Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

In which Darcy complains to Mr. Bingley, and Miss Bingley investigates

Netherfield

Darcy

By the next morning, Darcy had decided that he must tell Mr. Bingley of his sister's actions. Missing his dawn meeting with Elizabeth, he took Ajax out for a gallop around Netherfield, returning to find his host yawning over his coffee.

"Morning, Darce!"

"Bingley." Helping himself to breakfast from the sideboard, he continued, "I must talk with you this morning."

"Of course, but I must have more coffee first. Caroline woke me in the middle of the night and, just as I got back to sleep, she starting screaming and throwing things about in her room." He motioned to the footman to refill his cup. "Shall we repair to the study when you have finished eating?"

Soon they had settled behind the closed door of the study, and Darcy spoke. "Bingley, I regret to tell you that your sister entered my chambers last night."

"Ah, yes; she woke me claiming that she had seen Miss Elizabeth entering. I tried to tell her that it was none of her business, but she demanded that I accompany her to confront you both. If she arrived on her own, then you know that I declined."

"Her behaviour's becoming unacceptable; this is not the first time that she has entered my chambers. I agreed to come to Netherfield to help you, Bingley, not to be stalked by your sister." Darcy looked at his friend, and added, "It is with great regret that I shall have to leave if her behaviour does not improve." Greater than you can possibly imagine.

"I am sorry, Darcy. I shall talk to her today."

"You might make it clear that I shall not wed her, even if she is seen unclothed in my chambers by all of Meryton."

"That is extreme!"

" —but the truth. I am sorry, Bingley, but she will not be Mrs. Darcy under any circumstance." I already have my Mrs. Darcy.

"Though I should wish for us to be brothers, I understand." Mr. Bingley leaned forward and asked, "Tell me — was Miss Elizabeth in your chambers last night?"

"No, she was not," replied Darcy, stretching the truth. Mrs. Darcy was, though.

Elizabeth

Waking late following her night-time flit through the twisting and turning servants' corridors, Elizabeth woke to find Mrs. Stevens quietly pottering around.

"Good morning, Mrs. Stevens."

"Good morning, Miss Elizabeth."

"When I have dressed and taken breakfast, I shall tend to Jane while you have a rest," Elizabeth said. "If I chance upon my husband, I might suggest that he permits your husband to take a similar break from his duties."

"Miss!" replied Sarah with a small grin.

"After all," continued Elizabeth, "Jane will soon recover and we must away to Longbourn."

"Yes, miss."

Elizabeth sighed. "You join me, I believe, in wishing that this 'great secret' was no more."

"I do, miss," agreed Sarah. "Oh, there is a letter for you; would you like it straightaway?"

Elizabeth took the letter and opened it to read:

'My only,

'Oh, how I miss you!

'W'

She laughed.

Miss Bingley

After a very unsatisfactory conversation with her brother — what can he mean by telling me that Darcy will not wed me? — finding that Elizabeth was sitting with her sister, Miss Bingley took the opportunity to search the former's rooms. She found the bracelet with ugly lumps, and examined it carefully, reluctantly marvelling over the shapes. Then, she found the letter and read it with satisfaction. Finally, the proof she needed that Miss — huh, 'Miss' — Eliza was, indeed, a strumpet. She pocketed it.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth spent the day caring for Jane, leaving her in the evening to dine with their hosts. When the meal was announced, without thinking, she took Darcy's arm to walk through to the dining room. Miss Bingley was not pleased, especially as she had to accompany Mr. Hurst. But, as on the previous evening, Miss Bingley had placed Elizabeth between her brothers, keeping Darcy next to herself.

Throughout the meal, Miss Bingley kept asking questions about Elizabeth's family. Elizabeth gladly told her hostess of her aunt and uncle Phillips in Meryton and her aunt and uncle Gardiner in London.

"An attorney, you say? Mr. Darcy, do make Eliza's uncle known to your great-uncle, the judge. They are in the same profession, you know, only in different lines," Miss Bingley tittered.

"My uncle would be most honoured, sir. He has heard of Judge Darcy and much admires him." Elizabeth looked keenly at Darcy.

He replied, "Should I have the opportunity, I shall do so. My own uncle holds an admiration for country lawyers. He claims that, while they are not as celebrated as those in town, they often perform excellent service for the people in their small towns."

Miss Bingley was not going to be deflected by pleasantness. "Whereabouts in London, does your other uncle live, Miss Eliza?"

"Gracechurch Street in Cheapside. My uncle owns an import and export business. Amongst other things, he imports fine fabrics."

"Ah," said Mr. Bingley, "Did you not mention the other day, Darcy, that you do business with Mr. Gardiner?"

"Indeed."

"Good man, is he?" asked Mr. Hurst.

"Indeed; my business with him has been very profitable," Darcy said.

Elizabeth covered her smile with her napkin. For me too.

"Surely, you jest, Darcy," twittered Miss Bingley. "What can you have to do with a tradesman in Cheapside?"

"I do not jest, Miss Bingley," replied Darcy. "That tradesman in Cheapside has delivered to me my greatest treasure."

Elizabeth hid another smile.

