Chapter 9: Tommy

"Taking chances seems to be all the rage these days," I'd said to Tommy a week before he left. Well Tommy, I'm going to take another one.

I gulped as I pulled up in front of 'Home Away Inn', noting the cracked paint and faded sign as I locked my car and walked up the front step. I had no idea what I was going to say or do; all I knew was that I needed to talk to Tommy... to find out what was going on. Sadie was right, I'd become a really pathetic person recently. It wasn't fair to blame all my problems on Tommy as he wasn't the root of everything. I knew I couldn't heap all my happiness on one person.

Maybe the conversation wouldn't go the way I wanted (I wasn't even sure what I wanted) but at least there would be some form of closure; something that would allow me to move on with my life without constantly watching the door at G-Major and waiting for Tommy to return.

I took the elevator to the 10th floor where room 101 was located. In the elevator I found myself nervously biting my nails, a habit I'd left behind 10 years ago. I walked down the hallway till I found his room but didn't knock straight away. I paused with my fist a few inches from the door then stopped and put the palm of my hand to my forehead as I sighed. A moment later, having noticed the window at the end of the hallway, I decided to go examine the view.

The window looked down onto the street where we'd filmed the 'Good-bye to You' video the previous day. A little mathematical deducting and I realized it was the same video I'd seen the little girl at.

I turned and walked back to room 101 but didn't raise my hand to knock.

I suddenly felt like a 5-year-old child on her first day of school; scared, alone and confused. The world suddenly seemed so big and insurmountable.

Biting my lip I brushed away a stray tear that had escaped from my eye then under my breath I admonished myself "Just do it Jude!"

Just as I raised my hand to knock, the door swung open and I was standing face to face with Tommy.

He raised an eyebrow with a mocking look I'd seen so many times from him in the past, only this time there was a little less playful teasing behind it and more condemnation, "Seriously Jude. How long does it take to simply knock on a door?"

I blushed and found myself speechless. He'd been watching through the peephole and seen every bit of my stalling. Great…

Stepping back, he waved his arm, motioning for me to enter the room, all the time wearing the same mocking expression, "Come in if you must."

I stepped inside and turned to face him "...Are you mad at me, or something?" I finally asked as he closed the door.

"Now why would I be mad at you, Jude?"

I shrugged "Beats me" I mumbled.

I turned away from the expression in his eyes that scared me with it's coldness. I turned in a circle looking at the room around me. It reminded me of Tommy somehow; in the short time he'd been there he'd made it his home. There was a leather jacket draped over the sofa and a copy of Rolling Stone on the coffee table, the room smelt like his cologne and the atmosphere fit him too. There were some oddities I didn't pay much attention too, like a stuffed toy under the table and a small pink blanket on one of the chairs. Perhaps if I hadn't been so distracted and nervous I would have wondered more about the existence of those items.

I walked over to the table that was strewed with various paperwork. As I got closer, I frowned. Spread out on the table was a series of pictures... of me. I picked one up; it was of me the night Tommy left, drunk and sprawled out on the bed in Mason's motel room. I frowned as I faintly remembered 'Anonymous last night boy' taking pictures of me. But how?

I moved aside the pictures to find an envelope underneath, addressed to me.

I turned to Tommy, "You're intercepting my mail now?" I asked, holding up the envelope and tipping my head to the side questioningly.

He walked over to me and snatched the envelope and pictures from my hand, "And you're drinking under age with who knows what type of shady characters and doing potential irreparable damage to your career."

"That wasn't the point," I said, glaring at him "How dare you take my mail? How did you even?"

"Oh, come on Jude! I did it to help you" He rifled through the paperwork on the table then finally handed me a note that read '$50,000 or these go to the press' I looked up at him "I don't understand!"

"You were being blackmailed Jude" He said softly, "I... I tried to deal with it so you wouldn't have to."

I glanced at the pictures again, "You paid the $50,000?"

He nodded.

I didn't know what to say.

There was silence for a few moments then Tommy asked his voice once again stern, "What are you doing here Jude?"

"I... I wanted to find you. I wanted to know why you left and if you were ever coming back." I glanced down at my feet "You know, to G-Major, to me..."

He sighed, "You shouldn't have come after me."

I glanced up at him again, surprised "So I did what I could to find you Tommy? To find out if you were ok, if you needed help and why you left!" I wasn't yelling but my voice was angry, "Really, what's wrong with that?"

He threw his hands in the air and turned to face me, "Everything! Everything Jude!"

