Chapter One

It was raining. Yuki stared blankly out his window, for once fully awake and aware of his surroundings so early in the morning. With the exception of the pelting rain the house was unusually quiet. He strained his ears to hear Tohru bustling in the kitchen and Shigure's dubious comments... He strained still further to hear Kyo's predictable temperament. Silence. After a few minutes that passed like hours he got out of bed.

He was the first one to the kitchen--- a first in years. It was dark, eerie even with the minimal gray light that filtered through the windows. The muffled sound of the rain only helped to set the dismal mood. He put the kettle on absentmindedly and thought, about what he wasn't quite sure. Every time a coherent thought crossed his mind it was immediately replaced by another one. He didn't know what to think. He knew Kyo was reckless, but to go so far as...

Yuki forced the one thought that stuck away. He couldn't bring himself to believe it. He didn't want to believe it.

"Yuki?"

Surprised, Yuki turned to find Shigure standing rigidly in the doorway. His face wore no expression and his lips were pressed in a fine line. At a mere glance the older man was unrecognizable, but then again the entire household somehow seemed foreign with the orange-haired boy's departure.

"I'm surprised to see you up this early," Shigure said casually. "Must be the first time in years." Shigure strained a smile, the attempted cheer unwelcome by the younger man.

"Don't," Yuki said quietly, but sternly. He knew Shigure's actions and comments were hollow; the man would be better off walking around miserable like the rest of them instead of pretending nothing was wrong. At once Shigure's face faltered. The older man sighed and entered the kitchen, grabbing two cups and placing them on the counter. Without prompting Yuki poured the tea and the two stood there in a mutual silence. Yuki found his eyes wandering to the ceiling after a moment, acutely aware of Tohru's absence. He didn't dare disturb her though; he didn't know what comfort he'd be able to give her being at such a loss himself.

"We have to get going soon," Shigure said quietly, sipping his tea every now and then. The young man nodded, but didn't move. Neither did Shigure. The two continued to drink their tea in silence listening to the ticking of the clock. It seemed as if it were counting down the minutes until they would have to face the absolute confirmation that Kyo Sohma was indeed, dead.

"I'll go wa..." Yuki trailed off as the ceiling creaked, suggesting some movement was taking place upstairs.

"Seems like she's up," Shigure murmured, also eying the ceiling. Yuki nodded somewhat glad. He hadn't exactly warmed up to the idea of having to wake her for such an occasion.

The doorbell rang and Shigure excused himself to answer it. From the kitchen Yuki could hear snippets of murmured monotone conversation. He assumed Hatori had arrived. After awhile Shigure returned with the said man in tow. The boy found himself looking for a flash of long, silky silver hair and an array of color only to find the doorway empty. He felt his chest constrict slightly. His brother was nowhere to be found. Yuki didn't know if he was relieved or, if only a little, disappointed in his absence. He felt Hatori's eyes on him.

"I thought it would be best if he stayed in the car," the older man replied to the unspoken question. Yuki nodded before focusing his attention to the footsteps he heard on the stairs.

There was tension and strains of apprehension in the air as they waited for Tohru to emerge. After some time she did. Yuki's eyes widened in horror at her ghostly appearance. She seemed so lithe and frail that a mild wind would knock her off her feet. Shigure said nothing. He simply nodded to her, trying but failing to quirk a smile. Tohru's swollen eyes were downcast and though she cleverly tried to disguise them by leaving her limp brown hair down the effort was ill-wasted. Her energetic spark had gone out. Yuki gripped the counter behind him for support because in that instant his heart shattered. The Tohru he loved was gone.

Somewhat awkwardly Shigure said, "We should get going," and just as awkwardly led the way out of the kitchen. Yuki lingered behind, watching as Hatori gently lead Tohru out, a look of concern on his face. He glanced at Yuki with compassion before exiting, the somber girl in tow. Yuki felt a lump forming in his throat and closed his eyes.

"Tohru..." he squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the counter. He bit his lip, forcing himself to swallow his emotions. After a moment he felt the lethargic and apathetic feelings of composure. He straightened, taking a deep breath, and finally made his way out of the house.