"Surely not, dear Dar— Mr. Darcy. I am sure that nothing of value can be found in his warehouses in Cheapside." Miss Bingley leaned towards Darcy as if speaking in confidence. "Perhaps this Mr. Grainger stole it!"

Mr. Hurst seemed to find it necessary to bait his sister by saying, "Dear Caro— Caroline, did you not hear Miss Elizabeth say that one of things that Mr. Gardiner is best known for importing is fabric? Like the fabric for your dresses?" He turned to ask Elizabeth, "Is that not so, Miss Bennet?"

"Indeed," replied Elizabeth, catching Darcy's eye. "The silk in your gown is from a shipment two or three years ago."

Miss Bingley glared at Elizabeth. "You are mistaken, Miss —sniff— Eliza." She sniffed with derision after she said 'miss'. "The dressmaker, a very exclusive dressmaker, patronised only by the most discerning and select clientele— "

"How did you gain admittance then, Caroline?"

"Hurst, do stop interrupting me!"

" —as you attempt to beat Miss Elizabeth in a battle of wits," murmured Mr. Hurst to Elizabeth.

"So exclusive is this dressmaker that her waiting list is very long. New customers have to be recommended by existing ones." Miss Bingley raised her nose.

"You have not told us how you gained admittance if it is so very exclusive," pressed Mr. Hurst.

"Really, Hurst. When they discovered that I am an long-standing intimate of dear Mr. Darcy, I was admitted straightaway." Miss Bingley directed a self-satisfied look at Elizabeth, while attempting to pat Darcy's arm in a familiar manner.

'Long-standing intimate?'

"You mean that you used Darcy's name," said Mr. Bingley with a laugh.

"Certainly not, Charles! Madame Jardinière admitted me immediately."

"'Madame Jardinière'?" asked Darcy, moving his arm further away from Miss Bingley. "Is that not the French for 'Mrs. Gardener'?"

"Indeed," said Elizabeth, struggling not to laugh.

Ignoring her, Miss Bingley returned to slighting Elizabeth's relatives and addressed Darcy. "But you have not met this tradesman himself? Surely, you deal with him through an intermediary!"

"Indeed, I have. I have been invited to his office and to dine with his family, and have returned the courtesy."

"You had a tradesman to dine with you? No!"

"Why should he not, Caroline?" asked Mr. Bingley.

"Really, Charles. It can hardly be fitting for a man of such superior society to dine with a tradesman."

"Is it not up to Darcy with whom he dines? After all, my fortune and yours were acquired by trade and he is dining with us." Mr. Bingley pointed out.

"Hmph, we do not speak of such things, Charles." Miss Bingley returned her attention to Elizabeth. "Do you have more relatives, Miss —sniff— Eliza?"

"Mmm," said Elizabeth. "Distant aunt in Shropshire."

"Are not your wards related to her?" asked Mr. Bingley. "Miss Bennet said that your aunt was unable to care for them."

"Indeed; Mr. Bennet told me that that was the case, so he and his family have taken them in," said Darcy in a disinterested tone.

Miss Bingley sniffed and frowned.

Elizabeth saw that her hostess was suspicious so cast around for a change of subject.

"Have you been to Shropshire, Mr. Bingley?"

"No, I have not. We are from further north — Yorkshire."

She and Bingley chattered on, talking about counties and their landscapes, until Miss Bingley, seemingly desiring attention started to complain.

"Where is my wine? Where has my wine gone?"

Mr. Hurst leaned towards Elizabeth and said, under his breath, "I can hear it."

Again, Elizabeth had to hide behind her napkin.

Please don't copy 😏

In which the author realised that she'd missed a trick:

• I've made slight additions to chapters 31 and 34 to have Caroline meet 'Miss Gina Prout'

and there're answers to some of the comments:

• Jane slipped and fell as she arrived at Netherfield in the rain

• 'Madam'? See chapter 15

• Jane is older than Lizzy and Mary were at the time of their betrothals, so Bingley is suggested ... but wait ...

(For my sanity, I have spreadsheet of their ages and, at the time of this chapter (Michaelmas), Jane is 22, Lizzy 20, Mary 19, Kitty 16 (going on 17), Lydia 15. Jane is 'of age' so might choose her own husband ... perhaps ... )

• Mr Hurst is voicing some of the things that I'd like to say to Caroline

• I don't think that Caroline is stupid, just wilfully self-centred and blind to her own failings

• Darcy can't —yet— stay at Longbourn as the marriage isn't wildly known, but wait ...

• Lydia can't reveal all of her conclusions as I haven't reached them yet; thus my cri de coeur at the end of chapter 36

• SPOILER — I particularly like P&P variations where Caroline makes a fool of herself before she finds out about ODC, so don't hold your breath waiting as I'm going to prolong her agony!

• nothing happens in chapters 36-40? Heavens, there's a recap disguised as the FFF; the militia arrive; Caroline thinks that she has proof of Lizzy's, er, shame; poor Jane — yawn, but we have to have ODC together at Netherfield; accomplishments are introduced so that they can be mentioned again (so just wait); Caroline makes a fool of herself; an attempted compromise (which I had fun writing from two different POV)

Oh, and thanks to Lady Flower: "As a humorous, fun, playful tale - not to be accurate or creditable, but pure enjoyment" — that's what I was aiming for! 💗