Author's Note: Okay, so this chapter gave me a little bit of trouble, but I finally managed to herd it into some kind of shape. As you can see, Jane and Kurt's last night together is stretching out a few chapters, but hey, if you're looking for a fast-paced fic, you've come to the wrong place. ;)
Thank you to lurkingwhump, as always, for all the encouragement and glove. :D
If Remi had ever shared a bathtub with a love interest before, Jane didn't remember it, so she considered this her first time. Kurt seemed determined to make sure it was memorable, helping her into the tub before disappearing into the bedroom. When he reappeared with the candles he'd set out for their steamy massage session a few weeks earlier, she wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously. It wasn't the first time he'd proven himself to be a hopeless romantic, but it caught her off guard every time. How many of the agents under his command would guess that Kurt Weller had such a squishy, marshmallow centre?
Kurt's tub was large enough to fit both of them comfortably, and after he finished lighting the candles—carefully set out on the counter they'd just used for sex—they relaxed together amidst the bubbles, Jane seated between his legs, reclining so that his chest warmed her back. The hot water, combined with the security of Kurt's embrace, made her drowsy, and after a few minutes of comfortable silence, she sighed, rubbing her eyes. "I don't want to fall asleep."
Kurt tightened his arms around her, and though she had her back to him, she could sense him nodding. "Talk to me; it'll keep you awake."
Jane took a breath to speak, then hesitated. What could she possibly say that wouldn't bring them both crashing back into brutal reality? There had to be something.
"I…uh…" She felt as though she were failing him, her mind discarding every topic that sprang to mind. Discussing work was out of the question, under the current circumstances. All of their mutual friends were connected to the FBI somehow, so any mention of them would link back into work. They couldn't talk about the future; their plans for the weekend had been ruined…
He kissed her temple, then murmured, "I know. Take it easy."
Realising she'd tensed up, she made herself relax again, focusing on the immediate moment—where she was, who she was with, how safe he made her feel. It was something she'd learned to do early on in her therapy with Borden, and despite the duplicity of the man, his counselling skills had been solid.
Sensing her return to relative calm, Kurt said, "If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on first?"
Jane couldn't help but grin. "How much did you have to drink before I got home, Kurt?" she teased.
He laughed. "It's kind of a weird question, I know. But you have to admit, it's connotation free."
"Okay…" Jane thought about it. "Assuming this million dollars came to me honestly, and I didn't snatch it from the hands of needy orphans or something… I guess I'd make the FBI an offer on my safehouse apartment. I love staying here with you, but once this has all blown over, I guess I'm still gonna need a place of my own. The safehouse seems as good a place as any. And if there was anything left over, maybe going on vacation would be fun. I don't remember ever doing that."
"Hmm," Kurt said, skimming his thumbs over her stomach, beneath the bubbles.
Jane waited for more, but he didn't say anything.
Oh. He's thinking about the way there might not be a 'once this has all blown over'. I guess the question was connotation-free, but my answer wasn't.
"What about you?" she asked, hoping to take his mind off things. "What would you spend your million dollars on?"
Kurt took a moment to think, then said, "I'd give half of it to Sarah and Sawyer, for her mortgage and his college fund. Then I'd treat you to that vacation you want, give some to kids' charities…and probably invest a little, too. I'm kinda boring like that."
Jane laughed. "I don't think you're boring. Responsible, yes. But not boring." And the part about the kids' charities is obviously because of Taylor. Oh, Kurt…
"Now, if we were talking ten million dollars… That's where things would get a little irresponsible."
Hearing a note of amusement in his voice, Jane twisted in his arms to look up into his face. "Why? What would you do with ten million dollars?"
"I'd get a better car than Reade's, just to make him jealous. Then I'd buy him one, too. I'd…find some rare, expensive geek thing that Patterson's always dreamed of having, and buy it for her. I'd have to get Afreen to snoop around on her eBay watch-list or something, since I have no clue about any of that stuff. And I'd try to bribe a couple of Zapata's favourite sports players into going to dinner with her."
"Special Agent Weller, I'm shocked!" Jane rolled her eyes. Only Kurt would think of extravagant gifts for friends as the most irresponsible thing he'd ever do with money. No blackjack or hookers for her man—maybe a slightly fancier car than he already had, at a push.
"Oh, and you'd get everything your heart desires," Kurt added, nuzzling her shoulder as she relaxed back against him. "Fancy new weapons, all the best art supplies, a studio where you could create your masterpieces, if that's what you want, someday…"
So many men would have been clueless as to what she'd want, probably guessing clothing, jewellery, expensive-yet-useless-trinkets… But Kurt knew her, deep down. She swallowed against a rush of emotion, composing herself enough to turn in his arms again.
"'Everything my heart desires' comes pretty cheap, you know. It might sound a little cheesy, but you're all I want."
