back, but I understood my family was busy.

Komushi, however, could have at least stopped by to check on me. I hadn't seen him in so long; he didn't even get to see me off when I left originally. Surely his team would understand if he took an hour or two off to visit his friend.

With a huff, I dragged myself and my bags to my room. Upon opening my door, I saw a few things were out of place… My bed was unmade and had clearly been slept in, my desk space looked to have been taken over, and the floor was littered with dirty clothes and various ninja supplies. I frowned.

I knew Chiyo mentioned something about Sasori staying in my room for a bit, but I couldn't remember why. Regardless, it was unlike him to leave such a mess behind. Was he alright? Was the stress of war getting to him? Something I'd have to look into.

After such a long journey, I wasn't really in the mood to clean. So, I decided to just toss my bags down and plop onto my bed for the moment. I calmly breathed in what could only be Sasori's scent; the smell of copper, wood, and oil— but with a sweet undertone of cacti blossoms that always seemed out of place when matched up with my brother.

I think I managed to doze off for an hour or so, because in one second I blinked, and then the next I was jolting myself awake.

The house was still empty, and it looked like no one had come to check on me, yet. Rolling my eyes, I cleaned myself up a little before setting off into the village. If no one was going to come to me, I just had to go to them myself.

'Honestly, you're gone for several months… You'd think they could at least poke their head in.'

Murai was a bit more understandable, since he was probably busy catching up with Jin among other clan things. I wasn't sure how clan politics worked, but it probably had something to do with that… Komushi, however? Sure, it was possible he was busy with his team or doing missions, but he could at least stop by for just a few seconds. He was always one to drop in without any notice and to leave just as suddenly.

So, what was going on?

Hitting the streets, I was met with the hot and sticky climate that came with Suna. It was not one I really missed, but it did make me feel some type of way— it reminded me that I was home.

As the sun beat down on me, I kept walking without a destination in mind. I'd run into Komushi sooner or later… He always seemed to be everywhere at once.

Walking and walking.

Brows furrowed and scrunched in confusion.

For some reason, something felt wrong. My stomach felt weird; like there was a heavy weight inside it. I unconsciously scratched at my skin as I looked around the area for any possible causes. I didn't see anyone but the usual civilians and ninja passing by.

The world seemed to spin around me.

Why did I feel so sad?

I began to tremble and my knees grew weak. Crouching down in the middle of the dusty street, I curled in on myself and tried to control my breathing. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I was starting to freak out. Was this poison? Had I been attacked? Where's Sasori? Where's Chiyo? Where's Ko—

"Hey, are you alright?"

My heart leaps. Finally— "Komushi—!" I beam up at the boy, relieved he found me at just the right time, but stop myself short. The smile fell from my face and my expression blanked. The boy in front of me wasn't Komushi; he was just a random genin. He looked concerned, but he wasn't Komushi.

I remembered.

This boy wasn't Komushi. Komushi was dead.

My blank expression began to crack when my lips start to tremble. The boy grew alarmed and flustered, so I buried my head in my arms to hide myself from him and the people around me.

Komushi was dead. He was dead, and I couldn't do anything to help him. Not even Chiyo could save him. That bandaid my friends in Konoha had helped place on this wound had fallen away, and it was left to fester once again. Everything felt so raw and real now. It was as if I was first learning he had died all over again.

The boy continued to fret over me, looking torn between wanting to help, but also wanting to flee and let someone else deal with the crying nine-year-old.

Taking in a shaky breath, I pulled myself up abruptly. The boy yelped, taking a startled step back. He made sure to steady me— a question on his tongue, but I was already walking away.

There was nothing waiting for me here. It was time to go home and distract myself.

I ended up writing letters to my newfound friends in Konoha. My letters to Team Seven were longer than the ones I made for Shizune and Co, but that didn't mean I cared any less about them. Simply put, I just wasn't as close to them as I found myself being with Team Seven (Kakashi and Obito, in particular).

I wrote until my hands cramped, and, apparently… until I fell asleep.

Blinking myself awake the next morning, my face was uncomfortably smashed against my desk. The letter I had been working on was crumpled slightly from the pressure, and the ink had transferred to my cheek. Groggily, I frowned at the inconvenience; I was in no mood to clean any messes right now.

With a grunt, I forced myself away from my desk and stretched my back to relieve some of the pain I was feeling. In my half-asleep state, I almost didn't notice the chakra presence that was now in my home.

It was as I collapsed into my cold bed and tried to drift back to sleep that I realized…

My eyes shot open, and I leapt from my bed before scrambling to the hallway. I stopped outside Sasori's room, ready to slam open the door and impose on my brother like usual, but— I stopped myself. All the excitement I had for seeing Sasori again trickled down an unseen drain. I remembered that he hadn't actually spoken to me in so long… How would he react to seeing me in person again?

'He didn't even acknowledge that I was home…' In the past when I fell asleep at my desk, I'd wake up in my bed. Sasori would always check in on me when he got home or before he went to bed, but now…

I bit my lip, holding my hand up to knock on his door, but stopped myself. It was weird… Feeling anxious about approaching my own brother.

