Author's Note: So this is part one of Jeller's farewell night - expect lots of angst and also smut! Plus I'm kind of working up to something, but it needs another chapter to work around to. I'm hoping it's something nobody sees coming in advance, but I guess we'll see after chapter seventy-six! Which should be up sometime later this week, since I've been looking forward to writing it for a while. :D
Kurt was at a loss as to what to do when he returned to the apartment. Jane had gone straight from the office to meet Shepherd and Roman, and though he hoped she'd be able to convince her mother that remaining at the FBI was still the best option, they'd both acknowledged that it was an unlikely outcome.
Without an enemy target he could focus on taking down, Kurt switched to the only other way he could manage his stress right now—cooking. Not that he was particularly hungry tonight, and he suspected Jane wouldn't be, either, but making a salad and preparing the components for a large Spanish omelette gave him something to do with his hands. The omelette would also taste good if left to go cold, and since Kurt planned to fully defer to whatever Jane wanted to do with her last night here, that was a plus.
Once everything was ready for him to cook once she returned home, he began to leaf through some of his old paperwork again, still searching for some kind of connection between his teenage self and Shepherd. His attention kept wavering, and eventually he threw aside the stack of paper files, frustrated.
How could he stop this from happening? How could he keep Jane with him, without putting untold numbers of civilians at risk?
You can't. You know there's no other choice.
When he'd first joined the FBI, he'd been driven by a fierce need to make a difference, to protect the people who couldn't protect themselves. He still had that drive, but what he hadn't reckoned on was how strongly his desire to protect Jane conflicted with that. A selfish part of him wanted to run away with her, to some remote part of the globe where Shepherd's plans would never reach them, and hide away forever. It was never a part he'd give in to, but as he waited for Jane to return with the final verdict on her next course of action, he indulged the fantasy.
I've already lost Taylor and Mayfair. Don't take Jane from me as well. Anyone but Jane. Please.
Was he praying? If so, it was the first time he'd tried appealing to any kind of god since he was ten years old. His staunchly Catholic mother had been dismayed when he'd started refusing to go to church with her, even to light a candle and pray for Taylor Shaw's return. Kurt hadn't seen the point in praying to a deity that could take a five-year-old child away from the family that loved her, never to return. His lack of faith had continued through his adolescence, right into adulthood, and he'd never felt there was a hole in his life where his faith had been—the only hole in his life had been Taylor-shaped.
If he was falling back on early childhood habits and appealing to an authority he no longer believed existed, his impending separation from Jane was likely to take a heavy toll on him. Could he keep it together, as an agent and as a functional human being?
Earlier than he'd expected, he heard Jane's key in the door. He got up to meet her, the last ember of hope dying in his chest at her defeated body language.
Jane closed the apartment door and set down her keys, then confirmed what he already knew, her expression bleak. "She shot me down."
For a moment, they gazed at each other in awful silence, their faces grim. Then Kurt sighed and reached for Jane, pulling her into a tight, protective embrace. "This can't be happening."
"I'm so sorry," Jane murmured, holding him just as fiercely. "After everything you've done for me, I hate that you'll be worrying about me even more once I'm gone."
He buried one hand in her hair, cupping the back of her head as though it would make them merge even closer. "You're not the one who has to apologise. Shepherd is."
"She thinks I'm too close to you, that I might turn. That's why she's doing this. Even though she told me I should try to get into your bed. She wouldn't listen to anything I said, no matter which angle I tried to work. She'd already made up her mind."
Disproportionate rage rose through his chest into his throat, choking off his words. He had to swallow before he could respond. "I don't want to even think about her right now."
The tremor in his breath was too obvious. Jane gently pulled back enough that she could look up into his face, her expression filled with a sad, weary resignation. "Then we don't have to. But this is going to happen, Kurt. It's the only way to stop Sandstorm now."