Yuki opened the car door and sat beside Tohru. She was wringing her hands with her head bowed slightly. Next to her Shigure was quietly blathering to Hatori in the driver's seat, who every now and then nodded or shook his head in correspondence. Yuki turned his eyes to the man in the passenger's seat and did a double take. His brother was pensively staring out the side window with a frown, his chin resting in his hand. His long silver tresses were pulled back into an eloquent braid and he wore a fine black suit. Ayame hadn't so much as acknowledged Yuki's presence and again the boy didn't know whether he was thankful or resentful towards his indifference. They drove in silence with the exception of Shigure's murmurings every now and then. Tohru cried silently and everyone tried to turn a blind eye to it, uncomfortable and uncertain on how to deal with the surge of emotion. Yuki more or less took up his brother's stance. He looked out his window at the wet foliage and tried very hard to ignore the sounds of his already broken heart cracking. Not too long after their departure they arrived at Kazuma's.

"Bit of an odd ceremony, isn't it?" Shigure commented to Hatori as he stepped out of the car.

Hatori shrugged somewhat stiffly before replying, "Kazuma felt that something plain and simple would suit Kyo best." He paused briefly before adding, "And I agree."

Yuki had only been to one other wake in his life and while he didn't recall much from that experience he knew it was quite different from this one. This was much too small for a normal wake; most people went to funeral parlors these days, and, compared to Akira Sohma's wake this appeared quite homely. Yuki smiled in approval. Kazuma, biological or not, had been a good father. Even after death he was still protecting Kyo. With a wake so small only a few could gather so the orange-haired boy would be, for the most part, safe from ridicule. Even now Yuki couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy.

"Let's get this over with, shall we?" Ayame said impassively. Yuki stared at his brother confounded. Aside from the days when they pretended that neither existed Yuki had never seen him act in such a manner. He had to admit, if only to himself, that it alarmed him. Shigure laid a friendly hand on the silver-haired man's shoulder with an encouraging smile. He then began the short walk up to the house before stepping inside. Frowning, Ayame followed suit with Hatori who beckoned Tohru. He turned and surveyed Yuki who was lingering behind again. The teen waved him off and the older man respected his wishes. Once the doctor was out of sight he leaned against the car as his breathing started to become slightly erratic.

"Not good." He closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down, recalling breathing exercises Kazuma had taught him when he had attended the dojo. There was sweat on his brow but he could feel the techniques taking effect. After a few minutes his breathing became even again, but he couldn't bring himself to go in just yet. He didn't want to cause more drama by breaking into a full-blown attack during the service; Hatori and everyone else were under enough stress as it was. "But that's exactly why you're having these," Yuki quietly pointed out to himself. He was under a great deal of stress. The pressure to maintain the facade of capability was beginning to take its toll on him. But he couldn't break down; Tohru needed him to be strong for the both of them. But if he did... If he did break down, what would he find? This thought alone always kept him from finding out.

Yuki's feet had wandered on their own accord while he had lost himself in thought. He saw that he had rounded the house and come across Kazuma's dojo. He skirted along the edges for awhile, remembering, thinking, battling conflicting emotions... He was so full of reminiscence that it made him dizzy. A sakura tree caught his eye that was slightly out of the way, but peaceful looking. Uncertainly, Yuki glanced back at the house. He knew he should go in, he knew he had to pay his respects to Kazuma, and, most of all, he knew that Tohru needed him to be there. But he couldn't.

"Its just too hard to pretend you're strong when you're really just weak," he muttered to himself. As he walked in self-loathing Yuki failed to notice someone else had already taken advantage of the tree's tranquility.

"Yuki?"

The soft voice startled Yuki out of his reveries and back to reality. A black and white haired boy was lying in the shade looking blearily up at him. "Haru, what are you doing here?" Yuki asked as he approached. Instead of answering, the younger teen merely gazed out at the small meadow before them. "Did you get lost?" Yuki questioned further.

"We used to spar here, you know," the younger boy murmured. "Kyo and I..."

Yuki tensed slightly at his cousin's recollection, but softened a great deal when he noticed tears starting to trickle down his face. Compassionately, and maybe even thankfully Yuki took a seat next to the younger boy.

"I remember one time we snuck out here to hide from Kagura. We were wandering around that brook over there, looking for a good hiding place, but sure enough she found us." Haru smiled slightly as another tear ran down his face, "We both learned to swim that day."

"You miss him, don't you?" Yuki stated more than asked.

"Won't you?" Haru countered, looking up at him with misty gray eyes.

Yuki looked past the meadow to the prestigious looking houses at it's border. When he was little he had stared out of a small window for days on end, watching three children run a muck around a field. He had wished with all his heart that he could be out there with them just as carefree and whimsical as only a child could be. But those days were gone. Now, he would never have a chance.

