Phwoar, thanks for the reviews guys. Gahd damn I've had the greatest holiday. I went to the Lord of the Rings exhibition in Welligton, NZ. I was 12 inches away from the costumes worn by Orlando Bloom andViggo Mortensen! Gah! They even had Minas Tirith, The One Ring and Sam's Pots and Pans! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (fangirl squeal!)

All in all, it was pretty phwoarsome.

But the bit that pissed me off...where the hell is Merry's costume? His pipe? His cute little suspenders? And while I'm on a rant, Pippin's scarf? I want some hobbit action goddammit.

Now, back to Kate's Dilemma

(Don't own Lost)

Hurley had woken up feeling the best he'd ever had for a few weeks. The sun was shining; the birds were singing; MJ wasn't crying and it was his birthday. He dressed in his most formal attire, slipped out his last Wonka bar and sang something out of 50 Cent's rap album. His party was right outside beneath the palms were people brought (surprise surprise) fruit salad, pork and fish to the picnic. People were civil, clean and happy; even the Crazy French Woman had slunk out of her hiding place to join the festivities.

Hurley sat next to Sawyer who was propping up Yoon Ji on a mat with a few toys handcrafted by Locke. Hurley watched in fascination as Sawyer proceeded to feed the baby boy.

"Dude…that's…for a lack of better word, messy." He commented as the pureed banana seemed to be, more often than not, going down Yoon Ji's chin than in his mouth.

"It's normal, for his age at least…nah-nah-nah, Ji, we don't eat the sand." Sawyer muttered, trying to pry the baby's hands open as he tried to eat the sand. For the first few moments, it seemed that Ji was winning, managing to get sand all over his face and in his food. Sawyer muttered as Ji rubbed his sandy hands in his eyes and proceeded to get sand in them, causing the baby to howl with discomfort, "See? That's what happens if you don't listen to Daddy." Sawyer moaned, cleaning Ji with a clean cloth.

"Seems like and effort, you know, being a parent and all." Hurley said, watching a heavily pregnant Kate drag Aaron along behind her.

"Yeah, kinda…well, lookie here, it seems that Hurricane Kate is on the horizon…uh-oh." He gulped as he saw the flower-wilting gaze in Kate's eye aiming directly at him.

"Sawyer." She growled, plunking Aaron in the sand and picking up Sawyer by his earlobe, totally ignoring the greeting from Hurley.

"Owowowowowowowowowow what's wrong with you woman?" He cried as he was pulled to a palm tree out of the way of the party.

"I'll tell you what's wrong, Sawyer. I just discovered that Claire's little boy knows the graphic details of sex!" She threw up her hands in the air, her huge body making her look angrier than she actually was, "What the hell did you show Turnip, anyway? From what I heard, it sounded remarkably like a porno magazine. Tell me: was it Playboy or some other special interest magazine?"

Sawyer, bewildered by Kate's display of emotion, stuttered, "The kid wanted to know where babies came from."

"Oh, so you weren't satisfied with just telling him, you just had to show him didn't you?"

"I didn't think he'd actually remember what I showed him." He shrugged.

"Oh, he did remember. In fact, he was worried about why he couldn't achieve an erection!" She screeched, loudly enough that people nearby swung their heads around so quickly, they heard their necks creaking; "you've just traumatised an impressionable young mind, Sawyer. He's going to remember this for the rest of his life." She said with a deadly low voice.

"Okay, stop with the harbinger of doom stuff," Sawyer gritted, "First of all, he didn't understand the spoken version of it very well…and secondly, I couldn't exactly tell him to go and look under his mama's skirts to show what a woman's hoo-ha looks like…so the nearest education book I could get was a ruddy porno mag!"

"That's no way to educate a boy!"

"That's how I was educated! I didn't have any of the 'Where Did I Come From' books…I asked my uncle where babies come from and he sat me down on his knee and showed me a porno mag…"

"That's probably why you're so freaking retarded!" She yelled, incensed.