Finally, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding, I raised my voice so Sasori could hear. Though, he probably knew my movements the moment I had woken up; if he had even bothered to pay attention to me that is.

"Saso— Sasori?" It felt weird just saying his name, but right now I didn't feel like I was allowed to call him by anything else. I'd never felt so distant to him before; I hated it. "I'm, uh— I'm home."

I held my breath again, waiting for Sasori to say something. Anything. To at least acknowledge me.

Nothing.

My eyes burned, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "I missed you while I was gone!" I said a bit louder than before, trying to calm my nerves. "I wrote to you, but you never wrote back…"

My toes curled and my hands closed into fists.

'Say something, please.'

Sasori remained silent on the other side of the door. I rested my head against it, closing my eyes as I tried to focus on anything but the immense rejection I was feeling.

"If you still want to use my room, you can… Chiyo-baa-chan said you've been avoiding your own room, so I know it was probably a last resort that you're in there, now. I— I, uh, probably won't be home much, anyway, after I get my team placement, so… yeah."

I decided to wait one last time, but once again was left disappointed.

"I missed you, Saso-nii... Talk to you later…"

Pulling myself away from the door, I headed straight back into my room. Plans to go back to sleep long forgotten, I began to get ready for the day. As I did so, I noticed that all the things Sasori had left in here were now gone.

I bit my lip harshly, and looked away.

'He was in here, and he didn't even—' I stopped the thought before it could even finish.

Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.

That was all I needed.

I wasn't sure where I was going when I left the house, but my destination was quickly decided when a hawk swooped by and dropped a scroll into my hands. After processing what just happened, I slowly opened the scroll to reveal a summon for me to visit the Kage Tower about my graduation.

'Right. I'm a genin now.'

Tucking the scroll away, I changed directions and made my way to the Kage Tower.

When I got there, it was to find other Academy students already in line and waiting to have a meeting with the Kazekage and his council. Sighing, Ifound where the line ended and joined the other students (all looking much more excited and eager than I did).

I prepared myself to zone out so I wouldn't suffer from intense boredom when a familiar face exited the Kazekage's office.

"Murai?" I asked, quietly and more to myself than to anyone else— but yet the pink-haired boy still seemed to hear me. His head snapped in my direction so fast I was surprised his neck didn't break.

"Kyo-chan!"

Arms, stronger than I remembered, wrapped around me and they squeezed. Murai picked me up and spun around as he laughed. I wanted to thrash and scold the boy (I'm sure everyone was glaring at the loud outburst), but all I could do was laugh with him.

Finally. A homecoming.

"Welcome back!" Murai grinned as he loosened his hold on me.

I opened my mouth to reply, but my grief and loneliness suddenly hit me in a wave. Biting my lip to keep back tears, I returned Murai's hug in full force and hid my face in his shoulder.

"I'm home."

xxx

I decided I cared more about catching up with Murai than I did with receiving my headband. So, I stepped out of line and allowed Murai to guide me to the closest park near the Tower.

We talked about many things, and I could tell Murai was carefully weaving around Komushi and my current relationship with my family. He didn't bring them up at all, and I was thankful, since it wasn't something I felt like talking about right then.

"So, why were you meeting with the Kazekage?" I asked, remembering how exactly we had run into each other in the first place.

Murai's cheeriness deflated a little, making me frown. "Ah, that. Well, I take it you were there because you managed to graduate early?" I nodded, and he smiled sadly. "So did I."

"What? That's great, Murai! Maybe we'll be put on a team together."

He sighed "No. I was there because I had to reject the opportunity. Jin-hime didn't score high enough to graduate, and since I'm training to be her loyal dog, I—" Murai shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know it's not her fault, I just… Wish I could be my own person. Sometimes I don't even feel like Murai. I feel like I'm just a tool; an object."

I frowned, reaching out a hand. "Murai—"

"Enough of that gloomy stuff~!" Murai's somber mood was quickly shoved away, and the boy grabbed my outstretched hand with his own. He squeezed it, giving me a reassuring grin. "Thanks for letting me vent. You're the only one I can talk to, you know? I'd never tell Jin-hime this stuff, it would just make her sad!"

Slowly, I returned Murai's smile. "You know I'm always here for you."

Murai's eyes widened, taken aback, but he was quick to regain his composure. "Aw, stop it Kyo-chan. You'll make me blush~" I rolled my eyes, to which he laughed. "I'd love to stay with you and talk some more, but I really have to go and report back to Nijima-sama. Let's talk more later; now that you're a genin, you better not forget about us lowly students!"

We said our goodbyes and I was left to scurry back to the Kage Tower. Murai and I hadn't been talking for too long, so the line was still a bit long, but not nearly as bad as it was earlier. I took my place near the back and prepared to wait for half an hour.

xxx

Recieving my headband was nothing extraordinary. Even getting to the Third Kazekage himself didn't feel all that inspiring. Unsurprising, considering it felt like I was speaking to a robot… I didn't even stand in the man's presence for very long before a chūnin had pulled me away to do paperwork and take a picture for my file.

