Author's Note: Sorry it's been a few days later than I planned to update! I had a little trouble getting focused. Hope everyone is starting to recover from the season four finale by now - personally, I think it's going to take a week or two longer until I can stop internally whimpering whenever I think about it!

Kurt had just returned from his daily visit with Borden—solitary confinement was technically classed as torture, and he refused to let himself sink that low, so he spent some time each day with their prisoner—when he heard Jane's voice in the Zero Division annex. He quickened his step without meaning to, his spirits lifting at the confirmation that she was back safely from her meeting with Roman.

"Jane, I think you should sit down," he heard Zapata suggest, the uncertain note in her voice setting off Kurt's internal warning bells.

He turned the corner into the annex, and the sight of Jane's pale face and hunched shoulders immediately clued him in that something was wrong. Had something triggered a PTSD flashback while she was out, or had Roman given her some new, terrible detail about Sandstorm's plans?

"What happened?" he asked, reaching Jane's side.

She turned a despairing gaze on him. "Shepherd is aborting the FBI mission. I have to go back to Sandstorm tomorrow night."

No.

Kurt's mind rejected any other thoughts but that one simple, emphatic denial of reality. As Zapata, Reade and Nas began to discuss this recent turn of events, all he could do was stare at the woman he loved, unable to process the situation. Jane returned his gaze miserably, as though she knew exactly how he felt.

"We can't let this happen." Kurt didn't register that he'd just cut across Nas until the words were already out, and he was still too stunned to care about politeness.

Nas sighed. "I knew you were going to say that."

"You want to throw Jane into the lion's den with no support, no backup?" Rage rose within him. Jane had only ever been a chess piece to her – a pawn she could exploit and then sacrifice in her quest to take down Sandstorm. It wasn't right. "Are you even human, Nas?"

"Do you think this is an easy decision for me?" Nas countered icily. "Look, I like Jane. I like all of you. But I value the lives of possibly millions of innocent people over one asset, reformed or not. If you see any other options—any of you—I'm all ears."

Zapata and Reade kept silent, and Jane was staring off into space as though she wasn't even listening. Kurt wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her he'd protect her, that everything would be okay, but lying to her had never gotten him anywhere. He didn't know how he would make this right—yet. He needed to buy some time to think.

"Jane said Roman seemed to be on the fence about telling her something, the other day. If we can just keep things going the way they have been, he could crack any day now. Maybe, if Jane can persuade Shepherd—"

"Yes, that's an option," Nas conceded, clearly frustrated, "but we don't have any guarantee that she'll change her mind. From the psychological profile we've put together of Shepherd, that seems extremely unlikely. We need to consider all possible outcomes here, and if Shepherd thinks Jane is no longer affiliated with the FBI in any way, she might read her in on phase two, which we desperately need to happen."

Jane's continued silence and disengagement from the confrontation worried him, but gave him another argument to throw at Nas. "Jane has been through an extended period of trauma, followed by a relapse. We know what Shepherd thinks of PTSD, how she expects Remi to deal with it. Roman told Jane that during Remi's earlier PTSD, she ended up completely off her game from sleep deprivation and flashbacks. If that happens again, Jane could accidentally reveal that we know about Sandstorm, and Shepherd could accelerate her timeline for phase two. We don't need that."

"So what's your alternative, Weller?" Nas asked, folding her arms. "If Shepherd won't agree to let Jane stay, we do what? Bring her in here, wrap her in cotton wool, make it clear that we know about Sandstorm? How would that be any better? At least if we send her in deep, we don't tip our hand and we still have a chance to prevent this attack."

Kurt clenched his hands into fists, desperate adrenaline surging through him. "I just learned about this two minutes ago. I need some time to come up with a plan. I'm not gonna throw her life away without at least considering an alternative, not after everything she's been thr—"

Jane's voice cut wearily across his, silencing him. "She's standing right here. Don't you think you should ask her what she thinks?"

Both he and Nas flinched guiltily, and Nas sighed. "I'm sorry, Jane."

Jane didn't react, her focus on Kurt. "We knew this might have to happen. That day when I went off to meet Roman for the first time, there was no guarantee that I'd come back."

"But that was before we knew what Shepherd was like. The way she'd make no allowances for your trauma." The anger had drained out of him, and now he just felt lost, the way he had the first few nights after Taylor had disappeared.

