Author's Note: This one is kind of a filler chapter, just establishing that the team all know about Sandstorm's links to Winter, that Kurt's moved Jane in with him, and that they're both struggling. Next chapter, Jane is going to find a way to cope, but it's never good to overdo things...
"Jane, how are you?"
The whole team looked up as Jane walked into Zero Division, and she cringed a little. This was her first time facing them all since she'd gone off the rails in Sofia, and though she knew they meant well, the concerned gazes just made her feel self-conscious.
"Sorry I'm late," she told Nas, instead of answering her question.
"That good, hmm?" Nas indicated the table where the rest of the team were gathered. "Have a seat. Let's talk."
Kurt took her hand and squeezed it for a moment as she passed him. Jane flashed him a quick smile, then took her seat.
"You okay, Jane? I'm sorry I didn't manage to keep you from…" Reade trailed off, shrugging.
"It wasn't your fault, Reade. It was his." She couldn't quite seem to make herself say Keaton's name.
"Even so, I—"
"Let's get down to business, all right?" Nas interrupted with an apologetic smile. "Jane, I hear you had contact with Roman last night. Is your cover still intact?"
Jane frowned. "Yeah, I think so. Why?"
"Because we need to seriously think about whether you can still handle this," Nas said quietly.
"What? I— Yes!" Unprepared for Nas to be the one expressing doubt, Jane stared at her. "You were the one who put me on this mission. I've been doing good work. I may not have much we can use yet, but I can get more. Don't pull me off this now!" Don't let the CIA take me back there. I need this immunity deal. I need it.
"It's okay, Jane." Kurt was two seats away, so he couldn't touch her, but his gaze was reassuring. "We haven't made any decisions without your input."
She gave him a tiny nod and looked down at her hands, linking her fingers together to stop them from shaking.
"I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, Jane, but it's very obvious you're not at your best at the moment. Sending you back to that compound to die achieves nothing," Nas continued.
"Roman has seen me symptomatic with PTSD before," Jane said. "So has Shepherd. They've both seen me panic already since I started this mission. Roman already knew about what happened in Bulgaria, so he and Shepherd will expect me to be acting exactly like I'm acting. I can make this work in my favour. I've already sown the seeds to get Sandstorm to back off finding…Keaton"—the name left a bad taste in her mouth—"and gotten Roman to admit that Keaton is one of Shepherd's key pawns for after phase two. He wouldn't confirm that Kurt is, too, but I'm pretty sure of it."
Nas and Kurt exchanged a glance, and Jane gritted her teeth, hating the idea of her future being decided by other people.
"Okay. In that case, we'll proceed with caution. Try to get Sandstorm to a place where we can be sure Keaton will be safe to return to the US. I assume Shepherd will need him here if he's part of her plans."
"Right." Even thinking about Keaton was hard, but Jane nodded, determined to keep on track. "Did Kurt tell you about my theory that the mercenaries were Sandstorm?"
"Yes. We'll take a run at Winter this morning—"
"Before you do that," Patterson interrupted, fiddling with her tablet, "I managed to unscramble the voices on Winter's data chip, from when the masked assailants framed him. I left it until now because it doesn't really tell us much. There was one man and one woman, both with American accents, but apart from that…"
"Let's have a look," Kurt said.
Patterson pointed to the largest screen mounted on the wall. "There."
The team congregated around the screen as the footage played, this time without the voice modifications. Jane froze. "That's Roman."
"You're sure?" Patterson asked.
"Enough! We're done," a female voice snapped in the recording.
"And Shepherd." Jane stared up at the screen, trying to find familiar features in the two masked figures.
"That explains the mercenaries," Zapata said.
"Sandstorm killed Caruso? For what?" Reade's hands balled into fists at his side. Jane dimly realised he had to be feeling Caruso's death more than any of them. He'd been one of Caruso's Quantico buddies.
"To stop Jane from potentially finding out that Roman and Shepherd were involved with leaking information about government surveillance. That leak shut down Daylight and Orion." Kurt came to stand by Jane, his arm brushing hers in silent support.
"And Remi was part of Orion. Shepherd was responsible for bringing her back from Afghanistan. The sole survivor, angry and presumed dead, looking for revenge against the people who killed her unit. Perfect for Shepherd's plans." Jane shook her head, disbelief overcoming her. "I knew she was manipulative, but this? This is…"
"You okay?" Patterson asked gently.