His anger dissipated, giving way to despair at how broken down she looked. The past few months had been a trial for him, but she'd suffered so much more. Tortured, repeatedly traumatised, monitored and treated suspiciously—by her family, and by the agencies she'd put her trust in. Only stubborn strength had gotten her through to a place where he'd been able to pull his head free of his own ass and help her. Even now, with his unconditional support, she was still unsteady. The idea of her having to go on alone, sleeping in the same building as the monstrous woman who'd emotionally abused her for years, even if she didn't remember it...
He blinked against the sting of tears, and kissed her forehead tenderly. "This might be happening, but it's not gonna be tonight. We have the rest of the evening all to ourselves. I know you're probably not that hungry, but tomorrow will be worse. We should try to eat…"
Jane nodded, trying to smile. "Yeah, we should. And after that, for the rest of the night? I just want to be close to you. Nothing else matters for now."
They stood in each other's embrace for a couple more moments, drawing strength from each other. Then Kurt took her hand and brought her into the kitchen with him. "Spanish omelette sound good?"
"How is that different from a normal omelette?"
"Mainly potato."
He took her segue into everyday conversation and ran with it, distracting them both with an impromptu cooking demonstration. Jane was never more than two feet from him as he cooked up the ingredients he'd prepared earlier, and he made sure to touch her often: brushing his hand against her waist as he leaned around her to reach a spatula; tilting his head against hers when she rested her chin on his shoulder from behind him; tugging her into a soft, lingering kiss in a lull where he had to wait for the omelette to fry a little.
"Can I help?" Jane asked, at one point.
"Most of it was already done before you got home." He smiled. "You're helping just by being here."
Though neither of them acknowledged it, their smiles died quickly after that—tomorrow, Jane would be gone.
When everything was ready, they ate on the couch, sitting at an angle to each other so their elbows didn't clash while they used their utensils, but with their lower legs entangled, in constant contact.
"I was hungrier than I thought," Jane confessed, as she set her empty plate on the coffee table. "Thank you for this."
Kurt stacked his plate on top of hers, then sat back, lifting his arm in invitation for her to snuggle closer. Jane did so without hesitation, and for a while they simply reclined together, with no words necessary.
When she grew tense in his arms, he sensed she was letting her worries about the future cloud her mind, and decided to distract her. "So… What else do you want to do tonight?"
She turned her face up to his, her fingers brushing his jaw. She didn't have to speak; he was already perfectly attuned to her wavelength.
Kurt met her halfway to a slow, hard, desperately longing kiss, pouring all the love he felt into it and knowing she did the same. When they parted, Jane stood up, laced her fingers through his and took a step back, tugging lightly on his hands in an incitement to follow her. He rose from the couch and let her lead him.
I'd follow you anywhere, into anything, Jane. If I could go with you tomorrow, I'd—
"Want to share a bubble bath with me?" she asked, when they were halfway to the bedroom.
Although he'd made sure she relaxed in the tub numerous times since she'd moved in, he hadn't yet joined her. The idea was immediately appealing. "It'll take a few minutes to fill the tub."
She nodded, her smile subdued, but genuine. "You go start that, and I'll join you in a minute."
Kurt almost protested, not wanting to let her out of his sight for a moment, but realised he was overreacting. "Done."
After setting the hot water running, he added some of the bath foam Jane had picked up the other week, after she'd teased him about how often he seemed to try to throw her in the tub lately. He already associated the clean, herbal scent with her, and as the aroma filled the air, he swallowed hard to suppress a surge of helpless fury. Damn you, Shepherd. Damn you for taking her from me. For putting her through all of this.
He breathed deeply, trying to find some calm. Tomorrow, when she'd left for Shepherd's compound, he could give himself permission to release his frustration and rage. But tonight, Jane needed him to hold it together and be there for her.
The tub was taking its time to fill, so he went in search of Jane. He found her sitting on the bed in her underwear, apparently lost in thought, her brow furrowed and jaw clenched. As he approached her, she glanced up, and he caught a glimpse of the same emotions he'd been trying to suppress, just for a moment. Then she hid it all behind a weary smile. "Hey."
