AN: Warning. I am not responsible for crying fits brought about from reading this chapter. Lol. Just kidding. But this chapter is sad and tragic, so prepare yourselves.

July 18, 1988

The past two months have flown by. Despite how short the time has felt, so much has happened. I can now say that I'm not only two months along, but I'm also proud to be two months clean. The withdrawal is a thing of the past.

Emily has been incredible! The day after I found out I was pregnant, she came back from the public library, her arms loaded with every book on pregnancy they had, talking about how she maxed out her library card. And yesterday, I discovered that she had talked the children into helping out with a special surprise. When I woke up, I came downstairs to see that every one of them had made gifts for me, such as a clay pacifier holder in the shape of a butterfly, or a baby quilt made out of different fabric squares the children had taken from the scrap bin at a local fabric store. What's more, little Penny has been showering me with questions, asking me what carrying a baby felt like, and if I'm going to bring Musetta around to play with her everyday.

Yes, that's right. Even though it's too soon to tell if my baby is a boy or girl, Emily and I have a mutual agreement to just call it Musetta, as it's more pleasant then just calling it 'the baby' all the time.

With all the attentive attention I've been getting, I can almost forget that I have HIV. Almost.

Flashback

April woke upon hearing the familiar honking of passing cars. Even from the rollaway bed, she could see that it was going to be a beautiful day. Glancing over, she had to laugh at the sight of Emily, still asleep in the iron cast bed. She was sprawled out with her arms propped up in the air, similar to the way a dog or cat would hold their paws when sleeping on their back.

"Hey, Emily," April giggled, poking her side lightly.

"Mmmm. Rupert, Jerry, quit it." Hearing Emily immediately blaming the two affable troublemakers of the Center made April laugh even louder. The laughter pulled Emily completely out of her state of sleep.

"Why do you immediately blame those two?"

"It saves time."

"Well, hurry and get up! I want some of your special Mickey Mouse pancakes!" April trilled. Emily grinned at April's perkiness.

"You're cheerful this morning."

"Today's my ultrasound, remember? Musetta's an embryo now!"

"You know," Emily laughed. "You really should consider a backup name, just in case that little bowling ball inside you is a boy."

"If it is a boy, I'm just going to have to figure out how to make Musetta a unisex name. I've gotten too used to using that name."

"Oh, boy. This perkiness of yours. I'm going to miss it when your mood swings kick in." April smacked Emily's arm playfully in response, a wide grin on her face.

Hours later, Emily and April were standing by the counter of a local restaurant in Chinatown to pick up the Center's lunch order. April kept taking the black and white ultrasound photo out of the manila folder to just look at it. That was her child. Hers and Roger's. Smiling to herself, she put the photo away, and returned her attention to Emily, who was reading a pamphlet Dr. Jordan had given them to her.

"You may find your vaginal area to be extra sensitive and slightly swollen from the extra blood. You will also notice an increased vaginal discharge that helps keep the vaginal canal clean and infection free," Emily rattled off the information written on the pamphlet.

"Miss Goodhall!" The maitre d' called out at that moment. "Your food's up!"

"Oh, thanks, Mr. Yao. Is that everything Nana ordered?" As Emily and Mr. Yao double checked the contents of the lunch order, April glanced out at the other patrons. Suddenly, she froze as her eyesight fell on one patron, a bald African American man, one whom she recognized instantly.

Of all the Chinese restaurants in lower Manhattan, Nana and Emily had chosen the one Benny was in!

As if he sensed someone was looking, Benny started to look over in her direction. With less then a second to spare, April ducked down behind the wall divider, hoping he didn't get a glimpse of her.

"Hey, April!" Emily, who had finished checking the lunch order, spoke up as she started turning around. "Can you help me carry…?" Emily trailed off upon noticing that April was crouching down. "What's with you?"

"It's Benny!" April whispered.

"Benny?" Emily momentarily was confused to what she was talking about. "Oh!" Emily, finally remembering April's stories, began to look. "You mean your boyfriend's rooOO…" April, in a panic, grabbed Emily by the Yankee's jersey and pulled her down to the ground.

"What are you doing?" April hissed. "He'll see you!" Without any other warning, April quickly ducked out of the restaurant. Emily blinked in confusion, before getting back up. Once she was upright, however, she found Benny, who had obviously came over to see what was going on, was standing in front of her.

"Was it…" Benny looked around in puzzlement. "Wasn't someone else with you?" Emily cast a hesitant glance to the door April had just ran out of before replying.

"No," Emily lied. "Just me." Without another word, Emily hurried out.

Back at the Center, Emily dropped the bags of food on the counter in front of Nana.

"Did April come back here, Nana?"

