Author's Note: It feels like a million years since I last updated this fic! I'm so very sorry for leaving it this long. I was stuck, trying to think of something Shepherd could have Jane doing that didn't let her roam far or figure out where the compound was located, or give her any answers. I'd like to thank the lovely kate-dammit-run for suggesting what I eventually went with! Thank you, Yas, you were a huge help! *hug*
Anyway, this chapter is all Jane, and has the usual helping of parental abuse that my chapters with Shepherd usually have, so please be warned about that if you're not feeling great right now. And after this, I'll be time jumping a few weeks, to move things right along towards the end. :)
"All right. Let's see if you've still got it, or if the ZIP took away some of your edge."
Shepherd assumed a combat stance that was so familiar to Jane that she couldn't help but smile, half a dozen different memories of sparring with her adopted mother clicking into place at once. "Wow, seeing you ready to fight like this—it just brought back a few memories. Mostly of getting my ass kicked."
Shepherd's face brightened, her smile surprisingly warm and genuine. "Well, you were my student. It took you a few years to win one of our bouts."
"But I did eventually?" Jane noted how similar her own stance was to Shepherd's, remembered sharp reprimands and being drilled in hand-to-hand combat.
Shepherd threw the first punch, initiating their sparring session, and Jane blocked it with ease before retaliating. Neither of them was putting much effort in, more trading blows by habit than trying to one-up each other.
"I was so proud the first time it happened. You were seventeen, and very angry with me that day, if I recall. Before I knew it, I was on my stomach with my arm twisted up behind my back. You were more surprised than I was, I think."
Jane attempted to remember, and got nowhere. "What was I angry about?"
Shepherd snorted. "Honestly, I can't recall. You were a teenager. It was a 'storm in a teacup' kind of argument."
Would you tell me if it had been something serious? Somehow, Jane doubted it.
"Let's step things up a little," Shepherd said, and launched a new attack.
Jane soon found herself unable to wonder about the past, all her concentration focused on fending off blows and finding openings to land her own hits. Shepherd was fast, unpredictable and cunning, her defence difficult to penetrate.
If it came to a true, no-holds-barred fight to the death between them, could Jane win? It would be close.
Despite the energy the fight was making her expend, Jane was gratified to realise she was holding her own, her muscle memory for fighting this particular opponent kicking in where her mental reactions might have been too slow. Soon they were both breathing hard, warily circling each other, until Shepherd gave a small nod and relaxed her stance.
"Good enough."
"Thanks for the workout." Jane meant it, too—it had been good to focus on something immediate, instead of worrying about Kurt and the team, or how to begin reclaiming her place at Shepherd's side before phase two began.
"You're welcome. It's good to see you've retained most of your skills."
The criticism was subtle, but Jane picked up on it immediately. Rolling her shoulder, she said, "I'm not at a hundred percent yet, but I'm getting there. The torture had me pretty deconditioned, but—"
"I don't need excuses, Remi. Just action."
Wow. Thanks for the empathy, Shepherd.
"Noted." Jane reached for her water bottle, then cast a glance over at her mother. "How physical is the work you're gonna have me doing for—" Don't say Sandstorm. Or Aurora. "—the cause? Does our group even have an official name?"
She'd asked the latter question to cover her hesitation, but she hoped Shepherd would see fit to give her the answer. It was the only thing she knew about Sandstorm that she wasn't supposed to have been told, since Roman had slipped up the other day. If Jane got Shepherd to tell her, she wouldn't have to worry about doing the same, potentially bringing consequences down on her brother.
Shepherd hesitated, then relented, stepping closer. "We do. I suppose you'll learn it from someone else, if not me, and now you're out of law enforcement's range, there's no harm in you knowing it. We go by the name 'Aurora'."
Pretending she hadn't already gleaned this information from Roman's slip-up earlier in the month, Jane nodded slowly. "Is that why Roman took me upstate? We're named after Lake Aurora?"
Shepherd nodded, her expression growing weary in a way Jane hadn't seen before. "I grew up there, in one of the lake houses. Back in the sixties, it was an idyllic place. We ate fish from the lake, swam there every day. Me and my whole family—we practically lived in the water in the summer."
Jane didn't have to feign her sympathy or disgust. The chemical leak, and the way the government had accepted bribes from the company responsible, instead of alerting the lake area's residents and making sure there were repercussions, was still one of the most horrifying injustices Jane had encountered. Even after working so many of the corruption cases hinted at in her tattoos, the thought of so many lives ruined forever made her angry. "The chemical leak affected you all?"
She listened, dismay tightening her gut, as Shepherd gave her the full story Roman had hinted at in the car. First her parents, then her brother had succumbed to cancer before Shepherd was old enough to drink.
"When I was seventeen, they removed both of my ovaries." Shepherd tried a smile, but it fell flat. "Two years later, I was alone. I swore then that I'd see the people responsible for my family's tragedy punished for what they'd done. By the time I had the power and connections to start making that happen, I'd adopted you and Roman. If not for you two, I might not have had the will to carry on."
