Chapter 15: Eyes on the road, Tommy

"So, how long did you two date?" Tommy asked.

After Guy's angry departure Tommy had offered to drive Jude home. They were trapped in an uncomfortable silence in his beat up old car as it labored its way through the suburban streets.

Jude glanced at him before returning her gaze to the scenery slowly drifting past the window, "Um, like a week or something..."

Tommy snickered under his breath and she turned to glare at him, "And what do you mean 'were'?"

"It kinda looked over to me"

"Well... don't assume!" Jude responded lamely.

Tommy glanced over at her then returned his gaze to the road, "You could have gone after him you know" He pointed out softly.

Jude bit her bottom lip but didn't respond.

---

I hate this. I hate that my life always seems to be hanging from a thread that's tied to Tommy's finger. I'm not saying he's some creepy puppet master that laughs an evil laugh as he controls my life and plots to keep me all to himself (if he even wants me. If only I knew the answer to that...). It's like he doesn't even realize that every single one of his actions causes a giant reaction in my life. It's like ripples that drift from him to me but only by the time they reach me they're Tsunami size and they wash over me and drag me to the bottom of the ocean where I can't breath and don't know which way is up.

This isn't right. I shouldn't let some guy have such control over my life and happiness. Not even Tommy.

I just...

I love the way he's looking at me tonight. Every now and then he sneaks a glance at me out of the corner of his eye. His expression is one of concern and caring with maybe even the slightest touch of posession. I'm not your posession Tommy but though it's wrong I sometimes wish I were...

"What would you do if I adopted Cassie?" I asked.

The question was completely out of the blue and hadn't even registered in my mind before I'd spoken the words and they were filling the silence in the car.

"What do you mean?"

"How would you react?"

"I'd... I'd be happy, I guess?" He looked at me and shrugged.

"Eyes on the road, Tommy" I didn't want him looking at me like that, with his eyes searching into my soul and mind.

"Would you treat me differently?"

"Jude, I don't underst-"

"-Because I'd be different Tommy. I wouldn't be some lighthearted teenager who spends every spare moment she has at the studio with you. I'd be bandaging grazed knees and helping with homework. I'd be fighting imaginary monsters and reading bedtime stories. I'd be so busy I'd probably even stop brushing my hair."

There were the words I was speaking and the words I wasn't saying, Would you still love me Tommy? Would my being a mother change the way you look at me? Would you still be attracted to me? Would you pull away?

He glanced over at me again, his expression intense and his gaze holding mine, "You'd be beautiful Jude, whether you brushed your hair or shaved it all off. If you're worried about your music... maybe it'd suffer a little at first but your life would be enriched by Cassie, Jude, and your music could only profit from that. And if you need help fighting off those imaginary monsters; I'll only be a phonecall away."

I smiled, "Eyes on the road Tommy"

We sat in silence for the next few minutes. It was less an uncomfortable silence and more of a companionable silence. We were only a few blocks from my apartment when Tommy pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned to face me, "Come back to the Motel with me" He said.

"Um... what?"

"Come and see Cassie, spend some time with her..." He said earnestly.

"I don't know..." Suddenly I had butterflies in my stomach.

"Sarah would be fine with us taking Cassie back to my rooms so it could just be the two of you. I'd hang out in my room and give you privacy"

"Oh, that wouldn't be necessary" I said quickly, "I mean I wouldn't kick you out of your own place it's just... what if she doesn't like me, Tommy? What if..."

"She'll love you, how could she not?"

I sighed then gulped before blurting out, "Ok, I'll do it"

---

I picked at my nails and tapped my foot nervously as I sat on the Sofa in Tommy's Motel room waiting for him to return with Cassie. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so nervous. It was more then any pre concert jitters and something akin to my nervousness about giving birth in the days leading up to my due date with Cassie.

I glanced up at the sound of footsteps in the hallway but they passed the door then faded away down the hallway. I began to bite my finger nails and hum the tune to '24 hours' in my head. Oh God, I hate this feeling...

Footsteps approached the door again and I got up and walked over to it. "Here we are Cassie" It was Tommys voice but nothing like I'd ever heard it sound before, he was talking in a sing song childs voice and I could hear Cassie giggling, "Do you want to knock on the door?"

There was a soft tapping sound and nervously I turned the door handle and slowly pulled the door open.

Tommy was standing there with Cassie sitting on his hip. When she saw me she shyly ducked her head into Tommy's neck. I was stuck with how unusual the whole situation was. Here was the guy I adore holding my daughter... the daughter who right now was scared of me and regarded me a total stranger but yet she loved Tommy...

"Hi Cassie" I said softly. I crouched down a little so that I was looking up at her, "How are you?"

She wriggled her nose at me then turned and smiled at Tommy, "Down!" She cried happily, though it came out sounding more like "Don"

Tommy obediantly lowered Cassie down to the floor where she hopped around the room then lent down to examine the pattern of the carpet.

"You're going to have to teach me that sometime kid," I said more for Tommy's ears then Cassie's, "I've never managed to get him to obey me that quickly" I smirked at Tommy who made a face at me.

"I've got a couple of toys in the other room" Tommy said, "I'll get them" He motioned at me to go over to Cassie then left the room.

"So, do you like flowers?" I asked Cassie as she traced the Rose pattern in the carpet.

"Flowa!" She cried happily then nodded at me.

"Right" I said under my breath, "Still grasping the English language. I get it."

I traced a Rose next to me and Cassie watched seriously and started humming the theme song from Sesame Street. I perked up at that. Music, maybe there was something we could communicate with.

"Can you meet me at Sesame street?" I sang softly.

Cassie giggled.

I sung the rest of the Sesame Street song, or at least all that I could remember, then began singing the ABC's.

Cassie rested her chin on her hand and watched me intently, a smile playing on her lips.

As I sung I studied her. She had my eyes and my nose. Obviously our skin tone was different and our hair but I still had the eerie feeling of looking into a mirror, a mirror that showed my reflection as 15-years younger.

She's a part of me. She's just like me. She's my daughter. How could I let her go? P