"I was bred to hate him," Yuki found himself saying, "through many different circumstances... But most were my own creation." A vivid memory of himself shyly trying to return a plain red hat to a young and disdainful looking Kyo arose as he spoke. It was the first time he had met the boy known to be the Cat. Prior to that meeting he had somehow thought that perhaps the two of them were kindred spirits locked in isolation together. But even the Cat, allegedly there so the other zodiac members could feel better about themselves, rejected Yuki because of his position as the Rat. It had always stayed with him as a reminder of his bitterness and resentment for the fiery youth. Now, however, it weighed heavily on his mind as if he were guilty of a crime. "I wonder... if we weren't cursed if we could've..." he trailed off.

"Could've what?" Haru questioned.

"Been friends," Yuki replied sadly.

After a silent, thoughtful moment Haru propped himself on his side. Now facing Yuki he said inquisitively, "A mystery... What was it that really kept you guys from achieving that?"

"Because I'm the Rat," Yuki stated simply.

"Aside from that," Haru persisted.

"No, really, that was the reason," Yuki said sadly. "Its been the reason everyone's used," he added bitterly. Haru cringed at that, quite aware he was once guilty of the charge. "But you saw past that, Haru," Yuki addressed the black and white haired boy after a moment, quirking a small but gratifying smile. "I'm thankful for that."

Haru turned away, mildly embarrassed. "If I could see through that, how come Kyo couldn't?"

"Because he's an idiot."

Haru looked up at Yuki quizzically and found the older teen was smiling fondly. Haru smiled too and laughed, remembering the look on Kyo's face that day Kagura threw the two of them in the brook. The melody was contagious. Yuki laughed, unable to contain it. It was all he could do to keep from crying.

"Yeah," he said smiling. "I am going to miss him." After a few minutes the laughter died away and Yuki asked, "So... were you lost?"

"Mm-mmh," Haru shook his head. "I came with Rin, but... I just couldn't go in. You know how cow's are; we like to graze," he added almost resentfully.

"Haru," Yuki chided. The teen shrugged, suggesting it had only been a joke. "So where is she now?"

"By Teacher's side," he replied. "I think she's more affected by Kyo's death than she's been letting on."

"Really?"

"Yeah... You know she used to live with him and Teacher, right?"

Yuki furrowed his eyebrows. "I think I heard about that... After her parents..."

"Yeah..." Haru's eyes darkened, but he continued on just as calm as before. "She's always been very grateful to Master. And, while it may seem impossible to imagine, her and Kyo got along pretty well."

Yuki found that rather interesting considering how coldly she had always treated him. He didn't think she opened up to anyone aside from Haru. "Pretty well as in how the two of you got along?"

Haru smiled with a slight chuckle. "I can only imagine." They sat in companionable silence as Haru ripped up some grass. After awhile he asked nonchalantly, "So... why are you out here? You came with Tohru didn't you?" Yuki tensed again, his chest constricting painfully at her name. "I see... So she's not doing well, is she?"

"No," Yuki replied curtly. A lump was beginning to form in his throat. "She... She..."

And at last it happened. Yuki couldn't hold back any longer; the dam finally gave way. Still, he tried to keep the tears from falling. He squeezed his eyes, pushed his palms to his face, held his breath, bit his lip... and still they managed to leak out. Haru did not judge him in the least. He sat up and affectionately rubbed Yuki's back up and down. If anything he admired his cousin. While Yuki and Kyo may have never officially attained the title of friends they weren't enemies either. They had hardly even been rivals towards the end of... Haru trailed off in his thoughts as new tears formed in his own eyes.

"Yuki... you don't think Kyo purposely... I mean, it was an accident, right?" Haru asked hopefully. Yuki shook his head though, having finally given up the battle of fighting off his grief.

"No," he whispered gravely. "I don't think it was an accident."

It was something that Yuki didn't want to admit, but knew in his heart of hearts. Kyo wanted to be free and he would find that freedom one way or another. He knew he couldn't rely on the curse breaking and, though it pained Yuki to admit this too, Kyo knew he couldn't rely on them to save him from his imprisonment. But Tohru... Somehow Yuki always thought the fiery teen would hang on because of her; that he would continue to hope because of her. "But I guess I was wrong," Yuki thought sadly.

"But Kunimitsu!" Haru exclaimed, the burning sensation of anger beginning to surge through him. "He said he had been careless, that he wasn't paying attention... That Kyo had just appeared behind the car out of nowhere!"

"Right," Yuki replied miserably. "And where had he just come from?"