His eyes softened, and he leaned forward to brush his lips against hers. "And I just want you."
After another lingering, loving kiss, he just gazed into her face for a few moments, a slightly odd expression in his eyes. She couldn't quite read him.
"What?" she asked, feeling a little self-conscious.
He shook his head, and the intensity abated. "We should probably clean up a little before the water goes cold."
Still sated from earlier, they kept their touches intimate but innocent, as Kurt covered his hands in soap, smoothing them over Jane's heavily inked skin. When she suggested they switch positions so she could wash his back, he grunted and buried his face in her neck, implying without words that he'd rather stay close to her. This bath was less about getting clean—after all, the night was far from over—than about spending time relaxing together. For the most part, they just lay there, enjoying the warmth and each other's company.
Once the water grew tepid, Jane leaned forward and pulled out the bathplug. "Come on. Let's get dried off so we can snuggle up."
She'd expected they'd head straight to bed, making love until they fell asleep, but Kurt pulled on some clothes instead, seeming restless. "Hot chocolate on the balcony?"
Despite how much she'd wanted to take refuge in their bed, she sensed he needed this. As for her own needs, this would be one last chance to enjoy the view of the Brooklyn Bridge with him. She wasn't about to pass that up.
It wasn't just physical intimacy she'd miss when she left. They'd spent so many hours on the balcony since that first lazy Saturday afternoon of their relationship, once she'd stopped running from Kurt after sex, and agreed to stay over at his place for the first time. It was one of the places she felt most at peace, leaning on the railing or sitting next to the man she loved, watching the city go by.
She'd miss it so badly while she was away—but now wasn't the time to think about that.
Blotting her damp hair with a towel, Jane nodded. "Sounds perfect."
Kurt hesitated, then offered, "If you want something stronger than chocolate…"
"Tempting, but no. Tomorrow is gonna be bad enough without an added hangover."
After throwing on some clothing and blow-drying her hair, she followed the divine, chocolatey smell from the kitchen out to the balcony, where Kurt was just placing mugs on the small table. She reached for him instead of the drink, sensing his strange mood hadn't abated since earlier. "Penny for your thoughts?"
He tried to smile. "Generous offer."
She waited, needing to hear what was on his mind. This night couldn't just be about sex and snuggling—it was also their last chance to really discuss the situation that was being forced upon them, and they hadn't confronted it yet.
Kurt held out a couple more moments, as though hoping she'd decide to withdraw her question. Then he sighed, giving in. "I keep trying to come up with some other plan, some way I can keep you here with me, keep you safe. But I keep coming up blank."
She cupped his face in her palm, his desolate expression making her heart ache with sympathy. "I know you want to protect me, Kurt, but this needs to happen. I guess it was always heading towards this, from the minute we found out about Sandstorm. I need to make it right before my family does something unspeakable."
"I just want to be there, to watch your back. The thought of you being out there in danger, while I just sit around and wait to hear if you're okay…" A shudder ran through him. "It already drives me crazy, and you're not even gone yet."
All of the most comforting responses would be lies, and she wouldn't lie to him again. She settled for, "I'll be careful, and the moment I can signal for backup, I'll do it." If I can.
"I know. And I meant what I said earlier, at the office. I believe in you. I just…" He bit back the rest of what he was going to say, and Jane didn't push. She could hear his unspoken question as clearly as if he'd voiced it.
What if you don't make it out alive?
Jane's earlier fears resurfaced, the possibility of Kurt being destroyed by her death all too real. She pulled away and sat down, reaching for her mug of hot chocolate. Kurt repositioned a chair next to hers and picked up his own mug, and for a few quiet, heartsick moments, they stared out at the Brooklyn Bridge together.
Just get it over with, Jane urged herself.
She took his hand. "Promise me something, Kurt."
He gave a tiny nod for her to continue, watching her intently.
"Promise that if I don't make it back—if things go wrong—you won't blame yourself. I don't have a choice but to go into this, but you don't have any other choice but to watch me go. Whatever happens when I'm undercover, it's not your responsibility. It's mine, and it's Sandstorm's."
"You're coming back, Jane."
His voice was more forceful than she'd expected. Guilt at making him consider this possibility tore her up inside. But given the alternative…
"I'll do everything I can to come back to you, but we have to face it—there's a chance I won't. And if that happens, I need you to move on with your life and be happy."
He closed his eyes, his tone harsh. "Stop."
Sensing that he was at a cliff edge, she backed off. She'd made her wishes clear, and that was all she could do. "I'm sorry. I just… I needed to get that out."
He stood up, as though sitting close to her was too much for him to bear right then, and took his mug over to the railing.
Jane wanted to join him, to reach out and touch him, but it was clear he needed space. Staying where she was, fighting back tears, she watched him struggle with his emotions, his head bowed and shoulders hunched.