"Shepherd…" Jane didn't know what else to say. Just 'I'm sorry' seemed inadequate. She shook her head and took a sip of water, hoping her expression could convey more than words could.
Shepherd looked away, clearly emotional. "You and Roman always said I saved you from the orphanage. But really, you saved me just as much. We gave each other purpose, helped each other out of the darkness. And then we began to work towards righting the wrongs that had been done to us."
Jane nodded, wishing she didn't feel so conflicted. She knew what Shepherd was planning had to be monstrous—a 'complete reset' of the status quo would surely incur a huge amount of collateral damage—but she couldn't help but feel for the woman who'd raised her, too. No one deserved what Shepherd had been through.
She set down her water bottle on the ground and began to straighten, wondering if Remi had been the hugging type—from the way Roman and Shepherd had greeted her on their first meeting, it seemed they were physically affectionate, but had Remi been just as comfortable with it, enough that Jane initiating a hug wouldn't remind Shepherd that she was different now?
Before she could regain her equilibrium, a brutal impact sent her reeling into the wall. Her jaw aflame, Jane assumed an instinctive combat stance as she righted herself, searching for the threat. "What the—?"
Shepherd gave a disappointed shake of her head, her arms folded. "I see that's one lesson you haven't been able to relearn. Never let your guard down, Remi. Not even amongst those you consider allies."
Jane could only at her, unable to conceal her shock.
Shepherd sighed and turned away. "Pull yourself together. I'll see you in my office in an hour, and we can talk about your new duties."
Biting back the urge to demand whether Shepherd had used violence on pre-teen Remi and Roman, too, Jane watched her mother stalk away. She didn't relax her defensive stance until she was alone, in case Shepherd turned around and launched a new attack.
She calls herself a mother? What the hell kind of lesson is that—that you can't even trust the people you're supposed to love the most?
"She got you good, huh?"
Jane looked up, startled, to find Roman giving her a rueful smile from the opposite doorway. She rubbed her aching jaw as he approached.
"I thought we were done fighting. Apparently not." Still in a state of fight or flight, her heart pounding, Jane looked from her brother to the door Shepherd had headed through.
"It's a lesson she loved to drum into us every chance she got when we were kids. Letting your guard down, trusting that you know how something is going to end, leaves you open to unexpected attacks." He gave a humourless smile. "She made us do it to each other, too. We decided we'd only ever do it when Shepherd was around, so at least we could relax around each other the rest of the time."
Jane tried not to look as appalled as she felt at the twisted logic in Shepherd's argument. "Expect attacks even from your parents, huh? Harsh lesson to learn."
Roman shrugged, gesturing for her to follow him. "Let's get you some ice for that."
"You sure I'm allowed ice?" Jane asked sarcastically, heading out of the gym after him. "I'm not supposed to just bear the pain, because needing first aid is a sign of weakness?"
Her brother snickered, but said nothing else until Jane was pressing an ice pack against her swelling jaw. Then he sat on the huge chest freezer in the corner of the garage, sighing.
"I already know you're not gonna like your new place within Aurora. Shepherd is still a little sore about the way you challenged her in front of our people, after Cade escaped. She wants you to fall in line for a while, and she'll only get worse if you don't. You used to remember how far you could push her without consequences. Now you don't. Just…be patient until she comes around, okay?"
Jane scowled at him. "Why don't you just tell me what's happening, instead of hinting at things and telling me how to handle them? I already survived three months of torture without telling the CIA what I knew, and now I'm not at risk of blowing my cover with the FBI. Don't I deserve to know why I went through all this?"
"Just be as patient as you can, Remi. She'll come around, but it's gonna take time." Roman gave her a stare that seemed almost like a warning, which once more made her sense that some kind of breakthrough was on the way with him.
Just hurry up and break already, so I can take whatever you want to tell me back to the team. If you really are having second thoughts, like Borden said, then trust me. Help me stop it.
She shook her head, reminding herself to be patient with Roman, not just Shepherd. This mission might take weeks, or months. Rushing things on her first full day there was a recipe for disaster.
"I'm gonna go shower and get ready for…whatever Shepherd has planned. Thanks for the ice, and the pep talk." She gave Roman a quick smile, suppressing a wince at the pain the expression brought, and headed for the stairs.
An hour later, she tapped on the door to Shepherd's office, the ice pack abandoned and the swelling in her jaw minimised as much as possible. She was beginning to bruise, and she got the impression Shepherd had hit her face on purpose, so that anyone looking at her would know 'Remi' had been bested by her mother—but it could have been worse.
Funny how torture in a black site shifts your perception of everything else into 'not so bad'. Even parental abuse.
Shepherd and Roman were already there, and he straightened up from looking at some kind of plans on her desk, which Shepherd then folded away. Jane tried not to look too curious, though she figured Remi would have been just as desperate to see what Shepherd was hiding, in her position.
"You have your orders, Roman. Move out." Shepherd stood up and came around from behind her desk. "Remi, with me."