After a pregnant moment Haru darkly stated, "Akito's." Yuki took note of his cousin's tone and clenched fists. He was sure Black Haru had surfaced. "DAMN IT!!!" Yuki dodged the falling bark of the tree from where Haru had punched it. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" the black and white haired boy bellowed with each punch. "Damn it..." he cried softly, half-heartedly punching the tree one last time. Cautiously, Yuki approached him. "I hate that bastard," the younger teen croaked. Yuki nodded, but said nothing as he gently pulled Haru away from the tree to prevent further damage.

"We better get you bandaged up," he said after a moment, gesturing to Haru's bloody knuckles. The sullen boy nodded, examining his own fists and followed.

Yuki led them to the dojo, being the only place he could think of that would hold a first aid kit aside from the actual house. The doors thankfully weren't locked, but memories echoed eerily around the walls. Yuki took a deep breath and stepped inside. "You know this place better than I do," he whispered to Haru. "Do you know where the first aid kit is?" Haru nodded, his eyes lazily drifting around the room. Yuki briefly wondered what it was the younger boy was thinking, but shook the thought away and concentrated on the immediate problem. "Where is it?"

"The bathroom," Haru replied. "Want me to get it?"

"No, just stay here," Yuki instructed. While his memory was a little groggy on where everything was he knew he wouldn't get lost as easily as his cousin would.

Within minutes he had familiarized himself with the place and found the first aid. He brought the supplies needed back out and attended to Haru's wounds. Yuki found himself feeling uncomfortable and out of sorts in the dojo. Too many memories of Kyo were embedded in the walls; he could almost see their reflections in Haru's desolate eyes as they scanned the room lazily.

"Yuki, when was the last time you came to the dojo?"

"What? Oh..." Yuki paused, considerate. "I don't know, about four years. Why?"

"I dunno... It's just, Kyo and I continued to spar here... Even Kagura came now and then, so I was just wondering how come you never came back..." the younger boy trailed off a little uncertain. Yuki tightened the last of Haru's bandages before saying,

"I wasn't welcome here."

"Huh?"

"I wasn't welcome here," Yuki repeated. "This was Kyo's place... The Rat had no business being here. He told me as much," he added with a sardonic smile. "Besides, I finished what I wanted to achieve." Haru quirked an eyebrow at this. That last bit of information was news to him. Without prompting, Yuki answered Haru's unspoken question. "I proved that I could be strong; that I didn't always have to be weak. And right now I have to prove that again," Yuki said resolutely, standing.

Haru looked up at the older teen with admiration. To him Yuki was one of the strongest people he knew, yet the gray haired boy didn't seem to see that quality in himself. Haru understood in vague way why it was that Yuki saw himself as inferior. He had suffered a lot under the care of the main house--- especially under Akito's constant surveillance. But he had grown tremendously over the last few years.

"Come on," Yuki said holding his hand out to the younger boy. "Let's go." Haru nodded in sad agreement eying the ghostly images of his childhood a final time before they headed back to Kazuma's.

The two made it inside just as it started to rain again. Throngs of people clothed in black stood huddled in circles, talking quietly amongst themselves or passing around boxes of tissues. Yuki felt his energy dissipate. He shivered, suddenly feeling cold and empty. He scanned the room full of mock-mourners for the true wallowers as Haru stood listlessly by his side. In the corner of the room he saw Tohru and Kagura embracing each other in mutual sorrow. To their side Momiji sat despondently next to Kisa and Hiro, who for once, was silent. Yuki turned his gaze to the other side of the room. His brother and Shigure stood next to each other sustained by idle chit-chat. Yuki found it slightly odd how their roles seemed reverse; Ayame seemed to be the listener more than the booster.

"I'm going to look for Rin," Haru said, shocking Yuki out of his observations. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," Yuki replied. "I'll be fine." He watched the younger teen disappear into the crowd before officially entering it himself. Carefully, as not to transform, he maneuvered his way through the cluster of people to the front where he thought Kazuma should be. He was there, but he was not alone. Yuki stared in consternation. The head of the Sohma family stood before Yuki's former teacher in an almost defiant manner.

"Akito," Kazuma said with civil politeness. From his kneeled position he inclined his head slightly to him and his companion. "Kureno."

There was a tense silence that followed before Akito suddenly blurted, "It's not my fault." He clutched Kureno's sleeve, pale and shaking slightly. "It's not my fault," he repeated.

