Chapter 13:

After Tommy left and after I exhausted my last supply of Ice Cream and chocolate I went back up to my room but fought the urge to climb back into bed. Instead I walked over to my windowseat and sat down. Resting my chin on my hands I gazed out the window which looked out onto our back yard and beyond that the back of a park. I could see a little of the lake and a lot of trees.

It was a grey day with the occasional drizzle and the leaves in the trees seemed to droop with some invisible weight, it almost seemed as if the tree no longer had the energy or desire to hold itself up in anymore.

Standing up I reached under the cushion I'd been sitting on and retrieved my journal. I kept a number of different journals. I never wrote day to day narrative accounts of my life; only ever songs or poems. There was the journal I took with me everywhere (the journal Tommy 'borrowed' that one time), there was the journal I kept at home and wrote in when I was in a wacky mood and wanted to write something silly and fun, then there was the journal I hid from private eyes - the journal in which I shared my deepest emotion and the secrets I would share with no one.

If Tommy had taken this journal that day; I wouldn't have forgiven him. If he'd taken this journal I wouldn't have been able to look him in the eye ever again. If someone were to read the many poems I'd written in these pages it would be like revealing my soul, it's every hue and every shape.

In a way this journal was the story of Tommy and my relationship but more so it was the story of my daughter - the story I'd hidden from the world.

I grabbed a pen from my desk and sat down at the window once again. Ignoring the rain that had picked up and was pelting the glass angrily, I began to write.

Intelligent child with tears in your eyes
Intelligent child always asking questions: 'Why?'

Lovely child the day is through
Lovely child rest your head to start anew

Sweet child I've always missed you
Sweet child, why do I do what I do?

Beautiful child you were just a baby
Beautiful child I can see you'll be a lovely lady

Wondrous child I have a second chance
Wondrous child give me more then a passing glance

My child, I love you, I swear that I do
My child forgive me for hurting you

---

Guy was just about to walk out the door of G-Major after a long day of writing and recording when Sadie called after him.

"I was wondering if you had plans for tonight?" She asked.

He shrugged, "No, why?"

"Well, Jude's been a little down lately and I was thinking it might be good for her to get out of the house for awhile. Maybe you could take her out to dinner or something?"

"Sure, that's a great idea" He frowned, "Is she upset because of this Tommy guy coming back?"

Sadie tried to come up with the correct wording. Technically she'd already overstepped her bounds and Jude would be annoyed either way; revealing anything else at this point couldn't jeapordize her health much more then it already had been. "It's part of it" She eventually conceded.

Through the glass window of Studio 2 Kwest watched the two talking and frowned. He knew from past experience that when Sadie got to scheming little good could come of it.

---

I'd completed my poem and was sitting on the windowsill crying when Sadie arrived home. I think at that moment I'd made my decision but wasn't yet ready to acknowledge it. It was merely a feeling of nausea and excitement sitting in the pit of my stomach and hidden beneath a haze of uncertainties.

"Jude!" Sadie called cheerfully, "Look who I brought home!"

I heard her footsteps on the stairs and resisted the urge to dive under my bed. The door swung open and Sadie appeared with a large grin on her face, "Guy's downstairs" She said in a Sadie stage whisper, "He wants to take you out to dinner at Lyrical. Wait, have you been crying?"

I lept to my feet, "I can't go out tonight! Not with everything that's happened, not looking like this. Sadie! I haven't had a shower in two days! You'll have to tell him to leave" I began hurrying around the room picking up clothes and rubbish that had been tossed on the floor during my time of hiding.

Sadie shook her head, "No way Jude. You can't stay holed up like this. You've got to get out. I'll keep Guy busy and you can have a shower and get dressed. Put on that blue dress, you look stunning in that"

I dropped the pile of laundry I was holding and glared at her.

Still smiling, she stepped out of my room. As her footsteps descended the stairs I heard her say to Guy, "She's just getting ready. Hey, while you're here I wanted to show you my portfolio. I did some modeling awhile ago. Maybe you could pass my info on to one of the agents you're bound to encounter in the near future"

I rolled my eyes. Typical Sadie.

Grabbing my bathrobe I tiptoed across the hallway and into the shower. My bedroom door was right at the top of the stairs and if Guy had been standing in the middle of our foyer he would have seen me.

After showering I quickly blowdryed my hair and styled it into loose curls. I applied some light make-up, nothing to intense then once again tiptoed back to my room.

I searched through my wardrobe before finally taking Sadie's advice and slipping on the blue dress she recommended. The dress in question was a sky blue spaghetti strap summer dress with a flowing skirt and fitted bodice. The dresses only floor was that it required high heels, no other shoe would like right. I grimaced as I slipped into my silver heels and prayed I wouldn't brake a bone while wearing them.

Down stairs Sadie must have been getting desperate as I could hear home videos playing of her performances in various High School Productions. Poor, poor Guy. What did he ever do to deserve this?

---

Across town Tommy was pacing around his Motel room. He hadn't been able to get Jude off his mind since she'd left the previous day. Granted it was a state of existance he'd grown used to in the last two years but today it had been worse. He felt so responsible for her current dilemna though he knew it wasn't his fault.

Maybe he should step back and let her make her own decision about Cassie. He gotten to know the little girl over the last month and had come to love her dearly. He had so much to tell Jude about her daughter, he wanted to encourage her to make what he believed to be the right decision. But how could he do that when she wasn't answering her phone.

With a growl of frustration he grabbed his jacket from where he'd slung it over a chair a mere ten minutes ago and headed for the door. He'd eat out and try to clear his head a little. He hadn't been to his favorite restaurant, lyrical since that day he'd left Jude there. Pushing that guilt from his mind he began to anticipate his favorite Pasta dish.

Maybe on the way back he could try Jude's again...