"Yes. She arrived a few minutes before you did. She's in the upstairs room. Why?"

"Later," Emily announced, marching off to her room. Entering, she instantly saw April by the window. "Hey!" Emily scolded. "How about a little warning before you decide to run off again?"

"I came back here," April replied simply.

"That's not the point! Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"You were worried?"

"Yes, I was worried! You just ran off. I don't know where you went, when you're coming back, if you're coming back, you just disappear."

"I'm sorry," April whispered. "I just couldn't let Benny see me."

"Why not? He's Roger's roommate, isn't he?"

"Exactly! If Benny saw me, he'd tell Roger!"

"And that's a problem, how?"

"Emily," April moaned. "I'm supposed to be visiting my folks. What would Roger think if his friend told him I was still in New York? The first one who'd have a right to know I was still here would be Roger."

"So? Go see him."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Emily, don't you get it? I've been away for two months, and Roger thinks I'm in Michigan. What's he going to do if I go back and tell him that I'm pregnant? I'm two months along, and I don't tell him until now!"

"Oh. Is that what this is about? You're worried he'll be mad you hadn't told him right off the back."

"And I couldn't do that then. I was still upset about the possibility that I gave him AIDS!" April buried her face in her hands, collapsing onto the armchair. "What am I going to do, Emily?" Emily paused before kneeling down, so her face was level with April's.

"Listen. I don't claim to be an expert on boyfriend behavior, I'm not. But, I think you should tell him, regardless of how long it's been. He is the father, after all. He has a right to know. And you know what they say, better late then never."

"But what if he's angry I kept this from him for this long?"

"Well, if Roger is as sweet and loving as you keep making him out to be, then he'll understand. Tell you what. You go see him tomorrow, and I promise I'll go with you, so we can tell him together."

"Really?"

"Hey, I'm your friend, aren't I? Friends are always there for each other, right?" April smiled widely.

"Thanks, Emily. How about we go eat?" April patted her still-flat belly. "We're both up for some lunch."

"Right. Come on." However, as April started to get up, she suddenly bent over, clutching her abdomen, crying out in pain. "April! Are you okay?"

"I… I don't know!" April managed to say before letting out a second cry of pain.

"NANA!" Emily screamed down the stairs. "CALL AN AMBULANCE! QUICK!"

A short time later, April had been admitted to the maternity ward at the hospital. Emily stood by April's bed, both of them waiting nervously. Nana had remained at the Center to watch the children, but Emily had promised to tell her what happened the moment she got back.

"What's taking them so long?" Emily finally broke the silence.

"Emily, what if…" April choked.

"Don't think that way. We don't know anything yet," Emily replied gently. "Try not to get too wound up, okay? Remember, it's not good for Musetta. The kid's entering the critical stages of development, now." The two girls were silent for a moment.

"Emily," April began. "When Musetta's born, you better come and visit her everyday."

"Count on it. Hey, I might even help provide pictures for your little baby books." The playful banter continued, and April was grateful for Emily's presence. She'd be worried sick if Emily hadn't been there to help ease the tension. At that moment, Dr. Jordan walked in. Emily and April's smiles instantly vanished, instantly noticing the somber way he was walking.

Nana looked up the second she heard the door open, just in time to see April race by, heading straight up to the upstairs room.

"April, what…?" Nana began to go after her, but Emily stopped the old woman.

"Nana," Emily shook her head. "Give her space. That's all we can do, now. Give her time."

"Emily?" Nana whispered, noticing the beginnings of tears in the corners of Emily's eyes. "What happened? What's wrong?" Emily took a whole minute to work up the strength to answer. When she finally did, her voice was cracked and rough from suppressed tears.

"Miscarriage."

End Flashback

I can't take it! It's bad enough I killed Roger, but I killed our child as well! It's my fault! If I hadn't dropped the heroin cold turkey, I wouldn't have miscarried. I heard what Dr. Jordan said. Going cold turkey on drugs increases the chances that your baby would be harmed. And he was right!

I killed Roger, and I killed Musetta! How long before I kill someone else? The next person I kill could be Emily, or one of those children! I can't let that happen. This… this is the only way. Two cuts, that's all it will take. One for Roger, the other for Musetta.

I'm sorry Roger. I brought you to where you are now. You gave me everything, and I repaid you by placing a death sentence on you. You did nothing to deserve this. But I do. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. I know you'll probably hate me when you find me tomorrow. That's okay. I deserve that. It's my fault, all of it. But you need to understand one thing. It's not about you. I'm going to do this because I was the one who was wrong, in so many ways. Keep writing songs. And make sure Mark keeps filming. I know the two of you will make it big someday, even though I won't be around to see it. I love you, Roger.