She'd caused him so much pain already. It hurt that she was adding to it now, at a time when all she wanted to do was hold him and forget about the future.
After a few moments, he turned to face her and shook his head. "I won't promise you that. I can't."
Her stomach turning over, Jane abandoned her drink and approached him, stopping within arm's reach, but letting him decide whether or not he wanted to close the remaining distance. "Kurt…"
His voice was a little rough, but not as harsh as before. "If the idea of me suffering without you upsets you that much, maybe you'll fight harder to get home safely. Maybe if you're wounded and trying to get out of danger, it will keep you struggling for a little longer, instead of giving up and going under. Maybe that will give me time to get to you and save your life." He paused, then added brokenly, "Or maybe not. But it's all the hope I've got right now."
Words failed Jane. She could only gaze at him and absorb the distress radiating from him. How could she respond to this without making light of how he felt, or shrugging off the danger?
He turned back to the view, cradling his mug in both hands as he rested his forearms on the railing. "I'm scared, Jane, because I know you. If you have to, you'll sacrifice yourself to stop Sandstorm. You've already decided that."
She couldn't deny that it had crossed her mind. "Only if there's no other option—if it means the difference between stopping Shepherd, or letting her carry out phase two. But if you were in my position, you'd do the exact same thing."
He didn't say anything for a long moment, and Jane couldn't bear it anymore. "Kurt, please. Look at me."
After a second, he turned his head, something within him seeming to thaw as he registered the tears in her eyes. He silently reached over and took her hand, and she exhaled in relief.
An idea occurred to her. "You remember what things were like just after I got out of the black site, right? When we were at Sarah's?"
He nodded, his grip tightening, as though the memory pained him.
"I could barely think of a reason to get out of bed. For a couple of days, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live. And if things were still like that, I wouldn't blame you for feeling like I might not come back—but Kurt, things are so different now. I have so many reasons to see this through, to live. To come back to you."
Seeing the cautious hope in his eyes, she began to list things as they came to her. "I'll have immunity for everything Remi did. I'll be free of any obligation to the NSA. The CIA won't be able to touch me, either." She smiled a little. "The team have taken a while to warm up to me again, but we're almost back to how we were, and I want to make sure that happens—that I can keep working on strengthening those friendships."
Sensing she was getting through to him, she laid her soul bare. "I'll have a chance to build a real life, outside of the tattoos and Sandstorm. I don't know what that will involve yet, but I do know I want it to be with you, for as long as you want me."
Kurt leaned in and kissed her, his eyes softer when he drew back. "That sounds like a serious commitment."
She ducked her head sheepishly. "Sorry. Am I scaring you away?"
He shook his head, staring at her with an expression that was difficult to interpret.
"What?" she prompted, with a growing feeling that something had been different since they'd taken a bath earlier. How, she couldn't define—but the way he'd looked at her then, was looking at her right now…
"How about we up the stakes on this 'coming back alive' thing?" Kurt asked.
Confused, she watched him set aside his mug and return to stand in front of her. She hadn't seen this kind of nervous energy in him before, and it made her pulse race without knowing why.
He took her hand and pressed it over his heart in what was now a familiar, tender gesture between them. His heartbeat seemed faster than she would have expected, reinforcing her impression that he was nervous.
"I realised something earlier—when you were talking about this all being over, and buying your safehouse from the FBI. I don't want you to leave. Not on this undercover mission, but not afterwards, either."
"You want me to move in for good?" After everything I've done, could I really be this lucky?
"Do you want to?" Though his tone was light, he was scrutinising her carefully, as though he feared she'd lie to spare his feelings.
In truth, she'd been dreading the moment she'd have to go back to living on her own, when her nightmares had subsided and her mission was over. She and Kurt had found a routine that worked for them. They fit so well together that she didn't want to leave, either.
"Of course I want to!" As she flung her arms around him, she sensed him relaxing a little. Had he really been so worried that she wouldn't want this? "I just thought this was temporary, until we could deal with Shepherd and get me some proper medication to help me sleep better."
"So did I—until you started talking about moving out."
Despite the warmth of his embrace, Jane sensed he was still on edge. She drew back to look into his eyes, searching for answers.
"Kurt…what…?"
He cupped her face in both hands and gave her a soft, sweet kiss. "I can't imagine my future without you in it."
"I feel the same way," she confessed.
You should be distancing yourself, making it easier for him to move on if you don't come back.
Jane ignored the pragmatic thought. It was far too late for that now. Perhaps it had been since their very first kiss—or even earlier than that.
Kurt reached out to take one of her hands in both of his, and the bittersweet love in his expression brought tears to her eyes.
"Jane Doe, when this is all over, will you marry me?"