Kurt stripped down to his own underwear before sitting beside her. "You don't have to hide how you feel, Jane. Not from me."
She leaned against him, the warmth of her bare skin making him crave more. He wrapped his arms around her, and she sighed. "I don't want to think about what's going to happen tomorrow. I just want to think about this moment, with you."
"That's all I want, too."
Jane turned her head to kiss him, pulling back only when he slid his fingers under the hem of her sports bra. "If you do that, the apartment is gonna flood before we can shut off the bathwater." Even as she spoke, she was lifting her arms to let him strip the garment away from her skin.
"Sounds like a dare to me." He kissed the hollow at the base of her throat, unable to help himself, as she straddled his lap.
"Yeah, it'd be fun until your downstairs neighbours come up to complain that their ceiling is dripping water." Jane caught his hand as he toyed with the waistband of her underwear, then gave him a provocative kiss, grinding against his hard-on. "I don't want to see anyone else tonight."
He groaned under his breath, fighting his baser instincts. "If you don't want me to roll you over and pin you down right now, you should get up."
For a moment, she hesitated, and he thought she'd carry on tempting him. But then she stood up and backed away, a tiny smile on her lips, as his body ached for her, protesting her absence. "You coming?"
He caught up to her in the bathroom doorway, wrapping his arms around her from behind and nuzzling her neck. A quick glance at the bathtub told him it was almost full enough, but the scalding water would need a few minutes' cooling time once he shut off the faucet. A plan began to form in his mind, and he slid his hands up from around Jane's waist to cup her breasts.
"Take off your underwear."
Her breath caught as he pinched and rolled her nipples between his fingers. "And if I say no?" she asked, her tone making it clear she wasn't serious.
"Then I'll do it for you. But that means I'll have to stop doing this…" He brushed a feather-light touch over the tip of each nipple, knowing how much she loved it.
Jane sighed and arched against his fingers, her own hands busy pushing down her underwear. "You make a convincing argument."
He teased her nipples for a few moments more, then gave in to the temptation to reach down between her legs. Her heat and slickness enticed him, and his self-control fell away as she hummed with pleasure, swaying forward into his touch.
He drew back only enough to turn her in his arms, and she met his intense kiss with matching fervour, rocking her hips against him. He lifted her onto the edge of the bathroom counter, then stepped back, disentangling her arms from around him.
"What—?" Jane began to ask, her brow furrowing in confusion.
Kurt shut off the bathwater as fast as he could, stripped off his boxer-briefs, then returned to her arms, unable to help but grin at the approving comprehension dawning on her face. "Now we don't have to worry about flooding the apartment."
She shifted closer, pressing her forehead against his as she reached for his cock and guided it right where she wanted it. She caught her lower lip between her teeth as he slid deep inside her, and he wondered if he'd ever get tired of the way they felt together. Somehow, he doubted it.
"Yes," Jane breathed in his ear, drawing up her legs to brace her heels against the counter. "Now. Hard."
Her breathless encouragement gave him a burst of adrenaline, and he slammed into her over and over, revelling in their closeness, her readiness, her short, panting breaths as he worked them both towards the edge.
Jane's fingernails scored lines of pain across his back as she gasped his name, the sensation driving him nearer to completion. As her tension grew, a frustrated whimper left her throat, and he knew she'd need more than just his cock to get off. He brought his hand down between them, pressing it over her clit without breaking the rhythm of his thrusts. The added stimulation was enough to trigger her potent climax, and he followed within seconds, the deep muscle spasms around his cock too much to resist.
"I love you," Jane whispered, her lips moving against his neck. "Love you so much."
He leaned back enough to kiss her again, a groan rising in his throat as an aftershock of her orgasm rippled around him. "Love you, Jane," he murmured against her mouth, then claimed her lips again.
They clung together for a couple of minutes, revelling in their connection, until goosebumps began to rise on their skin. As a shiver ran through Jane, Kurt lifted her off the counter, down onto her feet. "Let's get in the tub."