Jane gestured to one of the small rooms that led off the main annex space. "Can we talk privately for a second?"

He nodded and made straight for the doorway, barely holding back his despair.

Behind him, Jane addressed the others. "Shepherd expects me to fake my own kidnapping tomorrow night, while Kurt is working late with Pellington. She wants me to take copies of any classified information I can get my hands on today and tomorrow, so if you guys can pull the same trick you did with Borden, falsify some things, come up with some real documents you're pretty sure she could get through other channels…"

"Of course," Nas said.

"You got it," Zapata agreed softly.

"We'll read Patterson in, too," Reade agreed.

As Jane thanked them, and her footsteps headed his way, Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat. The last thing Jane needed was for him to fall apart on her now.

The sound of the door closing made him take a deep breath. What could he possibly say to her? How could he stop this from happening? He felt as powerless now as he had as a ten-year-old child.

"Hey," Jane said, stepping into his line of sight, reaching out to put her hand on his arm.

Kurt took both her hands in his, wishing he didn't feel as though he was drawing strength from her, instead of the other way around. "I'm so sorry, Jane. I don't know how to stop this yet, but I…"

She shook her head, shushing him gently. "Don't apologise. You didn't put me in this situation. Shepherd did."

"I can't just let this happen. I'm not sending you into this without a fight."

"I don't think we have a choice," Jane said, her voice faltering, then gaining conviction. "Kurt, I wish I could stay with you, but if Shepherd figures out whose side I'm really on, she'll carry out phase two early. We have no idea what it is, let alone how to stop it. My going in deep is the only way we have a hope of finding out about Sandstorm's plans now."

"It's too risky." I can't lose you. Please, don't make me live without you. I don't know how anymore.

"Because we've never taken risks before?" Her half-hearted attempt at teasing broke his heart all over again. She was trying to be strong and face the danger, and he was adding to her burden by floundering in denial.

"What do you need? What can I do?" he asked, needing to feel useful. More than anything, he wanted to support her, to make things better, to fix something about this whole screwed-up situation.

Jane tried a smile, but her eyes were bleak. "Just…hold me for a minute?"

How could he have forgotten that simplest, most vital show of support? It was like his fear had paralysed the part of his brain that knew how to comfort her. Stupid, Weller.

He pulled her close, and she pressed her cheek against his shoulder, her breath escaping in a shaky sigh as she clutched him tightly in return. Long, weighty moments passed as they shared their silent distress at their forthcoming separation, their dread that things might go fatally wrong.

When her grip on him loosened a fraction, Kurt murmured, "You don't have to do this, Jane. Just because Remi got you into this, that doesn't mean you have to throw yourself in harm's way."

She laughed sadly against his chest. "Do you really think I could just run away now, leave my family to unleash who-knows-what? Any more than you could, if it were your family?"

He wouldn't run, no matter the risk to his safety, and he knew Jane wouldn't, either. That didn't make anything easier.

A couple of seconds later, he gently eased her back so he could look into her face. "The thought of letting you walk into this alone, without any backup—"

"Roman will be my backup."

Her terrorist brother would back her up against their terrorist mother? Kurt shook his head slowly, wondering if the lines were more blurred for Jane than he'd thought.

"Against Shepherd's 'tough love', anyway," Jane elaborated, sensing his scepticism. "That's what worries me more than going undercover. That she'll put me in situations that bend me until I break. Roman will take my side there. He and Remi went through too much as kids for him to abandon me now."

"You really believe that?" He searched her face, looking for a strand of hope.

"About…eighty percent? Shepherd has a lot of sway over him, and I'm not the Remi he used to know. But I think I'm connecting with him on a level that Remi didn't, or at least that she hasn't for a long time."

Being this powerless to read the situation chafed his nerves, but without having met Roman or Shepherd, he had to put his faith in Jane's assessment. "I trust your instincts. And if anyone can get this done, you can. What I said about your PTSD out there—it wasn't fair of me. You've held it together under incredible pressure, and I believe in you. I just… I hate that I can't stop this from happening."

Jane shrugged, her smile bittersweet. "I don't blame you for being worried I'll lose it. You watched me hold Keaton at gunpoint; you've woken me from dozens of nightmares. You know how bad things get sometimes."