Jane shook her head and sighed. "So that's how Roman knew all about what happened in Sofia. There must have been at least one survivor who reported back to Shepherd."
"But you're not supposed to know any of this. Bear that in mind when you next see Roman." Nas gave her an assessing look.
Jane nodded. "Okay. I, um… I have a session with Borden in about ten minutes, so I should probably…"
"Yeah." Kurt took her hand. "Just be careful what you say to him. I know it's tough keeping classified information from your therapist, but—"
"—this is just one more thing I can't tell him. Yeah. I know." At this rate, there'd be more things she couldn't tell Borden than things she could. Maybe that should concern her, but she just felt numb.
After the team were done for the day, Jane hesitated outside Kurt's office, looking through the glass. He was scowling down at a stack of printed documents, reading through something that was probably something to do with protocol for the Bulgarian mess. The mess she'd helped to exacerbate.
She was just about to back away from the door and head for the FBI's gym facilities when he looked up and noticed her. His expression immediately softened and became more welcoming, and he beckoned her in.
"How's the paperwork?" she asked, as she closed the door behind her.
"Hell. But I'll get through it, eventually." He put it in his desk drawer, locked it, and stood up. "You ready to go home?"
Despite how on edge she'd been all day, she couldn't help but smile. "Home. That sounds nice."
He pulled her into a hug. "How you holding up? Your session with Borden go okay?"
Jane cast her mind back, her stomach churning a little at the reminder of the stressful session. "I guess so." She pulled back and shrugged. "It's hard to judge with these things. He asked a lot of questions about my feelings. I gave him a lot of redacted answers. I just…hope it's still helping."
"I'm sorry you can't be more honest with him, Jane. I know it would help to be able to speak your mind about a lot of this stuff. If you want to talk to me, about the things you can't tell Borden…"
Jane nodded. "Thanks. I think I'd rather just not think about it for now, though."
She could tell that didn't sit well with Kurt, but she couldn't keep talking and thinking about this stuff every day, and suffer through the nightmares that were sure to plague her sleep. She just wanted to rest and do normal things. Her remembered life—and what she remembered from her life as Remi—had been so different to the lives everyone else seemed to have. Even for the other members of CIRG, this seemed to just be their jobs, and when they clocked out for the night, things reverted to normalcy. She couldn't even imagine what that was like. From the moment she'd woken up to find herself in a bag, her free time had been spent obsessing over the mysteries her tattoos held, as she kept her body in shape to face whatever came next.
"Come on. Let's go home. I'll cook you dinner, you can take a bubble bath, and then we can decide what to do for the rest of the evening. Sound good?"
It sounded so much better than good that tears came to her eyes. "Yeah. Sounds great."
He didn't push her for an explanation of her sudden emotional moment, instead gathering his things and logging out of his computer for the night. By the time he was ready to go, Jane had herself under control.
Kurt hated feeling helpless, but he had to face up to the facts: when it came to Jane's psychological distress, he was essentially useless when it came to preventative measures. Unless she wanted to talk about it—and she'd already told him repeatedly that she didn't—he could only try to make her life easier while she suffered through it.
First he ran a bubble bath for Jane. Sarah had left some of her toiletries when she'd moved out, and he'd stashed them away in his bathroom cabinet for when she decided to visit, or in case he had other guests over. It would be a little weird to have his girlfriend smell like his sister, but since he preferred to take showers, Sarah's bath foam was all he had.
He was pretty sure Jane preferred showers too, but Nas had told him earlier that she'd noticed Jane had been startled by the smallest of unexpected noises all day. She needed to relax, and if he had to run the bath for her, so she didn't feel like she could refuse it, then he would.
"Jane? Your bath's ready."
She was sitting on the edge of the sofa, staring out into the night, and as Nas had warned him, she flinched a little at the sound of his voice. He waited for her to register his words before approaching as she rose from the couch.
"Thank you," she murmured, slipping her arms loosely around his neck and giving him a tiny smile. "I'm having trouble managing the small, obvious things right now."
He gave her a light kiss, then turned her towards the bathroom. "Go on. I'll call you when dinner's ready."
