disclm: Not mine. D:

a/n: Four chapters of nothing but Riku!angst. I AM TEH BROKEN. Next chapter, y'all, next chapter. There will be boytouching if I have to...if I have to forsake my English reports. D: The quoted Ansem REport is number 13, found in Final Mix. 8D

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theme iv. wisdom

"An existence neither of darkness nor of light.
An in-between existence.
Cast off by the heart, a mere shell, one who begrudges both the darkness and the light.

This mystery cannot be easily resolved.
The relationship between the heart and the flesh is a complex one.

But since we exist here, they cannot be termed as existent.
Therefore I shall call them...

"The non-existent ones."

He's said those words to himself a thousand times since asking DiZ what had happened to Sora. He'd gotten more of an explanation than he'd liked, with ominous tones and the lurking feeling that DiZ knew something Riku didn't. Now Roxas' face , though he knows not that name, echoes in his mind and a little voice jeers at him, his bad luck, and his heart all shredded, oh isn't it pretty? He tries to sew it back together with hate, hate himself, fool that he is, hate Sora for all those years of unconscious rejection, Roxas for not being Sora and for being him, and hate, hate, hate, Ansem the Wise for everything, everything.

The oppressive silence in the computer room tells him that Mickey has not come and Sora has not woken, that all is going poorly and he's to blame; he can't bear to bring back Sora's shadow like an animal to slaughter. He's not real, he isn't real, it doesn't matter. But they are only words and Riku lost his faith in words a long time ago when he realized all Maleficent spouted were pretty lies and for every time he said he'd save Kairi he failed to and let Sora have her. Maybe it wasn't so long ago but the darkness can do funny things to you, like addle your brain and infect your eyes with the truth and make you fall in love with shadows.

It's very fitting, he thinks. All his new worlds rolled up and locked away from him and all he's got left is data and a world that never was. All his love for light and sky turned around and painted on a shadow that won't (can't) ever care. He can't beat the darkness like he is; a pale sliver of dawn that longs to fade away, since nothing's left and colors are just too bright. (He once saw Sora's bright red jumpsuit and it made him wince and close his eyes.) He has to become the darkness and Ansem's voice chuckles within him; I knew you would come back to me, you will always come back to me, you are mine.

Riku wants to scream but there's no one to hear him. He wants to find his blond (when did he become his) enigma and learn his name, and know him just once, as himself. From the way Ansem is laughing he doubts he'll ever be himself again and, oh, he can't ever let Sora know. A shake of his head banishes Sora from his thought (he finds it's getting easier, but is that good or bad?) and leaves again.

DiZ warns, without words; You had better bring him back. But Riku knows he won't, not this time, but the next, when an extra foot and some forty-five odd pounds give him an advantage the other boy can't surmount; the iron-fisted control over darkness giving him a power that has already consumed him once.

And, oh, how he wishes it would again.