"Your sensei's name is Shaiā. She left instructions for you to meet her at her family's weapon shop later this evening."

I was given a set of directions, and then sent on my way.

'They don't think anything of us, do they? Just another soldier primed and ready to be disposed of.'

With a sigh, I made my way back home to wait for my meeting time.

Chiyo still hadn't been home, and I was starting to believe just wasn't back in the village. Sasori, on the other hand, had moved from his room to the kitchen— or at least, that's what I assumed after seeing the washed dishes on the drying rack. The boy himself was nowhere to be seen, or sensed, that is. Sasori had left, and, once again, I was all alone.

This tiny hut had never felt so large before.

Sighing, I shunned the negative thoughts from my head and trekked to my room. As I reached my door, I glanced at Sasori's room and founnd the entrance ajar. Which was unusual, since Sasori valued his privacy and almost always kept his door shut even when he wasn't home.

More concerned than curious, I cautiously made my way to my brother's room. I couldn't sense anyone inside, but I couldn't help but be wary, regardless.

Slowly, I pushed his door fully open and took a step inside.

Sasori's room looked like a tornado had been through it. I had never seen it so messy and disorganized; I didn't even think it was possible for it to ever look like this. Rather than things just being out of place, there were also spills throughout the room, followed by broken glass.

I grimaced, this was definitely a hazard.

Reaching out with my chakra sense, I could detect that Sasori was still within the village, but just... far away. I didn't recognize anything in the direction I could sense him at, so I wasn't sure what he was doing. All that mattered right now was that he was far enough away that I could clean his room without worrying he'd barge back inside anytime soon.

Checking the wooden clock on Sasori's wall, I confirmed I had enough time before my meeting to actually be thorough about this. A part of me was worried that my brother would be upset I was in his room, but what was the point in stressing about that when he wouldn't even speak to me.

Rolling up my sleeves, I set to work.

xxx

First, I took care of the garbage and spills that were left to fester. After that, it was just a matter of reorganizing everything to Sasori's liking. I could kind of remember the system he had in place before I left, but who's to say it hadn't changed since then.

Things like containers, ingredients, and weapons were easy to put away. It was the documents and research papers I had more trouble with.

Sasori had been busy while I was away. When he wasn't on missions that aided the war effort, he was experimenting and perfecting his puppets. Multiple recipes and blueprints were scattered amongst the room, but only one of them really stood out to me.

The paper had certainly seen better days; it looked like it had been crumpled more than once before being unfolded again and again. Kneeling down, I flattened the paper as much as I could to get a better look.

My eyes widened. "This is…"

It was a blueprint of a puppet, with Komushi as the model.

The diagram went into detail about preserving human remains and making them functional… Essentially, it was a mess of Sasori's brainstorming to take Komushi's body and turn him into a puppet.

Chills went down my spine and my throat felt dry. It was then that I finally noticed the foreboding presence behind me. Not even bothering to look back, I hold tightly onto the paper in my hands.

"Sasori, we need to talk."

"You need to leave."

I picked myself up and turned to face my brother, who stood in the doorway with a guarded look on his face. He refused to meet my eyes; simply staring at the paper in my hands.

"Aniki, no. We— this isn't right. Komushi wouldn't want this! You can't blame yourself; this isn't your fault!"

"Kyojin. Leave."

Sasori's words were so harsh and cold, I was taken aback. He'd never spoken to me like that before; like I was some kind of nuisance to him.

I stared at him for several more seconds, wanting to say something, but finding that the words kept getting stuck in my throat. My eyes burned.

"Aniki… You're being a fucking brat."

I rushed past him, avoiding his gaze as best as I could.

"Kyojin, wait." Sasori stopped me, and for a moment I was relieved— my brother is finished acting recklessly and being stupid. He'd come to his— "Give me the paper."

"What?"

Sasori clenched his jaw, still refusing to look at me. "The blueprint. Give it back."

I stared, looking at him and then to the paper, and then back again.

Then I started to laugh, because seriously?

"Fine," I scoffed with a sick grin. "Take your disgusting fucking drawing." I shoved the blueprint into his chest with enough force that the thirteen-year-old stumbled slightly.

Without wasting another minute, I got out of there.

For the first time in this life, I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from my brother as possible.

author's note: this shit is so dramatic lmaoo

but thanks for sticking with me for another update. first, i want to thank my awesome readers who are OG and have been here since the start! you know who you are— i appreciate you, and you're the reason i got this far with this fic in the first place! that, and because i actually do want to finish this someday lol shoutout to my OG readers, my casual readers, and my baby readers (welcome!) you are the best!

this chapter was edited by fortheloveofb ! number one fan title goes to them, sorry guys :3c

story rec: "scarlet waters" by RubyNightsGavlyn