Musetta, I'm sorry to you, too. Because of me, you won't even experience life, even if it's only for a little while. It's my fault you died before you were even born. The only consolation I can give is that I'm going to be with you soon. Believe me, even though I only had you for a short time, I did love you, regardless.

And finally, Emily. I'm sorry I couldn't make it. You worked so hard to help me get my life in order, and to prepare for being a mother. You actually got me excited about the concept. But most of all, I want to thank you for all you've done this past month. You've made my last few months as bright as you could. I never would have hung on this long if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry I never got around to introducing you to Roger, and to Collins, Maureen, Benny and Mark. I know you would have liked them. Although, if I had, we probably wouldn't have seen you and Mark again, since the two of you would probably be off every second, filming and taking pictures in the park together. And I truly hope you manage to adopt Penny one day. You deserve it.

By the time anyone gets around to reading this, I will most likely be with Musetta again. But I don't want anyone blaming themselves. If anyone deserves blame, it is me.

That was the last entry April had ever written. Instead, there was a note tucked into the page, right next to the final entry. Sighing heavily, Roger unfolded the note to see it was in Emily's handwriting.

Roger,

If you're reading this, that must mean you read April's journal. And that means you know everything about April, and her time at the Center, and the child you lost. I hope you realize now why I kept all this from you. Let's face it, you're not exactly the best at handling pain. I had already been told how you reacted when she died. I thought it was best that you didn't know about everything else, too. I'm sorry for not telling you all of this sooner. Bear in mind, I'm not asking to be forgiven. I don't deserve it. I was the one who didn't let anyone go up to comfort her, in an attempt to let her mourn in private. If only I'd known how foolish that was, because I did learn that, the very next day. But by then, it was too late.

Roger, on that morning that it happened, when I found out that she had left the Center before anyone else had woken up, I had immediately made my way over to your place. I had found the address written in this notebook. I was under the assumption that she had simply gone back to talk things over with you. And if she wasn't there, I figured that you or one of her friends would at least have some idea where she'd be. But when I came up the street, and saw you in the doorway, screaming in anguish, with the people I now know as Mark and Collins holding you back, and her being taken out into the back of that ambulance…. I knew then what she must have done. What I'd done.

There were small blotches staining Emily's letter at this point. A sick feeling hit Roger's gut when he realized that they were tearstains. Biting his lip to force back tears of his own, he read on.

I could write 'I'm sorry' a million times, and it still wouldn't be enough. I know now that I should have explained all this to you, right after we met. But I thought you were better off not knowing. I know now I should have gone upstairs to offer April some comfort, when she was clearly distraught after loosing the baby. But I thought she just needed time alone to think and mourn. Believe me, I know there's nothing I can say or do to fix the damage I've caused. I said before that I'm not asking to be forgiven, and I'm not. I just wanted you to know that I thought I was doing the right thing.

"In Mom's defense," Penny announced, once Roger had finished reading, "she did go over once, to tell you all this. I know. I was there."

"When was this?" Mark asked.

"It was about two days after her funeral."

Flashback

Penny watched as Emily nervously fidgeted outside the sliding metal door. Emily had picked the lock in the door to get into the building and they had climbed up the stairs without hesitation. But now, Emily was stalling.

"Okay," Emily sighed, as she started to rehearse. "I'm here to talk about your friend, April. No, that's no good. She just died. That sounds so insensitive. Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I really think there's something we've got to talk about. Oh, how am I going do this?" Emily glanced up to the ceiling. "Zack, I know you're there listening. Help me out here, okay Big Brother?" Emily took a deep breath, and raised a hand to knock at the door. Suddenly, a loud commotion was heard on the other side.

"Roger, stop!" a voice shouted. "Collins, quick!"

"Fu-k, Collins, let go!"

"No way, man. You ain't going out there for that sh-t. You swore you were going to quit, remember?"

"I need it, you hear me? Now get the fu-k off!" From outside the door, Emily listened wide-eyed as the sounds of a violent scuffle echoed through the door, accompanied by more screams and swearing. Seconds later, a man could be heard crying and whimpering for April. That was all Emily could take. Without looking back, she took Penny's hand and hurried out of the building. Once they were on the street, Emily clutched a street lamp for support and started to break down.

"Emmy?" Penny looked up at her in confusion.

"I can't," Emily choked. "I can't tell him. Not when he's in that state. Zack, Big Brother, I know you're there. What am I supposed to do, here? Please, Brother. Help me. I don't know what else to do."

End Flashback

"I'll never forget that day," Penny concluded. "Because that was the first time I ever saw Mom cry."

AN: Told you that chapter was sad, didn't I? Next chapter will be up soon. Reviews may speed up the process (hint-hint). Until next time...