"Ah, excuse me, what on earth is going on here?" Jack asked, appearing nearby with pretty much the entire party, including Claire and Charlie.

"Sawyer showed Aaron a porn magazine!" She declared in a loud voice so that everyone could hear. Sawyer held his head in one hand as people turned death glared him.

"I didn't…" Sawyer began.

"How dare you." Claire cried.

"Just go ahead and destroy a young boys innocence why don't you?" Charlie cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"You've got the wrong idea guys…"

"I think we've got the right idea about you."

"He only wanted to know where babies come from."

"He was worried why he wasn't getting an erection."

"Butt out of this, Kate."

"You perverted pervert!" Shannon cried.

"Hey, it's not like I whipped out my own penis and showed him the way things work." But instead of calming down the riot with this comment, there were more screams of outrage.

"Idiot."

"Pervert."

"Depraved Mofo'."

"You're awful."

"Fer chissakes, I was only telling the kid the truth."

"You should be ashamed, Sawyer." Sayid growled.

"Go eat pork, Mohammed." Sawyer snarled.

"Make me, Hillbilly."

"Fine," Sawyer grabbed a piece of roast pork from a spectator's hand, "I will." And he leapt upon the Iraqi. Shouts of encouragement and anger showered upon the fighters. Ali sobbed. Yoon Ji cried. MJ shrieked. Vincent howled. Hurley sat back on the sand, lighting his birthday candles on his chocolate bar, humming:

"Happy Birthday to me,

I'm a big geek,

I live in a jungle,

Surrounded by freaks."

He leant over his candles and blew them all out, not before wishing: Dude. God. Wherever you are, I wish for… a way to get off this Island…a hot blonde chick…bread, pasta, milkshakes, roast chicken, fried rice, omelette, beer…running water…actually, throw in a hot Hispanic chick with that other blonde one…a computer with email…a hot bath…oh, could you get those people to stop fighting? They're getting on my nerves…have you got that? Thank you. Amen.

"Aaron? Where are you dear?" Claire called over the noise. The blonde curly-haired tot had disappeared in the commotion, "Aaron!" She cried, "Charlie! I can't find Turnip!"

Charlie emerged from the mob, alarmed, "What?" he marched over, the fight beginning to fall out.

"I think he's gone walkabout!"

Charlie scanned around, "I don't think so; where's the French Chick?"

"Oh no! He's been abducted again!" She sobbed. By this stage, everyone was looking around for the toddler; the winner of the fight was Sayid, managing to get Sawyer to eat his own pork. Sawyer staggered to his feet, sporting a big black eye.

"You're a right royal pain-in-the-ass, Freckles, aren't cha?" He growled, picking up Yoon Ji from the mat as people searched frantically. Jack hurried over to the trio.

"Kate, Sawyer, we've got to go. Sawyer, come help us. Kate, stay here with Claire and Shannon." He demanded.

"Why can't I come?" Kate asked, putting her hands on her swollen hips.

"Doesn't that seem obvious, dear?" Jack raised his eyes at her round belly, "In any case, you're staying here."

"Here," Sawyer said, handing Kate the baby Ji, "Look after him while I'm away; remember: he hates papaya, so don't try to feed him any of that; he's due for a nap any minute, but he'll need his diaper changed; I usually keep those in the brown suitcase…"

"Sawyer, we've got to go." Jack said impatiently.

"One moment, Doc," Jack growled, "You owe me for this, so if Ji is not happy when I come back, I'll be very, very…upset with you."

"Ooo, I'm so scared." Kate said mockingly. She was still rather upset with him.

"Jeez, I hope that your hormones have returned to normal when I come back." And with that, he kissed Ji and ran off into the woods with Jack, leaving Kate feeling a little bit more than hormonal.

Ta-Daa! I must admit, I cracked myself up writing a few of these sentences.