"Why are you like this? Even when you were here you weren't honest with me!"

He looked astonished then smiled sardonically "I wasn't honest. How wasn't I honest?"

"You wouldn't even tell me your real last name! You never let me know anything about your past. You told me you left school after Jr. High because of Boyz Attack right? Nothing to do with being expelled and not bothering to go back?"

"Wow Jude! Huge secrets!" He laughed, "This is just so great coming from you!"

I was taken aback by that "What's that supposed to mean? I was always honest with you! With my music, with how I felt about you..."

"And your past Jude?" He was starting to make me nervous, "You're mad that I didn't tell you I was expelled from school, Jude?"

"Stop saying my name like that" I said quietly "...what are you implying?" I asked.

He took a few steps closer to me and I backed away until I was standing with my back to the sofa. "You have secrets too, Jude" His face was close to mine and I could see anger and hurt in his eyes, "So don't get all high and mighty about the things I didn't tell you, you kept bigger secrets from me!"

"Like what?" I'd meant to ask it with an offhanded uncaring attitude but it came out small and shaky.

"Like Cassie" He said quietly.

I felt like the air had been knocked out of me and I swear I couldn't breath. Someone must have pulled the rug out from under me cause I felt my legs buckling beneath me and I fell backward onto the sofa, clutching my hands to my face and willing myself to just breath. When I finally regained my composure and glanced up he was still standing there looking down at me. I willed myself to believe a little bit of the anger had gone but I still couldn't see that Tommy I felt safe around in his eyes.

"H-How... Did Sadie tell you?" I finally asked, my voice was shaky and close to breaking.

"No." He didn't offer anything else.

"Then tell me how and what you know!"

"I know a three-year-old girl who loves ponies, speaks with an American accent and has your eyes" He said quietly, "Now why don't you tell me your story like you should have done when we met two and a half years ago."

---

Sadie was curled up on the sofa reading a novel when Kwest arrived, "I've come to check on Jude" He explained after hugging Sadie in greeting, "Is she here?"

Sadie felt the blood draining from her face "Um, no... she's not"

"Oh. She left for G-Major early?" He asked "I'll just pop round there and talk to here there" He started walking toward the door.

"No, she's not at G-Major" Sadie said, biting her lip.

Kwest turned back to her taking in her nervous expression "She went to see Tommy didn't she?"

Sadie nodded.

---

I told Tommy everything. All the things I hoped I would never have to reveal to anyone. How when I was fourteen I dated this older guy, I kept it from my parents because I knew they wouldn't approve, even Jamie and Kat barely knew about him. I told him (with as little detail as possible) about this party we went to, how he had too much beer and wouldn't take no for an answer, how I finally just decided it would be easier not to fight it, easier to deal with what was probably going to happen anyway if I let myself believe I wasn't forced.

Tommy had moved to sit next to me on the sofa when I began speaking and though I didn't dare look at him I noticed from the corner of my eye that his fists were clenched.

I told him how one nightmare grew into another. My family and I decided to give the baby up for adoption and keep the pregnancy a secret. I wore baggy clothes and covered up for as long as possible then our family simply went on an extended 'summer vacation' until I had the baby and adopted him out. No one save Mum, Dad and Sadie knew. Even Jamie had been oblivious all these years. I'd named my daughter Cassie and I'd chosen out the adoptive family myself. I could tell they would love her and raise her the way I couldn't do at barely fifteen.

About six months after that I entered and won the Instant Star Competition, convincing myself and everyone around me that I was a normal girl who's life became extraordinary. The truth was a scared girl with a huge secret. A girl who couldn't sleep at night for the image of a baby's face that haunted her dreams.

"Don't you see why I didn't want to tell you?" I asked, finally finding the nerve to turn to face him. He didn't make eye contact with me, instead his focus was on a random spot on the wall behind me. His face was pale and strained "I've felt ashamed of everything that happened since the day I went to that party, since the day I found out I was pregnant, since the day I signed her away to virtual strangers" My voice broke and I turned away.

He tentatively put a hand on my shoulder, "Jude, I'm sorry. I... I guess I didn't wan to think about what happened... I just... I was thinking about your career and how damaging this could be..."

I tried to laugh but it came out strangled by tears, "I don't really care about my career right now Tommy. Is this... is this why you left?" I turned to face him again.

He glanced down at his hands, at the table behind him then back to me, "Jude... there's a lot I need to tell you"