Author's Note: All right, my first try at a real ER fic, instead of a one-shot. This takes place sometime after the end of season 12 (mostly because it was written before season 13 began). Basically, it's just my idea about how Ray and Neela might pull the pieces together. No Gates and no triangle. Don't like him, don't like it. Lemme have my roomies already! Uh… right. On with the show then!
Disclaimer: Pretty much don't own anything at all, especially not ER or any characters mentioned.

Three Steps Backwards
by, Caliente

Chapter 1: The End

It took three tries before he could force himself to knock on her door. He would've kept pacing longer, but with every second that passed he became more and more afraid that she would simply open the door and find him standing there in this sorry state like some kind of creepy stalker. No, it was now or never. Taken long enough to get here, damn it—he was going to see this one through. He had to.

"Hang on a minute!" He heard her accented voice float through the door, a mixture of exhaustion and clipped annoyance. It was a tone he'd heard many times before, most often aimed at him. Not the mood he'd been hoping to find her in tonight, though. "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm—" The door swung open and her voice stopped cold for a long moment. "Ray?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, Ray Barnett smiled weakly. How could someone so short put so much fear in him? "Hey, Neela," he greeted with a shrug. "I, uh… must've forgotten where I lived."

Neela rolled her eyes. "Ha-ha." She moved away from the door and gestured for him to come in before turning her back to him and pushing her way through Abby's apartment. "I don't know why you're here, but I was just eating a bowl of cereal. Sans milk, since I once again forgot it at the store. Honestly, I don't know what made me think I…" she trailed off when she caught sight of Ray's face again. "Ray? Are you even listening?"

Turning to blink at her, Ray tried to force his smile to return. It was mostly a vain attempt. "Huh?" he responded intelligibly. "I mean… yeah." He gauged her for a response, hoping it'd been the right one.

The look on her face told him it wasn't. "Ray, what's wrong with you?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "And what are you doing here, anyway? I haven't seen you going on a week now," the joys of opposite shifts, "and I'm sure we've been dancing around each other for much longer."

"You didn't return my calls," he bit out before he could stop himself. Fuck. That wasn't… fuck. Ray mentally berated himself for his own stupidity.

If it were possible, Neela's face tightened even further. "You're right," she said finally, allowing it to relax ever so slightly. "And I'm sorry for that. I was—I just needed some time." She shook her head lightly before looking up at him again. "But, Ray, is everything all right with you?"

Ray started to open his mouth to say yes, then he shut it again. He looked at her for a long moment, the weight of what he'd come there to do dragging his stomach to his shoes. "I… no. No, Neela, it's not."

"Well, what is it, then?" she asked, her patience obviously wearing thin as her arms crossed in a decidedly defensive manner. Yep, this was going swell. "Ray," she snapped her fingers in his face, a worried expression betraying her tone, "what's going on?"

Steeling himself, he took a careful breath. "Neela, I… I have three things to tell you." Ray paused long enough to silently berate himself again before continuing. "Firstly, I'm sorry for…" He shook his head lightly. There were too many things. Too many moments lost. Too many words unsaid. Too much history. "I'm just sorry."

"Ray—"

Shaking his head with more strength, Ray silenced her with a look. "Secondly, I'm putting my two weeks in at County at the end of this week. My old college roommate just moved to Miami and offered me a couch to sleep on, so I'm packing it in." He couldn't stay anymore. He just… couldn't.

Neela blinked at him, an unreadable expression on her face. "Miami," she repeated quietly, shaking her head with disbelief. "Oh, Ray…"

"Thirdly… I—I wanted you to know I meant what I said to you. The day you left. I…" Ray lifted his hand as if to move a strand of hair from her face, but remembered himself and let it go limp again. "You're the best friend I've ever had. Really." Neela moved to respond but he cut her off again. "I know you already know what I'm about to tell you. I couldn't say it then but I… I couldn't leave without…" He met her gaze and that was it. He was done. "Neela, I—I love you."