Kurt cursed himself inwardly. He'd made her doubt herself, and that was the last thing she needed.

"And I know how strong you are, to keep fighting through it all. You could have given up and stayed in that black site. You could have killed Keaton in Bulgaria, or Cade the other night. But you held out against everything, and you still managed to keep your cover and come back safely. I know you can do this, Jane."

Jane cupped his face in her hand. "And I know you'll be there to back me up, the second I have something we can act on. That will keep me steady."

"Nothing will stop me from getting to you, the second I know you need me," he vowed, pressing his forehead to hers.

"I love you," she whispered. "No matter how this turns out, that will never change."

Their kiss was slow and bittersweet, as they desperately grasped for any connection they could get before their circumstances separated them. Knowing she was about to be cruelly ripped from his life, Kurt felt a rising urgency to pin her to the wall and take her right here, to lose himself in her while he still could. With an effort, he pulled back, his heart wrenching as Jane made a soft, anguished sound and buried her face against his neck.

"I love you, too," he told her, wishing that the three traditional words didn't feel so inadequate at conveying the depth of his emotions.

He'd expected her to cry, but she seemed to be steeling herself instead, as though if she let herself feel everything she wanted to, she'd find herself unable to function. When she stepped back, putting a few inches of distance between them, an almost harsh determination had replaced the desolation she'd allowed him to see earlier.

"We should go help the others. If Patterson gets a tattoo alert this afternoon or tomorrow, we'll be working two urgent cases at once. We should do as much as we can now, while it's quiet."

"Jane…" It almost broke his composure to see her shutting him out like this. It reminded him of how distant they'd been after she'd learned he'd kept her tooth isotope result from her, and he could barely stand it.

As though she sensed his thoughts, she took his hand and placed it over her heart, covering it with both of hers. "We can talk about this more tonight, when we have enough time to ourselves to deal with it properly. For now, I just need to focus on preparing for what's coming, so I can fool Shepherd into thinking I got away clean. Okay?"

He nodded, taking comfort from the solid, steady beat of her heart against his palm. If there was some way he could connect himself to her heartbeat while she were gone, so he could be certain she was still alive, he'd take it. "Let's do it."

As she'd arranged with Roman, Jane had gone to confront Shepherd as soon as she'd left work for the day. Instead of his usual sedan, Roman had pulled up in a black SUV with tinted windows, the driver's window rolled down. "Get in the back."

Yanking open the back door, she'd been unsurprised to find Shepherd waiting for her, a taut smile on her face. "Hello, Remi."

As Roman had silently navigated the SUV through the sluggish rush-hour traffic—so similar to the conditions this morning, when she and Kurt had discussed going on a date—Jane had tried to reason with Shepherd, making no effort to hide her anger. Trying to argue in a more 'Remi-like' way after Roman's warning would just make their mother suspicious, and in any case, Jane couldn't see how Remi would be anything other than furious at the decision to pull her back out of the FBI.

"After all I've been through for this mission—after everything I've lost—I need to see it through."

"Mayfair is gone. Kurt Weller is in place as her successor. The FBI have copies of all the tattoos from your body, and can continue to act on the counter-corruption cases in your absence. You've achieved the majority of what you set out to do, Remi. You should be proud of yourself as you return to the fold."

"But the plan was originally for me to stay in place until after phase two, right? What's changed? Why pull me back in now?"

"You're far too close to Weller to be left in place without Thornton to monitor your mental state. Sleeping in his bed and working with him all day, you might start to lose your perspective. Surely you can understand that."

"You wanted me close to Weller! I have done nothing but what you asked for this whole time, and now you're punishing me because Thornton slipped up? That's ridiculous!"

"The fact that you're so angry about this makes me think it's absolutely the right decision."

"I got tattoos over practically every inch of my skin for this mission, Shepherd. I had my memory obliterated, and I might never get it all back. Oscar died trying to see this through, and it will all have been for nothing if I don't finish this. Of course I'm angry!"

"I sympathise with your position, Remi, but you're beginning to try my patience. The ZIP wiped out so many of your memories of what we're fighting for, and I won't take the risk that you become too attached to the wrong side. The FBI are the enemy, and I think you're starting to forget that."