Cooking was something Kurt had always enjoyed. Emma Shaw, Taylor's mother, had taught him the basics as a teenager, as a way to distract him after his own mother had run off. She'd lost a child, and he'd lost a parent—both his parents, since he'd shut his father out of his life as much as possible after Taylor's disappearance—and as she'd taught him a valuable life skill, they'd each gained something they'd thought would be lost to them from then on.
Kurt wondered what Emma would have made of Jane—not when she'd been posing as Taylor, but as herself, Jane Doe. He imagined that if Emma had met Jane without knowing the complications of Remi's plans and family ties to terrorism, they'd probably get on well. Emma was easy-going, non-judgmental and empathic, and always saw the best in people, with the exception of Kurt's father. She'd probably have treated Jane like a part of the family, just as she had Kurt.
As he prepared beef stroganoff, Kurt turned his mind from the past to the future again. Had Jane's nightmares last night been as bad as the night before, when they'd been in Sofia? Would she rest any easier tonight? He hoped so, but he wasn't holding his breath. She'd probably wake them both at least twice before the sun rose.
Any amount of interrupted sleep was worth having Jane here, though. He'd never say her PTSD was a blessing, but it had drawn them together quicker than they might have moved otherwise—if they'd ever gotten together at all. If not for having to watch her suffer through her nightmares and tend to her wounds after the black site, he might have harboured a grudge against her for her actions with Oscar for a lot longer.
Hearing a scuffle behind him, he found Jane pulling one of the chairs out from beneath the breakfast bar, cocooned in the fluffy grey bathrobe she'd brought from her safehouse. Her hair was damp and what little makeup she usually wore was gone from her face. She looked exhausted, but more relaxed than before.
"Hey. Dinner's almost ready."
"Smells amazing." She fidgeted, then said, "Can I help with anything? I feel kind of awkward just sitting here watching you do things for me."
He had to turn his back to her to keep an eye on everything at this late stage of cooking. "Nothing left to do. Trust me, I don't mind."
"Okay, but next time you're sick or injured, I'm gonna do everything for you. Except cook. You'll thank me for not doing that. But I'll definitely order you in some good food."
He grinned and grabbed a couple of plates. "I'll hold you to that."
Jane ate a little less than he'd hoped, but more than he'd expected, given that she'd barely touched food on the way home from Europe. She started to stifle yawns halfway through the meal, and though it was still early when they finished cleaning up, Kurt suggested they get an early night anyway. Every second of restful sleep she got would benefit her, even though the nightmares were bound to come back.
"No," Jane said, her expression haunted. "I'm sorry, I just…really don't want to sleep yet."
They ended up watching TV, Jane's head in Kurt's lap while he ran his fingers through her freshly dried hair. As he'd expected, she was asleep within ten minutes, and he turned down the volume so the ad breaks wouldn't startle her awake again.
He dozed a little himself, then woke to find Jane hadn't moved, her features still peaceful and her breathing even. There was no way he'd risk waking her until he had to, so he stayed put, leaning forward just enough to position a cushion behind him, so he could get a little more sleep himself.
The next time he woke, Jane was nowhere to be seen, and he distantly heard the bathroom faucet running. It was after one in the morning—they'd managed about three hours of sleep—and he shut off the TV and lights before tapping on the partially open bathroom door.
"Jane?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." She dried her face on a towel before turning to face him, the tension her bath had eased now back in her shoulders.
"Bad dream?" He reached out to brush her hair back from her face.
"I woke myself up before it got worse. I'll be okay." She gave him a forced, weary smile, barely meeting his eyes.
"Sure you don't want to tell me about it?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"I just want to write it down for Borden and then forget about it." She moved past him to the door, and he let her go, knowing she could be touchy about too much physical contact after some of her nightmares. "You go on to bed. I'll be there in a minute."
Trying not to feel hurt or rejected by her refusal to let him in, Kurt brushed his teeth and got into bed. He wanted to stay awake until she joined him in the bedroom, but he fell asleep despite himself, and when Jane woke him with her terrified cries, he realised she'd fallen asleep on the couch.
As he began the process of gently waking her from her nightmare, he fought the increasing sense of helplessness watching her in distress always left him with. He might not be able to take away her pain, but at least he could wake her before the nightmares drained all her energy. At least that was something.