There was a very long moment of silence between them, eyes locked in a silent battle. "You love me," she repeated finally. It wasn't exactly a statement, but it wasn't a question either. It just sort of… was. "You—Ray…" Without warning, she socked him in the shoulder. "You love me? That's what you came here to tell me!" Short as she was, she packed a pretty mean whack. Which she proceeded to demonstrate on Ray repeatedly.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Ray cried, grabbing her arms to stop her from her assault. "Look, I—I know that's why you moved out. And I'm sorry." She gave him a look and he stared back defiantly. "I mean it, I am. And if I could change how I feel, I would, okay? But I can't."

"And that's why you're leaving," she finished, jerking her arms from his grasp and crossing them again. "You know, Ray, I know you're a lot of things—a lot of not very good things—but I never figured you for a coward."

Ray's mouth opened and shut a few times as he spluttered. "A—you—but—" Taking a deep breath, he composed himself just enough to form a coherent sentence. "I'm a coward!" His eyes flashed with hurt and anger. "What the fuck was I supposed to do, Neela? You were married!" Fuck. He closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

For her part, Neela seemed pretty shell-shocked over the whole thing. That didn't stop her from slapping him. Twice. The third time, he caught her arm and she struggled for a moment before letting out a noise of annoyance. "You have no right to say that to me, Ray," she bit out, voice quivering with rage. "None. Michael—"

"Left you," he cut in with equal venom. "He left you and we… we played house while he was gone." She looked rather put off by that comment, and he gave her a look that told her he didn't mean it that way. "I tried to ignore it. I tried not to care. I tried but…"

Neela sighed in a defeated sort of way. "Yeah." It was as much an agreement as it was an admission, but he refused to acknowledge that.

Fuck, it wasn't right. She was a widow now and he… he was just a heartsick loser who somehow managed to fuck up the best thing in his life without even realizing it. "Yeah."

They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity. His hand wrapped around her wrist was the only thing reminding him that this was real. Finally, Neela cleared her throat. "I think you should be going now. Good luck in Miami."

Dropping her arm in surprise, Ray looked at her. "So, that's it?" He shook his head with disbelief. "That… that can't be it."

Eyes narrowing, Neela crossed her arms for the umpteenth time. Defensive. She was always so defensive. Why wouldn't she just open up to him? "Well, it bloody well is," she snapped bitterly. "So deal with it."

"No." It was out his mouth before he even thought about it. Ray crossed his arms back at her, a serious frown on his face.

"No?" she questioned, eyebrows furrowing as she stared up at him in a mixture of confusion and contempt. "Why the hell not? I mean, what is it that you thought was going to happen here, Ray?" Her voice was shriller than normal, a sure sign that she was loosing what little cool she had managed to maintain.

"I don't know," was all he offered. All he could offer. Not that it made much of a difference—Ray doubted that she heard him at all.

"Did you think this would change anything between us? Somehow make things better?" He didn't answer. He didn't have one. "Well—did you?" There were tears forming in her eyes and she beat her fists against his chest. "Answer me, damn it!"

"No," he repeated quietly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. She didn't put up much of a struggle this time. "I know it won't make things better. I just… I…" He used one hand to lift her chin and gave her a soft, lingering kiss on the lips. "I'm sorry." He backed away slowly, shoulders hunched.

Her fingers touching her lips lightly as she watched him go, dropping them quickly when he turned at the doorframe. She opened her mouth to call after him but the words wouldn't come out. The words to tell him it was okay. That even though she'd loved and married Michael, she was in love with him. That it wasn't his fault for ruining them—it was hers. She wanted to say a lot of things. But no words came out. And she found herself unable to do anything except watch him walk away.

It was a long time before Neela moved or even made a sound. "Huh, so that's how it feels," she murmured to the empty room, touching her lips one last time. Then she turned away from the door and collapsed onto the couch, a mess of limbs and tears.

Outside, Ray punched a wall. Several times. Bloodied his knuckles, praying with each punch that he would feel. Feel something. Anything. Just like he had tried with all those girls that weren't Neela. Hadn't worked then, and it wasn't working now. "Fuck," he grunted, giving up finally and putting pressure on his wounds. Shaking his head, he pulled his collar up and headed for the nearest bar. Nothing left here but a broken heart and an even more broken friendship.

It was over.

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