"After what the CIA and the US military did to me, you think I'm in danger of switching sides, to an agency that works under the same corrupt government? Are you always this paranoid?"

"You say paranoid; I say cautious. It's how we've gotten this far without being detected, and my gut tells me that we might lose you if we don't pull you out now." As Jane opened her mouth to protest, Shepherd held up a warning hand. "This isn't a negotiation, Remi—it's an order from your commanding officer. Now, will you obey, or is this a full-blown act of mutiny?"

Jane had had no choice but to give in.

Now, as she left the subway and caught sight of the park at the end of Kurt's street, the anger and frustration she'd been using as armour began to melt away, leaving weary resignation in its place.

This was going to happen. She hadn't been able to convince Shepherd of her dedication to Sandstorm, and now she had to tell the man she loved that she'd failed, knowing how much he'd been hoping for her success.

This would be their last night together until they could stop phase two. If her undercover mission went sideways, and Shepherd found out she'd betrayed Sandstorm, it might be the last night Jane would ever spend with Kurt.

The thought was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She crossed the park to a bench overlooking the river and sat down, needing a moment alone to come to terms with everything.

It would give Kurt a heart attack if he ever guessed, but she wasn't overly worried about going undercover. Yes, it was dangerous, but she'd been in a holding pattern with Shepherd and Roman for months, making very little progress towards finding out any information of consequence. Part of her was glad to finally get a change of pace, to take new steps towards the answers she sought. Her entire life would be stuck on pause until she could deal with the looming threat Sandstorm presented, and she was more than ready to get it over with and move forward, even if it meant throwing herself into danger's path.

What made her heartsick was losing everything she was about to abandon. Her job with the FBI. The friends she'd made within CIRG since she'd first arrived, and especially the core taskforce members she now considered family—Patterson, Reade and Zapata. She'd only just reconnected with them after the damage she'd done to their trust. Now she had to walk away, and there was a chance she might not return.

The hardest part would be leaving Kurt behind—not only because she loved him so deeply that her soul ached at the thought of parting from him, but because if she died undercover, his misplaced guilt would tear him to shreds. He'd tortured himself for so long over Taylor Shaw already. Losing Jane might destroy him, and she couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of so much hurt.

No matter how eager she was to put a stop to Shepherd's plans, she couldn't throw herself into the mission without grieving for everything she was walking away from. Since she'd moved in with Kurt, they'd grown so close that she wasn't sure how to extricate herself from him without leaving something behind. Putting him behind her, even temporarily, was the most daunting thing she'd ever had to face.

How was she going to walk out of the NYO tomorrow, catch the subway home, then systematically trash Kurt's apartment, making her feigned abduction look as realistic as possible? He'd have to call forensics, take crime scene photos, put together an incident file, all the while knowing there was no crime behind it. If there was no official investigation for Sandstorm to monitor, Shepherd would know she'd switched allegiances.

Kurt and his team had to pretend to look into Jane's disappearance, pretend to be worried her life was in immediate danger, all the while wasting valuable time and resources they could be using to investigate Sandstorm. Not only that, but they'd have to string out the initial investigation for far longer than they normally would, because Shepherd knew that if he really believed she'd been kidnapped, Kurt would be relentless and obsessive in his search for her.

Earlier, in the SUV, Jane had pointed out what she'd seen as a fatal flaw in Shepherd's logic, hoping it would change her mother's mind.

"I think Weller's in love with me, and he looked for Taylor Shaw for twenty-five years. Do you really think he'll ever stop searching for me, if he thinks I've been kidnapped?"

"Once we've executed phase two, he'll have other, far more immediate and urgent concerns. All we have to do is keep you from being detected until then."

Jane shuddered at the memory of the casual way Shepherd had spoken. Her insinuation couldn't have been clearer: once phase two was over, Kurt would have the aftermath of a major terrorist attack to deal with, with thousands of casualties, maybe even millions. He'd have no time to worry about searching for one missing lover.

She had to put an end to this. She'd find out why he was so important to Sandstorm's plans, and she'd make sure he'd never have to take on whatever terrible responsibility Shepherd had decided he should bear. Jane owed that to him, and there was nothing she wasn't prepared to do to take her family down.

But first, she had one final night to spend with the agent who had come to mean everything to her, and she was determined to make it count.