The Original Donkey Kong
A fan fiction by LM Simpson
Disclaimer: Do you really think Shigeru Miyamoto is writing this?
LM Simpson's tidbits (A/N): (Throws toast to reviewers) Before continuing, I think I need to say this: since I've only played the Animal Crossing import of Donkey Kong, some parts of this chapter may violate the canon for that video game. Therefore, do not give me flames for that error; I came up with this story ages ago when I learned Cranky could be the original DK, and I'm finally typing it up and putting it on the web. I would also like to thank SergeantKlump for helping make this decision. (Throws toast)
And without further ado, here's the latest chapter!
Enjoy!
Chapter Three: The Tale
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"Before the Kremlings," Cranky began his story, "there was Jumpman. He and his lady had flown to this island for a vacation, you see! Being the curious young lad I was at the time, I followed them. As you may know, humans rarely come this way, so this was amazing to all of us.
"Humans are very interesting characters. They're less hairier than us, don't have a tail—"
"But Cranky, you don't have a tail either." Diddy pointed out.
"I meant they don't have a tail of any kind!" explained Cranky. "Now shut your trap so I can tell my story!
"Ahem—Now humans, they have less hair, no tails, and believe that they are so important that they have control over every single thing.
"Jumpman's appearance bored me to some extent, but the girl with him… beautiful! She was such a looker, even for a human. And I thought Wrinkly was beautiful!"
Diddy immediately started guffawing. Tears started to roll down his face as he yelled, "WRINKLY! BEAUTIFUL! HA HA HA!"
WHACK! Cranky hit him in the head with his cane. "Quit it! Wrinkly did look pretty years and years ago. Otherwise, I wouldn't have even looked at her!
"And speaking of women… Being the alpha male at the time, I decided to try to woo her. So I jumped right in front of them and began to beat my chest and hoot.
"She screamed. I knew they didn't want to be with me, so I decided to play games with them. I grabbed the girl, threw her over my shoulders, and ran to the factories in Big Ape City to see whether Jumpman would follow me."
"Did he follow you?"
"Of course he did! He was furious! Wouldn't you try to save Dixie is she was kidnapped?"
"Yes…"
"Now you understand! Jumpman was so determined to save her that he chased me to the top of the first floor. I threw barrels to slow him down, but he didn't. He even avoided those fireballs that sometimes come out of the oil barrels.
"And so, I climbed up to the next floor with the lady over my shoulders. The next floor, you see, had this conveyor belt. Like the first floor, I was on the top of the second floor. As much as I hoped he would get behind and I would win, he still—"
"He still caught up with you and you climbed up the next floor." Diddy interrupted again.
"Don't interrupt!" Cranky yelled. "There's a lot more to this story that what I've said! Now shut up and let me continue!
"Well, the lady and I were on this little platform hanging at the very top of the floor. I thought I would win for a second, but Jumpman managed to disconnect all of the rivets on all of the girders I was on top of. Then, before I could grab on a loose vine at the very top, I fell all the way to the floor and lost consciousness.
"When I woke up, I was in a cage in the jungle. That man had captured me and taken me prisoner! If I was quicker, I would've got away in time earlier!"
"How did you get out then?"
"Uh… I think Rambi or another one of the animals saw Jumpman capture me and told Wrinkly and my son the news since he ran out of the treehouse in his little white jumpsuit and ran away to save me. It's a good thing he avoided those snapjaw things and birds, because otherwise, you wouldn't have otherwise knew him!"
"I know him?"
"Of course you do!"
"Really? Is he my friend?"
"More so."
"I know! It's Funky!"
Cranky exploded. "No, it's Donkey Kong, Junior—DK! I'm not called Donkey Kong anymore for a reason! Otherwise, some idiot may consider me one of those remake characters!"
"Oh… Are you done yet, Cranky?"
"Do you want to hear a story about me breaking into some guy's greenhouse and stirring up trouble?"
"No…"
"Too bad! You need to know about how sequels were like back then! This one had this other human named Stanley that kept shooting bug spray at some bees and up my behind until I went up and out of the stupid place. Blah-de-blah, the end! Now that wasn't that bad, was it?"
Diddy shrugged. "It was cool, but kinda boring too."
"Cool but boring! What a dope I was trying to teach you a little of your background! Get out of here and start writing that assignment!"
Diddy ran out of Cranky's Cabin as far as he could without saying goodbye to the senile old ape. He didn't stop until he got home, where he jumped into a rope hammock and immediately fell asleep out of fatigue.
End of Chapter Three
A/N: Sadly, the next chapter will be the final chapter. I should get it released here as early as tomorrow (I have it on paper, but not completely typed up yet). Still, until next time, have a good day!
Ja Ne!
LM Simpson