Roman gave Jane a quick glance behind Shepherd's back, all silent caution, then said, "Catch you later."
"Where are you headed?" Jane asked casually.
"Not far." He gave her that I know you're fishing for information look again, not without amusement. "I'll be back tonight."
"Watch your back," she told him, unable to help but be worried.
"Always do."
"If you're finished fussing over your brother, Remi, maybe we can get to work?" Shepherd asked, her voice pointed.
Murmuring an apology, Jane followed Shepherd into a room near the back of the main house.
"Here we are. Welcome to your office," Shepherd said.
Jane uncertainly surveyed the room, with its piles of cardboard boxes and sparse items of furniture. Aside from a basic desk, desk-lamp and chair, there was only a simple shoulder-high bookshelf in the room, upon which was a half-dead potted ivy plant. The rest was all boxes.
"Do you mind if I move the boxes somewhere else?" she asked, as a starting point to gain more information.
"That would be a little pointless." Shepherd gave her a direct stare. "I'll cut to the chase. I already know you're going to hate this assignment, but your lack of memories makes me uneasy about your dedication to the cause these days."
Jane didn't bother to hide her irritation, but kept quiet, waiting for Shepherd to reveal what the assignment entailed.
"These boxes contain all the evidence of governmental corruption we have. Bluntly put, it's the paper equivalent of your tattoos—before assigning each tattoo a spot on your body, we needed to make sure the FBI would solve certain cases by certain dates, and some of the paperwork shows how we worked out how to ensure that happened. We also needed sufficient proof that the corruption was ongoing and severe enough to have a place on your body. If we'd put every tiny thing we knew about on your skin, we'd have run out of space in no time."
"Okay," Jane said, beginning to suspect just how tedious this was going to be. "So…"
"So, before we execute phase two, I'd like you to sort through these boxes and do your best to sort the paperwork by tattoo. Maybe one day, we can send it all to the new government as a historical record of how we put things in place. It could end up in its own museum."
Jane stared at her, half convinced Shepherd was pulling some kind of prank on her. No one could be that narcissistic…could they? "You pulled me out of the FBI to sort paperwork? Shepherd—"
"No, I pulled you out of the FBI before you could make a stupid mistake and get attached to Weller. The paperwork is so you'll remember just how bad things in this country are. We need to refresh your memory."
Jane scowled, unable to help herself, despite Roman's warning. "I could be with Weller's team, helping to stop this corruption, not just filing paperwork about it! I've been helping to solve these cases since the very first one, a couple of days after I was found. I know the awful things the government and military are doing, and I remembered the helicopter crash that almost killed me in Afghanistan. Add that to what happened to you and your family at Lake Aurora, and I don't need any more justification to fight!"
"I hope so, Remi. I really do. But the fact remains that you've lost some of your passion for the cause, and I need to make sure you're completely with us before I read you in."
Jane stared at the boxes upon boxes of paperwork, and swallowed a growl of frustration. "This is a punishment, right? For not remembering enough of the old Remi to act exactly like her? I'm trying my hardest, Shepherd. I've been trying to put together scraps of my old life. I came back here hoping to remember it all, by doing what I used to do while I lived here before, but now you want me to stay in the dark, reliving the details of tattoos I already worked on as Jane? Please, don't make me do this."
"The old Remi followed my orders," Shepherd said, her voice low and dangerous. "You will, too, or I'll assume you can no longer be trusted. You're confined to the compound unless you have an escort, and I won't be approving an escort until I can trust you. Now get to work."
She strode from the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving Jane to contemplate the mountain of boxes.
Jane sank down into the desk chair, sighing heavily. Wonder what Roman will think of the way I handled that. He'll probably say I pushed too far again. Maybe he'd be right, but if she was going to transition from the way she'd been behaving so far into an obedient soldier, she'd have to make it gradual, to avoid Shepherd becoming suspicious of her motivation.
Today, she'd tried to voice her objection from Remi's perspective, instead of her own, but she hadn't been able to contain her desperation at the thought of being confined to a desk. How was she going to be able to find anything out this way?
How long would she have to endure this mission? Would she be able to earn Shepherd's trust before phase two went ahead, or would Shepherd just drag her along to provide backup as Sandst—Aurora unleashed mayhem on the government?
And if she somehow managed to uncover the truth about phase two, how would she get word to the FBI if she was confined to the compound? Her usual phone was still at Kurt's apartment, and she'd need to be extremely careful that Aurora didn't find evidence of any contact she managed to make, by phone or by internet.
Kurt… Did you figure out why I wanted you to see that page in your yearbook? I hope you can find a lead to Shepherd's identity somehow. Maybe you'll crash in here with a few tactical teams in a few days, and this will all be over.
But probably not, and sitting here missing him would do nothing to make Shepherd less wary of her. Like it or not, it seemed she'd be confined to a desk for the foreseeable future. The sooner she got through these files, the sooner she might be reassigned to doing something more enlightening.