Yuki saw the corners of Kazuma's mouth twitch into a short lived smile."You sound just like Kyo did at his mother's funeral." Akito's eyes widened in apparent rage and it seemed like he struggled to say something, but his mouth merely quivered before he turned on his heel and stormed off. Kureno watched him leave hesitantly before bowing lowly to Kazuma, muttering what seemed to be a sincere apology and his condolences before rushing after the temperamental young man. Yuki watched the two rendezvous and leave in puzzled wonderment before snapping to attention at Kazuma's voice.

"Yuki, it's nice to see you."

Yuki smiled weakly in response, a little uncertain of what to say. What could he say? "I'm sorry for your loss" sounded so hollow; it couldn't even begin to make up for the loss of a son. It couldn't even begin to convey how Yuki felt losing his cousin, his rival, his friend…? Yuki couldn't put a label on his and Kyo's unique relationship. It wasn't friendship, but it had definitely transcended rivalry. It wasn't an acquaintance; it was much too intimate for that. If "I'm sorry for your loss" wasn't good enough for someone who didn't even know what his relationship with the deceased was, than what could someone possibly say to someone who knew and loved that person so deeply?

"Teacher, I…" Yuki trailed off. He what? Was sorry? Of course he was sorry, but sorry wasn't going to bring Kyo back. It wouldn't do anything to ease the man's suffering. Still, what else was there to say? How else could he express his sympathy, his vague understanding? "Teacher, I'm… I'm sorry…"

Kazuma stood serenely and put a father-like hand on Yuki's shoulder. "He would have been glad you were here," he smiled understandingly. "But I think," the older man said, lowering his voice, "he would have liked for you to watch over a certain someone for him." He gazed intently at the young man to emphasize his point. He needn't have however. Yuki understood; his eyes flickered over to Tohru's listless form across the room. He swallowed at the sight. Kazuma squeezed his shoulder lightly causing the young man to refocus on his former teacher. "You'll excuse me?"

"Sure," Yuki responded as Kazuma walked off into the crowd behind them. He watched the man wade through the sea of sorrow with a straight face before meeting up with Hatori in the far reaches of the room. Yuki quirked an eyebrow at the unlikely duo, but decided that it only made sense. Hatori was the family doctor; it would make sense for Kazuma to talk with him at a time like this. However, Hatori's frantic scan of the area with an anxious, almost scared look made Yuki wonder. The two men exchanged a few words before Kazuma shook his head and gestured to another room. After another quick look around Hatori consented and followed Kazuma. Feeling slightly puzzled Yuki scanned the area to see if anyone else found this odd. His eyes rested on Shigure. He always seemed to know what was going on under the surface, yet this time he seemed just as in the dark as Yuki was. The older man stared at the spot Kazuma and Hatori had just vacated with a furrowed brow, frowning.

"Yuki?"

Jumping slightly at the sniffled mumble behind him, Yuki turned to see Tohru's big eyes bright with the shimmer of tears. He felt his chest tense; again his heart ached and he felt guilty. He had done nothing but avoid her when she had needed him the most. He smiled sadly at her, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her ear. Her lip quivered and Yuki could see fresh tear tracks forming on her pale face.

"Oh Tohru…" he whispered, doing his best to swallow his own sorrow as he took her into a light embrace. He failed however. A single tear fell as he rested his cheek on the girl's soft hair.

Yuki woke with a start and looked around wondering why everything was so blurry. He rubbed his eyes and discovered they were wet with unshed tears. He wiped them away feeling out of sorts and slightly confused. It had been nearly two months since the wake… Why would he dream about it so vividly now?

After a few groggy moments his mind finally came to the conclusion. "Tohru…"

Yuki's stomach churned suddenly. Today was the day. Shigure had said he'd call Hatori and he had. Hatori, though hard to convince, had consented to erasing Tohru's memory. Yuki's stomach churned again. After today, Kyo would be gone from the house forever…

"I'm sorry, Kyo, I'm so sorry…" Yuki whispered despairingly, fresh tears forming in his eyes. "But this is all I can think to do for her…"

Author's Note:

Sorry for the delay in posting! I meant to actually have this out much, much sooner, but I guess it could be a lot worse. I'm usually quite the lazy author, so three months isn't so bad, is it? Ha ha. Okay, I know the answer to that…

Anyway, I can make no guarantees on when the next chapter will be out, but I'd really like to at least update once a month. Don't be afraid to e-mail me encouragements and ask about the fic's progression; comments fuel me :).

Next chapter we'll be taking a trip to Hatori's office… And perhaps a stroll down memory lane…

Look forward to next time!

Now, save an author! Review!

Eraya :)